I am feeling compelled to write today. It falls outside of the norm of when I write but something is drawing me to the page. Yesterday was a great day and today has brought some feelings to my heart that I would like to express.
Yesterday I went skiing with my cousin, Jake. Jake and I have always been friends; ever since the time when I first moved to Utah I had always felt a certain kinship with him. We went to Powder Mountain; a resort that is up in Ogden Canyon and is about an hour’s drive away. There were very few people there and the snow and weather were gorgeous; adding to an already great day because of the company. He is six years younger than I am yet we share almost all of the same interests; we appreciate the same thrills for recreation, I guess I would say. We have worked together on two different occasions; the first at Deer Valley as a mountain bike instructor and second as a rental technician when I managed the rental shop at Snowbird. I think that is where we really started to build a friendship that extends further than the blood lines that tie us together.
One of the reasons I reference Jake is that I have really appreciated his influence in my life lately. We spoke briefly yesterday about the dynamic that has evolved in the extended family that I have here in Utah since the breakup of my marriage a few years ago. At one time I was on very familiar relations with all of my aunts, uncles and cousins that live here locally. Things have changed since then, and even the close relationship that I had with his parents has changed significantly. I thanked him for the constant love that I have felt from him and his wife despite a very easy road they could have chosen to remove me from their daily lives. There were many things that I didn’t say to Jake yesterday about how real my appreciation is for him and what his acceptance means to me. Someday he might have the chance to read this, and I hope that however his life has transpired that he would know of my great love for him.
Today a thought crossed my mind. What if I knew when I would leave this earth and how would that change my behavior today…how would I be? In thinking that way I briefly examined the relationships that I have in my life and felt an instilled desire to express my love to those who I care for. The first people that came to my mind were my children, then my family, relatives, friends… I would leave this world a sad man if the intents of my heart weren’t made known to those whom have affected me in an uplifting way.
I watched a movie recently about a man who was dying who went to a certain type of doctor for help in prolonging his life. The doctor upon examining him told him that he had a lot of anger inside and it was a poison to his body. He needed to forgive those who had offended him. He said, “the last second of your life is the most important. The seed for your next life is all that exists in that one last second. All the hurt and anger will follow you. Up until that last second it’s not too late to change what you bring with you and forgive.” Not all of that statement is true, as far as God sees things, but it does lend itself to probing thought. I carry with me a lot of anger, and a lot of hurt. I know that I have hurt people and destroyed some very sacred agreements yet I still feel that it is me who needs to forgive in my heart. I think about some of the things that have happened to me and do not feel that the punishment fits the crime. Maybe that is the proof I need to know that I do not truly understand to what magnitude I fell, but I have crossed the bridge knowing the manner to which I handled things was truly and ultimately wrong. Regardless, I take from this a sense of who really loves me and cares about me and an urgency to get past these feelings. Twisting my statement above, I would leave this world a sad man if the intents of my heart were made known to those whom have affected me. I believe that these feelings can be fleeting and I can move on.
In concluding this entry today I do not offer any resolution. I only make the step of recognizing these feelings as real. I remind myself that I am surrounded by people who do care for me and my welfare. I remind myself that time heals a number of wounds and that my children will have a chance to be around me in their lives. I remind myself that God loves me, and I am a good man. The atonement is real for everyone, especially me.
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