Ahh, yes… my blog… I am writing this as I drive back from the aforementioned Oregon trip to pick up my oldest daughter, Jane. These past two days have been a milkshake of emotion. Seeing my kids, dealing with my ex-wife, learning to communicate with my wife, and then the exhaustion of travel all have their effects on me. Doug is with me, we left Salt Lake yesterday morning at 3:30 a.m. and traveled the 750+miles to Ashland, OR arriving to check into our hotel at 2:00 p.m. PST. The trip is geographically divided in half, one half all interstate and the other windy, two-lane roads through the back desert and mountains of Nevada and southern Oregon. The half that is two-lane road is very taxing; you must stay alert and can’t really speed, so it seems to take forever. Rural driving STINKS.
I have thought a lot about this blog. I started it with the intention to use it as a way to put to "paper" the harsh realities and feelings I have. I have found that as I introduce it to others that may be familiar with those for whom I write about I must be very careful what I say, for some things have no need to be recorded. I must practice discretion without compromising my own desire to share what I really feel. It forces me to be a better writer and place hints that trigger my own memory but not reveal more than is necessary. Having said that, when I arrived in Ashland yesterday it was great to immediately see my children; their mother brought them right to me. Of course, conflict ensued and I was again accused of things that are neither true nor warranted. I have gotten past the point where I even feel the need to justify myself or my life to anyone, especially her. Regardless, my kids see the goodness in me so it is always a wonderful thing to see them. I must admit, it was refreshing to have my friend witness first hand the craziness to which really must be seen to be believed.
After the transfer we took the kids to the store, got some necessities, went to the park, then the mall, then swimming back at the hotel. One of the traits that I love in my children is their blatant lack of fear for new experiences. They seem so comfortable in their own skin. Neither Jane nor Catherine can really swim, but they both are crazy for the water. Catherine would just walk to the edge of the pool, and jump right into the abyss. As I raised her from being totally submerged she would laugh at herself. Mind you, she is barely a year old, it was adorable. Jane has been taking swimming lessons, so she has learned some of the poolside etiquette but is still excited as can be to get wet. I love spending time with the girls…
As I have been away, my wife has also been traveling. Her ex-husband called earlier this week and offered to use buddy passes from a relative to get his son to Arizona for the weekend, and since he is only four my wife had to travel with him (her son, not the ex-husband). She has been staying with my parents while she has been there. Last night we were talking about how opposite our situations are with our kids. Her ex-husband moved away after their divorce saying that he had nothing in Utah to keep him there (I guess a son doesn’t count). He hasn’t paid any child support, rarely calls and when he wants to see his son his mind thinks that he must come to him. I, on the other hand have an ex-wife that moved away, mostly to get away from me, travel at great expense to see my kids, pay a TON of child support and go to my children. Irony is a befitting word for this situation. Throughout these past days, I have really missed my wife. Last night we had a roller coaster of a talk, laughed together, cried together and learned more about how to communicate with each other. I am reminded of what a great blessing she is to me with how patient she is in my shortcomings. I think that I am a good husband to her, and I know that I demand a lot, but she is such a wonderful woman and wife. I truly love and cherish her. My relationship with her is the one thing in my life where I will not allow myself to fail. I know that she is crucial to my spiritual happiness and well-being and I to hers. I read somewhere that a great reward takes an equal about of hard work. I have seen the truth of that.
Along those same lines, as I have had time to think these past few days I have wanted to be better in general. I was listening to a song on the other day that spoke of a man who was close to dying early in his life and that the perspective that experience gave him changed his actions. He lived life more fully, was quicker to forgive and was a better man. I feel the desire to do the same. I have made my mistakes, but as I am rounding the half way point of my thirtieth year I see it is up me to make my life what I want. I want to leave a legacy to my children and loved ones of a father/parent/husband whose actions proved his love of the Savior.
I have never really talked about this with anyone but my dad has had complications with his diabetes for a number of years. My parents visited my wife and I on the 4th of July weekend this past summer and that weekend the effect of those complications manifested themselves. Very early Sunday morning my dad woke to a horrible shortness of breath. He literally could not breathe. It was quite alarming, so I immediately took him to the local hospital. After about 12 hours of testing the doctors concluded that he had suffered a mild heart attack and diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. It was quite a stunning diagnosis, considering that since he acquired diabetes he has had issues with his feet (major discomfort, swelling etc.), significant weight gain, retinopathy (loss of eye sight) and now congestive heart failure. My family has always joked that it would be my mother that would pass on first considering her acute attention to any small discomfort she may have in her body, but for now it looks like it will be my dad that passes first (looks like God really does have a sense of humor...wink). I really love my dad, and top of that I really like my dad. He is a funny guy and shows a sharp wit. Not to mention he has a very kind heart… How I had not seen this coming is beyond me, and I guess that in my life I am still in the stage where I feel like a really old teenager; I haven’t accepted that death can play a factor in my life experiences, since I have never lost anybody close to me. I don’t know what will happen to my dad, but it likely that he will not live a full life. It has been estimated anywhere from five to twenty years, but regardless it is an inevitability that his heart condition will change his life, be it the quality of, or the duration.
This experience is a catalyst for my recent epiphanies. I have thought that I want to cherish more the time that I am able to spend with him. I have also looked at the situation differently in that I want to cherish all my life experiences with an increased appreciation. It is unfortunate that loss seems to always trigger a new perspective, but that’s life. I feel the timing of the coming holiday is appropriate for my thoughts. It will so wonderful to be surrounded by the people I love.
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