The entry preceding this one was actually written on Friday morning, two days ago. I posted it today because it was one of the times where I had felt so unsettled in what I had written that before I posted it I let it marinate for a few days. I then went back and read what I wrote, changed it and then found it to be blog worthy.
I have been thinking this week about a number of different things. Today in sacrament meeting a former gospel doctrine teacher in our ward spoke about the principle and doctrine of perfection. In the scriptures we are commanded to be perfect, and it is only in understanding what that means are we able to accomplish that invitation. Today as I have thought about the details of my life and how the future may unfold I have felt a need to understand how to be perfect. I do not believe that it is merely the realizing of a checklist of commandments to which the Savior references. Brigham Young spoke of how “the Father is only as perfect as He has capacity to be, and that [Brigham Young] is only as perfect as [he] has capacity to be.” I understand this to mean that whatever knowledge and understanding we possess currently we are held to and that is the bar to which we are judged. This in no way removes the responsibility to obey the Lord’s commandments, for even if we are not aware of them we still have a need to follow them. What is does mean is that we must, at all times, act in the way that we should act. It changes everyday because of our decisions; being perfect today will directly affect my ability and choice to be perfect tomorrow. I have struggled being in the state that I am not having some of the same opportunities I as once had to try to be more that I can be. I received a bit of hope knowing that there is a reason that our lives are as long as they are. There are so many chances to change the course of action our lives take and move toward a better way. I don’t know if that made any sense, but having heard what I did today has motivated me to be better; a sure sign that it is a true principle in that it has changed my behavior.
One of the other challenges that I have been facing is maintaining a spiritual atmosphere in my home, especially on Sundays. The combination of the way I used to handle Sundays and the way my wife used to has sort of blended into a Sabbath where at the end I long for more peace. I am not insinuating that it is because of her in the least, but I do feel that my own commitment to keeping the Sabbath must be more perfect. I feel the Spirit as I keep the commandment to write in this journal and speak of things of the Lord so I know that it is a matter of decision to make it happen. I feel a lot of pressure (whether it is warranted or not, I don’t know yet) to try and undo 3.5 years of spiritual indifference in the life of my stepson so that he can have a testimony early on but lately have felt like I am not in control of that anymore. I don’t know if I have written about this or not, but Dorian’s father has moved back into town and has started taking him for a majority of the weekends. He spends Sundays watching cartoons, shopping and playing with his dad. I know that out of all the people that are close to Dorian I am one of the few people that has an interest in his spiritual well-being to the point of action, so I feel torn and once again hand-cuffed in that relationship/responsibility. Things have gotten better with me and him so I will never give up hope that what’s right can happen. Maybe this is one of the times where I cannot be more perfect than I am; meaning that as long as I make things of the Spirit a priority in our home what’s best will happen.
Following the perfection theme, I have been struggling with the relationship I have with one of my friends. I have written specifically in entry’s past about Doug and what a great friend he has been and how grateful I am for him. I do not retract those feelings, matter of fact I add that I miss those times when I felt that way. Doug is a great person. He is very charismatic, has a very tender heart and has a true desire to act as the Spirit would have him. Doug and I have shared many experiences that have reminded me of the love of the Savior for me by blessing me with good friends. Since he has moved out things have been strained at best; I have been reminded that he is selfish, arrogant and an opportunist in its’ purest form. I sometimes lament that I allowed him to live here with me under terms that I did, he was able to be blessed by my family and home with little return given on his part. Sometimes I wonder if the way I handled things then permanently changed something in both of us. I guess I expected more in return for what had been given, and I tempted a rooted flaw in Doug to take advantage of another’s graces. Since he has moved out we hardly speak; when he was here he was never more than 5 feet away from him phone and now I can’t get a call or text message answered, even in the hours which he is away from work. Things have culminated this past week as I was disgusted watching him unabashedly benefit himself over me by manipulating a situation to which I was the reason he was even in the place he was. He has always stated that he is just the way he is and that his friends have always looked past his flaws, but I am at the point where a reconciliation needs to be made or I need to just take a few months off from being around him. He has a brother named Mike that I was friends with before I even met Doug who is in town this weekend; I am torn in wanting to see Mike yet having to face this issue or pretend it doesn’t exist for the time being. I am sure that this is just a fleeting issue between two friends, but for now it is real. I am hopeful that once again what’s right is what happens.
A blog entry wouldn’t be complete without relaying to my beautiful daughters how much I love and miss them. I have started to see a light at the end of the tunnel and have been praying that I could have them closer to me. Catherine had a surgery since the last time I had written and had her birthmark removed from her face. I am grateful that it went smooth and that she was able to have it removed before she knew what it was. Kids can be so cruel. Anyway, I have made some difficult decisions that will hopefully bring them closer, an end that would be so wonderful for everyone involved. Janie Bear and Baby C, I LOVE YOU….
Anyway…life goes on.
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