Cheer Up Mopey Pants...

Sunday… Blog day… So I write. The morning after my last blog entry I had left the house to go the gym and upon my return found my wife sitting at my computer with my blog pulled up. I sat down to her and asked her how she was, she was still feeling sick so I don’t know whether to attribute the emotions of the hour to that or that something in her finally broke down. A conversation ensued about things between us, our lives together, our goals. She told me that judging alone on the title of my last entry that she knew that it was going to be a difficult entry to read because I exclusively use this as a means of telling of my sadness and how much I miss my kids. In tears she gave me a tender embrace and told me that we need to fix things so that I can be happy and reminded me that despite what I may feel about myself that happiness is something that I deserve… I really love that woman.

She touched on a good point though. I have tried to make my entries as true to life as possible so that history is documented of my life. I don’t care so much about each nit picky detail, but the feelings that surround them. Also, I never wanted to be guilty of glossing over what my life is really about. The past years of my life have altered me, and to quote a recent movie that I saw, I wanted to “soak in the beautiful melancholy of what’s happened to [me].” I needs be told that the the person that I really am deep inside of me isn’t a man who is overcome with despair. Those who have known me well would say that I am witty and quick to try to make you laugh. I am easy to be around. I love serving others. I enjoy the company of those I love. To this point this blog has failed in relaying that side of me.

Life goes on. Our eventual move draws closer. We have started the process of going through all of our junk and getting rid of what we don’t need. We sold the big screen HDTV that was in our bedroom to the bishop. I joked with my friend Grant today that the claimed absence of our bishop today wasn’t because he had a baby blessing to go to, but he couldn’t draw himself away from the TV. HD will get ‘cha… While moving the TV yesterday his neighbor bought my trampoline off of me. I am hoping the trend continues and I sell a lot of junk so that it means less to move. We will see…

I will write more soon…

I've Had Some Time To Thing About You On The Long Ride Home...

I haven’t written for a while. Life is cluttered at best and it is difficult to make the time to gather my thoughts in this manner. I am okay with that, I have found in writing a new confidence about my ability to gather the seeds of my thoughts and plant them with the words that connect on the page. Tonight, the words will mean one thing and in days and years to come they will grow into something entirely different. That confidence removes my guilt about the frequency of my writing knowing that whenever I do write it will be something meaningful. Sometimes the recounting of things doesn’t tell the story. It’s not what’s written, but what isn’t. Ambiguity is what allows my experiences on the page to be able to connect with yours, the reader. The similarities are the framework, and the spaces that I leave are filled in with the reality of your experiences. It is quite beautiful if you really think about it, it draws us together.

I consider myself a very emotional man. I am not afraid of tears; sometimes I welcome the release that comes from a good cry. I do not know the reason, but recently I have become quite hardened. I feel that I have inside of me a lot of emotional tension that tears would release. Recently the only things that bring my emotions close to the surface are things related to children. Songs, colors, smells… As I think about it I guess I feel not so much that it is childish things I connect with but what they represent: Life in its most simple form. As my life has grown more and more complex I yearn for the return of that simplicity. I more appreciate the commandment to be like the children and to make life simpler. God is always easy to feel close when we aren’t so distracted.

My wife has been very ill lately. She was diagnosed with a bronchial infection and it has caused her to be very weak, uncomfortable and lethargic. The medicine that she has been taking hasn’t been working but I hope that she can return to full health soon and that this burden can be removed from her. Last night in Dorian’s prayer he asked Heavenly Father that his mother get better. It was very sweet especially considering it was the first time I can recall him deviating from his set prayer he says whenever he prays. When we were in Boise one of the nights Jane wanted to pray for us at bed time. Come to think of it, that was the last time I wept was after she thanked Heavenly Father for her Daddy, Amie, Catherine and Dorian. From her perspective life is simple. She is surrounded by people that love her and she thanks Heavenly Father for it. In my perspective life sometimes seems so sad being apart from my children. I guess that the simpler perspective more easily yields an answered prayer. I am seeking answered prayers to have me feel healthy and whole again. Today as I was in my office I stopped for a moment to pour out my heart in the quiet of that setting. I know He heard me. I just hope that I can recognize His answers…

I will return soon to writing here. My hands have become heavy as I write so I retire. (I love you Jane and Catherine… Good night…)

1st 540 Ever...A 720 Is Right Around The Corner...Literally

First things first… there is a lack of continuity between my last two entries. I reference a trip to Boise as “aforementioned” when in the reading of the entries there is no trip mentioned. I had an entry posted that I have since removed that was very unfavorable towards certain parties to which I deal with on a regular basis. I decided that although that part of my life and its struggles are real that I need not pollute the past with its story as the future reads from this journal.
This past weekend was the Boise trip. Saturday we arrived in Boise, got our room and them I went and picked up both my daughters from their mother. We then went shopping from some necessities, went to eat and then spent the remainder of the evening at the hotel room. It was so great to be around my kids… they have a sweetness about them that is contagious. I love the man that I am when I am around them, I seem less quick to anger and feel love abundantly. The next day we went shopping, got a family picture taken (above) and then in the evening I had to meet up with their mother to return my youngest. I was disappointed that I didn’t have more time with her, but her mother has clung with an iron grip to the state child visitation schedule and felt generous in even letting me have her the night before (at her age, the non-custodial parent is only allowed 8 hour spans with the children). So, I was grateful to have the time that I did… Again, great time was had by all.

That evening we took Jane to see the new Curious George movie. Now for the purpose of my associations with her that movie and its music is a trigger to my time this past weekend. The playful, innocent nature of that little monkey is reminiscent of the personalities of my children. Catherine seemed to be into everything, always smiling and quick to laugh. She took to Amie very easily and I felt a hope for the future. Marla was there in Boise with her new beau and I felt better about things as Jane said that he was nice. I know that they are easy kids to love so I hope that whatever happens with him and Marla that the girls are loved. My only concern is that there might be pressure from Marla for him to try to be more than a step-father to them because of the person she feels that I am. I am hopeful that the disconnect between the real me and the one in Marla’s head is bridged soon so that she can allow the natural evolution to happen between my girls, their step-dad and me… After this weekend my resolve to be as close to them as possible was strengthened. When we dropped Jane off on Monday night she was very emotional, crying that she wanted to go to Utah with us and didn’t want to go back with mom. It broke my heart… I want so bad to have her live with us. I have felt in quiet moments that she would someday, but want her hurt to be as little as possible all things considered.

Last night my wife and I met with the Bishop. He wanted us to report on how things are going and talk to us about our eventual move. He discussed with me about my situation and his intentions to speak with the Stake President. He expressed to me the urgency he feels considering his personal involvement with me and how things would take longer if we leave the ward with the situation unresolved. I don’t know how I feel about everything. I have a testimony of the inspired nature of callings and feel that same testimony for President Smith. I am concerned with the distance that he has shown since this has all of this has happened. Why has there been no involvement from the Stake throughout all of this? Bishop said he was going to recommend that something happen before we move, but I do not feel much hope that it will. The lack of involvement from the Stake brings back so many hurt feelings from when everything initially happened; Marla told President Smith a story of a man that I used to play softball with that had been through a similar ordeal that had no feelings of remorse and was better off in his new relationship. I have never felt such a disregard of things that way, but President Smith referred to it as his perspective in the one interview I had with him post “Black Sunday.” There has been an overall tone with the leaders I have dealt with that under all circumstances I should have made things work with my ex-wife. It bothers me that it is overlooked that there might have been actual real problems both of us were responsible for instead of only dwelling on my improprieties. Anyhow, I just hope that whatever happens the truth about my efforts is represented and my testimony of men called of God to lead the church locally is strengthened.

I skied yesterday…it was a breakthrough day for I landed my first 540. It is a jump and rotation in which one and a half turns are spun, landing backwards on my skis… It was very gratifying to finally stick a 540…even at 30 years old…

Idaho Awaits...

Last entry was almost a week ago… I don’t want that tone to persist too long in my writing here. I am more angry than I have ever been in my life but for the most part I don’t consider that to be a part of who I am, more of a consequence of who I might become if I let it. Regardless, new day, new attitude.
I am making the aforementioned trip to Boise this weekend. My wife will be going with me as will my stepson. I am excited to have them finally meet my children and start the journey of having a mutually respective step-family relationship (say that 5x fast!). I have written about the time Jane and Dorian have spent together and hope that this time is friendlier and less territorial considering it is a neutral location. We have decided to rent a suite with a kitchen and extra space so that the five of us will be comfortable and have our own space, somewhat. I will be sure to report on how it goes.
This past Sunday was very difficult for me. I woke up with no desire at all to go to church and felt like I never wanted to return to my ward again. I started to really question the reason I have even tried to be a part of that ward considering the very limited acceptance that I feel from the members there (for those who have shown me support, thanks be to all 3 of you). My hurt and resentment even stretches to the Stake President and how I don’t feel any concern or care for my spiritual wellbeing, seeing as in the past 18 months since “Black Sunday” that I have met once with him, an interview to which I sought out. The Bishop is a caring and loving man and one of the three referenced above, but even he has other things to worry about then helping me to fight a battle to which he isn’t fully aware. Anyway for a couple of more reasons not stated, my spiritual tank was/is very low. I haven’t seen many signs that I will ever be able to be successful at being a father to my kids and even less signs that I will ever be a good step dad…it breaks my heart in the most real way to admit it. I wish I could discern between truth and error; I haven’t been able to lately.
We have been doing home improvements to the house where Amie lived before we were married so that we can move into it by March 1, 2006. Once I move and start over there in a new ward with new surroundings it seems that the connection that this house bridged from a me that was a worthy, priesthood holding father to who I am now will be gone. My old life will be only a memory and the grasp that I have to that world will be through new staggered memories made with my children and a partial restoration of what I have lost. I am starting to understand that the time frame for those blessings to come back to me is longer then I ever imagined. I wonder how many other people in their lives don’t fully understand the magnitude of their blessings and how long it would take to get them back if they were to stumble. How foolish we can be.
To wrap this entry up, the Super Bowl was a MESS… So much hoopla in the media about how horrible the officiating was and how the Steelers didn’t deserve to win it. Anyway, next year will be the Falcons…LOL…Next time…