I Think The Word I Am Looking For is "Hiatus..."

What a hypocrite I have become… I post an entry not too long ago touting my greatness at keeping the commandment of journal writing and POOF… a month passes by. In all fairness I have made journal entries just not any postings… I have an internal struggle any time I write down anything too personal thinking that it is not fit for the general public. That thinking hurts the integrity of this blog… please forgive me.

The past month has brought upon me and my family a number of changes. Spiritual changes, financial changes, emotional changes… all have occurred. Amie and I decided that after having reached a few key milestones that the time had become right to start looking for a new home to buy. We found one that we were excited about, made an offer and are currently about a week (maybe less) away from closing. We will not be moving yet; we will be leasing the home back to the builder for a month so we will officially be moving at the end of October. We are very excited about our new home, it will be big enough to allow for all the things that we have shown concern for; a home office, a play room, rooms for all my children and a BIG garage (that was key for me). We had decided to rent our current home, going through all the necessary tasks to secure someone to live here after we moved but in doing so found that the values of homes here in our area has skyrocketed. We put a “For Sale By Owner” sign in our front yard last Saturday and today accepted an earnest money check to precede an official contract tomorrow. It happened so quickly that it took us off guard. Needless to say these things will bless our lives tremendously.

This past week the girls have been here. I went up last Thursday and picked them up from Marla and returned them today. Things with Marla lately have been very cordial and I have been pleasantly surprised. I have missed the nice person that I know lives inside her and it seems that she and I are being able to have an open dialogue about things regarding our children and still remain respectful. This visit with the girls was great, the kids got along better, Catherine continued to escalate her celebrity status with everyone she met and Jane made me feel like a loving father. One concern popped up; Jane kept referring to Kevin as her Daddy and after questioning her she seemed a bit confused. She said that she had Daddy Bryce and Daddy Kevin. Very lovingly we discussed with her that she has only one Daddy; and that was me. I asked Marla about it and she said that she has recently started doing it, especially around Kevin’s children; trying to fit in. I asked Marla if she could help me to reinforce that although Kevin will offer a loving a positive influence in her live that I have the only one that deserves the name Daddy. I told her how when Catherine first started coming here that she would call Amie “mommy” and how we would correct her and how now she calls her Amie. Marla was receptive to my feelings; something for which I am grateful. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am not but I would be liar if I didn’t admit that one of the underlying emotions to this whole concern was jealousy. I need my kids to know who I am and I make all the effort that I currently can to be in their lives. I do not want to share the sacred name of Father with any one else… NEXT SUBJECT… We took the girls to the new house and showed Jane where her new room would be; she was very excited for things to happen. Having the girls here challenges Dorian in a very positive way… tonight Dorian was riding his bicycle more aggressively than he ever has and I have reason to think it had part to do with a bit of friendly competition between he and Jane. Albeit a blended family, I feel a unity and love within our home that is uplifting and healthy. I have to wait another two weeks to see the girls….

I have been meeting regularly with my Bishop in preparation for rebaptism. Two weeks ago he asked me to write a letter to the First Presidency stating my feelings about a number of different things, among them my feelings about the Savior and His gospel. I will post a copy of my letter at the end of this blog for I feel that my posterity should know the testimony I bare and how this experience has affected me. According to my Bishop both Marla and Amie need to write letters; Amie has already written hers and hopefully Marla will have hers to Bishop Enger soon. After than I meet with the Stake President and from there I am unaware of what will happen. I am hopeful that it will all be resolved in the next six weeks before we move. I am sure that it will…

So many memories come back when I ponder about being a member of the church again. My testimony in the reality of the atonement making whole all mistakes is definitely challenged. Some of the things that were effects of my decisions I cannot comprehend how the Lord could fix them. I know he can, I just can’t see it… I guess that I revert back to the first principle of the gospel for help with that one…

Life is good… Here is my letter:

“July 30, 2006

To the First Presidency:

Unfortunately, my story is not unlike many you may have already heard. I was excommunicated from the Church on August 22, 2004 for the sin of breaking my temple and baptismal covenants through adultery. I was married to a woman to whom we shared temple covenants, a beautiful daughter and were expecting another. I became involved in a sexual relationship with a woman to whom I have since married and through my decisions lost my membership in the church, my family and the confidence I had to choose the right. As I left the court it was whispered in my ear that what had just happened was a sign of our Father’s love… at the time I didn’t understand what that meant. As time has passed I have started to see the wisdom in that statement and have waited for the opportunity to express to the church my regret and sorrow.

I write this as an expression of my desire to be allowed back in to the fold. Through my experience of being excommunicated I have realized the many blessing I gave up in exchange for the decisions I made at that time of my life; blessings I sorely miss. The effect of my decisions will affect those I love for a time that I cannot foresee; and for that my heart weeps. During that dark period in my life I struggled with depression, thoughts of suicide and ruin on every level. I felt as though I was looking at the gospel from behind a glass wall. Through others I could see the blessings of the gospel; church service; members strengthened through their families, the gift of the Holy Ghost manifested and yet could only feel glimpses of those blessings as I surrounded myself with those people. In looking back I feel as if the imperfections of my testimony and misunderstanding of the gospel were being burned away from inside of me and being replaced with a true understanding of all that God requires of us and the abundance of His blessings as we obey. I would not wish my path upon any soul but thank my Heavenly Father for the understanding that has come as I seek for His trust again. The beauty of the atonement is in the things that we can’t see; the way that the Lord through the sacrifice of His son can make sense of our lives after we have done everything we can to mess them up. I have gained more of an appreciation of the Lord’s Church as I have been a spectator to it and what it does for His children. My prayers have become more sincere as my heart unequivocally knows how dependant I am on His grace and love to be redeemed.

In seeking rebaptism one of the thoughts that were most concerning to me was the conditions offered on the day of my court. I was challenged to abandon the relationship that I had outside of marriage and fully reconcile with my wife. Since that day I have turned away from the actions and attitude that led me to make the decisions I made but I was not able to abandon my relationship or reconcile with my former wife. I have offered many prayers and asked forgiveness from my former spouse and the Lord for the things that caused my marriage to end and wish that the contrary would have happened; but I have since put more effort into my marriage relationship. I seek for all the blessings that marriage can offer with my wife and feel a part of a warm and healthy relationship. I have abandoned all of the actions that led to my excommunication. Even though I now have a different spouse I have seen the fruition of a mere thought and have chosen to not entertain any such inappropriate seeds as the only outcome is not of the Lord.

As evidence of my desire to be rebaptized I offer the following report of my actions. I have maintained in my heart a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know of the importance of church attendance and have remained as active as my circumstance allows. Although I have not been able to actively participate I have attended church as though I could. I have sought out the help and encouragement of my church leaders and have followed their council to the utmost compliance. I accepted President Hinckley’s challenge to read the Book of Mormon by the end of 2005 and have continued on in regular scripture study and daily prayer. My wife, stepson and I pray together as a family daily. Although I have not been able to pay tithing I give freely of my means and seek for the blessing of paying tithing. I am now current in all my legal child support obligations and every third week I travel to bring my children here to be with me to be apart of my family here. I seek for the full blessing the gospel offers and although I have not been privy to those blessings for the past while I live my life in a way that would allow for them. Whatever time table the Lord sees fit for me to return to his fold I am willing to wait.

I close my letter with an excerpt from my journal from after this part April’s General Conference. I have found joy in the keeping of a journal and add this to the list of things that I am doing that the Lord requires of me. My heart swells with emotion as I think about the waters of baptism washing away my sins…again.

“After the conference ended, I felt the impression to pray with my wife. I called her to me and told her of my desires and thoughts. We gathered in our room and prayed together, asking that the affects of the conference would continue to linger in our hearts and home as the days and months passed before the next. We prayed for our families, our children and each other. We offered thanks to a loving father for what he had just allowed us to feel and hear. My wife then went on her way and I stayed in the room feeling inclined to read from the scriptures. I picked them up, and begun reading in 2 Nephi 10. I seem to have trouble maintaining a happy heart considering some of the sorrows of my life, and a scripture that I read helped me to remember how to qualify myself to all that the Lord has promised. “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves- to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. 2 Nephi 10:23-24.” What a wonderful scripture! I had so much more say to my Heavenly Father, so I did; kneeling on my bed and offering another prayer to the heavens. I told Him that I was not praying in sorrow, but with joy in my heart; I expressed my gratitude for all that has been done in my life to bring me closer to Him. I thanked Him for my blessings and was very specific in describing what those blessings are. I asked that my children might be brought closer to me; I prayed for their mother to have love and the Spirit to guide her in the decisions that will affect them. I prayed for remembrance in the days to come of what I was feeling to guide my actions and increase my character. I prayed that the day would soon arrive that the Lord would trust me enough to allow me into His fold once again. I prayed to again be allowed to bare the priesthood of God and bless the lives of those around me. I asked for missionary experiences and recognized the opportunity around me to teach the gospel to those who unaware of the magnitude of its blessings. I prayed that my wife would grow in her understanding and love of the Savior. I offered thanks for the environment to which my children live and their access to things of the Spirit. Eyes wet, I concluded my prayer with a heart full and came straight away to this journal. It has been a good day.”


Sincerely,

Daniel Bryce Prescott"


It’s a long one…

Go Falcons…