I Bid Adieu, Good Freinds...

It’s official. We have finally moved. Last week, in a whirlwind, we decided that the time had come and that we needed to leave. We finished the painting we had to do and within three days were packed, moved and sleeping back here at our town home, the location to which I am writing this entry. It has only been recently that the storm has begun to die down and I have started to feel a chapter of my life close. I have written of how reluctant I was to let go of that home and all that it represented to me and my life. I still don’t think that I am ready to let go, I most likely will find myself driving by in lonely moments reminiscing about a time of my life when things weren’t so complicated. I have had so much of my life transpire there; My faith was tested and proven, I brought two children home from the hospital, it was the first home that I had ever purchased and yet lost it all in the same small space of square footage. I know that it is not the Lord’s way to dwell on the past, but I have learned that the pain associated with longing is a vital step in the journey back to our Heavenly Father. I would like to leave a quote from a book that I am reading that struck me as profound.

“The most anguishing kind of pain often comes self-inflicted, by way of major transgression of the Lord’s commandments. It is a pain felt when we recognize the gulf that exists between what the Lord has commanded us to do and what we are actually doing. This kind of heavy-duty pain- weighing upon our spirits like lead, piercing us to the soul with self-doubt and self-loathing- is there not just to make is feel remorseful about what we have done. It also serves an important function in the process of repentance.” Pain Is Inevitable Misery Is Optional; Hyrum W. Smith; p.48.

I think it appropriate to individually address my appreciation for some of the people that affected me whilst I lived in that home. I have found that in my desire to be a better man that one important trait I would like to exude is one of gratitude. I feel the need to express my gratitude to certain people. Here goes…

Grant Eggertsen: One thing that I have learned from Grant is that Mormon’s do not have a monopoly on God’s love. I have never felt anything but genuine love and concern from him throughout the time that we have been friends. I remember “coming clean” in my office to him about the darkness of my situation and having nothing change in his behavior towards me. His spouse openly accepted my wife, and befriended her without any sign of judgment. This past Sunday he came to me as a worthy priesthood holder and dedicate my home as a refuge from the world and a place where to gospel could be taught freely. I love that man. In jest, he claims that he doesn’t really care much about people, but I have a different perspective. He is charitable and kind. I hope he knows of my appreciation for him.

Tim Brooks: Tim and I have traveled quite a road as friends. We have disagreed bitterly about things, and shared similar interests and personality traits that have fueled a likely friendship. He was my home teacher for as long as I can remember and I look to him and his friendship in a similar way that I do the home I lived in; he has been there throughout the valleys and the peaks of my life the past few years and along the way I have never felt judgment from him. I hope that our friendship will continue throughout our lives updating each other of the wonderful milestones that will occur along the way. I pray for him in his struggles to feel the worth that he has as a son of God; and hope that he can learn to pray to see things as God does. He will then see what a great man he is and how his influence spans farther than he could ever imagine. Often times as I watch him with his two daughters I feel a twinge of jealousy, for I see in him a father’s love that is abundant and encompassing. He expresses freely his love for his children, a privilege that I wish we shared.

Bishop Nipko: My most memorable “snapshot” of Bishop Nipko happened August 22, 2004. In the events that transpired that day, he came with me as my advocate. After we adjourned I was very emotional and feeling alone. With tears in his eyes he embraced me and reminded me that what had just happened was not a punishment, but a sign that God loved me and needed me to learn His way more fully. Since that time he has served diligently as my leader giving council and love when I needed it. He listened to my heartache and concerns, and sympathized with me. He was without guile. He represented the Savior well as my Bishop. I hope that his life continues to be blessed in the way that it has and that others can get to know him and appreciate who he is.

There are more things I could write about each one of those men, but I choose to leave my words as they are. I feel excitement for the future and what the Lord has in store. As I write I feel a portion of my shame fall away and become hope. To quote Edward R. Murrow, “Good night, and good luck.”