Notably this will hopefully be one my more pleasant entries. It is a Sunday evening and today has been a good day. I woke this morning to attend church, felt somewhat inspired at what I was able to hear, came home, took a short nap and awaited the return on my wife from a short weekend trip she had taken to see her sister down south. Once Amie got home I was reminded of how it is “not good for man to be alone” and thanked my Heavenly Father for her in a silent prayer. We spoke about what we had done while we were apart and then enjoyed the evening on the couch watching a movie. It has been a good day.
My thoughts have been somewhat scattered and I have thought about writing about a number of things. I guess I’ll start with what’s in the forefront… This weekend while Amie was away I spent some time with my good friend Doug. He always has some drama happening in his life with the lady folk, and this weekend proved to fall in line with that track record. We were discussing his most recent disappointment and I started thinking about things in my own life. His story is not really worth recording; fill in the blanks with every other Doug story: “I wish I weren’t single, why can’t I find the right one?” (I don’t mean to take away from the reality of his struggle but it hasn’t really changed in the past years, always some stupid dame not wanting what he wants out of a relationship while there are some that would be great for him that he wants nothing to do with.) What is worth recording is a conclusion that I have drawn about my own experience trying to return the fold of God.
From the very day that I was excommunicated from the church I looked with great anticipation for the day that I would be allowed to be back in to it. I had held that day as the day of partial restoration of what I had lost and that magically something in me would be switched from what I had become to what I once was. Why I give such credence to what I used to be I don’t know for if I really think about it my testimony and love of the Lord are more grounded than they ever were. In thinking about it I was overlooking the most important thing that the Lord could offer me through baptism; that of forgiveness.
The day that I able to enter the waters of baptism is one of the most important days in my life for the simple and beautiful reason that I will be able to leave in those waters all the my sins and the heartache they have caused. I will take part in the ordinance that symbolizes the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It will be a reality to me that the Lord has forgiven me of everything that I have done that has hurt myself, my family and those around me. The atonement will take effect and allow me to weekly renew that promise that I have to take upon myself the name of Jesus Christ and live accordingly. The old person that had allowed himself to become distant for the Lord will die and I will be white and pure for as long as I choose.
That is so much more important that being able to raise my hand in church and offer a comment or to hold a calling. My sins hurt my own relationship with my Savior and in these past years as I have had to struggle in ways I never thought I would have to I have gained an understanding that I need Him and His love to be happy. I make myself available to such happiness by living in the way He would have me to. My family can be made whole; all the things about my life, my kids, and my eternal salvation will be resolved and answered. The atonement will make me whole.
I can’t make a blog entry without writing about my kids. It has been since the 23rd of December that I have seen them and my heart aches for them. I wonder if they will ever know how much I miss them everyday and how sorry I am that I am not with them. If I am honest I must admit that I think about them all the time, every day. I hope that despite what is happening around them to diminish my role as there father that my prayer will be answered; that prayer is that everyday they think of me and feel in their hearts the love I have for them. I pray that their dreams will take them to me and that they won’t forget the times that we share. I have faith that Heavenly Father blesses them with that gift.
The night beckons, I am looking forward to being able to sleep next to my wife as these past days I have not had that luxury. I’ll write more later…
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