The Wintry Day, Descending To Its Close...

What a week. I cannot let much time pass before I write this entry; I must allow the thoughts and feelings of my heart be kept fresh so that I can recount them here adequately. This past week represents years worth of resolution culminated into one wonderful evening…

It has been no secret to anyone that reads this blog with any regularity that the past three and a half years have been at times challenging. I have expressed here my love for my wife, my children and a testimony in Jesus Christ as my redeemer and Savior. I have expressed confusion, concern, certainty and excitement for the trials of life and the abundance to which my life has been blessed. Throughout all of this was a narrative of the efforts I have made to be able to join the Lord’s church again after having been removed from it through excommunication. Countless Bishop’s interviews, prayers, tears, fits of anger and rage underlined by my desire to make right what was wrong and to start over have outlined the pages here. I didn’t know when the journey would be over as far as the road to rebaptism but I felt in my heart one day it would be. I am grateful to say that the road that I travel now is not that road; last night that trial ended for me.

I met last Sunday with my Stake President, President Fred Burton. After having had regular contact with my Bishop in the past year detailing to him by behavior and words my feelings towards the church and gospel he felt that the time had come for the next step in the path to rebaptism; to meet with Pres. Burton. Last Sunday’s interview was the second of my interviews with him and this time things were a lot more in depth regarding the reasons for my dismissal from the Lord’s church and the improprieties to which at that time I had involved myself in. It was a very arduous discussion for it involved recounting of sins that I have far since removed myself from and a reliving of sorts of that time in my life. We discussed the interpretation that was given by former spouse of what happened and why our marriage failed; we discussed the differences between her account and mine; we discussed what happened and why Amie and I ultimately chose to be married and the manner in which we have lived our lives since that time. Overall the meeting was very unsettling because the feeling that accompanied me as I left there was not one of confidence that things were resolved enough to move on and be able to rejoin the church. Regardless of my feelings, Pres. Burton had decided that he would reconvene the disciplinary council Sunday, December 30, 2007 to decide whether or not it was the right time for me to be reinstated and join the church again through baptism.

This last week was horrible in a lot of ways. Leaving that meeting an anger and hurt settled over me that consumed me in its entirety. I looked at everything about my life with hurt and disgust; nothing had gone my way, nothing was good enough, there was a lot lacking to get me to be “happy” and I felt rejected by everything thing and everyone that was important to me. Amie and I even had a horrible fight; one which I started and take full responsibility for in which I picked on her for not being what I thought she should be. I slept very little that night, mulling over in my mind the “injustices” of life and feeling sorry for myself. When the dawn came it was Christmas Eve and I didn’t want to have the feelings of the night last into the day; I confronted Amie about my feelings (or she pulled them out of me, can’t remember) and ended up having one of the most pronounced breakdowns of my life. I felt crazy, balling my head off in the shower and having my loving wife look at me from beyond the glass with an endearing face yet seemingly hiding a fear that she was married to a crazy person. I promised her that I would not allow the day to continue that way and we had a better day. Same for Christmas day… we were surrounded by family so my thoughts and demons were held at bay for yet another day. Day after Christmas I was travelling, I drove to Boise to get my kids so another day was filled full of business to where I wasn’t bothered by the demons. Thursday came, I called Pres. Burton to make sure that I understood his intentions and he confirmed them that Sunday there would be a council and that it would decide at that time what was to be. Friday my Parents showed up and in talking to them I kept getting more and more discouraged; not by anything they were saying but by that if I really wasn’t allowed to be rebaptized I wasn’t ready for that kind of rejection. I feared my own reaction that I would abandon what I had known and go off the deep end. This whole experience has been so taxing, trying to live a gospel centered life but not being able to partake in any of the things that give you the strength to do it. I thought to myself that if I wasn’t ready now to be a member then I never would be; I might as well take the break that I hear so many ex’d people take.

That was the permeating feeling throughout Saturday and heading into Sunday morning. I arrived at the church at about ten minutes to 8 am and was promptly introduced to a room full of men that were there in a way to decide my fate. I had done my part up to this point now it was theirs. I sat there and shared my feelings, fielded questions, shared my testimony and then was escorted out of the room for them to discuss candidly what should happen. My Bishop was there to support me; he and I shared small talk outside that room for ten minutes, then twenty, thirty, forty five… what seemed like forever. Since it was taking such a long time the Bishop and I concurred that what was happening was that they were deciding on a list of things for me to do before I could be reinstated; what a horrible feeling. The door opened up and we were invited back into the room to be told that the council’s decision was that there was nothing more short of a judge’s ruling that could change the unresolved details of my situation with my former spouse, my efforts had been sufficient to demonstrate fruit meet for repentance and that the time was now for me to be reinstated.

What a flood of emotion came over me. I felt such joy at that declaration and listened intently at each bullet of council that President Burton gave me to live by. I wept thoroughly as I felt a release in my body that was consuming. I pondered how long it had been and what a great renewal this new year will be…

My baptism was last night at 6 pm. The ordinance itself was very quick, but afterward I stood in my father’s arms weeping from gratitude that my Heavenly Father hadn’t lost hope on me. I felt so clean, pure… I kept thinking about how grateful I am that my children and wife were able to see me get baptized and to show them an outward manifestation of my inner testimony. The room was very peaceful and emotions were displayed by all in attendance, a testimony what love our Heavenly Father has for us. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit there confirming my feelings of peace, forgiveness and renewal. It was wonderful. Some of the other details are my father performed both ordinances of baptism and confirmation. Chris Groneman gave a talk on baptism referencing Romans chapter 6 and spoke of the death of an old life and the birth of a new. He expressed gratitude to me for the influence I have had on him and his decision to serve a mission. Chad Williams gave the talk on the Holy Ghost and shared a heartfelt testimony of the effect the Holy Ghost has had in his life, more specifically when their son Nixon was to have a skull reconstruction surgery. Bishop Hawkins shared his testimony, and then I took a moment to share mine. I shared my love for my family, my wife and kids and the great love I have for all the close friends that were with me in that room. I expressed the certainty that Jesus Christ is real and that he really died for us. The closing hymn was my favorite hymn, #37 “The Wintry Day Descending to Its Close” and then we ended the evening with most of the attendees coming to the house to enjoy each other’s company and to be together.

The most beautiful thing that I am experiencing from all of this is the quiet I feel in my own head. I had it explained to me once that the difference after rebaptism is like you’ve been living with an annoying commercial on the television of the background blaring while you try to go about your life and with rebaptism comes the muting of that noise. I know what that means. I feel so calm and at ease about life and what’s in store for me and my family. I feel truly forgiven for the misdeeds of the past years and feel that all that I have lost I can reclaim. I have such a hope for the coming year that I smile when I think about it. I love my life, my family, and my kids, all of it. I understand more fully what the atonement can do for you and feel the desire to never deviate my actions to the point where this calm leaves me again. What a great time of year to have this happen! I am the most blessed man on the earth (or at least it feels that way!!).

So the New Year for me is started with renewal… I hope anyone who reads this is offered the same…

Just because, here are the words to my favorite hymn:

The Wintry Day, Descending to Its Close, no. 37

The wintry day, descending to its close invites all wearied nature to repose,And shades of night are falling dense and fast like sable curtains closing o’er the past.Pale through the gloom the newly fallen snow wraps in a shroud the silent earth below,As tho ’twere mercy’s hand had spread the pall a symbol of forgiveness unto all.

I cannot go to rest, but linger still in meditation at my window sill,While, like the twinkling stars in heaven’s dome come one by one sweet memories of home.And wouldst thou ask me where my fancy roves to reproduce the happy scenes it loves,Where hope and memory together dwell and paint the pictured beauties that I tell?

Away beyond the prairies of the West where exiled Saints in solitude were blest,Where industry the seal of wealth has set amid the peaceful vales of Deseret,Unheeding still the fiercest blasts that blow, with tops encrusted by eternal snow,The tow’ring peaks that shield the tender sod stand, types of freedom reared by nature’s God.

The wilderness, that naught before would yield is now become a fertile, fruitful field.Where roamed at will the fearless Indian band the templed cities of the Saints now stand.And sweet religion in its purity invites all men to its security.There is my home, the spot I love so well, whose worth and beauty pen nor tongue can tell.

Text: Orson F. Whitney, 1855–1931
Music: Edward P. Kimball, 1882–1937

Where Have I Been?

Back in the saddle… Today is Sunday, December 9, 2007. I haven’t written in a while but that doesn’t really matter; I am going to write today. I just got home from church and it was a very gratifying set of meetings. I went alone today; Amie has come down with a combo of the stomach flu and a cold, Dorian was at Matt’s today (as usual) and I didn’t want stay home. Even though I don’t like attending by myself I am glad that I went.

We had a change in the Elder’s Quorum today. The outgoing president had only been there since the ward split, which is about a year and a half. The new president is a good man and this will be his third go and being president of an Elder’s quorum. Not that a change was needed, it will be a change that I am sure will be an inspired one. I also spoke briefly with the Bishop today… We are very close to my return to the fold. After my last interview with the Stake president, he and the bishop have discussed my readiness and it looks like by the end of the month it should happen. I became very emotional as the bishop told me these things, it felt like it was for real and not one of the times like the past where I was told one thing to not have it play out that way. One of the talks today in sacrament referenced "the Lord’s time" and I guess that is what I have been waiting for…

I haven’t written in a while and a lot has happened. Halloween was a very fun weekend. I had the girls here and we also hosted a Halloween party that was an absolute blast. On Halloween night Amie and I dressed up in costume and took the kids trick or treating and then came home and watched a scary movie. The girls were adorable in their costumes as Belle and Dora the Explorer, and Dorian was a very convincing Jack Sparrow (with his super dark eyes he pulls that off very well). I went as Buddy the Elf and Amie was a female version of the Devil (is there another type? HA). Our costumes were so convincing that we even won best costume at the Envision Halloween party. Before my marriage to Amie I never really got into the holiday that much, now it’s on the calendar and next year's costume is already on the mind.

Thanksgiving then came around... I had the girls again, this time for ten days. It was so great to have them here as it is always such a blessing. I have written this before but I reiterate how easy life seems to be when I have them close to me. They both have such cute personalities and I love them so very much; and they show so freely their love back to me. I wish they lived with me… Anyway, it was quite the family affair for the week. My parents came to town and stayed with us, Dennis and Megan and their family passed through town, my mom’s parents came down from Missoula, MT to spend some time with us as well. The last time I had so much family around me was the Yellowstone trip three and a half years ago. This time the circumstances were different and it was a very happy and loving experience. It was nice for my grandparents to meet Amie; they expressed the rave reviews she has received from Scott and Lynn and said that they had to meet her for themselves. We had a full house for most of the week with visitors in and out from all my family, Amie's local family, Amie's out of town family, they were everywhere. Amie does such a great job as a host that it baffles me. She is so elegant and easy to be around that people just flock to her. I feel such a grateful sigh as I think of how things are with her as my wife. I really love her and what she means to me. It was also great to have my kids be able to spend a lot of time with my parents. My mom and dad get daily, if not weekly time with their other grandchildren and they only get to see mine if the planets align themselves. Both Mom and Dad have said multiple times how wonderful it was to spend time with them (the girls)and us for Thanksgiving. I told my mom that I would have them the week after Christmas as well and it looks like they will be coming to visit again at that point. I am so glad to have my parents have a part in the life of my kids. It cannot be discounted how important that is.

Today is a good day, I will write more later…

Go Derrty Birds...

A friend of mine asked me in an email what my opinion was of the Michael Vick story. I have written before in this blog about how he as a football player first allured me to an interest in football and I have never shied away from endorsing him as a player. Having said that it has been an extremely disappointing few months watching one of my favorite players be involved in something as shocking as dog fighting and the repercussions it has had on my team; the Atlanta Falcons. I won’t dwell too much on it… but I will share this: A week or so ago ESPN hosted a town hall meeting in Atlanta gauging the public views and thoughts surrounding what has happened to Michael Vick. All sorts of groups were represented; the Humane Society, local media in Atlanta, church groups, the NAACP… all there to give their two cents. ESPN asked that people post comments on their website in response to certain questions for the panel and share insights for the meeting. The following is the question I responded to and my comment:

"How has Michael Vick been treated by the media?

The media super storm that has existed over the past few months has been mostly responsible for the damage to Michael Vick’s image. His personal responsibility notwithstanding, he does not deserve the backlash from the manner in which the “general public” views his actions and the outrage for animal cruelty. While the media is a small number of people that dictate what news is seen their opinion does not represent the opinion of the country at large. People seem to share two different opinions about dog fighting; the opinion acceptable to share in public that it is cruel, inhumane and horrible and the opinion that is shared amongst friends in close circles that while it’s a cruel, the life of an animal should never be placed above that of a human and penalties for animal cruelty should reflect that hierarchy. I feel that dog fighting is wrong, and as a story attached to someone with the celebrity of Michael Vick is juicy, enticing and attractive; add to that a news media thirsty for a story during a boring summer and you have Michael Vick saga as it has unfolded. The most disconcerting thing to me is that Michael Vick never assaulted anyone, killed anyone, raped anyone, robbed anyone, molested anyone’s kids or family and yet will have a more difficult time than any perpetrator of the listed crimes rehabilitating his image. It is a sad state in our country that we have come to this where federal resources are being used to chase a dog fighting ring while there are still homeless and hungry on the streets of our cities. The NFL nor the country at large are better off for what has happened, if anything it is more of an indictment of the manner in which the media use the public and celebrity for their own gain, regardless of the consequence. It seems incredibly alarming that Michael Vick has been perceived as he has been, yet has not been guilty of one crime against another human being. I guess you need to be indicted for murder (Ray Lewis…currently playing for the Baltimore Ravens, no suspension from the NFL), drug trafficking (Jamal Lewis…currently playing for the Cleveland Browns, served a 4 month jail sentence, no NFL suspension) or rape (Patrick Kerney… currently playing for the Seattle Seahawks…no NFL suspension) to be fly under the radar. Dog Fighters are the REAL felons…"

Back To The Songs...

"As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room for your hand in mine..."

A wonderful lyric from a wonder song by a wonderful songwriter...

"Fall Apart Again" by Brandi Carlile.

From the first time I heard those words stretch through the song I couldn't think of a more endearing way to tell someone important how you feel about them. Obviously the music is missing which adds to the emotion of the statement but nonetheless, it is a great thing to feel that for someone. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE... wink.

A Great Story Heard This Sunday...

I heard this yesterday and loved it. Thought I'd share it here...

The Parable of the Pear Seed:

The wise observation of human behavior is a trademark of the Chinese culture, its history and people. For more than 3,000 years of recorded history, the Chinese have shared great wisdom through beloved folktales and proverbs.

One Chinese folktale recounts the misfortune of a poor man who was so hungry that he stole a pear. He ate the pear as quickly as possible, but not before he was arrested and put in jail. Behind bars, the man finished eating the pear, all the way down to the last seed, which he carefully saved.

Days and months passed while the man awaited his trial. At last, he devised a plan. He asked the guard if he could present the emperor with a rare gift. The guard consented, and the man offered his pear seed to the emperor. The poor man said that it would produce pears made of pure gold, but only if the one who planted it had never lied, cheated, or stolen anything. The seed was of no use to him, a common thief, but perhaps the emperor could plant it.
His majesty thought for a minute and declined. The poor man then offered the seed to the prime minister, who likewise had his conscience pricked and refused to plant the seed. Next he offered it to the commander of the royal army, the chief magistrate, the chief warden—all the way down to the lowest page in the emperor’s court. No one would plant the seed because no one had a completely clear conscience. They now saw the poor man in a new light and decided to set him free.

At some point in life, we realize that mercy and justice are not incompatible. Without condoning others’ misdeeds and shortcomings, we can choose not to dwell on them—and instead try to correct our own. When we mercifully look for the good in others and choose to define them by their virtues and not their faults, we build bonds of love that can unite the human family.

Live At Radio City Music Hall...

Oh, hallowed day in music! One of my most favorite albums of all time is the Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds: Live at Luther College album. I just found out that a few days ago they released a follow up to it; Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds: Live At Radio City Music Hall. I have been listening to that new masterpeice for the last half hour and it does not dissappoint. The album is just two guitars and Dave's voice and stories. I will update more as I become more familiar with the album. One cool thing is they do an acoustic version of a great song called "The Maker" which is about the internal journey of realizing that whether you understand it or not we are all the offspring of God. Our actions are always seen and heard by he who's hand made us, we are all walking a twisted mile and cannot hide; just embrace it. Here is a glimpse of one of the stanza's.

"Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night. I stand with arms wide open, I've run a twisted mile. I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker...

I could not see for the fog in my eyes. I could not feel for the fear in my life. From across the great divide in the distance I saw a light of Jean Baptiste's... he's walking to me with the Maker...

My body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep, I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away.... I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker."

Just a teaser... but WOW... that's all I can say.

Some Things You Shoudn't Get Too Good At...

I have come across websites that give interpretations to certain songs. They post the lyrics and then give a synopsis of what they think the lyric means and intertwine the commentary with their own stories or experience. I have wanted to get back into the habit of posting on my blog more and have decided that instead of reviewing entire songs I will post a line or two from songs that have meant something to me and then share a brief story about what helped me to draw the correlation between the song and my feelings… Here is the first one:

Song: Original of the Species, U2 from the Chicago Vertigo ’05 Concert DVD.

“I’ll give you everything that you want, except the thing that you want; you are the first one of your kind…”

In the concert Bono dedicates the song to a girl named Jordan and then says that it’s dedicated to all our girls… In thinking what the song says I see in it the declaration from a parent to child to not grow up too quickly, and warnings against being untrue to yourself. I have been mindful lately about all of my children and my impact and role as a father. I have longed for a closer relationship with Dorian and that my daughters might be closer physically to me. I want so desperately to be a good parent and feel the kinship that comes from those efforts. My girls always make me feel loved; this morning Jane called me just to talk, and said that she had a picture that she had drawn for me that she was going to mail to me… Anyway… I feel the same as the lyric sings… “I’ll give you everything that you want, except the thing that you want…you are the first one of your kind…” Being a good parent requires that declaration. I think of my kids when I hear those words…

Keep It To The River And The Streams That You're Used To...

First things first I'll address the pictures. The one one the left is me standing in the donut part of Donut Falls (story below). The one on the rights is of Amie and I in front an undisclosed waterfall (feel free to post if you know where that waterfall is...)

Well, it’s Sunday again… The past few weeks have been really great and I need to write it down. My birthday was a few weeks ago and then I had my children with me for over a week, not to mention that things between my wife and I have been very endearing… I am a very blessed man.

A few weeks before my birthday I was talking with Amie in jest about how it seems that as you grow older birthdays take on less and less importance with those around you. As a child your birthday is a huge deal and as you grow older, not so much. She had asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t cost a mint… She took it upon herself to make my birthday a memorable one, and she did. After a little discussion we decided that a get together with some close friends would be just fine so she planned a hike and a picnic the day before my b-day and a family dinner the day of. We called the three families that seem to be the closest to us, Ryan and Jennifer Park, Grant and Michele Eggertsen and Chad and Erica Williams to hike to Donut Falls with us. Everyone brought their families (minus my girls) for the 45 minute hike up to the falls and then we drove down the canyon to a picnic area for tin foil dinner and a red velvet birthday cake care of Michele Eggertsen…(umm, almost sinful how delicious the cake was). The whole thing lasted for most of the day and it really felt good spending time with people that I care about. It was a bittersweet not having my girls there but I didn’t dwell on that; instead I took it in how lucky of a person I am having such great friends and a wife to die for.

This past week I had my kids with me. I went to Boise to pick them up on Thursday and because of a scheduling conflict was able to keep them until Friday, making it 7 days, 8 nights that they were with me. It was so great to have them near me; it had been the longest stretch of time that I was without them since Marla moved to Boise. We tried to do something as a family every day… we went swimming, sprinkler trampoline games, Dairy Queen, bike riding in the driveway… little things everyday where all of us were together and involved as a family. I feel that it helped our blended family to well, blend. I think though that the highlight of the week was when we all went to Lagoon. Every time we drive by Lagoon to and from Idaho Jane always shows her enthusiasm that she wants to go there. I had promised them the last time they were here that we would go this time and we did 2 days before they had to return to Idaho. As usual Jane was gitty for the roller coaster rides, any ride that she was tall enough to ride she wanted to ride, and we did. We picked the perfect day to go because it was supposed to have rained and it was a weekday so we never waited for more than 5 minutes for a ride. Chad and Erica brought their boys as well so we had backup for the times when we adults wanted to enjoy an adult ride or two (the Wicked ride was awesome... If I would have had to wait I probably wouldn't be so enthused). Catherine did reasonable well, she was reluctant at first but with some encouragement completely loved it. She doesn’t exude near as much fearlessness and her older sister but she had a great time. Dorian even got out of his comfort zone and tried a few rides that he normally wouldn’t have. It was a great day. Funny thing, the kids slept late the next day even after we put them to bed early… They were spent. Regardless we made some great memories together being involved in “wholesome recreational activities.” Now that they are back in Idaho I feel helpless again to some of the things that I disagree with about their lives there but I continue to pray for them and thier family there. It’s always a hard transition for them I am sure and for me as we live our lives apart for a few weeks.

So life goes on… Amie and I are going to Sand Hollow this coming weekend to spend some time with her family. Business always continues to be a pleasant challenge and I feel excited for what the next few months will bring us. I have been focusing in my mind during my meditating about the details of the life that I want and what I need to be ready for as I achieve it. I feel a renewed dedication towards my spiritual goals and feel the windows of heaven continuing to be open to my family. There is real strength when you mentally focus on what you want and you live in that place in your mind as you meditate. The details become clearer as you focus on it and then it (what you want) finds itself in your real life. I have noticed that as I have focused on the good things, different things that are important I become ready for them and then my life changes for the better. I have been focusing on a better relationship with my wife, being closer to my stepson and daughters, having a healthier body, business goals… all seem to make themselves manifest as I have focused my energy toward being more grateful for what I already have and allowing my actions to be such that the Lord blesses me with my desires. I believe that this is part of becoming like our Savior, in that of the role of creator. I am using what He has given me to create a better world for myself and my family throught the desires of my heart and the intentions of my mind.

Along those lines today we went to Amie’s brother’s ward for sacrament meeting. He and his wife had a baby recently and Amie’s father blessed him today. I wondered what was running through Chuck’s mind as he was called upon to bless his sons’ child. It must be a difficult thing to have to act as a proxy in that capacity when the worthiness of your loved one is not where it should be. Amie and I have talked about how we aren’t going to have kids until I am able to give them a proper name and blessing; I remember specifically the shame of having someone else bless my children. I was able to bless Jane but Catherine I was not. That will be the only ordinance that will be performed to my children that do not give them. I am getting closer to the place where I feel ready to make the commitments needed to be a member again and give my family what they deserve, a worthy priesthood holder as the leader. My life has been free of the things that would deny we the blessings of the gospel but I have been so reluctant to plunge seeing that my fall wasn’t something that I could have foreseen. Regardless the time is close and I am excited for it.

This concludes this broadcast. From the shadows of the everlasting hills, peace be with you this day…

MD Diet Clinic Be Praised...

I need to write an entry. I have been really busy lately and have neglected writing here to the point that it feels forsaken. It isn’t; I just have had a hard time feeling motivated to write anything down let alone anything that I would want to reread in the future. I was on the treadmill this morning and something was sparked that I thought would be a good catalyst for getting me to start thinking about writing. Here is some personal history to start off:

About 2 months ago I went to see a doctor about my health. More specifically a nutritionist to help me get a grip on my diet and what has been happening with my body. Right after Amie and I were married we went on the South Beach diet and I went from 235 lbs. down to 195 lbs. From that time until about two months ago I had been steadily gaining the weight back that I had lost. April came around and even my fatty clothes weren’t fitting me well and I was feeling extremely discouraged about the eventuality of my obesity. Health problems associated with weight are very commonplace in my family tree; I have written about my dad and his bout with heart disease, diabetes etc. and was feeling that I was doomed to that end. I for whatever reason have always been conscious of my appearance and I think that the most disheartening thing was that I not only felt fat, I looked fat. I had gotten to where no matter what I wore that my gut and backside weren’t able to be hid. It sucked. Add to that I thought that I was doing everything I could in that I was active with exercise; I played football and basketball once a week and went to the gym. All those efforts were for naught, they kept adding pounds.

The first thing that I learned when I met with the doctor was that I was on pace to have a heart attack by the time I was 50 (sounds like someone else I know). I was also inline for adult onset diabetes (also, sounds like a LOT of people I know). BUT I also learned that I was able to make some changes that could completely reshape my body and give me the appearance and health that I wanted. She gave me some information that said in a nutshell that our culture and the way that we eat is the exact opposite of what our bodies need; from the times of days that we eat, to what we eat to how much. Changes in the way that I eat and what I eat would eliminate food craving that lead you to cheat and give me results in a relatively short amount of time, as long as I stuck to it. Amie and I were in this together so I knew that if we were both committed to the changes we needed to make in our diet then we would succeed. Her help has been HUGE…

A few of the things that I needed to change was the amount of protein that I ate. According to the doctor protein is the fuel that your muscles use to maintain themselves and a key component in telling your brain whether or not you need food. One of the biggest mistakes that happens with people that have food cravings is that they start their day with a yogurt, or bowl of cereal…some kind of carbohydrate and their muscles don’t start off with the fuel they need so their brain tells the body that it isn’t nourished; your metabolism slows down and your body goes into starvation mode making it so that all the fat and sugar that is eaten is put directly in to the fatty storage in the body. You can eat a 5000 calories diet every day and your body can think it is malnourished if you don’t eat enough protein. Another change was that I needed to eat a huge protein filled breakfast followed by some sort of morning fruit then another sizable meal for lunch (loaded with protein) and the taper off throughout the day not eating anything after six o’clock. My grams of protein for the day should be between 130 to 160 grams and my carbohydrate intake for the day no greater than 45 grams (I also learned that “net carbs” are a joke, fiber doesn’t at any point take away the effect of the carbs you eat and that net cards are a marketing tool to get you to eat more carbs). The sugars that I eat are from natural sources; fruits etc. and I needed to drink about 80 ounces of water throughout the day. Lastly, the doctor said that if I changed how I exercise during the first months while my body was losing the excess fat that I could accelerate the process. I needed to do only cardio and to get my heart rate in the fat burn zone, which for me is between 125 and 150 beats per minute for no less than 3 times a week for 45 minutes at a time.

A few of the things that I have learned over the course of these months is that on the South Beach diet my body was eating its own muscle and structural fat and that I why I lost weight. I was still soft in the middle even though I lost 40 lbs. I started this diet weighing 232 lbs. with 152 lbs. of that being my lean body mass (muscles, structural fat, organs etc). A safe body fat percentage is between 7.5 to 10% for males and at that point mine was almost 35%. As of yesterday which was my most recent appointment I weighed 195lbs. with 149 lbs. of that being my lean body mass, meaning that of the 37 lbs of my weight loss only 3 lbs. of it was muscle. My blood pressure is now in a safe place and I continue to loss weight everyday as I keep with the changes that made two months ago. I have a long way to go still but as I made the changes that I need to have enough protein in my diet I haven’t had any real cravings for stuff I shouldn’t be eating. Matter of fact, on Sunday I had a piece of cake that was DELICOUS and it wrecked my stomach and my body didn’t like what I had done do it reinforcing that if I eat what is good for me and have enough protein then I feel great and see positive results in my appearance. Statistically speaking if I can keep up with this for a year the chance of going back to being the way I was is small and for two years I am almost guaranteed to stay thin and healthy for the rest of my life. The way you feel and look plays such a role in your esteem as a person, a spouse, in the business world that I feel very grateful that I was able to learn what I have and make the changes. I do not exaggerate when I say that I do not crave sugars, sodas, candy…any of that stuff. Cheating is not appealing in this diet if you do what you should.

Anyway, that is one of the things that I am proud of that I have done in the past months. I get excited thinking about being in my fifties and still able to play with my grandkids, ski, and do all the things physically that I wouldn’t be able to if I was fat with bad health.

BRING ON THE MIDLIFE!!

3-1....

I just finished watching Game 4 of the Utah Jazz, San Antonio Spurs game. I am disgusted right now having just watched bad officiating and great acting take over a competitive game and ultimately give the game to the Spurs. I don’t have too much to say other than I think that the team of Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobili make up the most despicable duo in team sports. Below is an excerpt from an article by Bill Simmons on espn.com that I read not too long ago that echoes of my feelings about fouls in the NBA:

“The single most disgusting NBA development of the past few years? The flopping... Slowly, regretfully, inexplicably, the sport is morphing into soccer --I blame the influx of European players for this trend because flopping has always been an acceptable part of soccer; they grew up watching that crap and understood that it could work in basketball as well, especially if you have a group of largely incompetent referees calling the action. So it started a few years ago, it's gotten worse and worse, and now, it's affecting the overall competitiveness of these games.
Here's the problem: Because we don't have any anti-flopping rules, it behooves defenders to fall backward every time a low-post player lowers his shoulder, and it behooves them to slide under airborne players and plant their feet for a charge (even if they might end up breaking the guy's neck in the process). Not to keep bringing up the pickup basketball analogy, but geez ... can you imagine if somebody pulled this crap during a game among friends? The prevailing reactions would be, "What the hell are you doing?" and "If you do that again, I'm gonna sock you." But because the NBA refuses to do anything about the flopping, it's evolved into a savvy defensive maneuver. For instance, if you're Barnes and you're giving up 50 pounds to Boozer on the low post, there's only two ways you're stopping him: Go for a strip if he puts the ball on the ground, or jump backward if he's dumb enough to lower his shoulder as he's turning around. Those are your two options.
Is that basketball? Hell, no! In fact, when I was a little kid -- and I swear to God, this happened -- a guard named Mike Newlin flopped to draw a charge from the great Dave Cowens, a fiery Hall of Famer who played with a remarkable level of passion and fury, to the degree that he burned himself out after 7-8 years. Completely and utterly outraged that Newlin committed such a phony act of sportsmanship, Cowens berated the ref who made the call, yelled at him some more, then started running back on defense when he noticed Newlin dribbling up the court. Now, our seats were at midcourt, so this happened right in front of us and nearly caused me to pee my pants -- as Cowens was running, he snapped and suddenly charged Newlin like a free safety, bodychecked him at full speed (much, MUCH harder than Horry's foul on Nash) and sent poor Newlin careening into the press table at about 35 mph. Then he turned to the same ref and screamed ...
"NOW THAT'S A F------- FOUL!"
Did Cowens get kicked out of the game? Of course. But there's a moral to the story. Once upon a time, these guys had a code of honor. They played hard, respected the game, defended their teammates, and if anyone stepped out of line, there was always someone that would take care of them -- whether it was another player, a referee, a coach or whatever. When fights or altercations happened, they were considered natural side effects of a physical sport. When two players talked smack, it was considered a good thing, a sign that the game was heating up, that we were potentially headed for a more competitive place.”

After tonight it makes me not want to watch what I saw on TV. That is not competition, it’s acting. Unfortunately it is making my transition back to following professional basketball very difficult because it devalues true play and removes the sense that a fair game is being called by the officials. I do not respect the San Antonio Spurs AT ALL for the accolades that they have been rewarded. They do not deserve to be in the Western Conference Finals since they instigated a brawl that resulted in a bogus suspension to two of the Suns players. They play dirty, ugly, cheap basketball. For those that argue “but they win” enjoy your nap if they meet Detroit in the finals… it will be as boring as the Mayweather/ De La Hoya fight…

I encourage you to read the whole article, it’s quite interesting… http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070516&sportCat=nba

I'm Back Baby...

I am back to the blog because I have been schooled... The past few days I have been reading some random blogs that I have come across and I felt a twinge of guilt for denying the world my wit and charisma through writing (By the way, my therapy to rid myself of arrogance has stalled itself). Regardless I want to step it up a little and write more.

Life is good. I mean it, it’s good. Of course I miss my children every waking moment but I have learned to live with that and instead of letting the sorrow consume me I look forward to the times when I will see them next. Things with Amie are good, the weather is gorgeous, the Jazz are in the Western Conference Finals, Business is good, I have started venturing in a different direction of the mortgage industry incorporating more the side of real estate investing for my clients and I feel a great anticipation for the future. I have continued my mediation and it has helped me to work through some of the issues that I have with my “programming.” We got a new puppy and rid of the old one. Life is good. I do feel however the need to share about something that is helping me to have life be so good. Let me explain:

I have been reading some very interesting books lately. One of them is called “Thresholds of the Mind” by Bill Harris. A number of years ago he started an organization called the Centerpointe Research Institute. He has devoted a great deal of his time and resources to studying brain wave patterns to learn how they are connected to what we deem our reality. His book speaks in droves about the manner in which we can become aware of what are subconscious mind is doing and how it affects our conscious existence. His big push is towards full awareness of what and why we do things and then once that perspective is made how to change it. In his book he refers to what he calls our “internal map of reality.” Our internal map of reality is what we have subconsciously created as our reality; the manner in which we react to life, the expectations we have from each situation and the way that our minds see our lives. This map evolves daily as new experiences pile up and we continue on living. The foundation of what we see was started from our infancy and continues as we add experience that molds our perception. What I have been learning is that most of what holds people back from true happiness and achieving whatever they want is their own boundaries. They do not see in their own IMR that they can live outside of what they already know; meaning if I have always been sad, poor, fat, depressed, sick, angry, down trodden, sin laden, then my life will continue that way with brief reprieves continuing in the same fashion. They don’t feel safe in drastically changing how they think and resist that change because it initially doesn’t let them feel the safety associated with how the think right now. The study of brainwaves has shown that there are ways to manipulate through mediation your brainwaves to help you to be aware of the self destructive behaviors that you manifest and then to do away with them. This gives you the foresight to work through the things that are not giving you what you truly want. Ultimately behaviors and thoughts that are not healthy or self serving fall away as our awareness of their poison is increased.

He gave a great example that illustrated the difference of how people think and how it affects the outlook of each person differently. He first off started by explaining the difference between a response and a trigger. Responses are what happen regardless of our interpretation of life, a trigger is the manner that we handle it. For example; if you were soaked with water the response would be that they would both be wet. The experience of getting soaked could be a trigger that would cause any number of reactions from refreshment, to anger, to anxiety to worry etc. The water itself did not cause you to be angry; the water caused you to be wet. The water was a trigger to your anger, not the cause. When you apply that example to life you can see that often times the wrong things get blamed for our unhappiness/lack of success when they were a trigger to a behavior and not the reason. The reason you may be upset for getting wet was that you don’t want to have to change your clothing; OR the reason the water was refreshing is because you were hot. The water itself made you wet, THAT’S IT, and everything else was your own doing. Most of the times are lives are a result of our conditioned triggers, not the actual responses to what we go through. In my own life as I have decided to take responsibility of how I feel and think I have realized that I have held myself back blaming others for things to which all along I had control over. Tie this back into the meditation, that quiet time alone allows me to come correct with myself and make a new reality; one where I am happy, successful and excellent in all I do. I believe that this is one of the important characteristics of the gift of agency and one that is often overlooked; we can always choose our fate. There is no one who can deny us our God given blessings other than ourselves as we sabotage happiness and success. That has helped me tremendously in my personal and spiritual growth and is helping me to overcome some challenges I thought were insurmountable. My career is better for it, so is the relationship with my wife and children and ultimately my Heavenly Father.

I will write more but the gist of what I am writing about is that taking responsibility for your own happiness is a quality that is long overdue in our lives. Make it happen…

Brady Goes Deep To Moss... ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

What a span of time it has been. Making a blog entry has not been a priority for me and so I haven’t written. Milestones have passed that I could have shared about; General Conference, two different visits from my children and a few discoveries that have given me some tools that are helping me toward a more balanced life. I have not written because I didn’t want to, frankly. That’s okay, the ebb and flow of inspiration for the written word can be somewhat like the tide; in sometimes and far away others.

This past weekend was pretty busy. Amie’s sister Debbie and her family stayed with us from Wednesday night until only a few hours ago; Sunday night. Their family has 5 kids who were all here at different times; sharing time with family and friends. On top of that (more importantly) my girls were here from Saturday morning until this morning at 11am. Marla’s brother was celebrating his graduation from BYU this week so she was in town since Wednesday. I really would have appreciated more time with the girls but instead of arguing with her about it I chose to use whatever time I was given and cherish it seeing that I didn’t have to travel to get them. It was a great to see them even it was for the equivalent of 24 hours. My heart went out to the girls, they didn’t get to have much time here and they both seemed melancholy when I dropped them off to their mother. They weren’t able to adjust in only a day to life here and then had to return so soon. I won’t see them until Memorial Day weekend so their room and my heart will be closed until their return.

This weekend was the 2007 NFL Draft. I have been nuts about football the last couple of years so I was really intrigued by what happened and who picked whom. One of the by-products of this draft was that one of my favorite players, Randy Moss was traded from the Oakland Raiders to the New England Patriots. The Raiders gave away Moss for a 4th round draft pick and Randy agreed to restructure his contract; a pretty interesting move considering that over the next two years Moss was slated to be paid $20 million bucks in salary alone. Just goes to show that although the façade is that all pro athletes care about is money that the lure of a Championship has no price. Moss could realistically lose $10 million bucks with the changes to his contract. That must be some feeling to win a Super Bowl; many athletes have their careers defined by whether or not they’ve won the big game and Moss sure could use one to change the course of where he legacy is headed after these past few years with the Raiders. Regardless this year for football will be great, New England will be TOUGH to handle with all the upgrades they have done to their team this year and it will be cool to see who of the rookies that were chosen will be as good as projected.

I have started the practice of meditating. I take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour a day and sit in the quiet and ponder things about my life, my goals etc. and focus my energies to help me realize what and who I want to become. I have learned that by making time for this everyday that my life has changed to where my demeanor has slowly been changing to be less quick to anger and more loving and patient in my heart. I think that everyone should make time in their busy lives to live in the quiet for a part of the day. In my thoughts I have found myself questioning everything about what I thought I believed in. I have questioned my core values and who I am and made mental efforts to reinforce the things that I may have told myself I believed but subconsciously didn’t manifest that as a core believe. I have been feeling a great amount of growth in my faith and my understanding about who my Heavenly Father is and what he makes available for his children when the try to understand the characteristics he possess as both our father and God. I think that the difference between believing and knowing starts with the commandment to ponder and without pondering, prayer is useless. How can God talk back if your head is always LOUD?

Anyway, at this rate I will post another entry come November… jk.

Happy Easter...

Here is where I have been lately. I had my children for a week for Easter/Spring Break. It was incredible and I already miss them; one day later. I will publish another entry soon...

Our Lives Are Made In These Small Hours...

I found a new song. I heard it this morning and it really effected me; I connected with it. Here are the lyrics:

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas:

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know the hardest part is over
let it in, let your clarity define you
in the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
and I don’t mind if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by, it’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

All of my regret will wash away some how
but I can not forget the way I feel right now

In these small hours, these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain, still remain
these little wonders these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these little wonders still remain


Great, great song…

A Quick and Funny Story...

Amie and I have a neighbor couple to which we have become good freinds. They have three children, 7, 13 and 17. Their youngest is named "Noah" and has become good friends with Dorian...

The other day Noah was over here at the house playing with Dorian. He decided to let us know that soon he was going to be "bath-a-tized..." When asked if he knew what that meant he said, "Yeah, it's where they push your head under water so that you can get the friendly ghost... duh!"

Kids...

A Month and Counting Had Passed...

I haven't posted an entry in a while (duh...) and wanted to at least put something here to reflect what my life has been involved in lately. Without too much detail I have started to be apart of something on a political level whose ideas are reflected in the following article. Please read...

It’s All About The Money!
By Doug Henson of USAFathers

Why do the Family Courts routinely deprive one parent, usually the Father, of their Fundamental Liberty Right to be a parent to their children? Why are Fathers punished and penalized for wanting to be a part of their children’s lives? The answer may be surprising to some of you, but not to the millions of Fathers, Stepmothers, and Grandparents who are embroiled in a custody battle or a paternity battle in the Family Courts of our Nation.

Family Court Judges are being influenced by the Government to generate as much money as possible for the State. They do this by exploiting divorced families, especially Fathers, who are historically the main breadwinners of the nuclear family. They give “custody” of the children to the mother and force the father to pay support through the Child Support Enforcement Agency of the State. For this “service” the State receives Federal Incentive Payments from the Federal Government of up to 15% of the total collected. That’s a lot of money, money that ultimately comes from the taxpayers. The State also receives Federal Incentive Payments of up to $2.00 for every $1.00 spent in tracking down and prosecuting the mythological “Deadbeat Dad”.

They say that this is in the “Best Interest of the Child” but, what they really mean is, it’s in the best interest of the State. This windfall, of literally hundreds of millions of dollars every year, is the true incentive of the State to facilitate divorce and the breakup of the American family. By turning a Father into a visitor and checkbook, and denying his constitutional rights to be a parent, Family Court Judges can maximize their contribution to the State coffers, thus ensuring their own reelection campaigns will be well financed by the Attorneys, Legislators, and other cronies who profit from divorce.

Fathers and Children’s Rights groups, like USAFathers, have sprung up everywhere in response to this injustice. Their rallying cry is for 50/50 Equal Custody of the children, but there’s a big problem with what seems to be this simple request. If true 50/50 Equal Custody is granted, the State loses out on the millions of dollars in Child Support incentive payments. Why? Because in true 50/50 Equal Custody, there is no requirement for Child Support, each parent fully supports the children 50% of the time.

Very few of the State Legislators will even talk about 50/ 50 Equal Custody. They know it would spell the end of the Federal Incentive payments that are lining the coffers of the State treasury. These payments generate hundreds of millions of dollars annually, money that they don’t want to lose, because it would inflict serious damage to their ability to deliver on their campaign promises. Not to mention the loss of thousands of State jobs that are handed out like candy to relatives and supporters.

Who pays for these programs? We all do. Our Federal Taxes pay for the incentives that are then used to break up our families to supply even more money to a system that feeds on our very heart and soul, our children.

You could fill a library with the stories of the tragedies and grief this scheme has caused. Fathers are being criminalized and labeled as unfit or Deadbeat Dads. Frustrated and demoralized Fathers are committing suicide over the loss of their children and the devastation of their very lives. Fathers who are financially ruined by the Family Courts and Family Law Attorneys who often drag cases out for years, until there’s just no money left for the Father to fight with. Fathers who are forced to defend themselves against unwarranted and often false allegations of not only spousal abuse, but also child abuse of the very children he’s fighting so hard to maintain a relationship with. Fathers who are forced to remain while their children are moved hundreds or even thousands of miles away, because Mommy’s new boyfriend got a job on the other side of the country. And there are literally thousands of men who are paying court ordered child support for children whom DNA tests have proven aren’t even their own children. But the Courts don’t care where the money comes from, as long as it keeps rolling in.

Children are being denied their Fathers and one half of their natural families, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and all of the love that goes with them. Many of the children are suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome, where they are systematically brainwashed and indoctrinated to revile their formerly loved Parent.

Family Court Judges routinely deny fundamental constitutional rights to Fathers in their courtrooms. They do this because they know that in most instances they can drag the case out until the Father no longer has the financial means to appeal or continue the battle. Appointments of “Child Psychologists”, “Guardian” or “Attorney Ad Litems”, requirements for unending “social studies” and “evaluations”, all of which the Father is required to pay for, at a costs of thousands of dollars, can rapidly destroy the financial ability of even a “well heeled” Father to continue the fight.

These things and more are happening every day in every State in our Nation and nobody knows about it, except the Legislators, who set up this scam, and the Judges and Attorneys who derive their livelihood from it, and they don’t care. All they care about is the money.


Contact Info:

Doug Henson
USAFathers@Yahoo.Com
P.O. Box 53
Conroe, TX 77305
(936) 718-8891

Stirring The Pot Helps The Recipe...

This blog entry is going to be somewhat of a departure for me. I have yet to write about anything remotely political or controversial but as my thoughts has started to coagulate I have developed an opinion that I feel like posting. This is going to be new for me but exciting as well…hopefully my posterity will read this and see a glimpse of the culture that I was a part of (or my interpretation of it) in the year 2007.

I am a business man. I have always been somewhat of a salesman and have enjoyed the game that is associated with that career path. When I look at clients I do not see any racial labels other than ones that may be there because of a language barrier. I have many different clients of many different ethnicities; all with varying income levels, job titles and career paths. Being that my business is associated with long term lending of money I have been privy to see both the proposed future and detailed pasts of my clients as I help them become ready for the responsibility of the long term debt associated with their homes. Having said this I have often looked at the demographic of who falls into what categories of income and job types. I have clients that range in making tens of thousands of dollars every year to hundreds of thousands. Every ethic group is spread throughout that demographic and it has not been proven to me in my circle of business to find that one group needed advantage over another to be successful. I have found that the drive to succeed is one that is not associated with any ethnicity, it is an individual achievement. I feel that with the number of programs available in our country to give certain racial groups advantage over another we are creating a cultural paradigm that is opposite to what end those programs are trying to reach.

It is February; Black history month. We are able to celebrate the many achievements that historical people (who happen to be black) realized for the sake of equality and the betterment of humanity. This month we also were able to witness history in the making while watching the first black head coach to lead a team to the Super Bowl and the first black head coach to win a championship. In leading up to the Super Bowl the media was focused on how both coaches were African American and both were given their jobs as a byproduct of the Rooney Rule, which subsequently lead to the interviewing and hiring of both Lovie Smith and Tony Dunge. The Rooney Rule requires National Football League teams to interview at least one minority candidate for head coaching opportunities. The rule is named after Dan Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers and chairman of the NFL's Diversity Committee. It is no secret that a majority of the NFL players are minorities and the coaching has predominately been white. This rule was instituted to help to bridge that gap and give minority coaches an opportunity that hadn’t been made available before. I feel that Affirmative Action in whatever form it takes can serve a greater purpose and give a person an opportunity that the might not have had otherwise. Ultimately though it is simply not fair and in an evolving society it is not justified in the least.

Affirmative action itself began as a corrective measure for governmental and social injustices against certain racial/ethnic groups that have been said to be subjected to discrimination in areas such as employment and education. The stated goal of affirmative action was to “counteract past and present discrimination sufficiently that the power elite will reflect the demographics of society at large, at which point such a strategy will no longer be necessary.” The problem lies in that programs like the Rooney Rule and Affirmative Action are forced upon naturally competitive arenas where it is not needed and creates an unnecessary and unfair inequality. The business world is a “results oriented” marketplace and the most qualified for the job should be the one awarded the position regardless of the “demographics of society at large.”

I am a white guy. My parents and progenitors came from Jewish, Irish, German and English bloodlines. I do not in my heritage have any Hispanic, Indian or African blood; I am your typical Caucasian. My roots are tied to Europe until the early 1900’s when my ancestors made their lives here in the northern part of the United States. I do not have any sort of identity associated with what makes up my ethnicity, my identity has come from activities and groups that were choices I made and not a predetermined group that was made up of who my relatives were. I know that my demographic of ethnicity is one of a few that does not feel apart of something greater associated with their race; to me I am just white; my identity has become more associated with religion and individual choices I made throughout my life having nothing to do with color or race. Since the time I entered the world of higher education and the workplace it has always been what was on my transcript or resume that earned me my place at the institution or workplace, not that I was a white guy. I had a friend when I was young that was 1/8th Native American (with white parents) and he received a scholarship to college based on that alone, no merit involved. I remember at that young age thinking that was wrong since he and I were almost identical in our situations; middle class families, normal houses in the suburbs, normal grades, both given to that point the same opportunities to succeed…nothing fancy. Why was he singled out when the only difference between him and I was that one of his great grandparents was Native American? The answer is that it wasn’t fair, and isn’t fair today. How many other times does this happen where deference is given where merit has nothing to do with the choice? More often we can see the same thing happen as people throughout our country reap the benefits of unfair programs as society “charges forward to equality.”

I am aware that there still exist racial barriers that are ignorant and biased. Every white person that I know has a story about a grandfather that told racist jokes or talked about people that were different than their own in a negative light. Fortunately those opinions are not reflected in the current generation as a whole. There will come a point soon enough where there will be no living connection to the time of our history that was so ugly and the small, racist minority will not have a presence in the world today; it will only be referenced in our history books. The legislation that enforces programs like Affirmative Action is not written to accept that evolution and will not be as quick to readjust. It is evident that unless you have a connection to an ethnic group/race you could actually be disadvantaged in the marketplace of the education/business world. Does it really matter if my entire organization is white, black or yellow if all those who are a part of it earned their position through their merit and skill? The reality is that most likely it would be a mix if it naturally evolved to where merit and skill was the only dictation of how you received your employment.

Since I brought up the Rooney Rule let’s use the National Football League as an example. The NFL is in the entertainment business and its product is entertainment through watching football. The NFL is not unlike any other business in the free world in that it has a product to sell and success comes from how well they sell that product and for what profit margin. The NFL has people within its organization who are responsible for the many different facets of the product it provides; employees ranging from management to the players. I reiterate, if you look at all the many opportunities for employment within the NFL it is without question very similar in business model to any business out there. One of the positions that are available for employment is that of a running back. If you look at the racial demographic of who plays starting running back for the teams in the league you will see that it is a predominately African American position. Does that mean that we should give the starting role of running back to more white men so that the position reflects the demographics of society at large? Absolutely not, it should be given to who plays the position with the greater speed, skill and ability. If that is true, why do other organizations with business models similar to the NFL’s have to give a portion of its employment to people based on their race? It’s not fair and should be changed.

So, after all of this what do I feel would work? Tweak the programs so that if deference must be given to those considered less fortunate make it based on socio-economic factors instead of ethnicity or race. If someone from an inner-city has demonstrated significant aptitude but whose personal situation would not allow for an otherwise change in circumstance use the resources available for education regardless of race. Get rid of the Rooney Rule all together. Look at the future with enough foresight to know that we are a global community and that eventually the races that exist will be blended together through marriage and procreation so that we will all be a mix of each other. Change the legislation to reflect that future inevitability. Put the onus back on the individual for his success and achievement instead of providing excuses to people for why they fail.

There, I said it. My opinion is published. Since this is not a term paper and I am not a journalist I have not made known the sources to which I got the information that I used. If anyone reads this and would like to know where I got my information I would be glad to share that with them.

Prescott, OUT…

This Guy Is Using A Nail Gun...

"I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase 'the tender mercies of the Lord.' Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men' (D&C46:15)."

David A. Bednar

Hit Right On The Head...

"Good men sometimes make mistakes. A man of integrity will honestly face and correct his mistakes, and that is an example we can respect. Sometimes men try but fail. Not all worthy objectives are realized despiteone's honest and best efforts. True manhood is not always measured by the fruits of one's labors but by the labors themselves-by one's striving."

D. Todd Christofferson

Looking Past What Is Right There...

Notably this will hopefully be one my more pleasant entries. It is a Sunday evening and today has been a good day. I woke this morning to attend church, felt somewhat inspired at what I was able to hear, came home, took a short nap and awaited the return on my wife from a short weekend trip she had taken to see her sister down south. Once Amie got home I was reminded of how it is “not good for man to be alone” and thanked my Heavenly Father for her in a silent prayer. We spoke about what we had done while we were apart and then enjoyed the evening on the couch watching a movie. It has been a good day.

My thoughts have been somewhat scattered and I have thought about writing about a number of things. I guess I’ll start with what’s in the forefront… This weekend while Amie was away I spent some time with my good friend Doug. He always has some drama happening in his life with the lady folk, and this weekend proved to fall in line with that track record. We were discussing his most recent disappointment and I started thinking about things in my own life. His story is not really worth recording; fill in the blanks with every other Doug story: “I wish I weren’t single, why can’t I find the right one?” (I don’t mean to take away from the reality of his struggle but it hasn’t really changed in the past years, always some stupid dame not wanting what he wants out of a relationship while there are some that would be great for him that he wants nothing to do with.) What is worth recording is a conclusion that I have drawn about my own experience trying to return the fold of God.

From the very day that I was excommunicated from the church I looked with great anticipation for the day that I would be allowed to be back in to it. I had held that day as the day of partial restoration of what I had lost and that magically something in me would be switched from what I had become to what I once was. Why I give such credence to what I used to be I don’t know for if I really think about it my testimony and love of the Lord are more grounded than they ever were. In thinking about it I was overlooking the most important thing that the Lord could offer me through baptism; that of forgiveness.

The day that I able to enter the waters of baptism is one of the most important days in my life for the simple and beautiful reason that I will be able to leave in those waters all the my sins and the heartache they have caused. I will take part in the ordinance that symbolizes the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It will be a reality to me that the Lord has forgiven me of everything that I have done that has hurt myself, my family and those around me. The atonement will take effect and allow me to weekly renew that promise that I have to take upon myself the name of Jesus Christ and live accordingly. The old person that had allowed himself to become distant for the Lord will die and I will be white and pure for as long as I choose.

That is so much more important that being able to raise my hand in church and offer a comment or to hold a calling. My sins hurt my own relationship with my Savior and in these past years as I have had to struggle in ways I never thought I would have to I have gained an understanding that I need Him and His love to be happy. I make myself available to such happiness by living in the way He would have me to. My family can be made whole; all the things about my life, my kids, and my eternal salvation will be resolved and answered. The atonement will make me whole.

I can’t make a blog entry without writing about my kids. It has been since the 23rd of December that I have seen them and my heart aches for them. I wonder if they will ever know how much I miss them everyday and how sorry I am that I am not with them. If I am honest I must admit that I think about them all the time, every day. I hope that despite what is happening around them to diminish my role as there father that my prayer will be answered; that prayer is that everyday they think of me and feel in their hearts the love I have for them. I pray that their dreams will take them to me and that they won’t forget the times that we share. I have faith that Heavenly Father blesses them with that gift.

The night beckons, I am looking forward to being able to sleep next to my wife as these past days I have not had that luxury. I’ll write more later…

Lying In Bed Like Bryan Wilson Did...

At first read this seemed a bit too “tide-dye”esque for me, but after a second read I see that it is valuable and has roots in truth. I am making more of an effort to have my blog be more well-rounded. I have no idea who wrote it...

"Feelings vibrate, just as all things in the universe do, at a particular frequency. Negative feelings like anger, guilt, and depression vibrate at low frequencies, while positive feelings like joy, appreciation, and passion vibrate at high frequencies. These high frequency vibrations make us feel good. This is why people and places that inspire and cultivate positive feelings have what we call good vibrations.

Good vibrations inspire health, happiness, and optimism. When we are tuned in to good vibrations, our bodies heal, our hearts open, and our minds shift toward the light. We see new possibilities and feel powerfully energized to follow our inner visions. At the same time, we feel relaxed and capable of manifesting these visions without giving in to stress or struggle. Good vibrations put us in a state of perfect receptivity so that we feel it is the energy flowing through us that accomplishes what needs to be done. We feel guided, supported, protected, and nourished within this joyful flow. We sometimes forget that we are allowed to feel this way all the time.

Lower frequency vibrations are not bad in a moral sense, but they are bad in the sense that they simply don't feel good. Still, they have a purpose, which is to alert us to the fact that we are blocking out the higher frequency vibrations that we need to function well. They are a call for healing ourselves from within. The key to our healing lies in remembering that it is our birthright to feel good and that feeling good is the essence of our true nature. When we are receiving and sending out good vibrations, we are in the flow. When we are not, we can begin to raise our vibration by seeking out people, places, and situations that vibrate at a higher frequency. Whether we need to go on retreat or just call a friend who makes us laugh, seeking out those good vibrations and basking in them is a sacred and loving practice that returns us, time and again, to the joyful flow of the universe."

It's Like, So Dumb...

Sometimes in the fight I wage with the forces that be to have a relationship with my children I find myself kicked while I’m down. I won’t be writing too much today, but I will let the “cut and paste” do the talking. I have continued to have disagreements with my ex-wife about time with the kids and last week became the most drastic. Here following are two letters that were written; one from me to her new husband as a plea for his help and the latter a letter in rebuttal from him. It is so sad that the two sides of this conflict can’t meet in the middle and do what’s best for the kids. I don’t see what happens when they are there and I know (from his letter) that they interpret what has happened while they are here as something other than it really is. It is SO LAME. Here's the first letter:

Kevin,

This is extremely awkward but I write to you to ask for your help. In the past we have spoken and I feel that maybe by communicating to you I might have a better chance of making my desires known and realized for my children. You have proven to be a good man and a voice of reason in past situations and I appreciate your foresight and manner in which you seem to support the relationship I have with my children. As you read this I hope you understand that I am not trying to put you in an awkward situation with Marla but to help things be healthier for all involved. I am sure that you know a different woman that the one that I do and you love her deeply; I appreciate the effect that your love of Marla has on my girls. Please read this with an open mind and consider my request to help me have more time with my girls.

I am sure that Marla has told you of the disagreement that we have faced most recently in regards to time with the girls and has given you her side of things. She asserts that my requests are completely unreasonable to have extended time with them. I am hoping to appeal to you as a father; one who shares parenting time with your former spouse and one who loves his children. I feel confident in assuming that that the reason for the divorce that you had with your ex-wife in no-way reflects the feelings of love and endearment, and the feelings of personal responsibility that you that you have for your children. I have those same feelings for my children and desires to be with them. I do not know what sort of conflict, if any, that you might still have with your ex-wife but I hope that you are not faced with someone that tries to limit the time you have with them. If you are faced with that challenge I am sorry and hope that you would be sensitive to this situation and use any influence you have to help it to change.

I do not write to you to drudge up the past but I do feel it necessary to clue you in on a few things. A few weeks after Catherine was born a large portion of Marla’s family showed up at our house in West Jordan, packed it up and took her back to Oregon. That was a decision that Marla made with her family and felt that was the best place for her to be considering the birth of a new child and the state she was in with our marriage. She told me at that time that she was counting on me missing my family so much that I would run back to her at all costs and bring her back to Utah. Obviously that didn’t happen, not because I didn’t miss my children or family but for other reasons. As time passed Marla became more and more reluctant to be supportive of me having time with the girls. In order to see my children I would have to travel to Oregon, live out of a hotel, eat at fast food restaurants and try to have some sort of normal relationship with my children under those circumstances. In the beginning she wouldn’t let me have any time with Catherine alone; I remember the only time she did was one morning as she went to the gym in Ashland she left her with me for a little over an hour. There was another instance where I paid for Marla to fly to Utah to see her friend Jill; I had Jane for most of that trip but Marla refused to let me have any time alone with Catherine. I had to sit there with a woman to whom I was estranged and try to play nice in front of the kids to be able to see my daughter. She was willing to let babysitters have more time with Catherine than she would me. I played by Marla’s rules because I had to and hoped that one day that Marla would recognize that as their father I wasn’t going anywhere and would respect and support my efforts to be in the life of my kids. She always said that it was because of their ages she didn’t want them around me as much and things would change as they grew older. She had been setting a precedent that she would oppose time I shared with them.

When I first heard about “you” (or the idea of you… Idaho guy, possible move to Boise) I was very happy for Marla. Living with her parents must not have been fun and she had positioned herself that the only financial resources she had (or what she told me) came from me. I hoped for her future and prayed for her; that this could be a great thing for her and my girls. I was also excited to think that my children would only be a half-day journey away instead of the 12 hour trek to Oregon one way. When you and Marla were married (congrats, by the way) I had committed to try to have as much time with the kids as possible with the change in proximity. My first visit to Boise was before you were married and I had to live, once again out of a hotel room (always at my expense, Marla and I share none of the traveling expenses). The time that I took with the girls after your wedding was reluctantly given to me by Marla. I told her I was taking them to Arizona to see my parents and she vehemently opposed, stating that Catherine doesn’t even know me and it’s too much time away from their mom on the girls; a common theme in her rebuttals to me of time requested with the girls. This trip was made to visit my dad, who had two weeks previous undergone a triple by-pass heart surgery; had yet to meet Catherine and wanted desperately to see his granddaughters. After your wedding Marla’s disapproval was minimal to me taking longer weekends with the girls; but it has progressively deteriorated to where she is unwilling to allow anything more than she has to legally. She feels that it is too much adjustment for the girls to spend a Thursday to Tuesday, or even Friday to Monday. I remind you that two of those days are spent traveling. This past week she has told me that she will only allow me to have Friday afternoon to Sunday at 6pm; stating that they need to sleep in their beds in Idaho Sunday night. This is what the state visitation says is the minimum amount of time that I can have with them without having to negotiate. After discussing what that realistically meant for travel time and time with the girls Marla told me to get a hotel and spend the time in Boise. Marla has also removed her original efforts to meet me in Boise and says that I must travel to Emmett to pick up Jane and Catherine, adding an additional hour and a half to an already eleven hour trip. As I have made attempts to have a normal relationship with Jane and Catherine and have them as a part of my family here I have been met with resistance hung on the explanation of “it’s not what’s best for the girls.”

Back to the reason for writing; I am only seeking that a bit of consideration be given to me as I go to considerable distance and effort to have constant and consistent contact with my children. It is not reasonable to think that either living out of a hotel OR two days of traveling for one day of visit is good for Jane and Catherine. The norm should be the more time and access they have to me is better, not vice versa. The situation is a unique one and I feel that having an extra day or two considering the travel time is fair and that the children benefit from their time with me. Please put yourself in my shoes and try to understand both sides of this coin. It is taxing to have my children so far away and under the care of someone who wants them to have nothing to do with me. I am always met with resistance; and I know in there little minds they internalize the conflict they feel between Marla and I. I am sure that if you were in my shoes it would break your heart. I go weeks without seeing Jane and Catherine and them without me. Imagine how that would be; your kids are close enough that you can theoretically see them at your discretion. Since Marla left Utah I have had to chase them around the country, so to speak to be able to have a relationship with them. It has been emotionally draining, heart wrenching and expensive. Through all of this it is Jane and Catherine that are losing out. When they are here they have a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoy being here. They are allowed to miss their home in Idaho and talk freely of it. They feel the love I have for them and know I have not given them up, I have not left them for naught, and I have not consigned them to a life without me. They need this to continue and not to be thwarted. The need to know that it is okay for them to want to be here with me just as it is okay for them to love the family they have in Idaho. I am hopeful we can come to terms with this.

Marla has given me ample evidence to know that her feelings about the girls being here with me have nothing to do with them and what they can handle and more to do with me. She never argues when I assert that she holds a disdain for me as their father and wants me to have no place in their lives. The only time she wants me to make an effort or uses guilt toward me about being a father is when she wants money. Her feelings on what I should have to pay her or do for her are based off of her interpretation of certain aspects of the life I have with my wife and she feels entitled to a portion of that. She is crafty in the way she handles the situation with the girls, doing it in a way so that she can say to herself and others that she never gets in the way of me seeing the girls but does what she can to make it as difficult as possible. This is not good. It is not what is best for the girls and it does them no good to be in the middle of this. I have gone to all lengths to atone to Marla for the mistakes I have made that lead to the dissolution of our marriage, apologized numerous times, written letters and feel that enough is enough. She has said many times that she will never respect me or Amie and I feel that her resistance to the children to be with me is a reflection of that. She is married to you now and has a happy and healthy relationship with her husband; something I didn’t give her. It’s time to be adults and responsible parents about this and move on and for that I ask your help. Children need the influence of both of their parents regardless of whether the parents like each other or not. Considering the uniqueness of this situation and my willingness to travel we need to adopt a more conducive plan for me seeing the girls. It is not good to have them spend two days in a car for one day here, is it? Please answer yourself honestly and consider what I am hoping for. I do not want months at a time, only an additional couple of days every three to four weeks without argument or conflict. Is that unreasonable? Honestly? All I want it to have my kids near me.

Please consider these things and let me know what I can expect. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Bryce
801-xxx-xxx

P.S. Feel free to call me to discuss this manner. If you are unwilling to discuss it and it is a moot point I would appreciate it if you would at least send me some sort of response, text message, return email…so that I know that you received this. This letter is a shot in the dark so hopefully it will lead to a peaceful resolution. Sorry about the length.


And his rebuttal:

Bryce, I do sympathize with your feelings and the desires you express to be with your own daughters. Regardless of that, the situation is what it is now.
I believe the very best thing for the girls right now is to see you in frequent, often, and short visits. So however you want to work that out with Marla, have at it. I must support her as my wife in how she thinks best to handle the visitation.
I recognize that your traveling to see the girls must get a little old- perhaps if you could discuss some options with Marla...?
by the way, I would give anything to have my ex be even HALF as reasonable to work with as Marla is- of all the ex's I see, I think you've got it pretty good. Maybe you could be grateful for that. I REALLY don't think she is trying to harm you or keep you from the girls. She's the one who cries with them when they are hurt and confused and upset because they just spent days and days with a father they barely know. I know it will get better as they see you more and more- so, that's the good news. And they are growing up, handling things better all the time. It's just slow progress.
I'm sure this is hard to hear, you probably don't want to hear these things- it's just the bitter reality right now. I face some hard realities myself, with my kids. But the best thing we can all do to help the girls and make this situation better is to give them more frequent, consistent visits with you. I'll do what I can to help make that happen! Kevin


The division between perception and reality is as big as the Grand Canyon…

(To you girls, Jane and Catherine… hopefully this will all get changed before you realize what is happening. I love you dearly and I am doing everything I can to be with you…I am sorry.)