It's Like, So Dumb...

Sometimes in the fight I wage with the forces that be to have a relationship with my children I find myself kicked while I’m down. I won’t be writing too much today, but I will let the “cut and paste” do the talking. I have continued to have disagreements with my ex-wife about time with the kids and last week became the most drastic. Here following are two letters that were written; one from me to her new husband as a plea for his help and the latter a letter in rebuttal from him. It is so sad that the two sides of this conflict can’t meet in the middle and do what’s best for the kids. I don’t see what happens when they are there and I know (from his letter) that they interpret what has happened while they are here as something other than it really is. It is SO LAME. Here's the first letter:

Kevin,

This is extremely awkward but I write to you to ask for your help. In the past we have spoken and I feel that maybe by communicating to you I might have a better chance of making my desires known and realized for my children. You have proven to be a good man and a voice of reason in past situations and I appreciate your foresight and manner in which you seem to support the relationship I have with my children. As you read this I hope you understand that I am not trying to put you in an awkward situation with Marla but to help things be healthier for all involved. I am sure that you know a different woman that the one that I do and you love her deeply; I appreciate the effect that your love of Marla has on my girls. Please read this with an open mind and consider my request to help me have more time with my girls.

I am sure that Marla has told you of the disagreement that we have faced most recently in regards to time with the girls and has given you her side of things. She asserts that my requests are completely unreasonable to have extended time with them. I am hoping to appeal to you as a father; one who shares parenting time with your former spouse and one who loves his children. I feel confident in assuming that that the reason for the divorce that you had with your ex-wife in no-way reflects the feelings of love and endearment, and the feelings of personal responsibility that you that you have for your children. I have those same feelings for my children and desires to be with them. I do not know what sort of conflict, if any, that you might still have with your ex-wife but I hope that you are not faced with someone that tries to limit the time you have with them. If you are faced with that challenge I am sorry and hope that you would be sensitive to this situation and use any influence you have to help it to change.

I do not write to you to drudge up the past but I do feel it necessary to clue you in on a few things. A few weeks after Catherine was born a large portion of Marla’s family showed up at our house in West Jordan, packed it up and took her back to Oregon. That was a decision that Marla made with her family and felt that was the best place for her to be considering the birth of a new child and the state she was in with our marriage. She told me at that time that she was counting on me missing my family so much that I would run back to her at all costs and bring her back to Utah. Obviously that didn’t happen, not because I didn’t miss my children or family but for other reasons. As time passed Marla became more and more reluctant to be supportive of me having time with the girls. In order to see my children I would have to travel to Oregon, live out of a hotel, eat at fast food restaurants and try to have some sort of normal relationship with my children under those circumstances. In the beginning she wouldn’t let me have any time with Catherine alone; I remember the only time she did was one morning as she went to the gym in Ashland she left her with me for a little over an hour. There was another instance where I paid for Marla to fly to Utah to see her friend Jill; I had Jane for most of that trip but Marla refused to let me have any time alone with Catherine. I had to sit there with a woman to whom I was estranged and try to play nice in front of the kids to be able to see my daughter. She was willing to let babysitters have more time with Catherine than she would me. I played by Marla’s rules because I had to and hoped that one day that Marla would recognize that as their father I wasn’t going anywhere and would respect and support my efforts to be in the life of my kids. She always said that it was because of their ages she didn’t want them around me as much and things would change as they grew older. She had been setting a precedent that she would oppose time I shared with them.

When I first heard about “you” (or the idea of you… Idaho guy, possible move to Boise) I was very happy for Marla. Living with her parents must not have been fun and she had positioned herself that the only financial resources she had (or what she told me) came from me. I hoped for her future and prayed for her; that this could be a great thing for her and my girls. I was also excited to think that my children would only be a half-day journey away instead of the 12 hour trek to Oregon one way. When you and Marla were married (congrats, by the way) I had committed to try to have as much time with the kids as possible with the change in proximity. My first visit to Boise was before you were married and I had to live, once again out of a hotel room (always at my expense, Marla and I share none of the traveling expenses). The time that I took with the girls after your wedding was reluctantly given to me by Marla. I told her I was taking them to Arizona to see my parents and she vehemently opposed, stating that Catherine doesn’t even know me and it’s too much time away from their mom on the girls; a common theme in her rebuttals to me of time requested with the girls. This trip was made to visit my dad, who had two weeks previous undergone a triple by-pass heart surgery; had yet to meet Catherine and wanted desperately to see his granddaughters. After your wedding Marla’s disapproval was minimal to me taking longer weekends with the girls; but it has progressively deteriorated to where she is unwilling to allow anything more than she has to legally. She feels that it is too much adjustment for the girls to spend a Thursday to Tuesday, or even Friday to Monday. I remind you that two of those days are spent traveling. This past week she has told me that she will only allow me to have Friday afternoon to Sunday at 6pm; stating that they need to sleep in their beds in Idaho Sunday night. This is what the state visitation says is the minimum amount of time that I can have with them without having to negotiate. After discussing what that realistically meant for travel time and time with the girls Marla told me to get a hotel and spend the time in Boise. Marla has also removed her original efforts to meet me in Boise and says that I must travel to Emmett to pick up Jane and Catherine, adding an additional hour and a half to an already eleven hour trip. As I have made attempts to have a normal relationship with Jane and Catherine and have them as a part of my family here I have been met with resistance hung on the explanation of “it’s not what’s best for the girls.”

Back to the reason for writing; I am only seeking that a bit of consideration be given to me as I go to considerable distance and effort to have constant and consistent contact with my children. It is not reasonable to think that either living out of a hotel OR two days of traveling for one day of visit is good for Jane and Catherine. The norm should be the more time and access they have to me is better, not vice versa. The situation is a unique one and I feel that having an extra day or two considering the travel time is fair and that the children benefit from their time with me. Please put yourself in my shoes and try to understand both sides of this coin. It is taxing to have my children so far away and under the care of someone who wants them to have nothing to do with me. I am always met with resistance; and I know in there little minds they internalize the conflict they feel between Marla and I. I am sure that if you were in my shoes it would break your heart. I go weeks without seeing Jane and Catherine and them without me. Imagine how that would be; your kids are close enough that you can theoretically see them at your discretion. Since Marla left Utah I have had to chase them around the country, so to speak to be able to have a relationship with them. It has been emotionally draining, heart wrenching and expensive. Through all of this it is Jane and Catherine that are losing out. When they are here they have a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoy being here. They are allowed to miss their home in Idaho and talk freely of it. They feel the love I have for them and know I have not given them up, I have not left them for naught, and I have not consigned them to a life without me. They need this to continue and not to be thwarted. The need to know that it is okay for them to want to be here with me just as it is okay for them to love the family they have in Idaho. I am hopeful we can come to terms with this.

Marla has given me ample evidence to know that her feelings about the girls being here with me have nothing to do with them and what they can handle and more to do with me. She never argues when I assert that she holds a disdain for me as their father and wants me to have no place in their lives. The only time she wants me to make an effort or uses guilt toward me about being a father is when she wants money. Her feelings on what I should have to pay her or do for her are based off of her interpretation of certain aspects of the life I have with my wife and she feels entitled to a portion of that. She is crafty in the way she handles the situation with the girls, doing it in a way so that she can say to herself and others that she never gets in the way of me seeing the girls but does what she can to make it as difficult as possible. This is not good. It is not what is best for the girls and it does them no good to be in the middle of this. I have gone to all lengths to atone to Marla for the mistakes I have made that lead to the dissolution of our marriage, apologized numerous times, written letters and feel that enough is enough. She has said many times that she will never respect me or Amie and I feel that her resistance to the children to be with me is a reflection of that. She is married to you now and has a happy and healthy relationship with her husband; something I didn’t give her. It’s time to be adults and responsible parents about this and move on and for that I ask your help. Children need the influence of both of their parents regardless of whether the parents like each other or not. Considering the uniqueness of this situation and my willingness to travel we need to adopt a more conducive plan for me seeing the girls. It is not good to have them spend two days in a car for one day here, is it? Please answer yourself honestly and consider what I am hoping for. I do not want months at a time, only an additional couple of days every three to four weeks without argument or conflict. Is that unreasonable? Honestly? All I want it to have my kids near me.

Please consider these things and let me know what I can expect. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Bryce
801-xxx-xxx

P.S. Feel free to call me to discuss this manner. If you are unwilling to discuss it and it is a moot point I would appreciate it if you would at least send me some sort of response, text message, return email…so that I know that you received this. This letter is a shot in the dark so hopefully it will lead to a peaceful resolution. Sorry about the length.


And his rebuttal:

Bryce, I do sympathize with your feelings and the desires you express to be with your own daughters. Regardless of that, the situation is what it is now.
I believe the very best thing for the girls right now is to see you in frequent, often, and short visits. So however you want to work that out with Marla, have at it. I must support her as my wife in how she thinks best to handle the visitation.
I recognize that your traveling to see the girls must get a little old- perhaps if you could discuss some options with Marla...?
by the way, I would give anything to have my ex be even HALF as reasonable to work with as Marla is- of all the ex's I see, I think you've got it pretty good. Maybe you could be grateful for that. I REALLY don't think she is trying to harm you or keep you from the girls. She's the one who cries with them when they are hurt and confused and upset because they just spent days and days with a father they barely know. I know it will get better as they see you more and more- so, that's the good news. And they are growing up, handling things better all the time. It's just slow progress.
I'm sure this is hard to hear, you probably don't want to hear these things- it's just the bitter reality right now. I face some hard realities myself, with my kids. But the best thing we can all do to help the girls and make this situation better is to give them more frequent, consistent visits with you. I'll do what I can to help make that happen! Kevin


The division between perception and reality is as big as the Grand Canyon…

(To you girls, Jane and Catherine… hopefully this will all get changed before you realize what is happening. I love you dearly and I am doing everything I can to be with you…I am sorry.)