Idaho Awaits...

Last entry was almost a week ago… I don’t want that tone to persist too long in my writing here. I am more angry than I have ever been in my life but for the most part I don’t consider that to be a part of who I am, more of a consequence of who I might become if I let it. Regardless, new day, new attitude.
I am making the aforementioned trip to Boise this weekend. My wife will be going with me as will my stepson. I am excited to have them finally meet my children and start the journey of having a mutually respective step-family relationship (say that 5x fast!). I have written about the time Jane and Dorian have spent together and hope that this time is friendlier and less territorial considering it is a neutral location. We have decided to rent a suite with a kitchen and extra space so that the five of us will be comfortable and have our own space, somewhat. I will be sure to report on how it goes.
This past Sunday was very difficult for me. I woke up with no desire at all to go to church and felt like I never wanted to return to my ward again. I started to really question the reason I have even tried to be a part of that ward considering the very limited acceptance that I feel from the members there (for those who have shown me support, thanks be to all 3 of you). My hurt and resentment even stretches to the Stake President and how I don’t feel any concern or care for my spiritual wellbeing, seeing as in the past 18 months since “Black Sunday” that I have met once with him, an interview to which I sought out. The Bishop is a caring and loving man and one of the three referenced above, but even he has other things to worry about then helping me to fight a battle to which he isn’t fully aware. Anyway for a couple of more reasons not stated, my spiritual tank was/is very low. I haven’t seen many signs that I will ever be able to be successful at being a father to my kids and even less signs that I will ever be a good step dad…it breaks my heart in the most real way to admit it. I wish I could discern between truth and error; I haven’t been able to lately.
We have been doing home improvements to the house where Amie lived before we were married so that we can move into it by March 1, 2006. Once I move and start over there in a new ward with new surroundings it seems that the connection that this house bridged from a me that was a worthy, priesthood holding father to who I am now will be gone. My old life will be only a memory and the grasp that I have to that world will be through new staggered memories made with my children and a partial restoration of what I have lost. I am starting to understand that the time frame for those blessings to come back to me is longer then I ever imagined. I wonder how many other people in their lives don’t fully understand the magnitude of their blessings and how long it would take to get them back if they were to stumble. How foolish we can be.
To wrap this entry up, the Super Bowl was a MESS… So much hoopla in the media about how horrible the officiating was and how the Steelers didn’t deserve to win it. Anyway, next year will be the Falcons…LOL…Next time…