My Own Polar Express...

It has been such a long time since I have written anything that I would deem worthy or thoughtful here in the blog. In looking back over the events of my life this last few months I feel that I haven’t felt inspirited and that nothing was happening in my life to record. I do have a lot of things to write down; wonderful things that have happened with my family over the past few weeks but I couldn’t get to the point where I felt like I absolutely had to write. It wasn’t until this past Christmas day that I found something that caused me to feel emotions that were milestones and noteworthy. I have referenced music many times in my writings and described the epiphanies that accompanied as a song awoke in me a sense of something that wasn’t there OR gave written description to something I had been feeling. This past Monday in the calm of a peaceful drive I found myself listening to a song that had been there many times before but one to which I never paid attention to the lyrics. That day was a peaceful one; Amie and I were alone and chose to travel to the hills and enjoy a day of skiing together. There have been many battles waging inside of me and the underlying theme in all of them is that I am not prepared for what growing old entails and how to come to terms with the hard decisions that must be made. On our drive I had one of my battles take lyrical form. Here it is:

“Stop This Train”
Written by John Mayer:

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
try to keep an opened mind I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
but honestly will someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
one generation's length away from fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
so I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
had a talk with my old man
said “help me understand”
he said “turn 68 you'll renegotiate
don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in
I don't think I couldn’t ever understand, I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train.”

Once in a while when it's good
it'll feel like it should
when we're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
and you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're driving away in the dark
singing

“Stop this train
I want to get out and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can
cause I now I see I'll never stop this train.”


To tie into the words of the song my life at its core has been very unpredictable lately. The past month was wonderful and terribly upsetting all at the same time. I was able to have my children here with me for a full two weeks (AWESOME) and then send them back to their mother two days before Christmas (LAME). One of those weeks we took Jane and Dorian to Disneyland and had a great time in southern California (AWESOME). I have been working with my bishop toward rebaptism and have been faced with yet another delay that has nothing to do with the day to day decisions that I make to life the gospel (SUPER LAME). Because of the details of what is happening I honestly do not have any clue when I will be allowed back into the Lord’s church and it must be stated that it has NOTHING to do with me not living the gospel. (I have not come to a point where I can write about what is really happening and not use this blog as a place to vent anger, hurt and misunderstanding.) Not disguising my lead-in; things with my former spouse have continued to be unhealthy for both ourselves and the children. As I write I feel a sense of anxious tension as I feel the desire to write details that albeit true are hurtful and mean. To that I say NEXT SUBJECT.

Disneyland was a great experience. The kids had such a great time and it was a blessing as a parent to be able to give that to them. Catherine wasn’t able to come with us this time; but Jane and Dorian had great times. I felt it a special time to spend some time with my daughter and build on my relationship with her. I have written it before but I have always felt a special kinship with her. She was so animated and excited for everything that I found myself in the solidarity of each moment becoming teary with emotion thinking about how much I love that child. Along with all of those moments there were three times in particular I wanted to record that made me smile. The first involved the princess’s at Disneyland. Jane wanted to meet them so bad and the only place that we were guaranteed to see them was a restaurant that we weren’t able to get a reservation for. It came to be that the only place we were able to let her get a glimpse of them was at the evening parade. At the parade when the princess came by Jane stood up and was waving and yelling “Hi Belle!!! Hi Cinderella!! Hi Sleeping Beauty!!! It was very cute and completely unexpected. The second was the last night that we were there. In order to walk back to our hotel room we had to walk through a strip mall called Downtown Disney. We were walking by the stores, seeing all the things that were there and Jane blurts out, “I LOVE this place!!!” Also very cute and completely unexpected… The third was we took the kids to Sea World the day before we left California and if you have ever been you know that there are a few roller coasters as well as the animal attractions. There is a ride called “Journey to Atlantis” and it was pretty crazy for adults, let alone kids (on top of that it had water that splashed you and the day was a moderately chilly one considering it was December). Jane really wanted to ride the ride and so we did, just the two of us. There is a part where you start at the top of a very steep embankment and then barrel down to a pool of water that splashes around you. Jane was holding on for dear life during that fall and was laughing and smiling ear to ear when it was over. We got done and there was no one waiting to ride so the attendant asked if we wanted to go again. Jane was so bummed that I said no, so I caved and we went again. Same result, Jane was giddy about the roller coaster. It was awesome. When we were walking about after the second time we passed a booth that had taken pictures of us during the fall and the picture of Jane and I was priceless; she was holding on to my arm with her mouth wide open and smiling ear to ear. She is so fearless… I love it.

My folks are here at the moment; they traveled in to town the day after Christmas and are staying until the weekend. It is really nice to have them around and I will be sure to write again here in the next few days about some of the other details of my life.

….and scene…

Me and Phoebs...

Me and the dumbest/cutest Cocker Spaniel to ever wander the earth...er, i mean my living room.
(Hadn't posted any pics in a while...)

Giving Thanks... For A Weekend Badly

Monday after Thanksgiving weekend: My body feels like I was in a fist fight and I have reconciled myself to a renewal of sorts. It is an overcast morning with the anticipation of snowfall later this week so I start my writings again hoping to go back to my personal “default settings” and remove the bad habits of the weekend. This weekend I ate too much, slept too much, didn’t exercise enough and feel old because of it. It is also a tough time business wise to maintain focus because for five days there is not much of anything that you can do to either get new business or have progress on your current business. The first few “trots back in the saddle” after that are challenging. BUT… here I am starting with the important things; I read my scriptures, ate breakfast and am now writing in my journal. The way I figure it after starting the day this way I can expect nothing but success for the rest of the day.

I don’t normally like to record in my journal my personal transgressions but yesterday was a day I don’t want to relive. I watched football all day long; didn’t go to church, shopped on Sunday and didn’t do anything remotely close to worshipping the Lord. It is no wonder that I felt empty and spiritually void yesterday. Before I went to bed I had a self inventory and thought about how inexcusable my actions were for the day and in a prayer I offered to Heavenly Father my promise that I would never act in that way again. In thinking about it I have used my excommunication as an excuse to make it seem that I have more challenge spiritually then the next man and that I should have a built in margin of error in the way my mistakes are handled with Heavenly Father. In reality I don’t have much left in the tank spiritually yet offer up a number of excuses to legitimize my lack of adherence to what is required of me. Regardless, I have concluded that my excuses will offer no relief to the reality that I have not acted the way the Lord would have me and I have been left to deal with the consequences of omitting or committing such actions. I have decided to change these behaviors and show a higher level of dedication and go back to the way I used to be; seeking for the spiritual gifts the Lord offers and knowing that my actions are not getting in the way of the Lord blessing me. I am reminded of the saying that a true winner one who always rises again after failure, not someone who never fails.

Along those lines one of the goals that I have this Christmas season is to get to know my Savior better and one of the ways I am choosing to do that is to read the book Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage. I have started reading and I love the rich texture of the literature as it describes different aspects of the Savior’s life and mission. I relish in the writing pondering that it was written inside the Salt Lake temple and by the hand of an apostle, commissioned by the prophet. I love reading meaningful commentary and I couldn’t find a more suitable book to read alongside the scriptures to help in my understanding of my Savior. I will make sure to report on different thoughts and feelings I have as I read and record them in my journal.

To close this posting I want to leave a quote that I found:

"Like those who were alive at the time of His mortal ministry, there are some among us who look for physical peace and prosperity as signs of the Savior's wondrous power. We sometimes fail to understand that the everlasting peace Jesus promises is an inner peace, born in faith, anchored by testimony, nurtured with love, and expressed through continual obedience and repentance. It is a peace of spirit that echoes through the heart and the soul. If one truly knows and experiences this inner peace, there is no fear from worldly disharmony or discord. One knows deep down inside that all is well as far as the things that really matter are concerned." Russell M. Nelson.

Fumes...

It’s the evening after an eventful day on this day of Thanksgiving. I have indigestion and writer’s block but can’t let the day go by without at least posting something. In entries past I have not focused so much on the day to day activities that I was involved in but more on the emotions and feelings surrounding what I do; I haven’t been in a great place for writing so I have decided to record what I have been doing to spark those feelings so that I can then record them. Here goes…

Today was a busy day. We decided to have Thanksgiving dinner here at my home with Amie’s family. We didn’t eat until late so the day was spent in preparation of the meal and also of watching football (Cowboys beat the Bucs 38-10). As a side note the Cowboy’s have been coming on strong in the past weeks, their replacement QB has put up number’s equivalent to the league’s elite and it makes for a great time for the team to become hot as the end of the season draws near and the playoffs are close. Amie’s dad came over at about 3ish to watch the game. We started eating around six and that was when the house was filled with people; close to 25. Food was eaten, we cleaned up, people left and here I am, like I said, with indigestion. Why can’t I ever remember that overeating is LAME and not to be glorified!

I called the girls this morning to talk to them. It’s funny to me how Catherine will talk to me with greater ease than will Jane. I can hear in the background every time I call to talk to Jane that she is resistant to talk and throws a fit. I don’t ever really get to communicate with them and wonder if I am just calling to talk to them for me and not for them; that they could really care less. I had them over this past weekend and for the most part it was a great visit; everyone getting along and having a good family vibe. Having the girls around helps in my relationship with Dorian, I appreciate him more as I see the three of them together and how he genuinely cares about them. I remember not too many weeks ago taking him to get his hair cut and the barber asking if he had any brothers or sisters to which he replied that he had two younger sisters and he liked them a lot. There was no asterick, if you will that said they were step sisters or that they didn’t leave here all the time. He just said he did and he liked them. He also prays for them when we pray as a family. It seems that my concerns and love for them has been matched with the love and concern that Amie and Dorian have as well. I wish that I felt that the same regard was patterned in their home in Idaho; I am doubtful that it is.

Anyway, tomorrow Amie is dragging me out of bed early to go to the big “day after Thanksgiving” sales. It will be my first time being out and about before 7 a.m. for any sort of thing like that. (and to note, she was stunning today… such style and grace as a host…)

Very scattered entry… Tank is empty… in every way.

To A Screeching Halt...

Today is an interesting Sabbath. It is the first day of Daylight Savings Time and so I have an extra hour this morning that I haven’t had since, well… last spring. I got up this morning and came into my office to study the scriptures and instead have spent the last while reading from my missionary journal; more specifically my journal from when I was in the M.T.C. in August and September of 1995. In reflection that time of my life was a great one; I was so young and inexperienced in the world and had such a limited understanding about life yet understood the simple things unpolluted by the changes that come from age. One of the themes that is throughout my journal is that I must remove my hard heart and seek for the Spirit at all times. Here are some quotes:

“Sept. 4, 1995: I am learning how important the Spirit is. I can’t teach without the Spirit and I need to live my ENTIRE live so that I am worthy of it. I pray that I will remember how the little things are important and it is the accumulation of those little things that add up to make the difference. Yesterday was an incredible day and I hope that I continue to obey that way I have today.”

Written a few weeks earlier:

“Aug. 8, 1995: The main thing I wanted to write about tonight is how I’m doing spiritually. I’ve hard a hard heart lately and had a hard time feeling the Spirit. I kept thinking about how I just assumed that when I came back here to the M.T.C. I would already have everything I need spiritually at my dispose. The whole night I have been melancholy in my thinking and decided to ask counsel from my Father in Heaven. I went outside and prayed. While I was outside I prayed for a lot of different things. I prayed for that firm testimony again. I prayed for that surety that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I prayed for the welfare of my family and friends and prayed for forgiveness. My prayer was wonderful but I know that it is only the beginning. Through experience I have learned that the cleansing power of the Holy Ghost doesn’t come right away. I’m still trying to humble myself enough to rid myself of this burden of pride. I know morally that I am worthy to be here, but I don’t know what could be keeping me from the Spirit.”

And last but not least…

“Aug. 20, 1995. Bryce, remember how you feel right now. You feel clean, forgiven, happy… There is that inner peace that can only be remembered by obtaining it. Hopefully you feel it right now as you reread this, but if you don’t… Get it back.”

It has been good for me to read these things. I feel like I am on a never ending highway where the destination is the feelings described above. The past two and a half years have been so taxing on me and my heart spiritually. I have faced up to my mistakes and sought to fix them the very best that I could and sometimes the only things that fill up my heart are sadness and regret; not forgiveness. I cannot tangibly remember what the Spirit feels like and I thank my Heavenly Father that I have journals that I can read that remind me at least of times when I felt it. I have such a strong motivation to be a better person; read my scriptures, show charity and love to my fellow man, pray… all those things but none whatsoever to attend church. Church to me at this point in my life is burdensome and boring. I cannot participate or share or take part in the ordinances that are the reason for going. I know that I need church I just feel so discouraged by how long I have been waiting to become a member of that church again that my attitude is “what for…” I need some fuel in my tank because as I see it, the fuel light has been on for years. Please pardon my candidness in writing; all these words really do is try to mask the way that I utterly miss the companionship of the Holy Ghost and being apart of the brotherhood of the priesthood….

True to the blog I will post this, but I will not continue on this rant.

Daily Reminders...

"We live in a world where finding fault in others seems to be the favorite blood sport. It has long been the basis of political campaign strategy. It is the theme of much television programming across the world. It sells newspapers. Whenever we meet anyone, our first, almost unconscious reaction may be to look for imperfections."To keep ourselves grounded in the Lord's Church, we can and must train our eyes to recognize the power of the Lord in the service of those He has called. We must be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. And we need to prayfor the Holy Ghost to help us know that men who lead us hold this power. For me, such prayers are most often answered when I am fully engaged in the Lord's service myself."(Henry B. Eyring, "Faith and Keys," Ensign, November 2004, 28.)

I'd say that this most aptly aplies to the way that we look at ourselves..

Carry on...

How Are You Going To Stop #81? Uhh... Sack His QB...

This morning finds me in a peculiar place. I don’t usually write in the morning but I feel that doing so will allow me to write from a different perspective and draw from a different emotion inside of me. The weather this morning is beautiful; the only clouds that are visible are high in the sky and the air is cool and brisk. It seems that this winter is creeping slowly upon us in typical Utah fashion; the smell of winter is around me yet from the solidarity of behind a window it stills looks very much like summer. A befitting metaphor for a number of changes that happen in life in that from behind shelter things on the other side are somewhat misrepresented. I sit in my office here alone; the part of my family that lives with me are away and I have decided to write…

I have somewhat of a hangover right now. Not from any sort of alcohol (I don’t drink) but from Monday Night Football. I had written previously about how Monday night is a time for friends to gather in my home and enjoy the company of one another and watch football. That idea has become a full blown tradition and I enjoy it on every Monday night as my friends start to show up and we talk, play and watch football. Football has been something that has grown on me and I lament my disinterest in it when I was younger and regret that when my body was able to handle its abuse I never played. Being older and understanding the game the way I do now lets me realize how fascinating it is. To the layman it could be perceived as a barbaric display of unnecessary violence and I guess a portion of it is. There is so much scheme and intelligence needed to understand the many aspects of it and how so much happens all at once that I think that those who don’t like it really don’t understand it and haven’t given it a fair shake. It really is a modern day chess match. Last night was an entertaining game but I started to see that I am the kiss of death for a team on Monday night. This year every team that I have rooted for has lost the Monday night game; even the games I could have cared less about either team the one I chose to support lost. I guess the only way I can secure that my team wins on Monday night is to attend the game (GO FALCONS http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8126/1845/1600/IMG_0441.0.jpg ) Regardless it is a fun time to watch. After thanksgiving the NFL Network will be broadcasting games on both Thursday and Saturday nights, making it so that Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday night NFL football will be available in HD in my home. WOW… I will need to stock up on chips and salsa! My hangover comes having been wrapped in the drama that is the game and left to a morning to think about it. It’s a good thing….

My body is so sore today as well. I have tried to take care of my body better in the past couple of years and I have done well at increasing my muscle density and lowering my body fat yet I haven’t been able to break through to that next level where I look completely fit and don’t have that extra layer of softness around my midsection. I have definition in my arms and chest that I have never had; I just can’t give up the sugars which deposit themselves on my gut and butt… There is a class at the gym I go to that is called Total Conditioning; it is 75 minutes of manipulating your heart rate above and below your anaerobic threshold. In order to get to the point where you can manipulate your heart rate like that you have to get worked to the point of muscle failure. I went to that class yesterday morning and it is a very exhilarating; BUT today I can feel every muscle in my body remind me what I just did to them. I need to go break a sweat again to get some blood into my muscles I just have no drive to do it. Aw, the beauty of growing old.

Things seem to be good. I write this feeling happy and excited for the weekend. I am going to get my girls this weekend and have them for the Halloween holiday. We have the costumes already for them; Jane will be Tinkerbelle and Catherine will be Raggedy Ann. Dorian will protect the bunch as Superman; very cute costumes. I miss them so much when they aren’t with me and when they are I cherish every moment that I have. I saw a movie once where a man was talking to his father-in-law to be and was telling him of the great love that he had for his daughter. The father-in-law said something to the fact that the feelings we feel for people don’t matter to anybody but ourselves and the only way people can know that we love them is to show them. In keeping to that theme I hope that the actions that I show my kids that I love them will be interpreted the way that they are meant to be. I don’t do anything for my children as an act of guilt for what has happened between their mother and I but as a desire that I have to be around them and take care of them. I don’t know how all of the details will play out but hopefully they will never second guess the love I have for them. I would love it they could live with me someday; there are too many complications to worry about right now to even entertain that thought for too long. For now I will cherish what time that they have here with me.

I need to start the day…

"...Push The Pedal Down, Watch The World Around Fly By Us..."

Back to the blog… I am getting better at the times between postings and trying to write on a more regular basis. Since we have moved I have been swamped with the smallest and mundane things trying to get our home and office up and running. The aggregate effect has been days were I am been kept busy with a laundry list that is getting shorter as the days goes by. I am close to having things the way that I want and need them to be. Today was a good day, we basically have the home office set up, the network established and tomorrow I will learn how to use the main computer I have to act as a server for the other computers on the network. Yippee… exciting stuff…

I wanted to comment on the change I made to the appearance of the blog. I feel that the differences between the old template and the new one are symbolic of the outlook I have as I write and the tone that most of my entries take. The previous look of black background and white lettering was somewhat bleak. The new look of white background with grey writing lends itself to a more optimistic outlook. It is void of any real color so as not to be overly exciting and take away from what I might write, but nonetheless it is a good change. As I wrote previously I have felt that this new change and move has been somewhat of a rebirth for me and I wanted to convey that in my writing. I am sure that the some of the same tones will persist but I generally should be more hopeful in my pining.

Business has been interesting. I feel an excitement for the future and the time is split between dreaming of the riches that could be at my fingertips and the thought of ruin. I have a number of different “irons in the fire” that could be very fruitful. I have started more to understand the need that one has to surround himself with other people with similar goals and desires so that everyone can work together to reach their goals. This has helped to force out the negative thoughts and concentrate on having worthy motivations to what I am trying to accomplish. I have also started looking more at my own personal righteousness and how it plays such a role in the way that the Lord is willing to bless me. I have been given the chance to be apart of the lives of some very incredible people and I feel the Lord’s hand guiding me to empower them with some of the knowledge that I have that can bless their lives and the lives of their families. I can see how it is not always spiritual knowledge that the Lord wants His children to impart one to another and in so doing His love is shown just as if it were spiritual knowledge. I marvel at how blessed I have been throughout the past while that Amie and I have been married. Not to discount the absence that some of the most prized gospel blessing have had in my life, I still feel that the Lord has looked out for me.

On that front, I have no news to report about being rebaptized. Bishop Enger called me and said that Marla had sent him her letter and that he had all the necessary letters to get things submitted to the First Presidency. Unfortunately with us moving it puts everything in the hands of a new Bishop. I have been to church the past two weeks and have yet to meet our new bishop. Our new ward is monstrous, filling up half of the cultural hall as well as the chapel. This past Sunday I was able to get the number of the executive secretary so I should be able to get an appointment soon. Oh yeah, Stake Conference is this weekend as well which should add a nice delay. This has taken so long that I sometimes feel like giving up and just not dealing with it. I won’t go into it again about the trials associated with the type of lifestyle where you go to church as if you were an active member but aren’t. Not to mention last weeks lesson was about Agency and Consequences… sheesh, all right I GET IT…

Tomorrow I will be sending off the Marla the dates I am hoping to have the girls until the end of the year. I really hope that there isn’t any conflict with what I am hoping to do. I don’t think their should be but there is a pretty extended period in the month of December so I guess I will see.

It is very late and I am without words…Tchau..

No Title... Just Read.

Welcome back to the blog. Holy almost a month! As a write this I sit in my new home reminiscing about the past little while and waiting for a client to show up for an appointment. Tomorrow I travel to Idaho to pick up my girls and bring them back here for there birthdays. I am very excited to see them, the last visit we had was too short.

The latest disagreement between their mother and I is over the amount of time that they spend here with me. When Marla first moved to Idaho it seemed like it was going to be a very easy evolution into when they would visit. As time permitted, and since they were not in school I would pick them up every third weekend for a long weekend; meaning picking them up Thursday and returning them Tuesday. Before the last visit Marla voiced to me her disapproval of that long of a visit and told me of the difficulty in their transition once they returned home. She originally suggested to me a one day exchange, meaning I travel to pick them up; they spend the next one day with me and are returned home the day after; two days of travel for one day here with me. I failed to see the reason for such a short visit and in our discussion our conversation turned much more accusatory that I will record here. Fortunately for that visit we were able to come to terms with a two day visit. That seems to be the limit that Marla wants to have them here; according to her that one or two extra days is such a huge obstacle in them being “normal” there in Idaho. As I am sitting here I am contemplating what ways there would be to overcome our inability to see the importance I have in there lives and how they need the time with me here in my home. I have been reading about the best ways for kids to handle the separation of their parents; it does them well to be here with me and for them to feel apart of this home as well as there place there. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me if Marla and I get this wrong, looking back I see the errors throughout in how things have transpired and how every step along the way has been masked as the right reason but has ultimately been wrong. Every time I pray I hope that in some way the effects of the drastic changes and distance to me that they have endured may be able to pass them by and be happy and healthy as they grow; void of some deeper issues only to surface later as confusion; trust issues or a distance to God. I also hope that I will stop allowing the dynamic between Marla to be as it is. We are co-parents of our children; she is not the sole parent with all the control over them. Knowing her; it will prove to be a very tough battle to wage in fighting for equality in the parenting and time spent with our children. I anticipate every step along the way her assertion that I chose this route and that in it’s self negates any say I might have in the direction of their lives. It’s so sad how this divorce has caused Marla and I to fight with each other using the most ugly and dark sides of our personalities. Hopefully time can give us a perspective that we don’t share at this moment. Regardless, tomorrow I get to see my sweet daughters… Great day ahead…

The past week has been very busy. My mom flew into town; we closed on the sale of the town home, packed up our house, lived out of a U-haul for a day and were finally able to move into our new place. We have spent the last days unpacking and making our house a home. Amie and I feel a great sense of peace about this home for it will be the first home that we two have shared only together. Our last two places have been scattered with past memories and hints of a life before. It has been a struggle to really let go of the regret of past mistakes and embrace the future for what it can be when every bedroom, scratch on a wall or stain on the carpet tells two separate stories of two separate lives. My memories of the past are so vivid sometimes that it is hard to believe how long ago they are. Our new home allows us to be able to have place that is not tainted with those feelings and enables us to find refuge in the resolution of the past and the dedication to today being a day looking forward. There is a certain amount of peace that comes when I think of building new memories.

I'll write more later, my client is here.

The Gnome Is Now Caged...

This is new thing for me; I mean the time of day and my frame of mind for writing. It’s a Sunday morning and it has been such a very long time since I have written anything let alone had a posting here on the blog. I feel motivated to get back to old habits that once brought me to the page on a more regular basis. I have discounted what effect writing gives me to cope with the large and small challenges of life.

One of the things that happened to me and made it difficult to write was I have had some major computer difficulties. I needed more hard drive space so I took my computer to local store here to have another hard drive installed. It should have been an easy fix but for some reason I was given excuses with terminology like “incorrect jumper settings” and “unreconciled licensing issues.” After too much time, money and frustration I decided to take my computer to a more expensive, reputable computer company. After I told them of my issues they showed me exactly what the previous store had done and how they were going to fix it. They said that what I had been told previous was equivalent to being told that a gnome lives in my computer and that he was very angry so is holding my data hostage. BLASTED GNOME!!! In the end what I had to have done was to run a data recovery program to recover a bunch of data that ended up being inconsequential. It effected my work; was very stressful and now still don’t have the information that was on my old hard drive. I lost pictures of my family, old video journals I had made, letters to my girls… including the music that I lost from iTunes it was about 75 gigs of data.

As the blog will attest blessings follow hardship… I was so bugged about losing all that data and the possibility of losing all 35 gigs of my music that I became a man on a mission. My iPod still contained all the music that I had, but I knew that if I plugged it into my computer that iTunes would erase it all and I would truly have lost it all my data. I went to the Apple store here in Salt Lake and asked them what was available from them for this type of problem. The salesperson gave me the standard Apple answer… “Unfortunately, you blah blah blah….” Then he crouched his shoulders down, looked both ways slowly and whispered to me about a program that was available for download on the internet that would allow you to copy your music back to your computer from your iPod. His reaction made me think that he has telling me where to get some drugs or something… Funny… I found the program and have recovered back to my computer all the music I had. I told my neighbor about it and he offered me his iPod full of music for mine, so last night I added his library to mine with my nifty new program… all because of my hard drive issues…

Since my last posting we have closed on our new house. I don’t think I was very clear about it but our new home is currently a model home for a builder. We will be moving at the end of September, not October because the builder is leasing it back from us for this month. The home where we currently live in is also a short time away from closing; we are under contract and hope to have it wrapped up and finalized soon. Amie and I are so ready to move, when we closed on the house we thought it would be good to have this time to prepare, plus we get to use the lease payment from the builder to help with some of the expenses that arise when buying a home. Reality has set in that we are on the hook for our new home, it is all that we want, and we only get to look at it from afar until the end of the month. I recognize that these aren’t real problems, just inconveniences. Please excuse the whining.

Last week my girls were here from Wednesday night until Tuesday morning. Each visit gets better and better with them here. Jane and Catherine both were very happy and enjoyed being here. All the kids got along…. It was a good visit. One thing about my kids is that it doesn’t matter what time you put them to bed, they will wake at the crack of dawn; without fail (must be the Hassell side of them)… After they leave my internal alarm clock stays that way for a good week of rising with that feeling of needing to check on the kids. Catherine is talking more and more; she is just the sweetest little thing. Jane is a crack up with the things she is learning to say; her logic and ability to connect rational thought is increasing. She would catch me off guard with little things that she would say that made me laugh. She has been having issue with going to the bathroom in her pants; she doesn’t want to miss any of the action when kids are playing so we had to ask her all the time. She didn’t have any after the first day or so here. Amie and I have been quasi-planning a Disneyland trip for the kids and the bargaining tool we use with Jane is that if she is good and doesn’t have any accidents she gets to see Cinderella’s castle and meet her. After we told her that she would talk about it constantly; reminding us at the beginning of every Disney movie that we would watch that we were going to the castle on the screen if she didn’t have accidents. I can’t wait to give that to her as a memory. Even if she does have accidents we will take her, we just want her to try her hardest…

As far as the church is concerned I have no idea about the time frame for me to be able to be rebaptized. I am told one thing, then another… I am hopeful that today at church the Bishop will have some news for me. Two weeks ago he said he needed to talk to me; I waited for him at church and tried to speak to him but he seemed too busy. Last week we didn’t attend our ward, my cousin Jake and his wife Marissa blessed their baby at their ward in Eagle Mountain so I wasn’t able to speak to him. When I picked up the kids this last time Marla told me she was having a difficult time writing the letter she needed to which could be one of the delays. It seems the closer that the time gets for me to be a member again the more delay there is. To me completely honest, right now I am so exhausted of this fight that I don’t have much left to keep at it. Going to church as if you are a member and not being able to act upon anything is very taxing. The Lord has blessed me in other areas of my life to compensate for the blessings that I cannot receive in my current state, but nonetheless I need this to be over soon.

I will write more, maybe later today…

I Think The Word I Am Looking For is "Hiatus..."

What a hypocrite I have become… I post an entry not too long ago touting my greatness at keeping the commandment of journal writing and POOF… a month passes by. In all fairness I have made journal entries just not any postings… I have an internal struggle any time I write down anything too personal thinking that it is not fit for the general public. That thinking hurts the integrity of this blog… please forgive me.

The past month has brought upon me and my family a number of changes. Spiritual changes, financial changes, emotional changes… all have occurred. Amie and I decided that after having reached a few key milestones that the time had become right to start looking for a new home to buy. We found one that we were excited about, made an offer and are currently about a week (maybe less) away from closing. We will not be moving yet; we will be leasing the home back to the builder for a month so we will officially be moving at the end of October. We are very excited about our new home, it will be big enough to allow for all the things that we have shown concern for; a home office, a play room, rooms for all my children and a BIG garage (that was key for me). We had decided to rent our current home, going through all the necessary tasks to secure someone to live here after we moved but in doing so found that the values of homes here in our area has skyrocketed. We put a “For Sale By Owner” sign in our front yard last Saturday and today accepted an earnest money check to precede an official contract tomorrow. It happened so quickly that it took us off guard. Needless to say these things will bless our lives tremendously.

This past week the girls have been here. I went up last Thursday and picked them up from Marla and returned them today. Things with Marla lately have been very cordial and I have been pleasantly surprised. I have missed the nice person that I know lives inside her and it seems that she and I are being able to have an open dialogue about things regarding our children and still remain respectful. This visit with the girls was great, the kids got along better, Catherine continued to escalate her celebrity status with everyone she met and Jane made me feel like a loving father. One concern popped up; Jane kept referring to Kevin as her Daddy and after questioning her she seemed a bit confused. She said that she had Daddy Bryce and Daddy Kevin. Very lovingly we discussed with her that she has only one Daddy; and that was me. I asked Marla about it and she said that she has recently started doing it, especially around Kevin’s children; trying to fit in. I asked Marla if she could help me to reinforce that although Kevin will offer a loving a positive influence in her live that I have the only one that deserves the name Daddy. I told her how when Catherine first started coming here that she would call Amie “mommy” and how we would correct her and how now she calls her Amie. Marla was receptive to my feelings; something for which I am grateful. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am not but I would be liar if I didn’t admit that one of the underlying emotions to this whole concern was jealousy. I need my kids to know who I am and I make all the effort that I currently can to be in their lives. I do not want to share the sacred name of Father with any one else… NEXT SUBJECT… We took the girls to the new house and showed Jane where her new room would be; she was very excited for things to happen. Having the girls here challenges Dorian in a very positive way… tonight Dorian was riding his bicycle more aggressively than he ever has and I have reason to think it had part to do with a bit of friendly competition between he and Jane. Albeit a blended family, I feel a unity and love within our home that is uplifting and healthy. I have to wait another two weeks to see the girls….

I have been meeting regularly with my Bishop in preparation for rebaptism. Two weeks ago he asked me to write a letter to the First Presidency stating my feelings about a number of different things, among them my feelings about the Savior and His gospel. I will post a copy of my letter at the end of this blog for I feel that my posterity should know the testimony I bare and how this experience has affected me. According to my Bishop both Marla and Amie need to write letters; Amie has already written hers and hopefully Marla will have hers to Bishop Enger soon. After than I meet with the Stake President and from there I am unaware of what will happen. I am hopeful that it will all be resolved in the next six weeks before we move. I am sure that it will…

So many memories come back when I ponder about being a member of the church again. My testimony in the reality of the atonement making whole all mistakes is definitely challenged. Some of the things that were effects of my decisions I cannot comprehend how the Lord could fix them. I know he can, I just can’t see it… I guess that I revert back to the first principle of the gospel for help with that one…

Life is good… Here is my letter:

“July 30, 2006

To the First Presidency:

Unfortunately, my story is not unlike many you may have already heard. I was excommunicated from the Church on August 22, 2004 for the sin of breaking my temple and baptismal covenants through adultery. I was married to a woman to whom we shared temple covenants, a beautiful daughter and were expecting another. I became involved in a sexual relationship with a woman to whom I have since married and through my decisions lost my membership in the church, my family and the confidence I had to choose the right. As I left the court it was whispered in my ear that what had just happened was a sign of our Father’s love… at the time I didn’t understand what that meant. As time has passed I have started to see the wisdom in that statement and have waited for the opportunity to express to the church my regret and sorrow.

I write this as an expression of my desire to be allowed back in to the fold. Through my experience of being excommunicated I have realized the many blessing I gave up in exchange for the decisions I made at that time of my life; blessings I sorely miss. The effect of my decisions will affect those I love for a time that I cannot foresee; and for that my heart weeps. During that dark period in my life I struggled with depression, thoughts of suicide and ruin on every level. I felt as though I was looking at the gospel from behind a glass wall. Through others I could see the blessings of the gospel; church service; members strengthened through their families, the gift of the Holy Ghost manifested and yet could only feel glimpses of those blessings as I surrounded myself with those people. In looking back I feel as if the imperfections of my testimony and misunderstanding of the gospel were being burned away from inside of me and being replaced with a true understanding of all that God requires of us and the abundance of His blessings as we obey. I would not wish my path upon any soul but thank my Heavenly Father for the understanding that has come as I seek for His trust again. The beauty of the atonement is in the things that we can’t see; the way that the Lord through the sacrifice of His son can make sense of our lives after we have done everything we can to mess them up. I have gained more of an appreciation of the Lord’s Church as I have been a spectator to it and what it does for His children. My prayers have become more sincere as my heart unequivocally knows how dependant I am on His grace and love to be redeemed.

In seeking rebaptism one of the thoughts that were most concerning to me was the conditions offered on the day of my court. I was challenged to abandon the relationship that I had outside of marriage and fully reconcile with my wife. Since that day I have turned away from the actions and attitude that led me to make the decisions I made but I was not able to abandon my relationship or reconcile with my former wife. I have offered many prayers and asked forgiveness from my former spouse and the Lord for the things that caused my marriage to end and wish that the contrary would have happened; but I have since put more effort into my marriage relationship. I seek for all the blessings that marriage can offer with my wife and feel a part of a warm and healthy relationship. I have abandoned all of the actions that led to my excommunication. Even though I now have a different spouse I have seen the fruition of a mere thought and have chosen to not entertain any such inappropriate seeds as the only outcome is not of the Lord.

As evidence of my desire to be rebaptized I offer the following report of my actions. I have maintained in my heart a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know of the importance of church attendance and have remained as active as my circumstance allows. Although I have not been able to actively participate I have attended church as though I could. I have sought out the help and encouragement of my church leaders and have followed their council to the utmost compliance. I accepted President Hinckley’s challenge to read the Book of Mormon by the end of 2005 and have continued on in regular scripture study and daily prayer. My wife, stepson and I pray together as a family daily. Although I have not been able to pay tithing I give freely of my means and seek for the blessing of paying tithing. I am now current in all my legal child support obligations and every third week I travel to bring my children here to be with me to be apart of my family here. I seek for the full blessing the gospel offers and although I have not been privy to those blessings for the past while I live my life in a way that would allow for them. Whatever time table the Lord sees fit for me to return to his fold I am willing to wait.

I close my letter with an excerpt from my journal from after this part April’s General Conference. I have found joy in the keeping of a journal and add this to the list of things that I am doing that the Lord requires of me. My heart swells with emotion as I think about the waters of baptism washing away my sins…again.

“After the conference ended, I felt the impression to pray with my wife. I called her to me and told her of my desires and thoughts. We gathered in our room and prayed together, asking that the affects of the conference would continue to linger in our hearts and home as the days and months passed before the next. We prayed for our families, our children and each other. We offered thanks to a loving father for what he had just allowed us to feel and hear. My wife then went on her way and I stayed in the room feeling inclined to read from the scriptures. I picked them up, and begun reading in 2 Nephi 10. I seem to have trouble maintaining a happy heart considering some of the sorrows of my life, and a scripture that I read helped me to remember how to qualify myself to all that the Lord has promised. “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves- to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. 2 Nephi 10:23-24.” What a wonderful scripture! I had so much more say to my Heavenly Father, so I did; kneeling on my bed and offering another prayer to the heavens. I told Him that I was not praying in sorrow, but with joy in my heart; I expressed my gratitude for all that has been done in my life to bring me closer to Him. I thanked Him for my blessings and was very specific in describing what those blessings are. I asked that my children might be brought closer to me; I prayed for their mother to have love and the Spirit to guide her in the decisions that will affect them. I prayed for remembrance in the days to come of what I was feeling to guide my actions and increase my character. I prayed that the day would soon arrive that the Lord would trust me enough to allow me into His fold once again. I prayed to again be allowed to bare the priesthood of God and bless the lives of those around me. I asked for missionary experiences and recognized the opportunity around me to teach the gospel to those who unaware of the magnitude of its blessings. I prayed that my wife would grow in her understanding and love of the Savior. I offered thanks for the environment to which my children live and their access to things of the Spirit. Eyes wet, I concluded my prayer with a heart full and came straight away to this journal. It has been a good day.”


Sincerely,

Daniel Bryce Prescott"


It’s a long one…

Go Falcons…

"It's Hard For Many To Believe That Extraordinary Things Live Inside Themselves As Well As Others...I Hope You Can Keep An Open Mind..."

It seems I have found myself watching a lot of movies lately involving superheroes. It could possibly be because of the time of year, summer seems to be the time to resurrect those comic book type stories, be it on the big screen or on the television. Take a second… think of any story line that you have heard, read or watched involving that sort of character; there is something special or peculiar about a person; they start to recognize their own differences between them and those around them; they act in a manner that is beneficial to those around them; sacrificing their own life, sometimes limb; their reward lies in the bringing about of the better good. This universal storyline is something that I have started to dissect. Bear with me as I draw a correlation between the actions of superheroes and those of us, the not-so-super uh, heroes.

Last night I watched one of these type stories. The main character was in a relationship where he had a wife and a son, and his marriage was in jeopardy. He wasn’t completely aware of the abilities he had inside him and something in his life seemed amiss. He couldn’t explain why, but it was. He met a gentleman that started to enlighten his mind to the idea that he could be “special.” He denied that it was true, but after time and trial he started to see what he had subconsciously believed all along. His counterpart that had opened his mind to these thoughts offered the idea that the reason for the unhappiness in his life and the melancholy he faced was because he refused to believe in what he actually was and act upon those gifts that he had been given. The story ends in typical Hollywood climax. The conflict is faced, resolved; add in a little twist and boom… great movie. Once he owned his uniqueness and realized that he was special; his action followed with the subsequent aiding to the rescue in the community of the world. One of the key elements to the story was the main character seeing the limitations his own weakness played in his ability to be who he was meant to be. At first he saw his weaknesses as the reason he wasn’t special. In the end he realized it was a similarity that all those in his position faced; defeat was always a possibility but by knowing your own weakness you may strengthen yourself again and conquer what you thought you could not conquer.

Today at church there was a lot of focus on the Holy Ghost; mainly how to nurture that relationship and the need that we all have to be strengthened through its influence. In priesthood we talked of how God’s children don’t choose the outcome of their decisions but they lose sight of what that the outcome is for their decisions and then they choose the things that are ultimately their downfall. We spoke of the great need to understand what temptations are thrown at us and why…Pardon the sports analogy, but when you understand the opposing offense you understand how to stop it. Same is said for the opposing defense, you can succeed by knowing its weaknesses and limitations. A thought came to my mind reminding me of a quote by President Monson that I had read that demonstrated what happens when we do not fortify ourselves from all sides of evil…

“I recall an experience of a few years ago. A group of friends were trail riding on strong Morgan horses when we came to a clearing which opened on a lush grass meadow with a small, clear stream meandering through it. No mule deer could wish for a better home. However, there was a danger lurking. The wily deer can detect the slightest movement in the surrounding bush; he can hear the crack of a twig and discern the scent of man. He is vulnerable from but one direction—overhead. In a mature tree, hunters had erected a platform high above the enticing spot. Though in many places this is illegal, the hunter takes his prey as it comes to eat and to drink. No twig would break, no movement disturb, no scent reveal the hunter’s whereabouts. Why? The magnificent buck deer, with its highly developed senses to warn of impending danger, does not have the capacity to look directly upward and thus detect the enemy. The deer finds himself in harm’s way. Man is not so restricted. His greatest safety is found in his ability and his desire to look upward—to “look to God and live.”

There is a point to all this… I have been made acutely aware of my weaknesses…I do not presume that I am a superhero in anyway (wink); but I appreciate the Lord in His willingness to share with me the ways that he has blessed me with imperfections. This having been said, I have a perfect uniqueness that as his son; I share a relationship with my Heavenly Father that is individual to any other relationship that I have. This makes me special, this makes me loved… this makes me Bryce. As my life continues to evolve I learn more about my need for the weaknesses that I have. I am reminded that my only true happiness can come through acting upon the knowledge that I have and blessing the lives of those around me. I thank my Heavenly Father for reminding me through my weaknesses of my need for redemption. I feel empowerment as I overcome my imperfections everyday and grow towards being a more perfect man. I feel closer to my Savior as I work toward fortifying myself and my family against the adversary.

These thoughts came about because of what I learned at church this day… It was a good day. I am off to bed to rest for another day of fighting crime… ok, not really (but seriously…)

I've Done Something Write...

Along with this entry are some pictures… So much for them not cluttering the page, but I want to share them. The first is a picture of my father’s scar from his surgery. To add to the validity of what I have written I wanted to show what his chest looks like after a triple bypass. When we were in Arizona he has in good spirits and seemed to be healing well. This coming week he has another post-operative checkup and I’ll be sure to report once I know more. As of today, he is getting better at a phenomenal pace.

The other pics are of me and my kids. I got to talk briefly with them today on the phone and I can’t wait to see them again in a week and a half. Having them in Boise makes it so much easier to have them around. Having them around for that 10 days really helped me to heal a part of myself that had been dark for a long time. I saw a glimpse of a life where although they don’t live with me they are close to me and I to them; I saw us growing in the way that the Lord would have considering the circumstance. It feels good to heal…

Today in church I would have to say I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt. I felt like I was in the right place and felt that the things that I was doing in my life were the things that I needed to be doing. The lesson in priesthood today was about journal keeping and it was appalling to me how many of the people that were in that class actually keep a steady journal. It was discussed that you really have no idea what effect the record of your life will have on those that read from it later; I have to say that I pray that my efforts will bless my posterity. It seems that everything that we have from our ancestors is in one form or another a journal; everything from the actual journals, the scriptures, priesthood lesson manuals… they are all records from the past that testify of the blessings that come from a Christ centered life and the pitfalls that come when that way is neglected. I feel that if I wish to have any lasting influence on my family I need to keep the commandment to keep a journal with religious zeal. I want my influence and testimony live on, so I’ll record it. So to my loved ones that read these words, please learn from the mistakes that I have made and hold as true as possible to the way of the Lord. He loves you…


There are many other things I can write, but I will save them for the next entry. Toodles…

Dream Beneath A Desert Sky...

I might as well use my time while I am here… It’s Sunday evening once again and I am in Surprise, Arizona visiting my family. On Friday I went to Boise to pick up my children; drove them to Salt Lake and then Saturday drove here with the rest of my family. I am feeling spent as it has been quite a bit a driving over the last few days. Add to that I personally feel that Arizona is hell’s waiting room; the temperature was 114 degrees today. I have vowed to never come to Arizona again unless after October 15th and before April 15th.

It has been a great couple of days so far. Having my children around is one of the most rewarding blessings of my life. I love each one of them with such a fondness… Jane is not only my daughter but my friend, I enjoy just being around her and watching her grow into a wonderful person. Throughout this trip her and Dorian would sing different kids songs together; Itsy Bitsy Spider, ABC’s, Take Me Out to the Ball Game etc. Today she just started singing I am a child of God, all by herself. Even though it may seem insignificant it made my heart swell… She is definitely a toddler, she has her fits and tantrums like the rest of them but I feel that fatherly connection with her and sense the same love towards me from her. I am lucky to be her dad… and Catherine; that little girl is such a riot. So full of energy and joy… always talking, never afraid to smile and loves everyone. I love the moments with her where she seems me a yells “Daddy!” I have always felt a fear that I would not be able to have the kind of relationship that she deserves because of the distance that she has living with her mother, but I have been reminded that she too knows that I am her father and wants my love and attention. She is just so loving…She has even been overly affectionate with my mother; which warms my heart. Jane was always somewhat reserved with my mom and I think that it might have hurt her feelings a bit. Not Catherine… loves Grandma and shows it….

On the drive down here we brought a book called “Just Like Daddy.” I don’t know who the author is, but it’s a children’s book that talks of things that children see and feel and how it’s just like daddy; hence the name of the book. Actually, every page ends with the phrase “just like daddy.” As we were driving here Amie was reading the book to the kids and Jane would freely repeat “just like daddy.” Amie then started adlibbing and saying things that I do while ending with “just like daddy.” Some of the things that we being said about me were very endearing and the kids agreed enthusiastically. It caused me to think about it thinking it was the first time that I can recall being celebrated as a father to my kids. This past Father’s Day I didn’t get to talk to my kids; for whatever reason they did not call. I know that at their age they don’t understand but nonetheless it left a bitterness that took me a few days to get over. I love my kids and despite what mistakes I have made in the past I am doing all possible to make it as right as I can so that they know of my love for them and my dedication to the Lord. Until they get to be the age where they understand what all this means I will continue with my efforts even if it goes unnoticed.

As we were driving here I noticed a very enlightening coincidence and decided this should be the place to record it. We drove to Arizona through Las Vegas and the last leg of this trip is traveled through the Joshua Forest. Although Joshua Tree National Park is most known for being in California part of it is in western Arizona, and we were fortunate enough to drive through it. U2 named their album after the trees in that forest (The Joshua Tree) and even photographed the album cover and liner notes in the Joshua forest. The tree itself is quite extraordinary, it doesn’t grow very tall and the climate to which it thrives is without much water and extreme heat; but it maintains a way to offer shade for itself on some of the bigger trees. I appreciated it’s perseverance as I correlated the way in which we are required to thrive through a loan and dreary world. Although I knew about the Joshua tree I was unaware that I would actually be driving though the forest. This was my first time driving to Arizona this route and my family told me that the last leg of the trip was the ugliest, but I will have to disagree. I was listening to the Vertigo Tour album in Chicago, to the song “Running to Stand Still” as we came upon the beauty I beheld. It was a wonderful alignment of time and space to come upon it as I did and realize where I was…

Running To Stand Still:

And so she woke up from where she was lying still;
Saying I got to do something about where were going…
Step on a steam train, step out of the driving rain
Maybe run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha la la la de day
Singing ha la la la de day

Sweet the sin, but the bitter taste in my mouth;
I see seven towers but I only see one way out.
You got to cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice,
you knowI took the poison from the poison stream
then I floated out of here…
Singing ha la la la de day
Singing ha la la la de day

She runs through the streets with her eyes painted red
under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway, she brings me
white gold and pearls stolen from the sea…
She is raging, she is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill,
She is running to stand still

So there we have it… two days of my trip so far…

Worse Than Taxes...

Today has been a crazy day... With all of the stuff going on with my dad I also had to pay 80 bucks to have a boot removed from my car as it was parked right in front of me as I was washing my H2. I won't go into too many of the details, but it was UGLY. I haven't been that heated in an argument for years... Anyway, I just finished writing the following letter to the HOA in response to what happened. It's self explanatory...

To whom it may concern:

My wife and I are the owners the property with the address XXXXX S. Xxxx Xxxxx Xxx located in the Bluffs at Oquirrh Park Community. This letter is in reference to an incident that occurred approximately 8:30 p.m. Friday June 16, 2006. On said evening my vehicle was booted by Joey Towing Inc. out in front of my town home as I was in my driveway washing my other vehicle. I had parked my car on the street while I was beginning to wash my SUV, keeping my car in plain view the entire time. My car was not obstructing any through traffic, any limited common area space and was not on the street long enough to warrant a boot (See Section 5.2 of the RULES AND REGULATIONS: THE BLUFFS AT OQUIRRH PARK dated March 31, 2006). I was hosing off my SUV as the tow truck drove up, the operator seeing me in plain sight walked up to my car and put the boot on my car. I immediately went to intervene, but to no avail proceeded to have a very heated argument with the driver as he proceeded to tell me that he was only doing his job as per his agreement with the Home Owner’s Association President.

The discussion with the tow truck operator included:

-Threats by the tow truck operator to call the police for my “belligerent conduct.”
-Threats that he would just tow my car and I would have to pay for two days storage PLUS the boot fee since the tow company isn’t open on Saturdays.
-Declarations that I was being “done a favor” that all I had to pay for what the boot removal fee.
-No other options giving me to have the boot removed from my car other than to pay then 80 dollars in cash.
-Statements by the towing company that they don’t give warnings any more.

The purpose of this letter is two-fold:

1. Seeing that the tow company operated under edict from the Home Owner’s Association is becomes necessary for me to require of the Association that the money that I paid in having the boot removed be reimbursed to me (a copy of the receipt is included with this letter). As per Section 5.2; being that my car was in plain view the entire time, even if it was on the street for longer than 5 minutes it was a first offense; and as per Section 8.1.1. I received no warning for the infraction. If I had been asked to move my car, I would have; but I was not given that chance. Because of that, reimbursement is required for this breach of the association rules.

2.The agreement with the HOA and the towing company needs to reflect an overall sense of fairness for the owners in this community. It is for looking out for the property of the home owners and NOT to be used as a racketeering scheme by either the HOA or the towing company. It has become clear by this situation that there is a disconnect between what is fair for the home owners and what the Association allows by the third parties it contracts with. Because of its heated nature, the experience that I had with the tow truck operator was witnessed by many of the owners on Sage Flats Way. In speaking with many of them after the situation was over it was echoed by them that it was clearly unfair/unjust what had just happened and that the quality of the individual that worked for the towing company was one of little professionalism or hygiene. It becomes necessary to have the Association change the company that monitors our streets on our behalf to a more reputable company where the owners are not berated and verbally assaulted for merely trying to exercise their rights given to us by the Association.

I trust that these concerns will be addressed. It is acceptable to have the reimbursement for the boot removal to appear as a credit on our HOA invoice that we receive monthly. For any further information, please feel free to call XXX-XXX-XXXX or email bxxxx@exxxxxnlenxxng.com.

Regards,

Bryce Prescott



Wow...What a day...

Surgery Update 2.

It’s the evening of the same day the previous entry was posted. I received many updates throughout the day from both my brother and my mother, the last one being that my mother had been able to see my father post surgery and that he was fine. Things went better than they had anticipated, throughout the whole surgery he has stable and as predicted they realized a triple bypass. As of writing this I haven’t heard if he has been spoken to after the surgery but the news as of now is that he is fine and things are well… I will write more later…

Surgery Update 1.

So much for a pre-surgery update… Today is Friday, June 16, 2006 and as I write this my father is currently in surgery for the heart conditions I previously wrote about. After my last entry he had the pre-operative appointment I referenced and they scheduled his surgery for today, June 16. I write this with a nervous anxiety for the outcome of today and praying that the surgery will go well. I called my dad last night to talk with him and to express to him my love and appreciation for him and his influence in my life before he went in today for his operation. As he recounted to me the many different expressions that people have shown him of their love for him it seemed that he was relaxed and prepared for whatever outcome this surgery manifested. He has had such an outpouring of love from those people around him and his family that I am confident that if the worst scenario happens he would leave this world knowing of the profound effect he has had on so many people; most of all his family and friends.

On to the technical stuff… The doctors told him that he at least will have a triple by-pass. Because of the strain on his heart over the years his heart is actually enlarged; so there is a possibility of them removing a portion of his heart that would make it smaller. They will enter his chest through his sternum, opening his rib cage to expose his heart all the while he is sedated and being closely monitored by an anesthesiologist. The surgery will take about 5 hours, so as of right now (real time) he has been in surgery for about and hour. They will then drop the transmission, lube the chassis, change the oil (I believe it will be with 5-30w) and then fix the bad cylinder (Sorry, couldn’t help myself). I don’t know many more of the details after that.

I will post this and then update again later. I am hoping for the best… LOVE YOU DAD!!!

Remember The Other Entries, Bryce...

This entry will be very brief. It's more to remind myself as I go back and read the entries that I have written that there are other things that I have written that have not been posted. Hang in there and things will find a way to work themselves out... God Speed...

Be Still My Beating Heart...(Okay, Not Really Funny)

Pardon the language, but I suck at this writing thing…lately anyway. I have had so many things happen to me in my life lately; every time I think that I should sit down to write I end up being distracted and the opportunity AND the ideas pass me by. It is Sunday night and I don’t have any ideas brewing but I am forcing myself to add to this journal. The first thing that comes to mind is the family fast that we had today. Here are some details why we fasted…

I have written before about my father’s health issues and the condition of his heart. I don’t recall if I had given specific details, but at the beginning of May it was scheduled that he was to receive a combination defibulator/pacemaker in his chest to help restart his heart and keep it beating in case of another heart attack. At the end of April he had a follow up appointment with his cardiologist in preparation for that surgery and found some alarming issues that were not recognized before. He was then scheduled for an angiogram, which he had this last week, to see how things were inside his heart. They found out that his heart was worse off then they had anticipated and that had he gone through with the installation of the pacemaker that his heart is not strong enough to handle the stress; it would have taken his life. The surgery that will take place to rectify his problem is a multiple bypass open heart surgery. He has a pre-operative appointment this coming Wednesday after which they will schedule the procedure. According to my father, the amount of time between Wednesday’s appointment and the surgery will be minimal; a few weeks at the latest.

My family decided that this is a good enough reason to have a family fast. There aren’t many things I have been able to participate in since “black Sunday” but fasting is one that I have been able to take part in and still feel somewhat a part of the fold. Amie and I have fasted on numerous occasions, so even with her somewhat limited understanding of the gospel and it’s blessings she sees its importance as well. It was a good fast…as I closed I cannot say that I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief that my father would be stayed from further heath issues; but I did feel that he would be fine, as would my mother and that the Lord’s will would be carried out. I don’t know what that means but it brought me peace knowing that my small offering to the Lord in behalf of my father was listened to and considered.

This experience has reminded me of how I am somewhat sheltered from death. I have never lost anyone that really mattered to me in my life to physical death. I have experienced loss in my life (this blog should bare witness to that) but never in the form of someone close to me passing on to the next world. Seems like a selfish irony that the possibility of my first experience of death would be my own father; it would abruptly introduce me to the sorrow that is associated with that end. Also it would solidify to me the reality of the eternal relationship that I have with him and bring a somber peace as well. Dad, you are a great man and I am thankful for the example you have set to me of Christ-like love and charity. Stick around as long as you can…

Speaking of father’s and eternal relationships…a week or so ago I was speaking with my uncle Scott. He is the stake president in the area where they live and I called him to ask some questions in regards to the relationship that I have with my own children and how that will all work out in the eternities. These thoughts have weighed heavy on my mind lately and I needed some resolution to my heartache. Jane was born in the covenant, meaning that her mother and I were married and sealed in the temple and were worthy of the covenants we had made. When Catherine was born I had already been excommunicated two months prior and so she is not technically sealed to me because of my disobedience to covenants I had made with the Lord. I have spoken with Marla in the months past and she has expressed to me the desire that she has to have the girls sealed to her new husband; from what I understand she has already petitioned for a cancellation of sealing (that means she wants nullified the sealing we had in the temple and her marriage to me). The overall tone in our conversation was that I really don’t have a say and I need to do what’s best for the girls and left them be sealed to him. I have a big problem allowing that to happen; partly from the standpoint of any declaration for “what’s best for the girls” that doesn’t involve me seems biased and partly from the way that I feel the timing is not right for that decision to be made considering the relative newness of our split and the eternality of a sealing. I explained to Scott my concerns and heartache to which he listened and gave council. He encouraged me to use foresight in my association with Marla and not to dwell on the anger that I may feel. He outlined to me the details of my eternal relationship with my girls and told me to believe what the Savior teaches about forgiveness and restoration. He reminded me that things would be restored; council that I much needed to hear. He admonished me to look past those who say that I am not worthy to receive such restoration and to pray A LOT. Before we ended our conversation he gave me the most comforting piece of council. “Sealings, temple marriages, family, covenants, sin, repentance ALL of these things will get worked out after we are through on this earth. All of us are here as a test, you, Marla, even your children will grow up and be tested. Everyone has to be faithful for an eternal family to be complete. Make sure that you are ready for that day by fixing things every time you mess up. If you can’t totally fix it; do what you can…it will work itself out.” So that’s what I’ll do… all that I can.

I love my children and miss then badly as I write this. I feel so sorry that I put our family in a place where this is even a concern. I place in the Lord’s hands the desire I have to have them for eternity and hope that things can work themselves out. I trust that God knows more than I do and loves me, my kids and their mother enough to help all this to be sorted out. The Spirit tells me He can and will…

Anyway, it has felt good to write. I will do better about writing and update no later than Thursday to share when my father’s surgery will be. Off to bed…

I Have A Blog? I Had Forgotten...

Writers block, be gone! I think that I might finally have something come out of my fingers on to the page that might be worthwhile. As you can tell it has been a while since I have posted an entry. To both of you that actually follow this blog, sincere apologies… to my posterity that read this in the future it won’t make that big of a difference. Anyhow…

Things have been good, for the most part. As I write this I am in my office at my house winding down from a few items of import that I just completed for work. Things with work have started to show improvement again and I am confident that the lull that I had a few months back has at least been stayed off for another month. I try not to dwell too much on those things and focus on the important things in my life but I find that in order to have my kids near me, be current in my support obligations, remain relatively out of debt, etc. that I have to make money. My job has allowed me the ability to surmount large financial obstacles without having to stress too much over long periods of time. Being that I am a salesman when something comes up instead of having to plan and budget meticulously for months or years I just have to “get more deals.” Currently, I am working on building a team of loan officers to work with me similar to the way that I started my career with Alex. He had a great thing going with the team he built; he just didn’t have the communication skills to teach us to want to be loyal to him. The first team member of “The Prescott Group” is Nate Nelson, a twenty-something B.Y.U. graduate that is almost engaged to be married. He started doing loans with Wells Fargo Financial and became so disgusted at the manner in which they conducted business that he came to Envision Lending. An acquaintance of his told him to seek out Amie to process his loans, (she’s the best) and that’s how we met. He has been a great friend and associate and I am hopeful for a fruitful working relationship over the years. Unfortunately for Alex, I learned in working with him that being a good leader and mentor has nothing to do with the money; it has to do with the value of the relationship and maintaining that fragile relationship as the trainee learns more of the business and becomes more independent in his abilities. Nate has a good head on his shoulders and we both recognize we have a better chance to succeed working together. As things get stronger with Nate I will add more team members; hopefully to the end that my Niche Funding project will start to show some fruit. Such is business…

Amie and I spent the Mother’s Day/Anniversary weekend in Las Vegas. When we got married a year ago we stayed at the newly opened Wynn Hotel on the strip. The Wynn sends me emails periodically and a few weeks ago I received one for incredibly cheap rooms for the weekend and half price show tickets. It was a very nice weekend, just the two of us reminiscing about what the last year has been for us and where the next one will go. Being that I had never been and the tickets were half price we went to the show “Le Reve” at the hotel. It was incredible. The theater was designed especially for the show; it was a giant “theater in the round” with the stage being water with different floating stages that appeared and disappeared for the different parts the show. “Le Reve” means “the dream” in French and the show was seven different representations of dreams one might have. There was high flying wire work, diving from incredible heights, dancing and even a bit of comedy. I would google “Le Reve” to see some clips from the show; it was almost magical.
Life is starting to settle down a bit but still has significant trials. I still miss my kids every day and can’t wait for them to be closer to me; which should be within the next month or so. My relationship with my step-son is rocky at best; this week seems to be a new low for us. I have expressed to Amie the struggles I have with him and why I feel such a short fuse with everything that he does. The reasons I feel these feelings is that I don’t feel that I have any say in what goes on with his life. To him, I mean nothing; matter of fact the times he is the happiest are the times when I am away. Amie feels that I am too hard on him and never show him any sort of friendship and so that is her reason for feeling the need to “protect” him from me. Amie has admitted that her endearment to me is tied to my relationship with him, adding to the loneliness of the situation. I look at him as one of the costs of my kids being far away and he has no respect or gratitude for the positive things I have brought into the life of his mother; only that I am the guy that takes away attention from his mother. This week I have pulled back completely in the situation having Amie handle everything with Dorian; I don’t think I have really even spoken directly to him for the last few days. He has subsequently been bubbly and happy making my world seem even larger and my influence even smaller in it. How is it possible that a four and a half year old can already wield this much power to his surroundings? What is the right thing for me to do? I feel so much confusion in this area and know that if it continues unchecked that it will deteriorate even more to the point where it affects Amie and I more than it does now. It is devastating to feel that as a possibility; I cannot live in such a way.

On a lighter note, we are attempting to sell our H2. We have tried in the past but this time we are really putting the effort out to get rid of it. I will be posting it on eBay here in the next day or so after I finish getting the info that I need to post it effectively. It has a lot of goodies in it so it should be able to go reasonably fast. I will add a picture of it with this entry as a remembrance.

Welcome back to the blog…

I Think I Know What You've Been Asking Me; I Think You Know What I've Been Trying To Say...

As promised, I must update my blog. Today is the third day after my return trip back to Boise with my children. I have been trying not to focus on how they are now not with me again to the point that I feel that is the reason for the delay in my writing. I picked them up last Friday, brought them back here and had a great couple of days with them. We spend the entire time together doing “family” stuff. We took them to an aquarium, the zoo, shopping, to visit my Aunt Lynn and Uncle Scott, church, games at the house, etc. There was not one awkward moment with either one of my daughters, they were comfortable here in my home and were disappointed and sad when it was time to leave. I can’t wait until these visits can be a normal, scheduled occurrence. I don’t know when that will be; Marla remains ambiguous with me about her plans that will have her in Boise indefinitely. I have said it before, but I will repeat myself; my children are amazing little people. I feel such overwhelming feelings of love for them. I am so taken by them and their personalities; they are happy, kind, cheerful kids with a desire for good things for all around them. I sure miss and love them.

Words aren’t really flowing from me today; I will just post some pictures from the weekend. Enjoy…

Say Goodbye To The Old Street That Never Cared Too Much For You Anyway...

Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Amie and I are traveling to Boise to pickup my children and bring them back here to Utah for the weekend. I am so utterly excited to see my children that sleep is a far cry this evening. I will update this blog later to report on what happened and how the weekend went. As for now, I leave this update with the following entry that I wrote last Saturday in the late hours of the night. I did not originally post it in an effort to let the ideas I had written down cultivate for a few days to show whether or not this entry deserved posting. I think that my feelings deserve to be posted. Here they are:

"Funny thing happened at about midnight tonight… I found the family blog that I referenced in my previous entry for my former in-laws. It’s kind of ironic to me that after having just written an ode to them and the way that I appreciated them that I found myself reading epithets about me that would make it hard to conjure up those same feelings I had just written about. In one post I am referred to as “the donor,” called a schmuck, indirectly mocked for my shaving habits, not having a skill with tools or woodworking and having more than one ski suit to wear. My taste for expensive things was also indirectly addressed as a downfall. In one of the comments Kevin (Marla’s new husband) says that I am afraid of him, knows I have seen his new Glock and that he would like any excuse to kick my “trash.” Her brother says it’s good that Kevin packs heat because then he “at least he can shoot Bryce.” Another thing that I learned is that Marla is already in Boise; something very upsetting to me considering how ambiguous she has been about when she would be arriving there after I have expressed a desire to see my children as soon as possible.

I write this sitting here numb. I never expected my former in-laws to throw a parade in my honor but I also never expected it to come to this. I can handle the abuse, but what is the most disturbing to me is the climate to which I am referenced around my children. It’s one thing to think things are a certain way, another to know they are. I don’t know how to handle all this…

A few days ago I called Marla to talk with her about some details surrounding the home we used to own together and a trip to Arizona with my kids. I described to her the details surrounding my father’s impending heart surgery and asked if I could arrange a time toward the beginning of May to come to Boise, pick up my girls and take them to Arizona to see my father at the time of his surgery. Her first reaction was one of disgust and awe that I would actually think that she would allow such a trip, and after I delicately reminded her of the visitation rights I have now that Catherine is over 18 months old her story evolved to “it would be too hard on Catherine, she doesn’t even know you.” I have struggled with feeling that she doesn’t want me to have a presence in the life of my children; I have even spoken to her about my feelings only to have her give me her reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. I have looked at her as a woman of a higher moral code but the harder I try to see her that way I keep having evidence to show otherwise. I struggle every day with the decisions that I made that have affected my children and just once I would want to hear from their mother that she has played a part in the events that have affected them since we split. I have yet to have Marla admit that she contributed to the demise of our marriage; and she bases her decisions in dealing with me off of the premise that it was me, 100% that caused our problems. Our inability to validate the others perspective has obviously callused our association with each other. We have gone rounds about her “need” to go to Oregon; and how that was the worst thing that could have happened for us and ultimately sealed our doom. She disagrees; says I forced her hand and God confirmed her decision. I have probed the deepest parts of my heart and soul to try to understand why leaving with my children to go 800 miles away would have been an option that the Lord would endorse and have only come up with one conclusion… Regardless, I feel somewhat hopeless for a civil, respectful relationship with her and her new husband.

My thoughts are very scattered and clouded as I write. As a form of defense I must state that I have used this blog as a means of sharing what goes on in my life and to show to my friends and family a side of me that isn’t visible. Contrary to what people may think, not being a member of the church is not a free license for sin and I have not used it as such. One of the things I have learned since “Black Sunday” is that excommunication doesn’t remove from you the need to keep the covenants you have made with the Lord; it removes the blessings for keeping those covenants. It is only through reproving worthiness and re-earning trust of the Lord are the blessings restored. I am doing all that is in my power to restore what can be restored; right as much as I can what has been wronged and be a better man than I have ever been. I have concluded that much of my actions and intentions will be misunderstood by individuals that may choose to look at my situation with discolored lenses. I vow to keep this journal honest; and part of that is refusing to pollute it as an outlet for my anger and hurt with similar degrading monikers towards those who see it fit to use me to ridicule. My memories will not change because of what I have read; but my candor is describing them in the future will be dimmed. It is very late and I am very tired… Hopefully this week I can see my kids…"

I was right, this week I will see my kids…

And Even I'm Getting Tired Of Useless Desires...

My blog calls again. It has been a number of weeks since I have posted an entry. I have written since then but the entries were so bleak that I didn’t feel the need to have them here for public display. I have felt uninspired lately and today those feelings have added upon themselves so that I feel somewhat lost. I have been happy, for the most part these past weeks and think that maybe the public nature of this blog has stunted my desire to share. I have felt things that are extremely personal lately and I am unsure what the effect would be if I verbalized them to the page and posted them. I will write them anyway.

My ex-wife is soon to be remarried. There are many good things to come about because of this; there is hope that she will move closer so that my children will be closer to me, she will no longer have to be alone which could only help in her personal quest for happiness, and a few other reasons not worth mentioning. I read an entry from a blog that one of her sisters keeps which referenced how funny her family is and quoted her fiancé and his reaction to their “uber-secret” family blog. After reading that I started to feel things that I didn’t think I still had inside; I felt jealous of that family relationship and incredibly sad that one of the effects of our divorce and separation was that I no longer had access to that. Even though I still harbor hurt feelings for the way that things transpired when Marla left I have many fun and lasting memories of a time when the world seemed smaller than it does now. This is probably magnified because the relationship that I have with my current in-laws is very different. My father and mother-in-law are not people to which a mutual draw is felt. Amie’s sisters provide her with a group of friends but each one of their spouses are so different that there is not a general sense of unity outside of the blood lines of their family. I miss feeling apart of an in-law family where there is much in common to draw people together.

This week I met with my bishop again. It was a good interview but I left it feeling more hopeless than when I arrived. I know that he didn’t intentionally wish to have it be that way but sometimes things just happen. As quickly as the decisions come that can take away your membership in the Lord’s church He sure makes you wade through miles of mud to get it back. My bishop told me that his father was in a similar situation when my bishop was a child and he is glad that he is a in the calling he is because it has changed the way he looks at people who fall. He told me that before he was called to be a bishop that he felt little tolerance or acceptance for people in my situation and encouraged me to be forgiving of others if that is the way I am received (Why do I go to this church again? Oh right.. It’s true…). The real purpose for his interview was to talk to me about things with Amie and her testimony. He expressed to me the concern that he has about me teaching her the gospel since I don’t have the capacity to teach with the Spirit and that if she and I don’t have the same goals spiritually that it will affect our relationship. He asked me if I would have any objection if he started meeting with her one-on-one to help her have access to things of the Spirit. I welcomed his invitation and hope that things grow with her and her relationship with Heavenly Father. She is a very kind woman; charitable and loving. I don’t know why there has been such difficulty for her in cultivating a stronger testimony of the gospel. Whatever the reason I am hopeful that one can develop. Like I told her, “I already know the sky is blue, I am just trying to get you to look up and see for yourself.” I hope for that brighter day…

Well, it seems the melancholy of the moment has passed… Thanks for sharing…