Say Goodbye To The Old Street That Never Cared Too Much For You Anyway...

Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Amie and I are traveling to Boise to pickup my children and bring them back here to Utah for the weekend. I am so utterly excited to see my children that sleep is a far cry this evening. I will update this blog later to report on what happened and how the weekend went. As for now, I leave this update with the following entry that I wrote last Saturday in the late hours of the night. I did not originally post it in an effort to let the ideas I had written down cultivate for a few days to show whether or not this entry deserved posting. I think that my feelings deserve to be posted. Here they are:

"Funny thing happened at about midnight tonight… I found the family blog that I referenced in my previous entry for my former in-laws. It’s kind of ironic to me that after having just written an ode to them and the way that I appreciated them that I found myself reading epithets about me that would make it hard to conjure up those same feelings I had just written about. In one post I am referred to as “the donor,” called a schmuck, indirectly mocked for my shaving habits, not having a skill with tools or woodworking and having more than one ski suit to wear. My taste for expensive things was also indirectly addressed as a downfall. In one of the comments Kevin (Marla’s new husband) says that I am afraid of him, knows I have seen his new Glock and that he would like any excuse to kick my “trash.” Her brother says it’s good that Kevin packs heat because then he “at least he can shoot Bryce.” Another thing that I learned is that Marla is already in Boise; something very upsetting to me considering how ambiguous she has been about when she would be arriving there after I have expressed a desire to see my children as soon as possible.

I write this sitting here numb. I never expected my former in-laws to throw a parade in my honor but I also never expected it to come to this. I can handle the abuse, but what is the most disturbing to me is the climate to which I am referenced around my children. It’s one thing to think things are a certain way, another to know they are. I don’t know how to handle all this…

A few days ago I called Marla to talk with her about some details surrounding the home we used to own together and a trip to Arizona with my kids. I described to her the details surrounding my father’s impending heart surgery and asked if I could arrange a time toward the beginning of May to come to Boise, pick up my girls and take them to Arizona to see my father at the time of his surgery. Her first reaction was one of disgust and awe that I would actually think that she would allow such a trip, and after I delicately reminded her of the visitation rights I have now that Catherine is over 18 months old her story evolved to “it would be too hard on Catherine, she doesn’t even know you.” I have struggled with feeling that she doesn’t want me to have a presence in the life of my children; I have even spoken to her about my feelings only to have her give me her reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. I have looked at her as a woman of a higher moral code but the harder I try to see her that way I keep having evidence to show otherwise. I struggle every day with the decisions that I made that have affected my children and just once I would want to hear from their mother that she has played a part in the events that have affected them since we split. I have yet to have Marla admit that she contributed to the demise of our marriage; and she bases her decisions in dealing with me off of the premise that it was me, 100% that caused our problems. Our inability to validate the others perspective has obviously callused our association with each other. We have gone rounds about her “need” to go to Oregon; and how that was the worst thing that could have happened for us and ultimately sealed our doom. She disagrees; says I forced her hand and God confirmed her decision. I have probed the deepest parts of my heart and soul to try to understand why leaving with my children to go 800 miles away would have been an option that the Lord would endorse and have only come up with one conclusion… Regardless, I feel somewhat hopeless for a civil, respectful relationship with her and her new husband.

My thoughts are very scattered and clouded as I write. As a form of defense I must state that I have used this blog as a means of sharing what goes on in my life and to show to my friends and family a side of me that isn’t visible. Contrary to what people may think, not being a member of the church is not a free license for sin and I have not used it as such. One of the things I have learned since “Black Sunday” is that excommunication doesn’t remove from you the need to keep the covenants you have made with the Lord; it removes the blessings for keeping those covenants. It is only through reproving worthiness and re-earning trust of the Lord are the blessings restored. I am doing all that is in my power to restore what can be restored; right as much as I can what has been wronged and be a better man than I have ever been. I have concluded that much of my actions and intentions will be misunderstood by individuals that may choose to look at my situation with discolored lenses. I vow to keep this journal honest; and part of that is refusing to pollute it as an outlet for my anger and hurt with similar degrading monikers towards those who see it fit to use me to ridicule. My memories will not change because of what I have read; but my candor is describing them in the future will be dimmed. It is very late and I am very tired… Hopefully this week I can see my kids…"

I was right, this week I will see my kids…

And Even I'm Getting Tired Of Useless Desires...

My blog calls again. It has been a number of weeks since I have posted an entry. I have written since then but the entries were so bleak that I didn’t feel the need to have them here for public display. I have felt uninspired lately and today those feelings have added upon themselves so that I feel somewhat lost. I have been happy, for the most part these past weeks and think that maybe the public nature of this blog has stunted my desire to share. I have felt things that are extremely personal lately and I am unsure what the effect would be if I verbalized them to the page and posted them. I will write them anyway.

My ex-wife is soon to be remarried. There are many good things to come about because of this; there is hope that she will move closer so that my children will be closer to me, she will no longer have to be alone which could only help in her personal quest for happiness, and a few other reasons not worth mentioning. I read an entry from a blog that one of her sisters keeps which referenced how funny her family is and quoted her fiancé and his reaction to their “uber-secret” family blog. After reading that I started to feel things that I didn’t think I still had inside; I felt jealous of that family relationship and incredibly sad that one of the effects of our divorce and separation was that I no longer had access to that. Even though I still harbor hurt feelings for the way that things transpired when Marla left I have many fun and lasting memories of a time when the world seemed smaller than it does now. This is probably magnified because the relationship that I have with my current in-laws is very different. My father and mother-in-law are not people to which a mutual draw is felt. Amie’s sisters provide her with a group of friends but each one of their spouses are so different that there is not a general sense of unity outside of the blood lines of their family. I miss feeling apart of an in-law family where there is much in common to draw people together.

This week I met with my bishop again. It was a good interview but I left it feeling more hopeless than when I arrived. I know that he didn’t intentionally wish to have it be that way but sometimes things just happen. As quickly as the decisions come that can take away your membership in the Lord’s church He sure makes you wade through miles of mud to get it back. My bishop told me that his father was in a similar situation when my bishop was a child and he is glad that he is a in the calling he is because it has changed the way he looks at people who fall. He told me that before he was called to be a bishop that he felt little tolerance or acceptance for people in my situation and encouraged me to be forgiving of others if that is the way I am received (Why do I go to this church again? Oh right.. It’s true…). The real purpose for his interview was to talk to me about things with Amie and her testimony. He expressed to me the concern that he has about me teaching her the gospel since I don’t have the capacity to teach with the Spirit and that if she and I don’t have the same goals spiritually that it will affect our relationship. He asked me if I would have any objection if he started meeting with her one-on-one to help her have access to things of the Spirit. I welcomed his invitation and hope that things grow with her and her relationship with Heavenly Father. She is a very kind woman; charitable and loving. I don’t know why there has been such difficulty for her in cultivating a stronger testimony of the gospel. Whatever the reason I am hopeful that one can develop. Like I told her, “I already know the sky is blue, I am just trying to get you to look up and see for yourself.” I hope for that brighter day…

Well, it seems the melancholy of the moment has passed… Thanks for sharing…

"...Bringing Glad Tidings To The World..."

As I promised in my last entry, I am writing about the thoughts and intents of my heart from the past two days. The 176th Annual General Conference of the church adjourned shortly ago and I feel a need to express to my family and friends my testimony. The Spirit is here with me as I write, and I express my thanks to Him for allowing me to feel truth this day. He has been present in my home as I have listened to each of the sessions and felt the will of the Lord manifest through His servants. I have appreciated the theme of encouragement and invitation from this conference and commit to a more thorough understanding of the atonement of Jesus Christ. My testimony has been strengthened in the reality of the risen Lord and His gospel; the reality of a prophet and divine revelation and the reality of the atonement. I was reminded that the Lord knows how to succor His people. What a blessing to know such glorious things.

Today we were supposed to attend the afternoon session but as fate would have it we did not get in. Traffic coupled with a late arrival made it so we were turned away at the door. Regardless, we listened as we drove home and I was able to finish the conference in the confines of my own home. The experience I had after the closing hymn made me think that as in so many instances in life, that disappointment was a precursor to a greater blessing. As much as I enjoy being there, the window of the television allows the rays of the gospel in just as easy as being there. The Spirit handles satellite transmission very well…

After the conference ended, I felt the impression to pray with my wife. I called her to me and told her of my desires and thoughts. We gathered in our room and prayed together, asking that the affects of the conference would continue to linger in our hearts and home as the days and months passed before the next. We prayed for our families, our children and each other. We offered thanks to a loving father for what he had just allowed us to feel and hear. My wife then went on her way and I stayed in the room feeling inclined to read from the scriptures. I picked them up, and begun reading in 2 Nephi 10. I seem to have trouble maintaining a happy heart considering some of the sorrows of my life, and a scripture that I read helped me to remember how to qualify myself to all that the Lord has promised. “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves- to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. 2 Nephi 10:23-24.” What a wonderful scripture! I had so much more say to my Heavenly Father, so I did; kneeling on my bed and offering another prayer to the heavens. I told Him that I was not praying in sorrow, but with joy in my heart; I expressed my gratitude for all that has been done in my life to bring me closer to Him. I thanked Him for my blessings and was very specific in describing what those blessings are. I asked that my children might be brought closer to me; I prayed for their mother to have love and the Spirit to guide her in the decisions that will affect them. I prayed for remembrance in the days to come of what I was feeling to guide my actions and increase my character. I prayed that the day would soon arrive that the Lord would trust me enough to allow me into His fold once again. I prayed to again be allowed to bare the priesthood of God and bless the lives of those around me. I asked for missionary experiences and recognized the opportunity around me to teach the gospel to those who unaware of the magnitude of its blessings. I prayed that my wife would grow in her understanding and love of the Savior. I offered thanks for the environment to which my children live and their access to things of the Spirit. Eyes wet, I concluded my prayer with a heart full and came straight away to this journal. It has been a good day.

“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophecy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins (2 Nephi 25:26).” That is the purpose of this blog, and this day. Until then…

Old Doors Are Closed But He's Always Open...

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I am hopeful that I won’t overlook anything as I recount the happenings of the last little spell in life. Some very wonderful spiritual things have happened, celebrated Amie’s 25th birthday, saw a great concert of one of my favorite artists and am writing this as this dawn will bring the general conference of the church. As fate would have it I will recount what’s happened as chronicled above.

This past Wednesday Amie and I met with out new bishop. Last Sunday we went to what we thought was the right chapel/ward only to find out that it wasn’t. We were given the number of the executive secretary of the ward that we were told was ours only once again to find that it wasn’t. I finally hunted down the right number to call and set up an interview for us; our stake had recently been split so naturally there was a bit of confusion as to where we would attend. I should have trusted the church website… I looked up where we should go and didn’t trust it because the building is miles away and this is Utah. We pass four church buildings to get to ours. Our bishop’s name is Bishop Enger and he is only a shade older than I am. He also served his mission in the Porto Alegre north mission and left as I was arriving in the south mission which made for some interesting conversation. In our interview Amie and I told him of our intentions in the ward and committed to him our activity and devotion to the gospel. I was very emotional talking to him. My daughters, my situation, my standing in the church were all subjects we discussed and was relieved as he listened with love and concern for me and my family. I felt truly uplifted as I left his office. He asked Amie to bare him her testimony, and the experience that followed is one that I will cherish for a lifetime. I had never seen or heard her speak of such things and she bore a very sweet, humble testimony of times she had recognized the Spirit. He told us that he loves to see people grow and that his emphasis as a bishop has been to have his ward take upon themselves the admonition of Alma; mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. He assured us that we would be welcomed with open arms. It was such a relief to feel that way… being in the last ward had stripped me somewhat in the faith that I have that members of the church can be accepting without some sort of agenda attached to duty. I know the bishop loves and cares for us; even thought we haven’t attended a meeting yet I also have faith that the ward echoes his sentiments. I used this phrase before, but I felt a portion of my shame disappear and become hope. Much is in store…

The day before all this happened was Amie’s birthday. We thought that we would take the day and go skiing together, so that’s what we did. I called my friend Todd at Deer Valley and with his help with lift passes we skied, ate great food and enjoyed the day together. Amie is getting so good at skiing it surprises me, she is almost to the point where I can take her anywhere on the mountain and she isn’t intimidated. She even took a jump in the terrain park, a feat to which I was thoroughly impressed. I kept showing off with my newly acquired 540 trick, and she fed my ego in a manner befitting a wife. It was a fun day. I can’t wait for the times when I can take all the members of my family skiing. I have always felt that Jane would be a great skier; she is fearless and has no issue with the cold (something key to skiing). I don’t know how Catherine will fair but seeing that my blood runs in her veins there is definitely hope she will follow suit. We finished off the night seeing a very entertaining movie. As we recapped the day we recognized that it was a very good day. I hope that she enjoyed her birthday as much as I did.

On to the musical part of the program… a few months ago my friend Doug learned about James Blunt coming to town. He is a musician with quite an interesting past, he used to be in the English military, his father was also a lifer in the military, he didn’t grow up with any music played around him yet one day picked up a guitar, starting learning to play and attached some of his poetry to song and poof… Rock Star… I bought tickets to this show months ago when they first went on sale and thought they could tie in nicely with Amie’s birthday. Last night was the show; it was a bit deceptive because on the ticket it said that the show started at 8 pm but when we got there a bit before eight we learned that James didn’t hit the stage until 10:30. We sat through two lame bands before we finally got to see the name on the stub. The wait was definitely worth it, he was a vibrant, entertaining performer. I am always curious to see how a live performance will pan out, especially somebody like him for his music is very passionate and heart felt. It can be hard to translate such music to the stage. The most poignant part of the show was when he played a song called “No Bravery.” Before he started playing he said that would be showing some footage on the screen to accompany his performance; footage that he took in 1999 when he was in the military and serving in Kosovo. The footage was riveting, so much destruction, hints of death, overall sorrow were displayed. Imagine those images to these lyrics, coupled with a haunting track of only piano and voice:

"No Bravery" By James Blunt

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another families' turn to die.
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel to accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Says, he has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness

His performance came across literally tied to his experience in Kosovo, yet I felt a deeper, less literal connection to the destruction that happens between people when we hurt each other. After our emotional battles ensue, after “he has been here” we can at times be left feeling so wounded that there is no bravery for our cause left in us, only sadness. I became quite stirred during that performance as I connected the dots between what is real and what is perceived; my mind attached personal experience to each one of the descriptions of destruction and made the feelings tangible and real. Great song… He was equally as impressive with his other songs; second most notably the song “Goodbye My Lover” to which he asked the crowd’s silence as the song was a “quite song.” Check out his album, “Back to Bedlam,” it is a good one.

Today is the start of the 176th Annual General Conference of the church. I welcome this time of year and the promise of renewal in my life. My home is filled with feelings of love and the Spirit as we watch the prophets and apostles speak of the Savior. This day is no exception. I will be sure to write about the impressions I have as I watch the speakers and tomorrow as I attend the afternoon session. I am excited for this day and what will transpire…

Until next time…