To A Screeching Halt...

Today is an interesting Sabbath. It is the first day of Daylight Savings Time and so I have an extra hour this morning that I haven’t had since, well… last spring. I got up this morning and came into my office to study the scriptures and instead have spent the last while reading from my missionary journal; more specifically my journal from when I was in the M.T.C. in August and September of 1995. In reflection that time of my life was a great one; I was so young and inexperienced in the world and had such a limited understanding about life yet understood the simple things unpolluted by the changes that come from age. One of the themes that is throughout my journal is that I must remove my hard heart and seek for the Spirit at all times. Here are some quotes:

“Sept. 4, 1995: I am learning how important the Spirit is. I can’t teach without the Spirit and I need to live my ENTIRE live so that I am worthy of it. I pray that I will remember how the little things are important and it is the accumulation of those little things that add up to make the difference. Yesterday was an incredible day and I hope that I continue to obey that way I have today.”

Written a few weeks earlier:

“Aug. 8, 1995: The main thing I wanted to write about tonight is how I’m doing spiritually. I’ve hard a hard heart lately and had a hard time feeling the Spirit. I kept thinking about how I just assumed that when I came back here to the M.T.C. I would already have everything I need spiritually at my dispose. The whole night I have been melancholy in my thinking and decided to ask counsel from my Father in Heaven. I went outside and prayed. While I was outside I prayed for a lot of different things. I prayed for that firm testimony again. I prayed for that surety that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I prayed for the welfare of my family and friends and prayed for forgiveness. My prayer was wonderful but I know that it is only the beginning. Through experience I have learned that the cleansing power of the Holy Ghost doesn’t come right away. I’m still trying to humble myself enough to rid myself of this burden of pride. I know morally that I am worthy to be here, but I don’t know what could be keeping me from the Spirit.”

And last but not least…

“Aug. 20, 1995. Bryce, remember how you feel right now. You feel clean, forgiven, happy… There is that inner peace that can only be remembered by obtaining it. Hopefully you feel it right now as you reread this, but if you don’t… Get it back.”

It has been good for me to read these things. I feel like I am on a never ending highway where the destination is the feelings described above. The past two and a half years have been so taxing on me and my heart spiritually. I have faced up to my mistakes and sought to fix them the very best that I could and sometimes the only things that fill up my heart are sadness and regret; not forgiveness. I cannot tangibly remember what the Spirit feels like and I thank my Heavenly Father that I have journals that I can read that remind me at least of times when I felt it. I have such a strong motivation to be a better person; read my scriptures, show charity and love to my fellow man, pray… all those things but none whatsoever to attend church. Church to me at this point in my life is burdensome and boring. I cannot participate or share or take part in the ordinances that are the reason for going. I know that I need church I just feel so discouraged by how long I have been waiting to become a member of that church again that my attitude is “what for…” I need some fuel in my tank because as I see it, the fuel light has been on for years. Please pardon my candidness in writing; all these words really do is try to mask the way that I utterly miss the companionship of the Holy Ghost and being apart of the brotherhood of the priesthood….

True to the blog I will post this, but I will not continue on this rant.

Daily Reminders...

"We live in a world where finding fault in others seems to be the favorite blood sport. It has long been the basis of political campaign strategy. It is the theme of much television programming across the world. It sells newspapers. Whenever we meet anyone, our first, almost unconscious reaction may be to look for imperfections."To keep ourselves grounded in the Lord's Church, we can and must train our eyes to recognize the power of the Lord in the service of those He has called. We must be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. And we need to prayfor the Holy Ghost to help us know that men who lead us hold this power. For me, such prayers are most often answered when I am fully engaged in the Lord's service myself."(Henry B. Eyring, "Faith and Keys," Ensign, November 2004, 28.)

I'd say that this most aptly aplies to the way that we look at ourselves..

Carry on...

How Are You Going To Stop #81? Uhh... Sack His QB...

This morning finds me in a peculiar place. I don’t usually write in the morning but I feel that doing so will allow me to write from a different perspective and draw from a different emotion inside of me. The weather this morning is beautiful; the only clouds that are visible are high in the sky and the air is cool and brisk. It seems that this winter is creeping slowly upon us in typical Utah fashion; the smell of winter is around me yet from the solidarity of behind a window it stills looks very much like summer. A befitting metaphor for a number of changes that happen in life in that from behind shelter things on the other side are somewhat misrepresented. I sit in my office here alone; the part of my family that lives with me are away and I have decided to write…

I have somewhat of a hangover right now. Not from any sort of alcohol (I don’t drink) but from Monday Night Football. I had written previously about how Monday night is a time for friends to gather in my home and enjoy the company of one another and watch football. That idea has become a full blown tradition and I enjoy it on every Monday night as my friends start to show up and we talk, play and watch football. Football has been something that has grown on me and I lament my disinterest in it when I was younger and regret that when my body was able to handle its abuse I never played. Being older and understanding the game the way I do now lets me realize how fascinating it is. To the layman it could be perceived as a barbaric display of unnecessary violence and I guess a portion of it is. There is so much scheme and intelligence needed to understand the many aspects of it and how so much happens all at once that I think that those who don’t like it really don’t understand it and haven’t given it a fair shake. It really is a modern day chess match. Last night was an entertaining game but I started to see that I am the kiss of death for a team on Monday night. This year every team that I have rooted for has lost the Monday night game; even the games I could have cared less about either team the one I chose to support lost. I guess the only way I can secure that my team wins on Monday night is to attend the game (GO FALCONS http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8126/1845/1600/IMG_0441.0.jpg ) Regardless it is a fun time to watch. After thanksgiving the NFL Network will be broadcasting games on both Thursday and Saturday nights, making it so that Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday night NFL football will be available in HD in my home. WOW… I will need to stock up on chips and salsa! My hangover comes having been wrapped in the drama that is the game and left to a morning to think about it. It’s a good thing….

My body is so sore today as well. I have tried to take care of my body better in the past couple of years and I have done well at increasing my muscle density and lowering my body fat yet I haven’t been able to break through to that next level where I look completely fit and don’t have that extra layer of softness around my midsection. I have definition in my arms and chest that I have never had; I just can’t give up the sugars which deposit themselves on my gut and butt… There is a class at the gym I go to that is called Total Conditioning; it is 75 minutes of manipulating your heart rate above and below your anaerobic threshold. In order to get to the point where you can manipulate your heart rate like that you have to get worked to the point of muscle failure. I went to that class yesterday morning and it is a very exhilarating; BUT today I can feel every muscle in my body remind me what I just did to them. I need to go break a sweat again to get some blood into my muscles I just have no drive to do it. Aw, the beauty of growing old.

Things seem to be good. I write this feeling happy and excited for the weekend. I am going to get my girls this weekend and have them for the Halloween holiday. We have the costumes already for them; Jane will be Tinkerbelle and Catherine will be Raggedy Ann. Dorian will protect the bunch as Superman; very cute costumes. I miss them so much when they aren’t with me and when they are I cherish every moment that I have. I saw a movie once where a man was talking to his father-in-law to be and was telling him of the great love that he had for his daughter. The father-in-law said something to the fact that the feelings we feel for people don’t matter to anybody but ourselves and the only way people can know that we love them is to show them. In keeping to that theme I hope that the actions that I show my kids that I love them will be interpreted the way that they are meant to be. I don’t do anything for my children as an act of guilt for what has happened between their mother and I but as a desire that I have to be around them and take care of them. I don’t know how all of the details will play out but hopefully they will never second guess the love I have for them. I would love it they could live with me someday; there are too many complications to worry about right now to even entertain that thought for too long. For now I will cherish what time that they have here with me.

I need to start the day…

"...Push The Pedal Down, Watch The World Around Fly By Us..."

Back to the blog… I am getting better at the times between postings and trying to write on a more regular basis. Since we have moved I have been swamped with the smallest and mundane things trying to get our home and office up and running. The aggregate effect has been days were I am been kept busy with a laundry list that is getting shorter as the days goes by. I am close to having things the way that I want and need them to be. Today was a good day, we basically have the home office set up, the network established and tomorrow I will learn how to use the main computer I have to act as a server for the other computers on the network. Yippee… exciting stuff…

I wanted to comment on the change I made to the appearance of the blog. I feel that the differences between the old template and the new one are symbolic of the outlook I have as I write and the tone that most of my entries take. The previous look of black background and white lettering was somewhat bleak. The new look of white background with grey writing lends itself to a more optimistic outlook. It is void of any real color so as not to be overly exciting and take away from what I might write, but nonetheless it is a good change. As I wrote previously I have felt that this new change and move has been somewhat of a rebirth for me and I wanted to convey that in my writing. I am sure that the some of the same tones will persist but I generally should be more hopeful in my pining.

Business has been interesting. I feel an excitement for the future and the time is split between dreaming of the riches that could be at my fingertips and the thought of ruin. I have a number of different “irons in the fire” that could be very fruitful. I have started more to understand the need that one has to surround himself with other people with similar goals and desires so that everyone can work together to reach their goals. This has helped to force out the negative thoughts and concentrate on having worthy motivations to what I am trying to accomplish. I have also started looking more at my own personal righteousness and how it plays such a role in the way that the Lord is willing to bless me. I have been given the chance to be apart of the lives of some very incredible people and I feel the Lord’s hand guiding me to empower them with some of the knowledge that I have that can bless their lives and the lives of their families. I can see how it is not always spiritual knowledge that the Lord wants His children to impart one to another and in so doing His love is shown just as if it were spiritual knowledge. I marvel at how blessed I have been throughout the past while that Amie and I have been married. Not to discount the absence that some of the most prized gospel blessing have had in my life, I still feel that the Lord has looked out for me.

On that front, I have no news to report about being rebaptized. Bishop Enger called me and said that Marla had sent him her letter and that he had all the necessary letters to get things submitted to the First Presidency. Unfortunately with us moving it puts everything in the hands of a new Bishop. I have been to church the past two weeks and have yet to meet our new bishop. Our new ward is monstrous, filling up half of the cultural hall as well as the chapel. This past Sunday I was able to get the number of the executive secretary so I should be able to get an appointment soon. Oh yeah, Stake Conference is this weekend as well which should add a nice delay. This has taken so long that I sometimes feel like giving up and just not dealing with it. I won’t go into it again about the trials associated with the type of lifestyle where you go to church as if you were an active member but aren’t. Not to mention last weeks lesson was about Agency and Consequences… sheesh, all right I GET IT…

Tomorrow I will be sending off the Marla the dates I am hoping to have the girls until the end of the year. I really hope that there isn’t any conflict with what I am hoping to do. I don’t think their should be but there is a pretty extended period in the month of December so I guess I will see.

It is very late and I am without words…Tchau..

No Title... Just Read.

Welcome back to the blog. Holy almost a month! As a write this I sit in my new home reminiscing about the past little while and waiting for a client to show up for an appointment. Tomorrow I travel to Idaho to pick up my girls and bring them back here for there birthdays. I am very excited to see them, the last visit we had was too short.

The latest disagreement between their mother and I is over the amount of time that they spend here with me. When Marla first moved to Idaho it seemed like it was going to be a very easy evolution into when they would visit. As time permitted, and since they were not in school I would pick them up every third weekend for a long weekend; meaning picking them up Thursday and returning them Tuesday. Before the last visit Marla voiced to me her disapproval of that long of a visit and told me of the difficulty in their transition once they returned home. She originally suggested to me a one day exchange, meaning I travel to pick them up; they spend the next one day with me and are returned home the day after; two days of travel for one day here with me. I failed to see the reason for such a short visit and in our discussion our conversation turned much more accusatory that I will record here. Fortunately for that visit we were able to come to terms with a two day visit. That seems to be the limit that Marla wants to have them here; according to her that one or two extra days is such a huge obstacle in them being “normal” there in Idaho. As I am sitting here I am contemplating what ways there would be to overcome our inability to see the importance I have in there lives and how they need the time with me here in my home. I have been reading about the best ways for kids to handle the separation of their parents; it does them well to be here with me and for them to feel apart of this home as well as there place there. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me if Marla and I get this wrong, looking back I see the errors throughout in how things have transpired and how every step along the way has been masked as the right reason but has ultimately been wrong. Every time I pray I hope that in some way the effects of the drastic changes and distance to me that they have endured may be able to pass them by and be happy and healthy as they grow; void of some deeper issues only to surface later as confusion; trust issues or a distance to God. I also hope that I will stop allowing the dynamic between Marla to be as it is. We are co-parents of our children; she is not the sole parent with all the control over them. Knowing her; it will prove to be a very tough battle to wage in fighting for equality in the parenting and time spent with our children. I anticipate every step along the way her assertion that I chose this route and that in it’s self negates any say I might have in the direction of their lives. It’s so sad how this divorce has caused Marla and I to fight with each other using the most ugly and dark sides of our personalities. Hopefully time can give us a perspective that we don’t share at this moment. Regardless, tomorrow I get to see my sweet daughters… Great day ahead…

The past week has been very busy. My mom flew into town; we closed on the sale of the town home, packed up our house, lived out of a U-haul for a day and were finally able to move into our new place. We have spent the last days unpacking and making our house a home. Amie and I feel a great sense of peace about this home for it will be the first home that we two have shared only together. Our last two places have been scattered with past memories and hints of a life before. It has been a struggle to really let go of the regret of past mistakes and embrace the future for what it can be when every bedroom, scratch on a wall or stain on the carpet tells two separate stories of two separate lives. My memories of the past are so vivid sometimes that it is hard to believe how long ago they are. Our new home allows us to be able to have place that is not tainted with those feelings and enables us to find refuge in the resolution of the past and the dedication to today being a day looking forward. There is a certain amount of peace that comes when I think of building new memories.

I'll write more later, my client is here.