Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Amie and I are traveling to Boise to pickup my children and bring them back here to Utah for the weekend. I am so utterly excited to see my children that sleep is a far cry this evening. I will update this blog later to report on what happened and how the weekend went. As for now, I leave this update with the following entry that I wrote last Saturday in the late hours of the night. I did not originally post it in an effort to let the ideas I had written down cultivate for a few days to show whether or not this entry deserved posting. I think that my feelings deserve to be posted. Here they are:
"Funny thing happened at about midnight tonight… I found the family blog that I referenced in my previous entry for my former in-laws. It’s kind of ironic to me that after having just written an ode to them and the way that I appreciated them that I found myself reading epithets about me that would make it hard to conjure up those same feelings I had just written about. In one post I am referred to as “the donor,” called a schmuck, indirectly mocked for my shaving habits, not having a skill with tools or woodworking and having more than one ski suit to wear. My taste for expensive things was also indirectly addressed as a downfall. In one of the comments Kevin (Marla’s new husband) says that I am afraid of him, knows I have seen his new Glock and that he would like any excuse to kick my “trash.” Her brother says it’s good that Kevin packs heat because then he “at least he can shoot Bryce.” Another thing that I learned is that Marla is already in Boise; something very upsetting to me considering how ambiguous she has been about when she would be arriving there after I have expressed a desire to see my children as soon as possible.
I write this sitting here numb. I never expected my former in-laws to throw a parade in my honor but I also never expected it to come to this. I can handle the abuse, but what is the most disturbing to me is the climate to which I am referenced around my children. It’s one thing to think things are a certain way, another to know they are. I don’t know how to handle all this…
A few days ago I called Marla to talk with her about some details surrounding the home we used to own together and a trip to Arizona with my kids. I described to her the details surrounding my father’s impending heart surgery and asked if I could arrange a time toward the beginning of May to come to Boise, pick up my girls and take them to Arizona to see my father at the time of his surgery. Her first reaction was one of disgust and awe that I would actually think that she would allow such a trip, and after I delicately reminded her of the visitation rights I have now that Catherine is over 18 months old her story evolved to “it would be too hard on Catherine, she doesn’t even know you.” I have struggled with feeling that she doesn’t want me to have a presence in the life of my children; I have even spoken to her about my feelings only to have her give me her reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. I have looked at her as a woman of a higher moral code but the harder I try to see her that way I keep having evidence to show otherwise. I struggle every day with the decisions that I made that have affected my children and just once I would want to hear from their mother that she has played a part in the events that have affected them since we split. I have yet to have Marla admit that she contributed to the demise of our marriage; and she bases her decisions in dealing with me off of the premise that it was me, 100% that caused our problems. Our inability to validate the others perspective has obviously callused our association with each other. We have gone rounds about her “need” to go to Oregon; and how that was the worst thing that could have happened for us and ultimately sealed our doom. She disagrees; says I forced her hand and God confirmed her decision. I have probed the deepest parts of my heart and soul to try to understand why leaving with my children to go 800 miles away would have been an option that the Lord would endorse and have only come up with one conclusion… Regardless, I feel somewhat hopeless for a civil, respectful relationship with her and her new husband.
My thoughts are very scattered and clouded as I write. As a form of defense I must state that I have used this blog as a means of sharing what goes on in my life and to show to my friends and family a side of me that isn’t visible. Contrary to what people may think, not being a member of the church is not a free license for sin and I have not used it as such. One of the things I have learned since “Black Sunday” is that excommunication doesn’t remove from you the need to keep the covenants you have made with the Lord; it removes the blessings for keeping those covenants. It is only through reproving worthiness and re-earning trust of the Lord are the blessings restored. I am doing all that is in my power to restore what can be restored; right as much as I can what has been wronged and be a better man than I have ever been. I have concluded that much of my actions and intentions will be misunderstood by individuals that may choose to look at my situation with discolored lenses. I vow to keep this journal honest; and part of that is refusing to pollute it as an outlet for my anger and hurt with similar degrading monikers towards those who see it fit to use me to ridicule. My memories will not change because of what I have read; but my candor is describing them in the future will be dimmed. It is very late and I am very tired… Hopefully this week I can see my kids…"
I was right, this week I will see my kids…
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