And Even I'm Getting Tired Of Useless Desires...

My blog calls again. It has been a number of weeks since I have posted an entry. I have written since then but the entries were so bleak that I didn’t feel the need to have them here for public display. I have felt uninspired lately and today those feelings have added upon themselves so that I feel somewhat lost. I have been happy, for the most part these past weeks and think that maybe the public nature of this blog has stunted my desire to share. I have felt things that are extremely personal lately and I am unsure what the effect would be if I verbalized them to the page and posted them. I will write them anyway.

My ex-wife is soon to be remarried. There are many good things to come about because of this; there is hope that she will move closer so that my children will be closer to me, she will no longer have to be alone which could only help in her personal quest for happiness, and a few other reasons not worth mentioning. I read an entry from a blog that one of her sisters keeps which referenced how funny her family is and quoted her fiancé and his reaction to their “uber-secret” family blog. After reading that I started to feel things that I didn’t think I still had inside; I felt jealous of that family relationship and incredibly sad that one of the effects of our divorce and separation was that I no longer had access to that. Even though I still harbor hurt feelings for the way that things transpired when Marla left I have many fun and lasting memories of a time when the world seemed smaller than it does now. This is probably magnified because the relationship that I have with my current in-laws is very different. My father and mother-in-law are not people to which a mutual draw is felt. Amie’s sisters provide her with a group of friends but each one of their spouses are so different that there is not a general sense of unity outside of the blood lines of their family. I miss feeling apart of an in-law family where there is much in common to draw people together.

This week I met with my bishop again. It was a good interview but I left it feeling more hopeless than when I arrived. I know that he didn’t intentionally wish to have it be that way but sometimes things just happen. As quickly as the decisions come that can take away your membership in the Lord’s church He sure makes you wade through miles of mud to get it back. My bishop told me that his father was in a similar situation when my bishop was a child and he is glad that he is a in the calling he is because it has changed the way he looks at people who fall. He told me that before he was called to be a bishop that he felt little tolerance or acceptance for people in my situation and encouraged me to be forgiving of others if that is the way I am received (Why do I go to this church again? Oh right.. It’s true…). The real purpose for his interview was to talk to me about things with Amie and her testimony. He expressed to me the concern that he has about me teaching her the gospel since I don’t have the capacity to teach with the Spirit and that if she and I don’t have the same goals spiritually that it will affect our relationship. He asked me if I would have any objection if he started meeting with her one-on-one to help her have access to things of the Spirit. I welcomed his invitation and hope that things grow with her and her relationship with Heavenly Father. She is a very kind woman; charitable and loving. I don’t know why there has been such difficulty for her in cultivating a stronger testimony of the gospel. Whatever the reason I am hopeful that one can develop. Like I told her, “I already know the sky is blue, I am just trying to get you to look up and see for yourself.” I hope for that brighter day…

Well, it seems the melancholy of the moment has passed… Thanks for sharing…