The Wintry Day, Descending To Its Close...

What a week. I cannot let much time pass before I write this entry; I must allow the thoughts and feelings of my heart be kept fresh so that I can recount them here adequately. This past week represents years worth of resolution culminated into one wonderful evening…

It has been no secret to anyone that reads this blog with any regularity that the past three and a half years have been at times challenging. I have expressed here my love for my wife, my children and a testimony in Jesus Christ as my redeemer and Savior. I have expressed confusion, concern, certainty and excitement for the trials of life and the abundance to which my life has been blessed. Throughout all of this was a narrative of the efforts I have made to be able to join the Lord’s church again after having been removed from it through excommunication. Countless Bishop’s interviews, prayers, tears, fits of anger and rage underlined by my desire to make right what was wrong and to start over have outlined the pages here. I didn’t know when the journey would be over as far as the road to rebaptism but I felt in my heart one day it would be. I am grateful to say that the road that I travel now is not that road; last night that trial ended for me.

I met last Sunday with my Stake President, President Fred Burton. After having had regular contact with my Bishop in the past year detailing to him by behavior and words my feelings towards the church and gospel he felt that the time had come for the next step in the path to rebaptism; to meet with Pres. Burton. Last Sunday’s interview was the second of my interviews with him and this time things were a lot more in depth regarding the reasons for my dismissal from the Lord’s church and the improprieties to which at that time I had involved myself in. It was a very arduous discussion for it involved recounting of sins that I have far since removed myself from and a reliving of sorts of that time in my life. We discussed the interpretation that was given by former spouse of what happened and why our marriage failed; we discussed the differences between her account and mine; we discussed what happened and why Amie and I ultimately chose to be married and the manner in which we have lived our lives since that time. Overall the meeting was very unsettling because the feeling that accompanied me as I left there was not one of confidence that things were resolved enough to move on and be able to rejoin the church. Regardless of my feelings, Pres. Burton had decided that he would reconvene the disciplinary council Sunday, December 30, 2007 to decide whether or not it was the right time for me to be reinstated and join the church again through baptism.

This last week was horrible in a lot of ways. Leaving that meeting an anger and hurt settled over me that consumed me in its entirety. I looked at everything about my life with hurt and disgust; nothing had gone my way, nothing was good enough, there was a lot lacking to get me to be “happy” and I felt rejected by everything thing and everyone that was important to me. Amie and I even had a horrible fight; one which I started and take full responsibility for in which I picked on her for not being what I thought she should be. I slept very little that night, mulling over in my mind the “injustices” of life and feeling sorry for myself. When the dawn came it was Christmas Eve and I didn’t want to have the feelings of the night last into the day; I confronted Amie about my feelings (or she pulled them out of me, can’t remember) and ended up having one of the most pronounced breakdowns of my life. I felt crazy, balling my head off in the shower and having my loving wife look at me from beyond the glass with an endearing face yet seemingly hiding a fear that she was married to a crazy person. I promised her that I would not allow the day to continue that way and we had a better day. Same for Christmas day… we were surrounded by family so my thoughts and demons were held at bay for yet another day. Day after Christmas I was travelling, I drove to Boise to get my kids so another day was filled full of business to where I wasn’t bothered by the demons. Thursday came, I called Pres. Burton to make sure that I understood his intentions and he confirmed them that Sunday there would be a council and that it would decide at that time what was to be. Friday my Parents showed up and in talking to them I kept getting more and more discouraged; not by anything they were saying but by that if I really wasn’t allowed to be rebaptized I wasn’t ready for that kind of rejection. I feared my own reaction that I would abandon what I had known and go off the deep end. This whole experience has been so taxing, trying to live a gospel centered life but not being able to partake in any of the things that give you the strength to do it. I thought to myself that if I wasn’t ready now to be a member then I never would be; I might as well take the break that I hear so many ex’d people take.

That was the permeating feeling throughout Saturday and heading into Sunday morning. I arrived at the church at about ten minutes to 8 am and was promptly introduced to a room full of men that were there in a way to decide my fate. I had done my part up to this point now it was theirs. I sat there and shared my feelings, fielded questions, shared my testimony and then was escorted out of the room for them to discuss candidly what should happen. My Bishop was there to support me; he and I shared small talk outside that room for ten minutes, then twenty, thirty, forty five… what seemed like forever. Since it was taking such a long time the Bishop and I concurred that what was happening was that they were deciding on a list of things for me to do before I could be reinstated; what a horrible feeling. The door opened up and we were invited back into the room to be told that the council’s decision was that there was nothing more short of a judge’s ruling that could change the unresolved details of my situation with my former spouse, my efforts had been sufficient to demonstrate fruit meet for repentance and that the time was now for me to be reinstated.

What a flood of emotion came over me. I felt such joy at that declaration and listened intently at each bullet of council that President Burton gave me to live by. I wept thoroughly as I felt a release in my body that was consuming. I pondered how long it had been and what a great renewal this new year will be…

My baptism was last night at 6 pm. The ordinance itself was very quick, but afterward I stood in my father’s arms weeping from gratitude that my Heavenly Father hadn’t lost hope on me. I felt so clean, pure… I kept thinking about how grateful I am that my children and wife were able to see me get baptized and to show them an outward manifestation of my inner testimony. The room was very peaceful and emotions were displayed by all in attendance, a testimony what love our Heavenly Father has for us. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit there confirming my feelings of peace, forgiveness and renewal. It was wonderful. Some of the other details are my father performed both ordinances of baptism and confirmation. Chris Groneman gave a talk on baptism referencing Romans chapter 6 and spoke of the death of an old life and the birth of a new. He expressed gratitude to me for the influence I have had on him and his decision to serve a mission. Chad Williams gave the talk on the Holy Ghost and shared a heartfelt testimony of the effect the Holy Ghost has had in his life, more specifically when their son Nixon was to have a skull reconstruction surgery. Bishop Hawkins shared his testimony, and then I took a moment to share mine. I shared my love for my family, my wife and kids and the great love I have for all the close friends that were with me in that room. I expressed the certainty that Jesus Christ is real and that he really died for us. The closing hymn was my favorite hymn, #37 “The Wintry Day Descending to Its Close” and then we ended the evening with most of the attendees coming to the house to enjoy each other’s company and to be together.

The most beautiful thing that I am experiencing from all of this is the quiet I feel in my own head. I had it explained to me once that the difference after rebaptism is like you’ve been living with an annoying commercial on the television of the background blaring while you try to go about your life and with rebaptism comes the muting of that noise. I know what that means. I feel so calm and at ease about life and what’s in store for me and my family. I feel truly forgiven for the misdeeds of the past years and feel that all that I have lost I can reclaim. I have such a hope for the coming year that I smile when I think about it. I love my life, my family, and my kids, all of it. I understand more fully what the atonement can do for you and feel the desire to never deviate my actions to the point where this calm leaves me again. What a great time of year to have this happen! I am the most blessed man on the earth (or at least it feels that way!!).

So the New Year for me is started with renewal… I hope anyone who reads this is offered the same…

Just because, here are the words to my favorite hymn:

The Wintry Day, Descending to Its Close, no. 37

The wintry day, descending to its close invites all wearied nature to repose,And shades of night are falling dense and fast like sable curtains closing o’er the past.Pale through the gloom the newly fallen snow wraps in a shroud the silent earth below,As tho ’twere mercy’s hand had spread the pall a symbol of forgiveness unto all.

I cannot go to rest, but linger still in meditation at my window sill,While, like the twinkling stars in heaven’s dome come one by one sweet memories of home.And wouldst thou ask me where my fancy roves to reproduce the happy scenes it loves,Where hope and memory together dwell and paint the pictured beauties that I tell?

Away beyond the prairies of the West where exiled Saints in solitude were blest,Where industry the seal of wealth has set amid the peaceful vales of Deseret,Unheeding still the fiercest blasts that blow, with tops encrusted by eternal snow,The tow’ring peaks that shield the tender sod stand, types of freedom reared by nature’s God.

The wilderness, that naught before would yield is now become a fertile, fruitful field.Where roamed at will the fearless Indian band the templed cities of the Saints now stand.And sweet religion in its purity invites all men to its security.There is my home, the spot I love so well, whose worth and beauty pen nor tongue can tell.

Text: Orson F. Whitney, 1855–1931
Music: Edward P. Kimball, 1882–1937

Where Have I Been?

Back in the saddle… Today is Sunday, December 9, 2007. I haven’t written in a while but that doesn’t really matter; I am going to write today. I just got home from church and it was a very gratifying set of meetings. I went alone today; Amie has come down with a combo of the stomach flu and a cold, Dorian was at Matt’s today (as usual) and I didn’t want stay home. Even though I don’t like attending by myself I am glad that I went.

We had a change in the Elder’s Quorum today. The outgoing president had only been there since the ward split, which is about a year and a half. The new president is a good man and this will be his third go and being president of an Elder’s quorum. Not that a change was needed, it will be a change that I am sure will be an inspired one. I also spoke briefly with the Bishop today… We are very close to my return to the fold. After my last interview with the Stake president, he and the bishop have discussed my readiness and it looks like by the end of the month it should happen. I became very emotional as the bishop told me these things, it felt like it was for real and not one of the times like the past where I was told one thing to not have it play out that way. One of the talks today in sacrament referenced "the Lord’s time" and I guess that is what I have been waiting for…

I haven’t written in a while and a lot has happened. Halloween was a very fun weekend. I had the girls here and we also hosted a Halloween party that was an absolute blast. On Halloween night Amie and I dressed up in costume and took the kids trick or treating and then came home and watched a scary movie. The girls were adorable in their costumes as Belle and Dora the Explorer, and Dorian was a very convincing Jack Sparrow (with his super dark eyes he pulls that off very well). I went as Buddy the Elf and Amie was a female version of the Devil (is there another type? HA). Our costumes were so convincing that we even won best costume at the Envision Halloween party. Before my marriage to Amie I never really got into the holiday that much, now it’s on the calendar and next year's costume is already on the mind.

Thanksgiving then came around... I had the girls again, this time for ten days. It was so great to have them here as it is always such a blessing. I have written this before but I reiterate how easy life seems to be when I have them close to me. They both have such cute personalities and I love them so very much; and they show so freely their love back to me. I wish they lived with me… Anyway, it was quite the family affair for the week. My parents came to town and stayed with us, Dennis and Megan and their family passed through town, my mom’s parents came down from Missoula, MT to spend some time with us as well. The last time I had so much family around me was the Yellowstone trip three and a half years ago. This time the circumstances were different and it was a very happy and loving experience. It was nice for my grandparents to meet Amie; they expressed the rave reviews she has received from Scott and Lynn and said that they had to meet her for themselves. We had a full house for most of the week with visitors in and out from all my family, Amie's local family, Amie's out of town family, they were everywhere. Amie does such a great job as a host that it baffles me. She is so elegant and easy to be around that people just flock to her. I feel such a grateful sigh as I think of how things are with her as my wife. I really love her and what she means to me. It was also great to have my kids be able to spend a lot of time with my parents. My mom and dad get daily, if not weekly time with their other grandchildren and they only get to see mine if the planets align themselves. Both Mom and Dad have said multiple times how wonderful it was to spend time with them (the girls)and us for Thanksgiving. I told my mom that I would have them the week after Christmas as well and it looks like they will be coming to visit again at that point. I am so glad to have my parents have a part in the life of my kids. It cannot be discounted how important that is.

Today is a good day, I will write more later…