I haven’t written for a while. Life is cluttered at best and it is difficult to make the time to gather my thoughts in this manner. I am okay with that, I have found in writing a new confidence about my ability to gather the seeds of my thoughts and plant them with the words that connect on the page. Tonight, the words will mean one thing and in days and years to come they will grow into something entirely different. That confidence removes my guilt about the frequency of my writing knowing that whenever I do write it will be something meaningful. Sometimes the recounting of things doesn’t tell the story. It’s not what’s written, but what isn’t. Ambiguity is what allows my experiences on the page to be able to connect with yours, the reader. The similarities are the framework, and the spaces that I leave are filled in with the reality of your experiences. It is quite beautiful if you really think about it, it draws us together.
I consider myself a very emotional man. I am not afraid of tears; sometimes I welcome the release that comes from a good cry. I do not know the reason, but recently I have become quite hardened. I feel that I have inside of me a lot of emotional tension that tears would release. Recently the only things that bring my emotions close to the surface are things related to children. Songs, colors, smells… As I think about it I guess I feel not so much that it is childish things I connect with but what they represent: Life in its most simple form. As my life has grown more and more complex I yearn for the return of that simplicity. I more appreciate the commandment to be like the children and to make life simpler. God is always easy to feel close when we aren’t so distracted.
My wife has been very ill lately. She was diagnosed with a bronchial infection and it has caused her to be very weak, uncomfortable and lethargic. The medicine that she has been taking hasn’t been working but I hope that she can return to full health soon and that this burden can be removed from her. Last night in Dorian’s prayer he asked Heavenly Father that his mother get better. It was very sweet especially considering it was the first time I can recall him deviating from his set prayer he says whenever he prays. When we were in Boise one of the nights Jane wanted to pray for us at bed time. Come to think of it, that was the last time I wept was after she thanked Heavenly Father for her Daddy, Amie, Catherine and Dorian. From her perspective life is simple. She is surrounded by people that love her and she thanks Heavenly Father for it. In my perspective life sometimes seems so sad being apart from my children. I guess that the simpler perspective more easily yields an answered prayer. I am seeking answered prayers to have me feel healthy and whole again. Today as I was in my office I stopped for a moment to pour out my heart in the quiet of that setting. I know He heard me. I just hope that I can recognize His answers…
I will return soon to writing here. My hands have become heavy as I write so I retire. (I love you Jane and Catherine… Good night…)
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