Be Still My Beating Heart...(Okay, Not Really Funny)

Pardon the language, but I suck at this writing thing…lately anyway. I have had so many things happen to me in my life lately; every time I think that I should sit down to write I end up being distracted and the opportunity AND the ideas pass me by. It is Sunday night and I don’t have any ideas brewing but I am forcing myself to add to this journal. The first thing that comes to mind is the family fast that we had today. Here are some details why we fasted…

I have written before about my father’s health issues and the condition of his heart. I don’t recall if I had given specific details, but at the beginning of May it was scheduled that he was to receive a combination defibulator/pacemaker in his chest to help restart his heart and keep it beating in case of another heart attack. At the end of April he had a follow up appointment with his cardiologist in preparation for that surgery and found some alarming issues that were not recognized before. He was then scheduled for an angiogram, which he had this last week, to see how things were inside his heart. They found out that his heart was worse off then they had anticipated and that had he gone through with the installation of the pacemaker that his heart is not strong enough to handle the stress; it would have taken his life. The surgery that will take place to rectify his problem is a multiple bypass open heart surgery. He has a pre-operative appointment this coming Wednesday after which they will schedule the procedure. According to my father, the amount of time between Wednesday’s appointment and the surgery will be minimal; a few weeks at the latest.

My family decided that this is a good enough reason to have a family fast. There aren’t many things I have been able to participate in since “black Sunday” but fasting is one that I have been able to take part in and still feel somewhat a part of the fold. Amie and I have fasted on numerous occasions, so even with her somewhat limited understanding of the gospel and it’s blessings she sees its importance as well. It was a good fast…as I closed I cannot say that I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief that my father would be stayed from further heath issues; but I did feel that he would be fine, as would my mother and that the Lord’s will would be carried out. I don’t know what that means but it brought me peace knowing that my small offering to the Lord in behalf of my father was listened to and considered.

This experience has reminded me of how I am somewhat sheltered from death. I have never lost anyone that really mattered to me in my life to physical death. I have experienced loss in my life (this blog should bare witness to that) but never in the form of someone close to me passing on to the next world. Seems like a selfish irony that the possibility of my first experience of death would be my own father; it would abruptly introduce me to the sorrow that is associated with that end. Also it would solidify to me the reality of the eternal relationship that I have with him and bring a somber peace as well. Dad, you are a great man and I am thankful for the example you have set to me of Christ-like love and charity. Stick around as long as you can…

Speaking of father’s and eternal relationships…a week or so ago I was speaking with my uncle Scott. He is the stake president in the area where they live and I called him to ask some questions in regards to the relationship that I have with my own children and how that will all work out in the eternities. These thoughts have weighed heavy on my mind lately and I needed some resolution to my heartache. Jane was born in the covenant, meaning that her mother and I were married and sealed in the temple and were worthy of the covenants we had made. When Catherine was born I had already been excommunicated two months prior and so she is not technically sealed to me because of my disobedience to covenants I had made with the Lord. I have spoken with Marla in the months past and she has expressed to me the desire that she has to have the girls sealed to her new husband; from what I understand she has already petitioned for a cancellation of sealing (that means she wants nullified the sealing we had in the temple and her marriage to me). The overall tone in our conversation was that I really don’t have a say and I need to do what’s best for the girls and left them be sealed to him. I have a big problem allowing that to happen; partly from the standpoint of any declaration for “what’s best for the girls” that doesn’t involve me seems biased and partly from the way that I feel the timing is not right for that decision to be made considering the relative newness of our split and the eternality of a sealing. I explained to Scott my concerns and heartache to which he listened and gave council. He encouraged me to use foresight in my association with Marla and not to dwell on the anger that I may feel. He outlined to me the details of my eternal relationship with my girls and told me to believe what the Savior teaches about forgiveness and restoration. He reminded me that things would be restored; council that I much needed to hear. He admonished me to look past those who say that I am not worthy to receive such restoration and to pray A LOT. Before we ended our conversation he gave me the most comforting piece of council. “Sealings, temple marriages, family, covenants, sin, repentance ALL of these things will get worked out after we are through on this earth. All of us are here as a test, you, Marla, even your children will grow up and be tested. Everyone has to be faithful for an eternal family to be complete. Make sure that you are ready for that day by fixing things every time you mess up. If you can’t totally fix it; do what you can…it will work itself out.” So that’s what I’ll do… all that I can.

I love my children and miss then badly as I write this. I feel so sorry that I put our family in a place where this is even a concern. I place in the Lord’s hands the desire I have to have them for eternity and hope that things can work themselves out. I trust that God knows more than I do and loves me, my kids and their mother enough to help all this to be sorted out. The Spirit tells me He can and will…

Anyway, it has felt good to write. I will do better about writing and update no later than Thursday to share when my father’s surgery will be. Off to bed…