To A Screeching Halt...

Today is an interesting Sabbath. It is the first day of Daylight Savings Time and so I have an extra hour this morning that I haven’t had since, well… last spring. I got up this morning and came into my office to study the scriptures and instead have spent the last while reading from my missionary journal; more specifically my journal from when I was in the M.T.C. in August and September of 1995. In reflection that time of my life was a great one; I was so young and inexperienced in the world and had such a limited understanding about life yet understood the simple things unpolluted by the changes that come from age. One of the themes that is throughout my journal is that I must remove my hard heart and seek for the Spirit at all times. Here are some quotes:

“Sept. 4, 1995: I am learning how important the Spirit is. I can’t teach without the Spirit and I need to live my ENTIRE live so that I am worthy of it. I pray that I will remember how the little things are important and it is the accumulation of those little things that add up to make the difference. Yesterday was an incredible day and I hope that I continue to obey that way I have today.”

Written a few weeks earlier:

“Aug. 8, 1995: The main thing I wanted to write about tonight is how I’m doing spiritually. I’ve hard a hard heart lately and had a hard time feeling the Spirit. I kept thinking about how I just assumed that when I came back here to the M.T.C. I would already have everything I need spiritually at my dispose. The whole night I have been melancholy in my thinking and decided to ask counsel from my Father in Heaven. I went outside and prayed. While I was outside I prayed for a lot of different things. I prayed for that firm testimony again. I prayed for that surety that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I prayed for the welfare of my family and friends and prayed for forgiveness. My prayer was wonderful but I know that it is only the beginning. Through experience I have learned that the cleansing power of the Holy Ghost doesn’t come right away. I’m still trying to humble myself enough to rid myself of this burden of pride. I know morally that I am worthy to be here, but I don’t know what could be keeping me from the Spirit.”

And last but not least…

“Aug. 20, 1995. Bryce, remember how you feel right now. You feel clean, forgiven, happy… There is that inner peace that can only be remembered by obtaining it. Hopefully you feel it right now as you reread this, but if you don’t… Get it back.”

It has been good for me to read these things. I feel like I am on a never ending highway where the destination is the feelings described above. The past two and a half years have been so taxing on me and my heart spiritually. I have faced up to my mistakes and sought to fix them the very best that I could and sometimes the only things that fill up my heart are sadness and regret; not forgiveness. I cannot tangibly remember what the Spirit feels like and I thank my Heavenly Father that I have journals that I can read that remind me at least of times when I felt it. I have such a strong motivation to be a better person; read my scriptures, show charity and love to my fellow man, pray… all those things but none whatsoever to attend church. Church to me at this point in my life is burdensome and boring. I cannot participate or share or take part in the ordinances that are the reason for going. I know that I need church I just feel so discouraged by how long I have been waiting to become a member of that church again that my attitude is “what for…” I need some fuel in my tank because as I see it, the fuel light has been on for years. Please pardon my candidness in writing; all these words really do is try to mask the way that I utterly miss the companionship of the Holy Ghost and being apart of the brotherhood of the priesthood….

True to the blog I will post this, but I will not continue on this rant.