Tired Is A Special Kind Of Truth Potion...

I keep being haunted by incredible music lately. The most recent “encounter” has been with music from Ben Folds; hopefully whoever reads this is aware of his music. He has a song on his latest album called “Late” that he wrote for a musician aquaintance. Ben Folds had toured with Elliot Smith and related in an interview that I read about the experience he had wathcing and learning from him as they shared the stage. Elliot Smith killed himself not long ago and the song “Late” tells of the appreication Ben Folds has for him and the unfortunate circumstance of why it is now too late to share it.
I wrote in an entry a few months back about my father and his condition. It has been nice to have felt the rewards of making an effort to have a more active relationship with him. There are many other people in my life that I want to have the same chance with so that “too late” is never something that I have to deal with. That concept of “too late” is very scary, especially considering the state surrounding some of the most important people in my life, my children. I have missed them so much lately, and examining my feelings leads me to think that it’s not that I found this particular song to which I am referencing out of the blue, but that it was always there and the thoughts and intents of my heart found words to which attach themselves.
The funny thing (or sad, depending on your level of satire) is that the situation with my children is the one situation to which I feel the most muzzled. With the other relationships in my life it is basically simple to avoid “too late”; extend a hand in friendship, offer service, sincerley apologize if I have offended, show genuine love and concern with no thought of reciprocation; all things to which I am allowed to communicate my feelings and move toward reconcilliation. My kids are different. Their ages coupled with the distance (figuratively and literaly) that I have to them makes it seem that I am not allowed to have an open dialogue with them. It seems the only way to remove the muzzle is to actually be there with and for them. I go through periods where I emotionally feel close to tears because of small things that trigger the void in my life because of their distance. I have tried to cheat the system in a way by keeping this journal and by writing them periodically as I do (I have written letters that have not been sent that I will give to them at a later day that are much more direct and personal than this journal) but I would be a liar if I said anything other than the underlying motivating factor in writing in this blog is to give them a detailed glimpse into the life I have led. I want to account to them and show them through the telling of my life’s story that their father was a good person that loved them dearly.
It’s very late right now. I have been having trouble sleeping lately for a number different reasons so maybe this writing seems polluted by fatigue, maybe it doesn’t. I am hopefully that I can come to this journal at the next sitting with a cleared head and less of a heavy heart. Good night…

My Playlist...Enjoy...

Today has been a good day. I felt the Spirit at church, had a home teaching visit that was friendly and warm and watched some good football. After the game I was surfing iTunes and came up with an idea for this entry. One of the features of iTunes is a list of songs from individual celebrities with songs that they either really enjoy or that have meaning to them for one reason or another. I am not insinuating that I am a celebrity by any means or that my opinion about any of the songs that I will write about matters but I did feel that it would be a good window into the music that moves me and the manner to which I am moved. It’s a little long, but each song is a great song for one reason or another. Feel free to look them up on iTunes if you are unfamiliar with them (they are labeled song title, artist, album and my afterthoughts).
·Thin Line: Indigo Girls, 1200 Curfews. As you see from the list that ensues I love simple acoustic songs with great lyrics. This song starts off the list. “When I try to make it more, it was always less. There is a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else.”
·One: U2, Achtung Baby. I have a few (ok, a LOT) of songs on this list from U2. This is top 5 of their songs for sure. I love the imagery of the story, I love how versatile of a song it is in that any number of situations you can apply the lyrics and find personal connection. A song of reconciliation, despite difference. Great song…
·Still Fighting It: Ben Folds, Ben Folds Live. A story of a parent sympathizing with a child about the struggle of growing up in a harsh world and how all of us fight similar fights. As I have grown older and made different mistakes than those of my family I have noticed that a similar strand of emotion strings us all together as members of the human family. “Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, and everybody does…”
·Love’s Divine: Seal, Seal IV. “Then the rainstorm came over me and I felt my spirit break. I had lost all of my belief you see… and realized my mistake. But time threw a prayer to me and all around me became still. I need love, love’s divine. Please forgive me now that I’ve been blind. Give me love; love is what is need to know my name.” That is the first verse of that song. The song is more of a prayer than a song to me. It represents what life brought me August 22, 2004 and the journey since then.
·Change: Blind Melon, Blind Melon. Another great acoustic song by another fallen songwriter. The journey of the mental battle overcoming despair. Always easier to say than to do, especially when you are in the middle of it. Love this song…
·Come Away With Me: Norah Jones, Come Away With Me. A lovely and romantic song that both my wife and I enjoy. So soothing and comforting, similar to what a loving relationship should feel like. In the test of life people should get away more, even it is as small as sharing a moment while driving together…
·Mad World: Michael Andrews, Donnie Darko OST. Such a haunting, sorrowful song that pulls from the deepest of the emotional puddle. It tends to quite the noises around you when you listen to it. Very moving…
·Heavy Rotation: Dilated Peoples, Expansion Team. I ski a lot. When I ski I enjoy smooth flowing songs, hip hop, rock…motivating music. I love how this song helps me pick my lines more aggressively when I ski. It is such a smooth song.
·Backdrifts: Radiohead, Hail To the Thief. Speaking of skiing… I first listened to this song on a trip to Jackson Hole a few summers ago. I have still never skied there, but this song takes me on a mental trip and lets me. Maybe this winter, maybe not…
·Daughters: John Mayer, Heavier Things. I love my daughters. I really love them…really. “Fathers, be good to your daughters…daughter’s will love like you do.” I really love my daughters…and miss them too.
·Original of the Species: U2, How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. “I’ll give you everything you want, except the thing that you want. You are the first one of your kind…” Another versatile U2 song, it could be to a lover, a child, parent… to me? Yes…
·Alibi: David Gray, Life in Slow Motion. David Gray has an amazing ability to write songs that tell such beautiful stories. This one is no exception. “Where’d it all go wrong? Tonight I am running wild…”
·Cherish the Day: Sade, Love Deluxe. This song is song fluid, the bass line is tied so tightly to the drum line that you think they are they same. “I cherish the day, I won’t go astray, I won’t be afraid, you won’t catch me running, you’re ruling the way that I move. You take my air. You show me how deep love can be…” Wow, sensual songs excite a beautiful emotion…
·I’m So Happy I Can’t Stop Cryin’: Sting, Mercury Falling. First of all, this isn’t a country song. This is a sad song… I don’t like to dwell in sadness, but just as in a delicious and sweet recipe you need salt, there are many different ingredients in the recipe that makes up who we are and the opposites are worthy of acknowledging sometimes. This song is about a man who was left by his wife and she took the kids. The most remarkable part about this song is the way the music changes keys in such a subtle manner… This same manner is the way that people move on and love again in their lives, and how the freedom that comes allows you to actually love more the people that albeit hurt you, gave you experiences that gave you wisdom. I love the verse that says, “I took a walk alone last night, I looked up at the stars to try to find an answer in my life… I chose a star for me, I chose a star for him, I chose two stars for my kids and one star for my wife… it seemed to make me smile, something seemed to ease the pain, something about the universe and how it’s all connected…” Rings close to home…
·Destiny: Zero 7, Simple Things. I just barely found out about this band. Every time I would eat at a particular sushi restaurant I would always comment on the music that was played as we ate; so I looked it up. Mellow, fluid, very relaxing and quite melodic. If you like this song, I have a list of artists to check out.
·Black: Pearl Jam, Ten. Great band, great album, great song. Listen to it…
·An Honest Mistake: The Bravery. Recently there have been slough of bands that have come out that have this 80’s rock sound to them. Funny thing happened after I first heard this song, I listened to the album “Boy” by U2 and found that twenty years later that sound is coming back around. I welcome it. It was only because I have so many other U2 songs that I put this one here instead of "Stories for Boys."
·How to Be Righteous: Lori McKenna, The Kitchen Tapes. “Don't judge me, I will judge myself. I will lie in my bed at night wide awake or a sleep. I will feel pain when I know I have given it. Everything I put out to the world I know comes back to me. But when angels hear the devils' call and my visions unclear, I got no sense at all I'm just hoping I will obey my conscience. I want to learn how to be righteous.” This song is an anthem for the desires of my heart.
·There Goes My Life: Kenny Chesney, There Goes My Life. Country songs tell such great stories. No other genre of music has found such simplicity for telling rich and emotionally moving tales. This song is about a young man who in the first verse finds out that his girlfriend is with child. In the second verse he tells of how much he loves his young daughter and the feelings he feels as she tell him she loves him and goes off to bed. The final verse is about his emotions as she leaves home for the first time and how he’ll miss her. The chorus doesn’t change but the meaning of the worlds do as they apply to the verse. “There goes my life; there goes my future, my everything…” It reminds me of how much I really miss my girls…
·Bad: U2, The Unforgettable Fire. Last but not least, this is my favorite U2 song from their entire catalog. I see this as a song of redemption and willingness to accept the plight of another to save them from themselves. A very spiritually moving song for me; there have been times I wish to make the consequences of my mistakes go away… The delivery of this song is always incredible. I have see this song played live and I felt it, really felt it. Some times to overcome we must surrender ourselves. "I'm wide awake, I'm not sleeping..."

So there it is…my “celebrity” (LOL) play list. There are many more songs that are apart of the framework of my music architecture but this list will suffice for now. Music is a huge part of my life; I love the release that comes from listening to someone else’s take on life and applying it my own. Unfortunately, I do not have the gift of songwriting so I appreciate it immensely when others share theirs. If I am ever able to aquire that gift, I’ll share it here.

We're One, But We're Not The Same...

My U2 kick has continued since the concert. A friend of mine has a program on his computer that allows him to take the audio track from any DVD and make it an .mp3 format. A few weeks ago I bought the DVD of the U2 concert that took place in Chicago, IL of this last year and recently gave the DVD to my friend to make into an audio CD. I am actually listening to that music as I write this. One of the more memorable parts of the concert was before the song “One” in which Bono reminds the crowd of the responsibility this generation has to fuse the disconnect between the mighty resources some members of the world community have to fill the need of others. Issues such as hunger, poverty, aids, need for medicine, oppression… all important struggles in the fight good has over evil. Bono plead for us to take action with our voice and join the ONE campaign.
I have never been one to get involved in anything political. I remember having a conversation with a friend years ago about how I had never really felt any conviction strong enough that would lead me to take drastic action. I remember the first time I ever felt a conviction strong enough to drive my will to take action. Those emotions were new to me and yet I felt a part of something that needed my effort. As I grow older I see more of the issues that people face on a personal level and how those small struggles make up the tapestry of what the world in its entirety faces. So many people, myself included, sometimes have the attitude that their actions won’t hurt anyone; that the life that we live is only ours. This is simply not true.
Recently I was exiting the freeway near my home. I was about ten cars back and was waiting for the lights to change so that traffic would resume in the direction I was heading. The light turned green, traffic proceeded and it seemed that the flow was as it should be. A car ahead of me didn’t realize that the light had turned so he sat there until the light turned yellow and then hurried through the intersection leaving me as the first in line. Time passed, the light turned green again and I proceed to the next turn that I needed to make. At that next turn I approached a car accident that had just happened; the people involved hadn’t even left their cars yet. The car that was in front of me had tried to make a turn without enough time and subsequently became involved in this crash. It didn’t look serious, I am certain that none were physically hurt but this instance illustrated to my mind the dilemma to which I am referring. Both your good decisions and your bad decisions affect everyone around you. There is no escaping that what we do in our personal lives has its presence in the world around us. I have realized this too late for some of the mistakes in my life but just in time for others. Learning this I have grieved over my own personal indiscretions that I know have changed the lives of my children. I know that because of my actions I have placed others in a position to choose to judge me and therefore put them in an unfavorable position to reconcile that judgment or be condemned themselves to judgment. There is always away to be made whole when errors occur, but effects of those errors are a longer time fixing. I know plainly that my actions are not my own, but that I have a duty to my God and the community to which I live to be better than I am.
I am not one to endorse any sort of political agenda. I am one to endorse personal improvement through application of truth in your life. Check out www.one.org site. Read about it. Realize that your money isn’t near as important as your voice. As shown in countless places, we can be one, yet not the same…and work toward a great cause.

Six Names Later, We Decided On Pheobe...

Another postponed blog entry…I guess my own journal efforts wouldn’t be complete without some sort of documented lamentation that I should write more. I will save us all from any more of that. So… we got a dog. My wife and I started our marriage with three animals: two cats and a min-pinscher. It was quite the adjustment for me. I have never been an “indoor animals” person and it was really tough for me to get used to the overall lack of respect that indoor animals have for personal space. The dog we had was named “Zeus” and was too smart as a family dog. He was so needy that he had emotional issues, separation anxiety… he needed too much attention for what we had time to give. He is no longer with us. Of the two cats, the one that we got rid of was going crazy. She was named “the white cat” (stop laughing) and was clawing out her back fur so we took her to the pound. We still have “Percy” which is quite an entertaining animal, yet very skittish and is a true scared cat. She isn’t a bother, she runs away anytime I get near her.
My wife LOVES animals. She has told me that she would run an animal shelter if she could. This new puppy seems to have won me over but I am the first to say that she is the exception, not the rule. Something about animals is hard for me to handle. They are cute and cuddly but I am just not hip to their smells. We have named our dog Phoebe, and she is a cocker spaniel, black with the typical cocker brown markings. At first she smelled like the store we bought her from, but after Amie gave her a bath she stopped being smelly. I am a tough shell to crack, but I have to say, she is ADORABLE.
I can’t wait to have Jane and Catherine see her. I heard stories of when Jane was first in Oregon after she moved that she was an animal stalker. She was so intrigued by cats that she would follow them around, and then crouch down with her head in between her legs, looking forward to spy on them. Very cute. I am hopeful that I can bring her here on the spring break holiday time, right around Easter and she can take right to Phoebe.
Today was Sunday, but today was a much more gratifying Sabbath. The lesson in Elder’s Quorum was good and the Spirit was felt. Amie had some funny stories to tell about Relief Society after we came home. The dog only peed on the floor a few times so far today. Without going into the details of it, last night I had a very scary dream. Being that it is fast Sunday I must once again add my testimony that God is real, the Savior died for us and that Joseph Smith is a true prophet. These are all things that I know. See you next entry.