Here I Walk...

The Next Two...

2008-02-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

I have written but not posted in a while. The following two are about two completely different subjects but nonetheless from me. It was a good Sabbath...

Random Post #1 (Solemn Day For Us That Loved This Great Man...)

2008-02-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since I last wrote. It was an eventful January and it has continued into February. I write this on Sunday, February 10, 2008 and am enjoying sitting with my wife while we watch some television and recap the week. One of the major milestones that I feel like recording is the passing of President Gordon B. Hinckley.

Two weeks ago to the day I was sitting on my couch and I received a text message from my friend Doug. It was about 8 o’clock and his message said “we have a new prophet.” I texted back a response along the lines of “huh?” and then he replied that President Hinckley has passed away earlier that evening. I immediately tried to log on to ksl.com to see if what he had said was true and the site wasn’t working. I later found out it was because it was being inundated with traffic for people trying to find out the same thing that I was. I logged on to the website of a competitor of KSL and saw the notice and story of how he had passed away at about 7pm that night and it was because of symptoms relating to his age. It seemed surreal to me that he would die; I honestly could not see a time when the church wouldn’t be led by him. He seemed almost iconic with the way that he led the church. He was the prophet for the majority of the time that I can say that had a testimony and it was quite a shock to hear of his passing.

It wasn’t until later that night that I found myself emotional over his passing. When I was a child the prophet was Ezra Taft Benson. The prophet that gave me my mission call was Howard W. Hunter. But President Hinckley was always present throughout the presidencies of both of those men and I can honestly say that I remember him more than any of the other president of the church. He was always a source for guidance and light; he was and is important to my development as a member of the church. I love him and am grateful for his influence in my life. All of that came to the surface as I pondered that the church would now be without Gordon Hinckley the man and the mantle of Prophet would pass to another. I found that for a short week I was curious to how my heart would embrace President Monson after he was sustained as the new President of the church. I watched the funeral proceedings of President Hinckley and was deeply touched by the countless expressions of love and gratitude for what he did for all mankind as he was here on the earth. I wept as I listened to his daughter share the personal side of his emotions and health after the passing of his wife Marjorie years ago. I connected in my heart once again that a willing man plus the mantle equals an inspired servant. I rejoiced silently for him and the reunion he was experiencing with his sweet wife. All is well.

A few days later was the press conference announcing to the world President Thomas S. Monson as the new prophet and new president of the church. He (the Lord) chose President Henry B. Erying and President Deter F. Uchtdorf to be his counselors. He answered questions about his feelings and the direction he would take the church. I loved that this his response was that he had served with Gordon B. Hinckley for 44 years and that he wasn’t going to depart much from the course President Hinckley had trod; the doctrine was constant. What a testament to the unity of those brethren!! I saw in him the same prophetic mantle and felt the same Spirit remind my soul that the man only holds what God will allow him to, and that has passed to this man, Thomas S. Monson. On top of that, I guess the work rolls on.

I will share more of my thoughts about this at a later time...

Random Post #2 (Pretty Boy Floyd vs. the World... Really...)

2008-02-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

This is going to be another one of those entries that I write that is along the lines of a commentary about some certain opinion I have. Ever since the Super Bowl a few weeks ago I have been thinking about the state of sports as they are and have been; forming an afterthought that I would like to share here. Whether it is the steroid issue in baseball, the spying accusations against the New England Patriots, the fall from grace for Marion Jones the exposure of cheating in sports is at an all time high. To be a child athlete nowadays must be rough; trying to find someone that you can look up to as a sports figure is challenging at it's best. I open this entry with that lead-in as I have been contemplating perfection in sports and what it means for the legacy of competition.

A few weeks ago (December 8, 2008) I watched a boxing match where two unbeatens faced off to have one of them leave the match with one loss. The Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Ricky Hatton fight was an interesting spectacle in that both fighters were meeting in the latter part of their careers and both had never been beaten. Mayweather was 38-0 and Hatton was 43-0 entering that fight; numbers that reflect that they have seen a slew of opponents, styles, and beatings in their professional career. It is not unheard of for boxers to be undefeated, but with that many wins under thier belt it is quite an accomplishment. Mayweather added another victory making his record 39-0; and the road to that record has been what is most impressive. Floyd Mayweather throughout his run has held title belts for five weight classes and have 25 knockouts in his 39 wins. He has given hope to the viability of boxing as he has broken records for Pay-Per-View numbers, set records for the most revenue from his fights and became something that no one since Sugar Ray Leonard has done; be a marketable boxer that crosses the lines of the sport to other genres. Two fights ago as he fought Oscar De La Hoya and beat him by split decision lasting the entire 12 rounds and is slated to rematch that fight this September. He has become something that no other team/athlete in recent memory has been; unequivocally perfect without accusation of cheating.

My afterthought is this: After his fight with Oscar De La Hoya he said he was going to retire. Ricky Hatton called him out so he came out of retirement to fight him. He said after the Hatton victory that he was retiring from the sport to focus on promoting boxing, where the real money is (side note: Mayweather took home about 25 million from the De La Hoya fight, and De La Hoya who was the promoter reportedly took home 180 million since his company, Golden Boy Promotions promoted the fight... WOW, not bad for a LOSS). This month Oscar came knocking again wanting a rematch so he is once again coming out of retirement to fight. Floyd Mayweather should stick with his original claim and remain retired. Boxing is one of the few sports where it is so highly regulated that it is near impossible to cheat. The athletes are tested for substances that could alter their ability to perform, they are required to maintain a weight that must fall within their class (a window of between 5-8 lbs. depending on their class) and on top of that, if they last the entire match with their opponent the fight is decided on who fought a better fight. To win in boxing there aren't many ways to do it other than to be better and want it more than your opponent. I say in our current state in sports where everything that we thought was good and fair has been exposed as a lie and cheat Floyd needs to save all of sports and give us something to see that is possible without cheating; perfection. Had the Patriots finished their run it wouldn’t be such a big deal but since they didn’t and their integrity is in question we are left to Floyd to save us…God help us.

There is a reason no boxer makes it their entire career without at least one loss. The lure of money, fame and then the constant nagging of their own ego telling them that no one can beat them ultimately catches up to them as youth beat them to a loss. Floyd will still fight I am sure of it and who knows, he still has the skills and talent to beat the best in his sport hence the reason for his undefeated record. His only real competition right now is a boxer named Miguel Cotto; he has an undefeated record of 31-0 currently but isn’t enough of a money draw for Floyd to waste his time fighting him. Hopefully for those of us that enjoy the history side of accomplishment in sports he will hang it up before he has a -1 on the end of his record.

Anyway, that’s it. Prescott out...

The Wintry Day, Descending To Its Close...

2007-12-31T13:50:00.000-08:00

What a week. I cannot let much time pass before I write this entry; I must allow the thoughts and feelings of my heart be kept fresh so that I can recount them here adequately. This past week represents years worth of resolution culminated into one wonderful evening…

It has been no secret to anyone that reads this blog with any regularity that the past three and a half years have been at times challenging. I have expressed here my love for my wife, my children and a testimony in Jesus Christ as my redeemer and Savior. I have expressed confusion, concern, certainty and excitement for the trials of life and the abundance to which my life has been blessed. Throughout all of this was a narrative of the efforts I have made to be able to join the Lord’s church again after having been removed from it through excommunication. Countless Bishop’s interviews, prayers, tears, fits of anger and rage underlined by my desire to make right what was wrong and to start over have outlined the pages here. I didn’t know when the journey would be over as far as the road to rebaptism but I felt in my heart one day it would be. I am grateful to say that the road that I travel now is not that road; last night that trial ended for me.

I met last Sunday with my Stake President, President Fred Burton. After having had regular contact with my Bishop in the past year detailing to him by behavior and words my feelings towards the church and gospel he felt that the time had come for the next step in the path to rebaptism; to meet with Pres. Burton. Last Sunday’s interview was the second of my interviews with him and this time things were a lot more in depth regarding the reasons for my dismissal from the Lord’s church and the improprieties to which at that time I had involved myself in. It was a very arduous discussion for it involved recounting of sins that I have far since removed myself from and a reliving of sorts of that time in my life. We discussed the interpretation that was given by former spouse of what happened and why our marriage failed; we discussed the differences between her account and mine; we discussed what happened and why Amie and I ultimately chose to be married and the manner in which we have lived our lives since that time. Overall the meeting was very unsettling because the feeling that accompanied me as I left there was not one of confidence that things were resolved enough to move on and be able to rejoin the church. Regardless of my feelings, Pres. Burton had decided that he would reconvene the disciplinary council Sunday, December 30, 2007 to decide whether or not it was the right time for me to be reinstated and join the church again through baptism.

This last week was horrible in a lot of ways. Leaving that meeting an anger and hurt settled over me that consumed me in its entirety. I looked at everything about my life with hurt and disgust; nothing had gone my way, nothing was good enough, there was a lot lacking to get me to be “happy” and I felt rejected by everything thing and everyone that was important to me. Amie and I even had a horrible fight; one which I started and take full responsibility for in which I picked on her for not being what I thought she should be. I slept very little that night, mulling over in my mind the “injustices” of life and feeling sorry for myself. When the dawn came it was Christmas Eve and I didn’t want to have the feelings of the night last into the day; I confronted Amie about my feelings (or she pulled them out of me, can’t remember) and ended up having one of the most pronounced breakdowns of my life. I felt crazy, balling my head off in the shower and having my loving wife look at me from beyond the glass with an endearing face yet seemingly hiding a fear that she was married to a crazy person. I promised her that I would not allow the day to continue that way and we had a better day. Same for Christmas day… we were surrounded by family so my thoughts and demons were held at bay for yet another day. Day after Christmas I was travelling, I drove to Boise to get my kids so another day was filled full of business to where I wasn’t bothered by the demons. Thursday came, I called Pres. Burton to make sure that I understood his intentions and he confirmed them that Sunday there would be a council and that it would decide at that time what was to be. Friday my Parents showed up and in talking to them I kept getting more and more discouraged; not by anything they were saying but by that if I really wasn’t allowed to be rebaptized I wasn’t ready for that kind of rejection. I feared my own reaction that I would abandon what I had known and go off the deep end. This whole experience has been so taxing, trying to live a gospel centered life but not being able to partake in any of the things that give you the strength to do it. I thought to myself that if I wasn’t ready now to be a member then I never would be; I might as well take the break that I hear so many ex’d people take.

That was the permeating feeling throughout Saturday and heading into Sunday morning. I arrived at the church at about ten minutes to 8 am and was promptly introduced to a room full of men that were there in a way to decide my fate. I had done my part up to this point now it was theirs. I sat there and shared my feelings, fielded questions, shared my testimony and then was escorted out of the room for them to discuss candidly what should happen. My Bishop was there to support me; he and I shared small talk outside that room for ten minutes, then twenty, thirty, forty five… what seemed like forever. Since it was taking such a long time the Bishop and I concurred that what was happening was that they were deciding on a list of things for me to do before I could be reinstated; what a horrible feeling. The door opened up and we were invited back into the room to be told that the council’s decision was that there was nothing more short of a judge’s ruling that could change the unresolved details of my situation with my former spouse, my efforts had been sufficient to demonstrate fruit meet for repentance and that the time was now for me to be reinstated.

What a flood of emotion came over me. I felt such joy at that declaration and listened intently at each bullet of council that President Burton gave me to live by. I wept thoroughly as I felt a release in my body that was consuming. I pondered how long it had been and what a great renewal this new year will be…

My baptism was last night at 6 pm. The ordinance itself was very quick, but afterward I stood in my father’s arms weeping from gratitude that my Heavenly Father hadn’t lost hope on me. I felt so clean, pure… I kept thinking about how grateful I am that my children and wife were able to see me get baptized and to show them an outward manifestation of my inner testimony. The room was very peaceful and emotions were displayed by all in attendance, a testimony what love our Heavenly Father has for us. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit there confirming my feelings of peace, forgiveness and renewal. It was wonderful. Some of the other details are my father performed both ordinances of baptism and confirmation. Chris Groneman gave a talk on baptism referencing Romans chapter 6 and spoke of the death of an old life and the birth of a new. He expressed gratitude to me for the influence I have had on him and his decision to serve a mission. Chad Williams gave the talk on the Holy Ghost and shared a heartfelt testimony of the effect the Holy Ghost has had in his life, more specifically when their son Nixon was to have a skull reconstruction surgery. Bishop Hawkins shared his testimony, and then I took a moment to share mine. I shared my love for my family, my wife and kids and the great love I have for all the close friends that were with me in that room. I expressed the certainty that Jesus Christ is real and that he really died for us. The closing hymn was my favorite hymn, #37 “The Wintry Day Descending to Its Close” and then we ended the evening with most of the attendees coming to the house to enjoy each other’s company and to be together.

The most beautiful thing that I am experiencing from all of this is the quiet I feel in my own head. I had it explained to me once that the difference after rebaptism is like you’ve been living with an annoying commercial on the television of the background blaring while you try to go about your life and with rebaptism comes the muting of that noise. I know what that means. I feel so calm and at ease about life and what’s in store for me and my family. I feel truly forgiven for the misdeeds of the past years and feel that all that I have lost I can reclaim. I have such a hope for the coming year that I smile when I think about it. I love my life, my family, and my kids, all of it. I understand more fully what the atonement can do for you and feel the desire to never deviate my actions to the point where this calm leaves me again. What a great time of year to have this happen! I am the most blessed man on the earth (or at least it feels that way!!).

So the New Year for me is started with renewal… I hope anyone who reads this is offered the same…

Just because, here are the words to my favorite hymn:

The Wintry Day, Descending to Its Close, no. 37

The wintry day, descending to its close invites all wearied nature to repose,And shades of night are falling dense and fast like sable curtains closing o’er the past.Pale through the gloom the newly fallen snow wraps in a shroud the silent earth below,As tho ’twere mercy’s hand had spread the pall a symbol of forgiveness unto all.

I cannot go to rest, but linger still in meditation at my window sill,While, like the twinkling stars in heaven’s dome come one by one sweet memories of home.And wouldst thou ask me where my fancy roves to reproduce the happy scenes it loves,Where hope and memory together dwell and paint the pictured beauties that I tell?

Away beyond the prairies of the West where exiled Saints in solitude were blest,Where industry the seal of wealth has set amid the peaceful vales of Deseret,Unheeding still the fiercest blasts that blow, with tops encrusted by eternal snow,The tow’ring peaks that shield the tender sod stand, types of freedom reared by nature’s God.

The wilderness, that naught before would yield is now become a fertile, fruitful field.Where roamed at will the fearless Indian band the templed cities of the Saints now stand.And sweet religion in its purity invites all men to its security.There is my home, the spot I love so well, whose worth and beauty pen nor tongue can tell.

Text: Orson F. Whitney, 1855–1931
Music: Edward P. Kimball, 1882–1937

Where Have I Been?

2007-12-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

Back in the saddle… Today is Sunday, December 9, 2007. I haven’t written in a while but that doesn’t really matter; I am going to write today. I just got home from church and it was a very gratifying set of meetings. I went alone today; Amie has come down with a combo of the stomach flu and a cold, Dorian was at Matt’s today (as usual) and I didn’t want stay home. Even though I don’t like attending by myself I am glad that I went.

We had a change in the Elder’s Quorum today. The outgoing president had only been there since the ward split, which is about a year and a half. The new president is a good man and this will be his third go and being president of an Elder’s quorum. Not that a change was needed, it will be a change that I am sure will be an inspired one. I also spoke briefly with the Bishop today… We are very close to my return to the fold. After my last interview with the Stake president, he and the bishop have discussed my readiness and it looks like by the end of the month it should happen. I became very emotional as the bishop told me these things, it felt like it was for real and not one of the times like the past where I was told one thing to not have it play out that way. One of the talks today in sacrament referenced "the Lord’s time" and I guess that is what I have been waiting for…

I haven’t written in a while and a lot has happened. Halloween was a very fun weekend. I had the girls here and we also hosted a Halloween party that was an absolute blast. On Halloween night Amie and I dressed up in costume and took the kids trick or treating and then came home and watched a scary movie. The girls were adorable in their costumes as Belle and Dora the Explorer, and Dorian was a very convincing Jack Sparrow (with his super dark eyes he pulls that off very well). I went as Buddy the Elf and Amie was a female version of the Devil (is there another type? HA). Our costumes were so convincing that we even won best costume at the Envision Halloween party. Before my marriage to Amie I never really got into the holiday that much, now it’s on the calendar and next year's costume is already on the mind.

Thanksgiving then came around... I had the girls again, this time for ten days. It was so great to have them here as it is always such a blessing. I have written this before but I reiterate how easy life seems to be when I have them close to me. They both have such cute personalities and I love them so very much; and they show so freely their love back to me. I wish they lived with me… Anyway, it was quite the family affair for the week. My parents came to town and stayed with us, Dennis and Megan and their family passed through town, my mom’s parents came down from Missoula, MT to spend some time with us as well. The last time I had so much family around me was the Yellowstone trip three and a half years ago. This time the circumstances were different and it was a very happy and loving experience. It was nice for my grandparents to meet Amie; they expressed the rave reviews she has received from Scott and Lynn and said that they had to meet her for themselves. We had a full house for most of the week with visitors in and out from all my family, Amie's local family, Amie's out of town family, they were everywhere. Amie does such a great job as a host that it baffles me. She is so elegant and easy to be around that people just flock to her. I feel such a grateful sigh as I think of how things are with her as my wife. I really love her and what she means to me. It was also great to have my kids be able to spend a lot of time with my parents. My mom and dad get daily, if not weekly time with their other grandchildren and they only get to see mine if the planets align themselves. Both Mom and Dad have said multiple times how wonderful it was to spend time with them (the girls)and us for Thanksgiving. I told my mom that I would have them the week after Christmas as well and it looks like they will be coming to visit again at that point. I am so glad to have my parents have a part in the life of my kids. It cannot be discounted how important that is.

Today is a good day, I will write more later…

Go Derrty Birds...

2007-10-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine asked me in an email what my opinion was of the Michael Vick story. I have written before in this blog about how he as a football player first allured me to an interest in football and I have never shied away from endorsing him as a player. Having said that it has been an extremely disappointing few months watching one of my favorite players be involved in something as shocking as dog fighting and the repercussions it has had on my team; the Atlanta Falcons. I won’t dwell too much on it… but I will share this: A week or so ago ESPN hosted a town hall meeting in Atlanta gauging the public views and thoughts surrounding what has happened to Michael Vick. All sorts of groups were represented; the Humane Society, local media in Atlanta, church groups, the NAACP… all there to give their two cents. ESPN asked that people post comments on their website in response to certain questions for the panel and share insights for the meeting. The following is the question I responded to and my comment:

"How has Michael Vick been treated by the media?

The media super storm that has existed over the past few months has been mostly responsible for the damage to Michael Vick’s image. His personal responsibility notwithstanding, he does not deserve the backlash from the manner in which the “general public” views his actions and the outrage for animal cruelty. While the media is a small number of people that dictate what news is seen their opinion does not represent the opinion of the country at large. People seem to share two different opinions about dog fighting; the opinion acceptable to share in public that it is cruel, inhumane and horrible and the opinion that is shared amongst friends in close circles that while it’s a cruel, the life of an animal should never be placed above that of a human and penalties for animal cruelty should reflect that hierarchy. I feel that dog fighting is wrong, and as a story attached to someone with the celebrity of Michael Vick is juicy, enticing and attractive; add to that a news media thirsty for a story during a boring summer and you have Michael Vick saga as it has unfolded. The most disconcerting thing to me is that Michael Vick never assaulted anyone, killed anyone, raped anyone, robbed anyone, molested anyone’s kids or family and yet will have a more difficult time than any perpetrator of the listed crimes rehabilitating his image. It is a sad state in our country that we have come to this where federal resources are being used to chase a dog fighting ring while there are still homeless and hungry on the streets of our cities. The NFL nor the country at large are better off for what has happened, if anything it is more of an indictment of the manner in which the media use the public and celebrity for their own gain, regardless of the consequence. It seems incredibly alarming that Michael Vick has been perceived as he has been, yet has not been guilty of one crime against another human being. I guess you need to be indicted for murder (Ray Lewis…currently playing for the Baltimore Ravens, no suspension from the NFL), drug trafficking (Jamal Lewis…currently playing for the Cleveland Browns, served a 4 month jail sentence, no NFL suspension) or rape (Patrick Kerney… currently playing for the Seattle Seahawks…no NFL suspension) to be fly under the radar. Dog Fighters are the REAL felons…"

Back To The Songs...

2007-09-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

"As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room for your hand in mine..."

A wonderful lyric from a wonder song by a wonderful songwriter...

"Fall Apart Again" by Brandi Carlile.

From the first time I heard those words stretch through the song I couldn't think of a more endearing way to tell someone important how you feel about them. Obviously the music is missing which adds to the emotion of the statement but nonetheless, it is a great thing to feel that for someone. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE... wink.

A Great Story Heard This Sunday...

2007-09-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

I heard this yesterday and loved it. Thought I'd share it here...

The Parable of the Pear Seed:

The wise observation of human behavior is a trademark of the Chinese culture, its history and people. For more than 3,000 years of recorded history, the Chinese have shared great wisdom through beloved folktales and proverbs.

One Chinese folktale recounts the misfortune of a poor man who was so hungry that he stole a pear. He ate the pear as quickly as possible, but not before he was arrested and put in jail. Behind bars, the man finished eating the pear, all the way down to the last seed, which he carefully saved.

Days and months passed while the man awaited his trial. At last, he devised a plan. He asked the guard if he could present the emperor with a rare gift. The guard consented, and the man offered his pear seed to the emperor. The poor man said that it would produce pears made of pure gold, but only if the one who planted it had never lied, cheated, or stolen anything. The seed was of no use to him, a common thief, but perhaps the emperor could plant it.
His majesty thought for a minute and declined. The poor man then offered the seed to the prime minister, who likewise had his conscience pricked and refused to plant the seed. Next he offered it to the commander of the royal army, the chief magistrate, the chief warden—all the way down to the lowest page in the emperor’s court. No one would plant the seed because no one had a completely clear conscience. They now saw the poor man in a new light and decided to set him free.

At some point in life, we realize that mercy and justice are not incompatible. Without condoning others’ misdeeds and shortcomings, we can choose not to dwell on them—and instead try to correct our own. When we mercifully look for the good in others and choose to define them by their virtues and not their faults, we build bonds of love that can unite the human family.

Live At Radio City Music Hall...

2007-08-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, hallowed day in music! One of my most favorite albums of all time is the Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds: Live at Luther College album. I just found out that a few days ago they released a follow up to it; Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds: Live At Radio City Music Hall. I have been listening to that new masterpeice for the last half hour and it does not dissappoint. The album is just two guitars and Dave's voice and stories. I will update more as I become more familiar with the album. One cool thing is they do an acoustic version of a great song called "The Maker" which is about the internal journey of realizing that whether you understand it or not we are all the offspring of God. Our actions are always seen and heard by he who's hand made us, we are all walking a twisted mile and cannot hide; just embrace it. Here is a glimpse of one of the stanza's.

"Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night. I stand with arms wide open, I've run a twisted mile. I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker...

I could not see for the fog in my eyes. I could not feel for the fear in my life. From across the great divide in the distance I saw a light of Jean Baptiste's... he's walking to me with the Maker...

My body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep, I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away.... I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker."

Just a teaser... but WOW... that's all I can say.

Some Things You Shoudn't Get Too Good At...

2007-08-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

I have come across websites that give interpretations to certain songs. They post the lyrics and then give a synopsis of what they think the lyric means and intertwine the commentary with their own stories or experience. I have wanted to get back into the habit of posting on my blog more and have decided that instead of reviewing entire songs I will post a line or two from songs that have meant something to me and then share a brief story about what helped me to draw the correlation between the song and my feelings… Here is the first one:

Song: Original of the Species, U2 from the Chicago Vertigo ’05 Concert DVD.

“I’ll give you everything that you want, except the thing that you want; you are the first one of your kind…”

In the concert Bono dedicates the song to a girl named Jordan and then says that it’s dedicated to all our girls… In thinking what the song says I see in it the declaration from a parent to child to not grow up too quickly, and warnings against being untrue to yourself. I have been mindful lately about all of my children and my impact and role as a father. I have longed for a closer relationship with Dorian and that my daughters might be closer physically to me. I want so desperately to be a good parent and feel the kinship that comes from those efforts. My girls always make me feel loved; this morning Jane called me just to talk, and said that she had a picture that she had drawn for me that she was going to mail to me… Anyway… I feel the same as the lyric sings… “I’ll give you everything that you want, except the thing that you want…you are the first one of your kind…” Being a good parent requires that declaration. I think of my kids when I hear those words…

Keep It To The River And The Streams That You're Used To...

2007-08-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

First things first I'll address the pictures. The one one the left is me standing in the donut part of Donut Falls (story below). The one on the rights is of Amie and I in front an undisclosed waterfall (feel free to post if you know where that waterfall is...)

Well, it’s Sunday again… The past few weeks have been really great and I need to write it down. My birthday was a few weeks ago and then I had my children with me for over a week, not to mention that things between my wife and I have been very endearing… I am a very blessed man.

A few weeks before my birthday I was talking with Amie in jest about how it seems that as you grow older birthdays take on less and less importance with those around you. As a child your birthday is a huge deal and as you grow older, not so much. She had asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday and I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t cost a mint… She took it upon herself to make my birthday a memorable one, and she did. After a little discussion we decided that a get together with some close friends would be just fine so she planned a hike and a picnic the day before my b-day and a family dinner the day of. We called the three families that seem to be the closest to us, Ryan and Jennifer Park, Grant and Michele Eggertsen and Chad and Erica Williams to hike to Donut Falls with us. Everyone brought their families (minus my girls) for the 45 minute hike up to the falls and then we drove down the canyon to a picnic area for tin foil dinner and a red velvet birthday cake care of Michele Eggertsen…(umm, almost sinful how delicious the cake was). The whole thing lasted for most of the day and it really felt good spending time with people that I care about. It was a bittersweet not having my girls there but I didn’t dwell on that; instead I took it in how lucky of a person I am having such great friends and a wife to die for.

This past week I had my kids with me. I went to Boise to pick them up on Thursday and because of a scheduling conflict was able to keep them until Friday, making it 7 days, 8 nights that they were with me. It was so great to have them near me; it had been the longest stretch of time that I was without them since Marla moved to Boise. We tried to do something as a family every day… we went swimming, sprinkler trampoline games, Dairy Queen, bike riding in the driveway… little things everyday where all of us were together and involved as a family. I feel that it helped our blended family to well, blend. I think though that the highlight of the week was when we all went to Lagoon. Every time we drive by Lagoon to and from Idaho Jane always shows her enthusiasm that she wants to go there. I had promised them the last time they were here that we would go this time and we did 2 days before they had to return to Idaho. As usual Jane was gitty for the roller coaster rides, any ride that she was tall enough to ride she wanted to ride, and we did. We picked the perfect day to go because it was supposed to have rained and it was a weekday so we never waited for more than 5 minutes for a ride. Chad and Erica brought their boys as well so we had backup for the times when we adults wanted to enjoy an adult ride or two (the Wicked ride was awesome... If I would have had to wait I probably wouldn't be so enthused). Catherine did reasonable well, she was reluctant at first but with some encouragement completely loved it. She doesn’t exude near as much fearlessness and her older sister but she had a great time. Dorian even got out of his comfort zone and tried a few rides that he normally wouldn’t have. It was a great day. Funny thing, the kids slept late the next day even after we put them to bed early… They were spent. Regardless we made some great memories together being involved in “wholesome recreational activities.” Now that they are back in Idaho I feel helpless again to some of the things that I disagree with about their lives there but I continue to pray for them and thier family there. It’s always a hard transition for them I am sure and for me as we live our lives apart for a few weeks.

So life goes on… Amie and I are going to Sand Hollow this coming weekend to spend some time with her family. Business always continues to be a pleasant challenge and I feel excited for what the next few months will bring us. I have been focusing in my mind during my meditating about the details of the life that I want and what I need to be ready for as I achieve it. I feel a renewed dedication towards my spiritual goals and feel the windows of heaven continuing to be open to my family. There is real strength when you mentally focus on what you want and you live in that place in your mind as you meditate. The details become clearer as you focus on it and then it (what you want) finds itself in your real life. I have noticed that as I have focused on the good things, different things that are important I become ready for them and then my life changes for the better. I have been focusing on a better relationship with my wife, being closer to my stepson and daughters, having a healthier body, business goals… all seem to make themselves manifest as I have focused my energy toward being more grateful for what I already have and allowing my actions to be such that the Lord blesses me with my desires. I believe that this is part of becoming like our Savior, in that of the role of creator. I am using what He has given me to create a better world for myself and my family throught the desires of my heart and the intentions of my mind.

Along those lines today we went to Amie’s brother’s ward for sacrament meeting. He and his wife had a baby recently and Amie’s father blessed him today. I wondered what was running through Chuck’s mind as he was called upon to bless his sons’ child. It must be a difficult thing to have to act as a proxy in that capacity when the worthiness of your loved one is not where it should be. Amie and I have talked about how we aren’t going to have kids until I am able to give them a proper name and blessing; I remember specifically the shame of having someone else bless my children. I was able to bless Jane but Catherine I was not. That will be the only ordinance that will be performed to my children that do not give them. I am getting closer to the place where I feel ready to make the commitments needed to be a member again and give my family what they deserve, a worthy priesthood holder as the leader. My life has been free of the things that would deny we the blessings of the gospel but I have been so reluctant to plunge seeing that my fall wasn’t something that I could have foreseen. Regardless the time is close and I am excited for it.

This concludes this broadcast. From the shadows of the everlasting hills, peace be with you this day…

MD Diet Clinic Be Praised...

2007-07-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

I need to write an entry. I have been really busy lately and have neglected writing here to the point that it feels forsaken. It isn’t; I just have had a hard time feeling motivated to write anything down let alone anything that I would want to reread in the future. I was on the treadmill this morning and something was sparked that I thought would be a good catalyst for getting me to start thinking about writing. Here is some personal history to start off:

About 2 months ago I went to see a doctor about my health. More specifically a nutritionist to help me get a grip on my diet and what has been happening with my body. Right after Amie and I were married we went on the South Beach diet and I went from 235 lbs. down to 195 lbs. From that time until about two months ago I had been steadily gaining the weight back that I had lost. April came around and even my fatty clothes weren’t fitting me well and I was feeling extremely discouraged about the eventuality of my obesity. Health problems associated with weight are very commonplace in my family tree; I have written about my dad and his bout with heart disease, diabetes etc. and was feeling that I was doomed to that end. I for whatever reason have always been conscious of my appearance and I think that the most disheartening thing was that I not only felt fat, I looked fat. I had gotten to where no matter what I wore that my gut and backside weren’t able to be hid. It sucked. Add to that I thought that I was doing everything I could in that I was active with exercise; I played football and basketball once a week and went to the gym. All those efforts were for naught, they kept adding pounds.

The first thing that I learned when I met with the doctor was that I was on pace to have a heart attack by the time I was 50 (sounds like someone else I know). I was also inline for adult onset diabetes (also, sounds like a LOT of people I know). BUT I also learned that I was able to make some changes that could completely reshape my body and give me the appearance and health that I wanted. She gave me some information that said in a nutshell that our culture and the way that we eat is the exact opposite of what our bodies need; from the times of days that we eat, to what we eat to how much. Changes in the way that I eat and what I eat would eliminate food craving that lead you to cheat and give me results in a relatively short amount of time, as long as I stuck to it. Amie and I were in this together so I knew that if we were both committed to the changes we needed to make in our diet then we would succeed. Her help has been HUGE…

A few of the things that I needed to change was the amount of protein that I ate. According to the doctor protein is the fuel that your muscles use to maintain themselves and a key component in telling your brain whether or not you need food. One of the biggest mistakes that happens with people that have food cravings is that they start their day with a yogurt, or bowl of cereal…some kind of carbohydrate and their muscles don’t start off with the fuel they need so their brain tells the body that it isn’t nourished; your metabolism slows down and your body goes into starvation mode making it so that all the fat and sugar that is eaten is put directly in to the fatty storage in the body. You can eat a 5000 calories diet every day and your body can think it is malnourished if you don’t eat enough protein. Another change was that I needed to eat a huge protein filled breakfast followed by some sort of morning fruit then another sizable meal for lunch (loaded with protein) and the taper off throughout the day not eating anything after six o’clock. My grams of protein for the day should be between 130 to 160 grams and my carbohydrate intake for the day no greater than 45 grams (I also learned that “net carbs” are a joke, fiber doesn’t at any point take away the effect of the carbs you eat and that net cards are a marketing tool to get you to eat more carbs). The sugars that I eat are from natural sources; fruits etc. and I needed to drink about 80 ounces of water throughout the day. Lastly, the doctor said that if I changed how I exercise during the first months while my body was losing the excess fat that I could accelerate the process. I needed to do only cardio and to get my heart rate in the fat burn zone, which for me is between 125 and 150 beats per minute for no less than 3 times a week for 45 minutes at a time.

A few of the things that I have learned over the course of these months is that on the South Beach diet my body was eating its own muscle and structural fat and that I why I lost weight. I was still soft in the middle even though I lost 40 lbs. I started this diet weighing 232 lbs. with 152 lbs. of that being my lean body mass (muscles, structural fat, organs etc). A safe body fat percentage is between 7.5 to 10% for males and at that point mine was almost 35%. As of yesterday which was my most recent appointment I weighed 195lbs. with 149 lbs. of that being my lean body mass, meaning that of the 37 lbs of my weight loss only 3 lbs. of it was muscle. My blood pressure is now in a safe place and I continue to loss weight everyday as I keep with the changes that made two months ago. I have a long way to go still but as I made the changes that I need to have enough protein in my diet I haven’t had any real cravings for stuff I shouldn’t be eating. Matter of fact, on Sunday I had a piece of cake that was DELICOUS and it wrecked my stomach and my body didn’t like what I had done do it reinforcing that if I eat what is good for me and have enough protein then I feel great and see positive results in my appearance. Statistically speaking if I can keep up with this for a year the chance of going back to being the way I was is small and for two years I am almost guaranteed to stay thin and healthy for the rest of my life. The way you feel and look plays such a role in your esteem as a person, a spouse, in the business world that I feel very grateful that I was able to learn what I have and make the changes. I do not exaggerate when I say that I do not crave sugars, sodas, candy…any of that stuff. Cheating is not appealing in this diet if you do what you should.

Anyway, that is one of the things that I am proud of that I have done in the past months. I get excited thinking about being in my fifties and still able to play with my grandkids, ski, and do all the things physically that I wouldn’t be able to if I was fat with bad health.

BRING ON THE MIDLIFE!!

3-1....

2007-05-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching Game 4 of the Utah Jazz, San Antonio Spurs game. I am disgusted right now having just watched bad officiating and great acting take over a competitive game and ultimately give the game to the Spurs. I don’t have too much to say other than I think that the team of Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobili make up the most despicable duo in team sports. Below is an excerpt from an article by Bill Simmons on espn.com that I read not too long ago that echoes of my feelings about fouls in the NBA:

“The single most disgusting NBA development of the past few years? The flopping... Slowly, regretfully, inexplicably, the sport is morphing into soccer --I blame the influx of European players for this trend because flopping has always been an acceptable part of soccer; they grew up watching that crap and understood that it could work in basketball as well, especially if you have a group of largely incompetent referees calling the action. So it started a few years ago, it's gotten worse and worse, and now, it's affecting the overall competitiveness of these games.
Here's the problem: Because we don't have any anti-flopping rules, it behooves defenders to fall backward every time a low-post player lowers his shoulder, and it behooves them to slide under airborne players and plant their feet for a charge (even if they might end up breaking the guy's neck in the process). Not to keep bringing up the pickup basketball analogy, but geez ... can you imagine if somebody pulled this crap during a game among friends? The prevailing reactions would be, "What the hell are you doing?" and "If you do that again, I'm gonna sock you." But because the NBA refuses to do anything about the flopping, it's evolved into a savvy defensive maneuver. For instance, if you're Barnes and you're giving up 50 pounds to Boozer on the low post, there's only two ways you're stopping him: Go for a strip if he puts the ball on the ground, or jump backward if he's dumb enough to lower his shoulder as he's turning around. Those are your two options.
Is that basketball? Hell, no! In fact, when I was a little kid -- and I swear to God, this happened -- a guard named Mike Newlin flopped to draw a charge from the great Dave Cowens, a fiery Hall of Famer who played with a remarkable level of passion and fury, to the degree that he burned himself out after 7-8 years. Completely and utterly outraged that Newlin committed such a phony act of sportsmanship, Cowens berated the ref who made the call, yelled at him some more, then started running back on defense when he noticed Newlin dribbling up the court. Now, our seats were at midcourt, so this happened right in front of us and nearly caused me to pee my pants -- as Cowens was running, he snapped and suddenly charged Newlin like a free safety, bodychecked him at full speed (much, MUCH harder than Horry's foul on Nash) and sent poor Newlin careening into the press table at about 35 mph. Then he turned to the same ref and screamed ...
"NOW THAT'S A F------- FOUL!"
Did Cowens get kicked out of the game? Of course. But there's a moral to the story. Once upon a time, these guys had a code of honor. They played hard, respected the game, defended their teammates, and if anyone stepped out of line, there was always someone that would take care of them -- whether it was another player, a referee, a coach or whatever. When fights or altercations happened, they were considered natural side effects of a physical sport. When two players talked smack, it was considered a good thing, a sign that the game was heating up, that we were potentially headed for a more competitive place.”

After tonight it makes me not want to watch what I saw on TV. That is not competition, it’s acting. Unfortunately it is making my transition back to following professional basketball very difficult because it devalues true play and removes the sense that a fair game is being called by the officials. I do not respect the San Antonio Spurs AT ALL for the accolades that they have been rewarded. They do not deserve to be in the Western Conference Finals since they instigated a brawl that resulted in a bogus suspension to two of the Suns players. They play dirty, ugly, cheap basketball. For those that argue “but they win” enjoy your nap if they meet Detroit in the finals… it will be as boring as the Mayweather/ De La Hoya fight…

I encourage you to read the whole article, it’s quite interesting… http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070516&sportCat=nba

I'm Back Baby...

2007-05-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am back to the blog because I have been schooled... The past few days I have been reading some random blogs that I have come across and I felt a twinge of guilt for denying the world my wit and charisma through writing (By the way, my therapy to rid myself of arrogance has stalled itself). Regardless I want to step it up a little and write more.

Life is good. I mean it, it’s good. Of course I miss my children every waking moment but I have learned to live with that and instead of letting the sorrow consume me I look forward to the times when I will see them next. Things with Amie are good, the weather is gorgeous, the Jazz are in the Western Conference Finals, Business is good, I have started venturing in a different direction of the mortgage industry incorporating more the side of real estate investing for my clients and I feel a great anticipation for the future. I have continued my mediation and it has helped me to work through some of the issues that I have with my “programming.” We got a new puppy and rid of the old one. Life is good. I do feel however the need to share about something that is helping me to have life be so good. Let me explain:

I have been reading some very interesting books lately. One of them is called “Thresholds of the Mind” by Bill Harris. A number of years ago he started an organization called the Centerpointe Research Institute. He has devoted a great deal of his time and resources to studying brain wave patterns to learn how they are connected to what we deem our reality. His book speaks in droves about the manner in which we can become aware of what are subconscious mind is doing and how it affects our conscious existence. His big push is towards full awareness of what and why we do things and then once that perspective is made how to change it. In his book he refers to what he calls our “internal map of reality.” Our internal map of reality is what we have subconsciously created as our reality; the manner in which we react to life, the expectations we have from each situation and the way that our minds see our lives. This map evolves daily as new experiences pile up and we continue on living. The foundation of what we see was started from our infancy and continues as we add experience that molds our perception. What I have been learning is that most of what holds people back from true happiness and achieving whatever they want is their own boundaries. They do not see in their own IMR that they can live outside of what they already know; meaning if I have always been sad, poor, fat, depressed, sick, angry, down trodden, sin laden, then my life will continue that way with brief reprieves continuing in the same fashion. They don’t feel safe in drastically changing how they think and resist that change because it initially doesn’t let them feel the safety associated with how the think right now. The study of brainwaves has shown that there are ways to manipulate through mediation your brainwaves to help you to be aware of the self destructive behaviors that you manifest and then to do away with them. This gives you the foresight to work through the things that are not giving you what you truly want. Ultimately behaviors and thoughts that are not healthy or self serving fall away as our awareness of their poison is increased.

He gave a great example that illustrated the difference of how people think and how it affects the outlook of each person differently. He first off started by explaining the difference between a response and a trigger. Responses are what happen regardless of our interpretation of life, a trigger is the manner that we handle it. For example; if you were soaked with water the response would be that they would both be wet. The experience of getting soaked could be a trigger that would cause any number of reactions from refreshment, to anger, to anxiety to worry etc. The water itself did not cause you to be angry; the water caused you to be wet. The water was a trigger to your anger, not the cause. When you apply that example to life you can see that often times the wrong things get blamed for our unhappiness/lack of success when they were a trigger to a behavior and not the reason. The reason you may be upset for getting wet was that you don’t want to have to change your clothing; OR the reason the water was refreshing is because you were hot. The water itself made you wet, THAT’S IT, and everything else was your own doing. Most of the times are lives are a result of our conditioned triggers, not the actual responses to what we go through. In my own life as I have decided to take responsibility of how I feel and think I have realized that I have held myself back blaming others for things to which all along I had control over. Tie this back into the meditation, that quiet time alone allows me to come correct with myself and make a new reality; one where I am happy, successful and excellent in all I do. I believe that this is one of the important characteristics of the gift of agency and one that is often overlooked; we can always choose our fate. There is no one who can deny us our God given blessings other than ourselves as we sabotage happiness and success. That has helped me tremendously in my personal and spiritual growth and is helping me to overcome some challenges I thought were insurmountable. My career is better for it, so is the relationship with my wife and children and ultimately my Heavenly Father.

I will write more but the gist of what I am writing about is that taking responsibility for your own happiness is a quality that is long overdue in our lives. Make it happen…

Brady Goes Deep To Moss... ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

2007-04-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

What a span of time it has been. Making a blog entry has not been a priority for me and so I haven’t written. Milestones have passed that I could have shared about; General Conference, two different visits from my children and a few discoveries that have given me some tools that are helping me toward a more balanced life. I have not written because I didn’t want to, frankly. That’s okay, the ebb and flow of inspiration for the written word can be somewhat like the tide; in sometimes and far away others.

This past weekend was pretty busy. Amie’s sister Debbie and her family stayed with us from Wednesday night until only a few hours ago; Sunday night. Their family has 5 kids who were all here at different times; sharing time with family and friends. On top of that (more importantly) my girls were here from Saturday morning until this morning at 11am. Marla’s brother was celebrating his graduation from BYU this week so she was in town since Wednesday. I really would have appreciated more time with the girls but instead of arguing with her about it I chose to use whatever time I was given and cherish it seeing that I didn’t have to travel to get them. It was a great to see them even it was for the equivalent of 24 hours. My heart went out to the girls, they didn’t get to have much time here and they both seemed melancholy when I dropped them off to their mother. They weren’t able to adjust in only a day to life here and then had to return so soon. I won’t see them until Memorial Day weekend so their room and my heart will be closed until their return.

This weekend was the 2007 NFL Draft. I have been nuts about football the last couple of years so I was really intrigued by what happened and who picked whom. One of the by-products of this draft was that one of my favorite players, Randy Moss was traded from the Oakland Raiders to the New England Patriots. The Raiders gave away Moss for a 4th round draft pick and Randy agreed to restructure his contract; a pretty interesting move considering that over the next two years Moss was slated to be paid $20 million bucks in salary alone. Just goes to show that although the façade is that all pro athletes care about is money that the lure of a Championship has no price. Moss could realistically lose $10 million bucks with the changes to his contract. That must be some feeling to win a Super Bowl; many athletes have their careers defined by whether or not they’ve won the big game and Moss sure could use one to change the course of where he legacy is headed after these past few years with the Raiders. Regardless this year for football will be great, New England will be TOUGH to handle with all the upgrades they have done to their team this year and it will be cool to see who of the rookies that were chosen will be as good as projected.

I have started the practice of meditating. I take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour a day and sit in the quiet and ponder things about my life, my goals etc. and focus my energies to help me realize what and who I want to become. I have learned that by making time for this everyday that my life has changed to where my demeanor has slowly been changing to be less quick to anger and more loving and patient in my heart. I think that everyone should make time in their busy lives to live in the quiet for a part of the day. In my thoughts I have found myself questioning everything about what I thought I believed in. I have questioned my core values and who I am and made mental efforts to reinforce the things that I may have told myself I believed but subconsciously didn’t manifest that as a core believe. I have been feeling a great amount of growth in my faith and my understanding about who my Heavenly Father is and what he makes available for his children when the try to understand the characteristics he possess as both our father and God. I think that the difference between believing and knowing starts with the commandment to ponder and without pondering, prayer is useless. How can God talk back if your head is always LOUD?

Anyway, at this rate I will post another entry come November… jk.

Happy Easter...

2007-04-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

Here is where I have been lately. I had my children for a week for Easter/Spring Break. It was incredible and I already miss them; one day later. I will publish another entry soon...

Our Lives Are Made In These Small Hours...

2007-03-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

I found a new song. I heard it this morning and it really effected me; I connected with it. Here are the lyrics:

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas:

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know the hardest part is over
let it in, let your clarity define you
in the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
and I don’t mind if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by, it’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made in these small hours
these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away, but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

All of my regret will wash away some how
but I can not forget the way I feel right now

In these small hours, these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate, these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain, still remain
these little wonders these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

Great, great song…

A Quick and Funny Story...

2007-03-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

Amie and I have a neighbor couple to which we have become good freinds. They have three children, 7, 13 and 17. Their youngest is named "Noah" and has become good friends with Dorian...

The other day Noah was over here at the house playing with Dorian. He decided to let us know that soon he was going to be "bath-a-tized..." When asked if he knew what that meant he said, "Yeah, it's where they push your head under water so that you can get the friendly ghost... duh!"

Kids...

A Month and Counting Had Passed...

2007-03-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted an entry in a while (duh...) and wanted to at least put something here to reflect what my life has been involved in lately. Without too much detail I have started to be apart of something on a political level whose ideas are reflected in the following article. Please read...

It’s All About The Money!
By Doug Henson of USAFathers

Why do the Family Courts routinely deprive one parent, usually the Father, of their Fundamental Liberty Right to be a parent to their children? Why are Fathers punished and penalized for wanting to be a part of their children’s lives? The answer may be surprising to some of you, but not to the millions of Fathers, Stepmothers, and Grandparents who are embroiled in a custody battle or a paternity battle in the Family Courts of our Nation.

Family Court Judges are being influenced by the Government to generate as much money as possible for the State. They do this by exploiting divorced families, especially Fathers, who are historically the main breadwinners of the nuclear family. They give “custody” of the children to the mother and force the father to pay support through the Child Support Enforcement Agency of the State. For this “service” the State receives Federal Incentive Payments from the Federal Government of up to 15% of the total collected. That’s a lot of money, money that ultimately comes from the taxpayers. The State also receives Federal Incentive Payments of up to $2.00 for every $1.00 spent in tracking down and prosecuting the mythological “Deadbeat Dad”.

They say that this is in the “Best Interest of the Child” but, what they really mean is, it’s in the best interest of the State. This windfall, of literally hundreds of millions of dollars every year, is the true incentive of the State to facilitate divorce and the breakup of the American family. By turning a Father into a visitor and checkbook, and denying his constitutional rights to be a parent, Family Court Judges can maximize their contribution to the State coffers, thus ensuring their own reelection campaigns will be well financed by the Attorneys, Legislators, and other cronies who profit from divorce.

Fathers and Children’s Rights groups, like USAFathers, have sprung up everywhere in response to this injustice. Their rallying cry is for 50/50 Equal Custody of the children, but there’s a big problem with what seems to be this simple request. If true 50/50 Equal Custody is granted, the State loses out on the millions of dollars in Child Support incentive payments. Why? Because in true 50/50 Equal Custody, there is no requirement for Child Support, each parent fully supports the children 50% of the time.

Very few of the State Legislators will even talk about 50/ 50 Equal Custody. They know it would spell the end of the Federal Incentive payments that are lining the coffers of the State treasury. These payments generate hundreds of millions of dollars annually, money that they don’t want to lose, because it would inflict serious damage to their ability to deliver on their campaign promises. Not to mention the loss of thousands of State jobs that are handed out like candy to relatives and supporters.

Who pays for these programs? We all do. Our Federal Taxes pay for the incentives that are then used to break up our families to supply even more money to a system that feeds on our very heart and soul, our children.

You could fill a library with the stories of the tragedies and grief this scheme has caused. Fathers are being criminalized and labeled as unfit or Deadbeat Dads. Frustrated and demoralized Fathers are committing suicide over the loss of their children and the devastation of their very lives. Fathers who are financially ruined by the Family Courts and Family Law Attorneys who often drag cases out for years, until there’s just no money left for the Father to fight with. Fathers who are forced to defend themselves against unwarranted and often false allegations of not only spousal abuse, but also child abuse of the very children he’s fighting so hard to maintain a relationship with. Fathers who are forced to remain while their children are moved hundreds or even thousands of miles away, because Mommy’s new boyfriend got a job on the other side of the country. And there are literally thousands of men who are paying court ordered child support for children whom DNA tests have proven aren’t even their own children. But the Courts don’t care where the money comes from, as long as it keeps rolling in.

Children are being denied their Fathers and one half of their natural families, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and all of the love that goes with them. Many of the children are suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome, where they are systematically brainwashed and indoctrinated to revile their formerly loved Parent.

Family Court Judges routinely deny fundamental constitutional rights to Fathers in their courtrooms. They do this because they know that in most instances they can drag the case out until the Father no longer has the financial means to appeal or continue the battle. Appointments of “Child Psychologists”, “Guardian” or “Attorney Ad Litems”, requirements for unending “social studies” and “evaluations”, all of which the Father is required to pay for, at a costs of thousands of dollars, can rapidly destroy the financial ability of even a “well heeled” Father to continue the fight.

These things and more are happening every day in every State in our Nation and nobody knows about it, except the Legislators, who set up this scam, and the Judges and Attorneys who derive their livelihood from it, and they don’t care. All they care about is the money.

Contact Info:

Doug Henson
USAFathers@Yahoo.Com
P.O. Box 53
Conroe, TX 77305
(936) 718-8891

Stirring The Pot Helps The Recipe...

2007-02-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

This blog entry is going to be somewhat of a departure for me. I have yet to write about anything remotely political or controversial but as my thoughts has started to coagulate I have developed an opinion that I feel like posting. This is going to be new for me but exciting as well…hopefully my posterity will read this and see a glimpse of the culture that I was a part of (or my interpretation of it) in the year 2007.

I am a business man. I have always been somewhat of a salesman and have enjoyed the game that is associated with that career path. When I look at clients I do not see any racial labels other than ones that may be there because of a language barrier. I have many different clients of many different ethnicities; all with varying income levels, job titles and career paths. Being that my business is associated with long term lending of money I have been privy to see both the proposed future and detailed pasts of my clients as I help them become ready for the responsibility of the long term debt associated with their homes. Having said this I have often looked at the demographic of who falls into what categories of income and job types. I have clients that range in making tens of thousands of dollars every year to hundreds of thousands. Every ethic group is spread throughout that demographic and it has not been proven to me in my circle of business to find that one group needed advantage over another to be successful. I have found that the drive to succeed is one that is not associated with any ethnicity, it is an individual achievement. I feel that with the number of programs available in our country to give certain racial groups advantage over another we are creating a cultural paradigm that is opposite to what end those programs are trying to reach.

It is February; Black history month. We are able to celebrate the many achievements that historical people (who happen to be black) realized for the sake of equality and the betterment of humanity. This month we also were able to witness history in the making while watching the first black head coach to lead a team to the Super Bowl and the first black head coach to win a championship. In leading up to the Super Bowl the media was focused on how both coaches were African American and both were given their jobs as a byproduct of the Rooney Rule, which subsequently lead to the interviewing and hiring of both Lovie Smith and Tony Dunge. The Rooney Rule requires National Football League teams to interview at least one minority candidate for head coaching opportunities. The rule is named after Dan Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers and chairman of the NFL's Diversity Committee. It is no secret that a majority of the NFL players are minorities and the coaching has predominately been white. This rule was instituted to help to bridge that gap and give minority coaches an opportunity that hadn’t been made available before. I feel that Affirmative Action in whatever form it takes can serve a greater purpose and give a person an opportunity that the might not have had otherwise. Ultimately though it is simply not fair and in an evolving society it is not justified in the least.

Affirmative action itself began as a corrective measure for governmental and social injustices against certain racial/ethnic groups that have been said to be subjected to discrimination in areas such as employment and education. The stated goal of affirmative action was to “counteract past and present discrimination sufficiently that the power elite will reflect the demographics of society at large, at which point such a strategy will no longer be necessary.” The problem lies in that programs like the Rooney Rule and Affirmative Action are forced upon naturally competitive arenas where it is not needed and creates an unnecessary and unfair inequality. The business world is a “results oriented” marketplace and the most qualified for the job should be the one awarded the position regardless of the “demographics of society at large.”

I am a white guy. My parents and progenitors came from Jewish, Irish, German and English bloodlines. I do not in my heritage have any Hispanic, Indian or African blood; I am your typical Caucasian. My roots are tied to Europe until the early 1900’s when my ancestors made their lives here in the northern part of the United States. I do not have any sort of identity associated with what makes up my ethnicity, my identity has come from activities and groups that were choices I made and not a predetermined group that was made up of who my relatives were. I know that my demographic of ethnicity is one of a few that does not feel apart of something greater associated with their race; to me I am just white; my identity has become more associated with religion and individual choices I made throughout my life having nothing to do with color or race. Since the time I entered the world of higher education and the workplace it has always been what was on my transcript or resume that earned me my place at the institution or workplace, not that I was a white guy. I had a friend when I was young that was 1/8th Native American (with white parents) and he received a scholarship to college based on that alone, no merit involved. I remember at that young age thinking that was wrong since he and I were almost identical in our situations; middle class families, normal houses in the suburbs, normal grades, both given to that point the same opportunities to succeed…nothing fancy. Why was he singled out when the only difference between him and I was that one of his great grandparents was Native American? The answer is that it wasn’t fair, and isn’t fair today. How many other times does this happen where deference is given where merit has nothing to do with the choice? More often we can see the same thing happen as people throughout our country reap the benefits of unfair programs as society “charges forward to equality.”

I am aware that there still exist racial barriers that are ignorant and biased. Every white person that I know has a story about a grandfather that told racist jokes or talked about people that were different than their own in a negative light. Fortunately those opinions are not reflected in the current generation as a whole. There will come a point soon enough where there will be no living connection to the time of our history that was so ugly and the small, racist minority will not have a presence in the world today; it will only be referenced in our history books. The legislation that enforces programs like Affirmative Action is not written to accept that evolution and will not be as quick to readjust. It is evident that unless you have a connection to an ethnic group/race you could actually be disadvantaged in the marketplace of the education/business world. Does it really matter if my entire organization is white, black or yellow if all those who are a part of it earned their position through their merit and skill? The reality is that most likely it would be a mix if it naturally evolved to where merit and skill was the only dictation of how you received your employment.

Since I brought up the Rooney Rule let’s use the National Football League as an example. The NFL is in the entertainment business and its product is entertainment through watching football. The NFL is not unlike any other business in the free world in that it has a product to sell and success comes from how well they sell that product and for what profit margin. The NFL has people within its organization who are responsible for the many different facets of the product it provides; employees ranging from management to the players. I reiterate, if you look at all the many opportunities for employment within the NFL it is without question very similar in business model to any business out there. One of the positions that are available for employment is that of a running back. If you look at the racial demographic of who plays starting running back for the teams in the league you will see that it is a predominately African American position. Does that mean that we should give the starting role of running back to more white men so that the position reflects the demographics of society at large? Absolutely not, it should be given to who plays the position with the greater speed, skill and ability. If that is true, why do other organizations with business models similar to the NFL’s have to give a portion of its employment to people based on their race? It’s not fair and should be changed.

So, after all of this what do I feel would work? Tweak the programs so that if deference must be given to those considered less fortunate make it based on socio-economic factors instead of ethnicity or race. If someone from an inner-city has demonstrated significant aptitude but whose personal situation would not allow for an otherwise change in circumstance use the resources available for education regardless of race. Get rid of the Rooney Rule all together. Look at the future with enough foresight to know that we are a global community and that eventually the races that exist will be blended together through marriage and procreation so that we will all be a mix of each other. Change the legislation to reflect that future inevitability. Put the onus back on the individual for his success and achievement instead of providing excuses to people for why they fail.

There, I said it. My opinion is published. Since this is not a term paper and I am not a journalist I have not made known the sources to which I got the information that I used. If anyone reads this and would like to know where I got my information I would be glad to share that with them.

Prescott, OUT…

This Guy Is Using A Nail Gun...

2007-02-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

"I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase 'the tender mercies of the Lord.' Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits 'his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men' (D&C46:15)."

David A. Bednar

Hit Right On The Head...

2007-02-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

"Good men sometimes make mistakes. A man of integrity will honestly face and correct his mistakes, and that is an example we can respect. Sometimes men try but fail. Not all worthy objectives are realized despiteone's honest and best efforts. True manhood is not always measured by the fruits of one's labors but by the labors themselves-by one's striving."

D. Todd Christofferson

Looking Past What Is Right There...

2007-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Notably this will hopefully be one my more pleasant entries. It is a Sunday evening and today has been a good day. I woke this morning to attend church, felt somewhat inspired at what I was able to hear, came home, took a short nap and awaited the return on my wife from a short weekend trip she had taken to see her sister down south. Once Amie got home I was reminded of how it is “not good for man to be alone” and thanked my Heavenly Father for her in a silent prayer. We spoke about what we had done while we were apart and then enjoyed the evening on the couch watching a movie. It has been a good day.

My thoughts have been somewhat scattered and I have thought about writing about a number of things. I guess I’ll start with what’s in the forefront… This weekend while Amie was away I spent some time with my good friend Doug. He always has some drama happening in his life with the lady folk, and this weekend proved to fall in line with that track record. We were discussing his most recent disappointment and I started thinking about things in my own life. His story is not really worth recording; fill in the blanks with every other Doug story: “I wish I weren’t single, why can’t I find the right one?” (I don’t mean to take away from the reality of his struggle but it hasn’t really changed in the past years, always some stupid dame not wanting what he wants out of a relationship while there are some that would be great for him that he wants nothing to do with.) What is worth recording is a conclusion that I have drawn about my own experience trying to return the fold of God.

From the very day that I was excommunicated from the church I looked with great anticipation for the day that I would be allowed to be back in to it. I had held that day as the day of partial restoration of what I had lost and that magically something in me would be switched from what I had become to what I once was. Why I give such credence to what I used to be I don’t know for if I really think about it my testimony and love of the Lord are more grounded than they ever were. In thinking about it I was overlooking the most important thing that the Lord could offer me through baptism; that of forgiveness.

The day that I able to enter the waters of baptism is one of the most important days in my life for the simple and beautiful reason that I will be able to leave in those waters all the my sins and the heartache they have caused. I will take part in the ordinance that symbolizes the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It will be a reality to me that the Lord has forgiven me of everything that I have done that has hurt myself, my family and those around me. The atonement will take effect and allow me to weekly renew that promise that I have to take upon myself the name of Jesus Christ and live accordingly. The old person that had allowed himself to become distant for the Lord will die and I will be white and pure for as long as I choose.

That is so much more important that being able to raise my hand in church and offer a comment or to hold a calling. My sins hurt my own relationship with my Savior and in these past years as I have had to struggle in ways I never thought I would have to I have gained an understanding that I need Him and His love to be happy. I make myself available to such happiness by living in the way He would have me to. My family can be made whole; all the things about my life, my kids, and my eternal salvation will be resolved and answered. The atonement will make me whole.

I can’t make a blog entry without writing about my kids. It has been since the 23rd of December that I have seen them and my heart aches for them. I wonder if they will ever know how much I miss them everyday and how sorry I am that I am not with them. If I am honest I must admit that I think about them all the time, every day. I hope that despite what is happening around them to diminish my role as there father that my prayer will be answered; that prayer is that everyday they think of me and feel in their hearts the love I have for them. I pray that their dreams will take them to me and that they won’t forget the times that we share. I have faith that Heavenly Father blesses them with that gift.

The night beckons, I am looking forward to being able to sleep next to my wife as these past days I have not had that luxury. I’ll write more later…

Lying In Bed Like Bryan Wilson Did...

2007-01-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

At first read this seemed a bit too “tide-dye”esque for me, but after a second read I see that it is valuable and has roots in truth. I am making more of an effort to have my blog be more well-rounded. I have no idea who wrote it...

"Feelings vibrate, just as all things in the universe do, at a particular frequency. Negative feelings like anger, guilt, and depression vibrate at low frequencies, while positive feelings like joy, appreciation, and passion vibrate at high frequencies. These high frequency vibrations make us feel good. This is why people and places that inspire and cultivate positive feelings have what we call good vibrations.

Good vibrations inspire health, happiness, and optimism. When we are tuned in to good vibrations, our bodies heal, our hearts open, and our minds shift toward the light. We see new possibilities and feel powerfully energized to follow our inner visions. At the same time, we feel relaxed and capable of manifesting these visions without giving in to stress or struggle. Good vibrations put us in a state of perfect receptivity so that we feel it is the energy flowing through us that accomplishes what needs to be done. We feel guided, supported, protected, and nourished within this joyful flow. We sometimes forget that we are allowed to feel this way all the time.

Lower frequency vibrations are not bad in a moral sense, but they are bad in the sense that they simply don't feel good. Still, they have a purpose, which is to alert us to the fact that we are blocking out the higher frequency vibrations that we need to function well. They are a call for healing ourselves from within. The key to our healing lies in remembering that it is our birthright to feel good and that feeling good is the essence of our true nature. When we are receiving and sending out good vibrations, we are in the flow. When we are not, we can begin to raise our vibration by seeking out people, places, and situations that vibrate at a higher frequency. Whether we need to go on retreat or just call a friend who makes us laugh, seeking out those good vibrations and basking in them is a sacred and loving practice that returns us, time and again, to the joyful flow of the universe."

It's Like, So Dumb...

2007-01-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in the fight I wage with the forces that be to have a relationship with my children I find myself kicked while I’m down. I won’t be writing too much today, but I will let the “cut and paste” do the talking. I have continued to have disagreements with my ex-wife about time with the kids and last week became the most drastic. Here following are two letters that were written; one from me to her new husband as a plea for his help and the latter a letter in rebuttal from him. It is so sad that the two sides of this conflict can’t meet in the middle and do what’s best for the kids. I don’t see what happens when they are there and I know (from his letter) that they interpret what has happened while they are here as something other than it really is. It is SO LAME. Here's the first letter:

Kevin,

This is extremely awkward but I write to you to ask for your help. In the past we have spoken and I feel that maybe by communicating to you I might have a better chance of making my desires known and realized for my children. You have proven to be a good man and a voice of reason in past situations and I appreciate your foresight and manner in which you seem to support the relationship I have with my children. As you read this I hope you understand that I am not trying to put you in an awkward situation with Marla but to help things be healthier for all involved. I am sure that you know a different woman that the one that I do and you love her deeply; I appreciate the effect that your love of Marla has on my girls. Please read this with an open mind and consider my request to help me have more time with my girls.

I am sure that Marla has told you of the disagreement that we have faced most recently in regards to time with the girls and has given you her side of things. She asserts that my requests are completely unreasonable to have extended time with them. I am hoping to appeal to you as a father; one who shares parenting time with your former spouse and one who loves his children. I feel confident in assuming that that the reason for the divorce that you had with your ex-wife in no-way reflects the feelings of love and endearment, and the feelings of personal responsibility that you that you have for your children. I have those same feelings for my children and desires to be with them. I do not know what sort of conflict, if any, that you might still have with your ex-wife but I hope that you are not faced with someone that tries to limit the time you have with them. If you are faced with that challenge I am sorry and hope that you would be sensitive to this situation and use any influence you have to help it to change.

I do not write to you to drudge up the past but I do feel it necessary to clue you in on a few things. A few weeks after Catherine was born a large portion of Marla’s family showed up at our house in West Jordan, packed it up and took her back to Oregon. That was a decision that Marla made with her family and felt that was the best place for her to be considering the birth of a new child and the state she was in with our marriage. She told me at that time that she was counting on me missing my family so much that I would run back to her at all costs and bring her back to Utah. Obviously that didn’t happen, not because I didn’t miss my children or family but for other reasons. As time passed Marla became more and more reluctant to be supportive of me having time with the girls. In order to see my children I would have to travel to Oregon, live out of a hotel, eat at fast food restaurants and try to have some sort of normal relationship with my children under those circumstances. In the beginning she wouldn’t let me have any time with Catherine alone; I remember the only time she did was one morning as she went to the gym in Ashland she left her with me for a little over an hour. There was another instance where I paid for Marla to fly to Utah to see her friend Jill; I had Jane for most of that trip but Marla refused to let me have any time alone with Catherine. I had to sit there with a woman to whom I was estranged and try to play nice in front of the kids to be able to see my daughter. She was willing to let babysitters have more time with Catherine than she would me. I played by Marla’s rules because I had to and hoped that one day that Marla would recognize that as their father I wasn’t going anywhere and would respect and support my efforts to be in the life of my kids. She always said that it was because of their ages she didn’t want them around me as much and things would change as they grew older. She had been setting a precedent that she would oppose time I shared with them.

When I first heard about “you” (or the idea of you… Idaho guy, possible move to Boise) I was very happy for Marla. Living with her parents must not have been fun and she had positioned herself that the only financial resources she had (or what she told me) came from me. I hoped for her future and prayed for her; that this could be a great thing for her and my girls. I was also excited to think that my children would only be a half-day journey away instead of the 12 hour trek to Oregon one way. When you and Marla were married (congrats, by the way) I had committed to try to have as much time with the kids as possible with the change in proximity. My first visit to Boise was before you were married and I had to live, once again out of a hotel room (always at my expense, Marla and I share none of the traveling expenses). The time that I took with the girls after your wedding was reluctantly given to me by Marla. I told her I was taking them to Arizona to see my parents and she vehemently opposed, stating that Catherine doesn’t even know me and it’s too much time away from their mom on the girls; a common theme in her rebuttals to me of time requested with the girls. This trip was made to visit my dad, who had two weeks previous undergone a triple by-pass heart surgery; had yet to meet Catherine and wanted desperately to see his granddaughters. After your wedding Marla’s disapproval was minimal to me taking longer weekends with the girls; but it has progressively deteriorated to where she is unwilling to allow anything more than she has to legally. She feels that it is too much adjustment for the girls to spend a Thursday to Tuesday, or even Friday to Monday. I remind you that two of those days are spent traveling. This past week she has told me that she will only allow me to have Friday afternoon to Sunday at 6pm; stating that they need to sleep in their beds in Idaho Sunday night. This is what the state visitation says is the minimum amount of time that I can have with them without having to negotiate. After discussing what that realistically meant for travel time and time with the girls Marla told me to get a hotel and spend the time in Boise. Marla has also removed her original efforts to meet me in Boise and says that I must travel to Emmett to pick up Jane and Catherine, adding an additional hour and a half to an already eleven hour trip. As I have made attempts to have a normal relationship with Jane and Catherine and have them as a part of my family here I have been met with resistance hung on the explanation of “it’s not what’s best for the girls.”

Back to the reason for writing; I am only seeking that a bit of consideration be given to me as I go to considerable distance and effort to have constant and consistent contact with my children. It is not reasonable to think that either living out of a hotel OR two days of traveling for one day of visit is good for Jane and Catherine. The norm should be the more time and access they have to me is better, not vice versa. The situation is a unique one and I feel that having an extra day or two considering the travel time is fair and that the children benefit from their time with me. Please put yourself in my shoes and try to understand both sides of this coin. It is taxing to have my children so far away and under the care of someone who wants them to have nothing to do with me. I am always met with resistance; and I know in there little minds they internalize the conflict they feel between Marla and I. I am sure that if you were in my shoes it would break your heart. I go weeks without seeing Jane and Catherine and them without me. Imagine how that would be; your kids are close enough that you can theoretically see them at your discretion. Since Marla left Utah I have had to chase them around the country, so to speak to be able to have a relationship with them. It has been emotionally draining, heart wrenching and expensive. Through all of this it is Jane and Catherine that are losing out. When they are here they have a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoy being here. They are allowed to miss their home in Idaho and talk freely of it. They feel the love I have for them and know I have not given them up, I have not left them for naught, and I have not consigned them to a life without me. They need this to continue and not to be thwarted. The need to know that it is okay for them to want to be here with me just as it is okay for them to love the family they have in Idaho. I am hopeful we can come to terms with this.

Marla has given me ample evidence to know that her feelings about the girls being here with me have nothing to do with them and what they can handle and more to do with me. She never argues when I assert that she holds a disdain for me as their father and wants me to have no place in their lives. The only time she wants me to make an effort or uses guilt toward me about being a father is when she wants money. Her feelings on what I should have to pay her or do for her are based off of her interpretation of certain aspects of the life I have with my wife and she feels entitled to a portion of that. She is crafty in the way she handles the situation with the girls, doing it in a way so that she can say to herself and others that she never gets in the way of me seeing the girls but does what she can to make it as difficult as possible. This is not good. It is not what is best for the girls and it does them no good to be in the middle of this. I have gone to all lengths to atone to Marla for the mistakes I have made that lead to the dissolution of our marriage, apologized numerous times, written letters and feel that enough is enough. She has said many times that she will never respect me or Amie and I feel that her resistance to the children to be with me is a reflection of that. She is married to you now and has a happy and healthy relationship with her husband; something I didn’t give her. It’s time to be adults and responsible parents about this and move on and for that I ask your help. Children need the influence of both of their parents regardless of whether the parents like each other or not. Considering the uniqueness of this situation and my willingness to travel we need to adopt a more conducive plan for me seeing the girls. It is not good to have them spend two days in a car for one day here, is it? Please answer yourself honestly and consider what I am hoping for. I do not want months at a time, only an additional couple of days every three to four weeks without argument or conflict. Is that unreasonable? Honestly? All I want it to have my kids near me.

Please consider these things and let me know what I can expect. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Bryce
801-xxx-xxx

P.S. Feel free to call me to discuss this manner. If you are unwilling to discuss it and it is a moot point I would appreciate it if you would at least send me some sort of response, text message, return email…so that I know that you received this. This letter is a shot in the dark so hopefully it will lead to a peaceful resolution. Sorry about the length.

And his rebuttal:

Bryce, I do sympathize with your feelings and the desires you express to be with your own daughters. Regardless of that, the situation is what it is now.
I believe the very best thing for the girls right now is to see you in frequent, often, and short visits. So however you want to work that out with Marla, have at it. I must support her as my wife in how she thinks best to handle the visitation.
I recognize that your traveling to see the girls must get a little old- perhaps if you could discuss some options with Marla...?
by the way, I would give anything to have my ex be even HALF as reasonable to work with as Marla is- of all the ex's I see, I think you've got it pretty good. Maybe you could be grateful for that. I REALLY don't think she is trying to harm you or keep you from the girls. She's the one who cries with them when they are hurt and confused and upset because they just spent days and days with a father they barely know. I know it will get better as they see you more and more- so, that's the good news. And they are growing up, handling things better all the time. It's just slow progress.
I'm sure this is hard to hear, you probably don't want to hear these things- it's just the bitter reality right now. I face some hard realities myself, with my kids. But the best thing we can all do to help the girls and make this situation better is to give them more frequent, consistent visits with you. I'll do what I can to help make that happen! Kevin

The division between perception and reality is as big as the Grand Canyon…

(To you girls, Jane and Catherine… hopefully this will all get changed before you realize what is happening. I love you dearly and I am doing everything I can to be with you…I am sorry.)

My Own Polar Express...

2006-12-28T14:40:00.000-08:00

It has been such a long time since I have written anything that I would deem worthy or thoughtful here in the blog. In looking back over the events of my life this last few months I feel that I haven’t felt inspirited and that nothing was happening in my life to record. I do have a lot of things to write down; wonderful things that have happened with my family over the past few weeks but I couldn’t get to the point where I felt like I absolutely had to write. It wasn’t until this past Christmas day that I found something that caused me to feel emotions that were milestones and noteworthy. I have referenced music many times in my writings and described the epiphanies that accompanied as a song awoke in me a sense of something that wasn’t there OR gave written description to something I had been feeling. This past Monday in the calm of a peaceful drive I found myself listening to a song that had been there many times before but one to which I never paid attention to the lyrics. That day was a peaceful one; Amie and I were alone and chose to travel to the hills and enjoy a day of skiing together. There have been many battles waging inside of me and the underlying theme in all of them is that I am not prepared for what growing old entails and how to come to terms with the hard decisions that must be made. On our drive I had one of my battles take lyrical form. Here it is:

“Stop This Train”
Written by John Mayer:

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
try to keep an opened mind I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
but honestly will someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
one generation's length away from fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
so I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
had a talk with my old man
said “help me understand”
he said “turn 68 you'll renegotiate
don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in
I don't think I couldn’t ever understand, I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train.”

Once in a while when it's good
it'll feel like it should
when we're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
and you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're driving away in the dark
singing

“Stop this train
I want to get out and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can
cause I now I see I'll never stop this train.”

To tie into the words of the song my life at its core has been very unpredictable lately. The past month was wonderful and terribly upsetting all at the same time. I was able to have my children here with me for a full two weeks (AWESOME) and then send them back to their mother two days before Christmas (LAME). One of those weeks we took Jane and Dorian to Disneyland and had a great time in southern California (AWESOME). I have been working with my bishop toward rebaptism and have been faced with yet another delay that has nothing to do with the day to day decisions that I make to life the gospel (SUPER LAME). Because of the details of what is happening I honestly do not have any clue when I will be allowed back into the Lord’s church and it must be stated that it has NOTHING to do with me not living the gospel. (I have not come to a point where I can write about what is really happening and not use this blog as a place to vent anger, hurt and misunderstanding.) Not disguising my lead-in; things with my former spouse have continued to be unhealthy for both ourselves and the children. As I write I feel a sense of anxious tension as I feel the desire to write details that albeit true are hurtful and mean. To that I say NEXT SUBJECT.

Disneyland was a great experience. The kids had such a great time and it was a blessing as a parent to be able to give that to them. Catherine wasn’t able to come with us this time; but Jane and Dorian had great times. I felt it a special time to spend some time with my daughter and build on my relationship with her. I have written it before but I have always felt a special kinship with her. She was so animated and excited for everything that I found myself in the solidarity of each moment becoming teary with emotion thinking about how much I love that child. Along with all of those moments there were three times in particular I wanted to record that made me smile. The first involved the princess’s at Disneyland. Jane wanted to meet them so bad and the only place that we were guaranteed to see them was a restaurant that we weren’t able to get a reservation for. It came to be that the only place we were able to let her get a glimpse of them was at the evening parade. At the parade when the princess came by Jane stood up and was waving and yelling “Hi Belle!!! Hi Cinderella!! Hi Sleeping Beauty!!! It was very cute and completely unexpected. The second was the last night that we were there. In order to walk back to our hotel room we had to walk through a strip mall called Downtown Disney. We were walking by the stores, seeing all the things that were there and Jane blurts out, “I LOVE this place!!!” Also very cute and completely unexpected… The third was we took the kids to Sea World the day before we left California and if you have ever been you know that there are a few roller coasters as well as the animal attractions. There is a ride called “Journey to Atlantis” and it was pretty crazy for adults, let alone kids (on top of that it had water that splashed you and the day was a moderately chilly one considering it was December). Jane really wanted to ride the ride and so we did, just the two of us. There is a part where you start at the top of a very steep embankment and then barrel down to a pool of water that splashes around you. Jane was holding on for dear life during that fall and was laughing and smiling ear to ear when it was over. We got done and there was no one waiting to ride so the attendant asked if we wanted to go again. Jane was so bummed that I said no, so I caved and we went again. Same result, Jane was giddy about the roller coaster. It was awesome. When we were walking about after the second time we passed a booth that had taken pictures of us during the fall and the picture of Jane and I was priceless; she was holding on to my arm with her mouth wide open and smiling ear to ear. She is so fearless… I love it.

My folks are here at the moment; they traveled in to town the day after Christmas and are staying until the weekend. It is really nice to have them around and I will be sure to write again here in the next few days about some of the other details of my life.

….and scene…

Me and Phoebs...

2006-11-27T12:39:00.000-08:00

Me and the dumbest/cutest Cocker Spaniel to ever wander the earth...er, i mean my living room.
(Hadn't posted any pics in a while...)

Giving Thanks... For A Weekend Badly

2006-11-27T09:06:00.000-08:00

Monday after Thanksgiving weekend: My body feels like I was in a fist fight and I have reconciled myself to a renewal of sorts. It is an overcast morning with the anticipation of snowfall later this week so I start my writings again hoping to go back to my personal “default settings” and remove the bad habits of the weekend. This weekend I ate too much, slept too much, didn’t exercise enough and feel old because of it. It is also a tough time business wise to maintain focus because for five days there is not much of anything that you can do to either get new business or have progress on your current business. The first few “trots back in the saddle” after that are challenging. BUT… here I am starting with the important things; I read my scriptures, ate breakfast and am now writing in my journal. The way I figure it after starting the day this way I can expect nothing but success for the rest of the day.

I don’t normally like to record in my journal my personal transgressions but yesterday was a day I don’t want to relive. I watched football all day long; didn’t go to church, shopped on Sunday and didn’t do anything remotely close to worshipping the Lord. It is no wonder that I felt empty and spiritually void yesterday. Before I went to bed I had a self inventory and thought about how inexcusable my actions were for the day and in a prayer I offered to Heavenly Father my promise that I would never act in that way again. In thinking about it I have used my excommunication as an excuse to make it seem that I have more challenge spiritually then the next man and that I should have a built in margin of error in the way my mistakes are handled with Heavenly Father. In reality I don’t have much left in the tank spiritually yet offer up a number of excuses to legitimize my lack of adherence to what is required of me. Regardless, I have concluded that my excuses will offer no relief to the reality that I have not acted the way the Lord would have me and I have been left to deal with the consequences of omitting or committing such actions. I have decided to change these behaviors and show a higher level of dedication and go back to the way I used to be; seeking for the spiritual gifts the Lord offers and knowing that my actions are not getting in the way of the Lord blessing me. I am reminded of the saying that a true winner one who always rises again after failure, not someone who never fails.

Along those lines one of the goals that I have this Christmas season is to get to know my Savior better and one of the ways I am choosing to do that is to read the book Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage. I have started reading and I love the rich texture of the literature as it describes different aspects of the Savior’s life and mission. I relish in the writing pondering that it was written inside the Salt Lake temple and by the hand of an apostle, commissioned by the prophet. I love reading meaningful commentary and I couldn’t find a more suitable book to read alongside the scriptures to help in my understanding of my Savior. I will make sure to report on different thoughts and feelings I have as I read and record them in my journal.

To close this posting I want to leave a quote that I found:

"Like those who were alive at the time of His mortal ministry, there are some among us who look for physical peace and prosperity as signs of the Savior's wondrous power. We sometimes fail to understand that the everlasting peace Jesus promises is an inner peace, born in faith, anchored by testimony, nurtured with love, and expressed through continual obedience and repentance. It is a peace of spirit that echoes through the heart and the soul. If one truly knows and experiences this inner peace, there is no fear from worldly disharmony or discord. One knows deep down inside that all is well as far as the things that really matter are concerned." Russell M. Nelson.

Fumes...

2006-11-23T22:21:00.000-08:00

It’s the evening after an eventful day on this day of Thanksgiving. I have indigestion and writer’s block but can’t let the day go by without at least posting something. In entries past I have not focused so much on the day to day activities that I was involved in but more on the emotions and feelings surrounding what I do; I haven’t been in a great place for writing so I have decided to record what I have been doing to spark those feelings so that I can then record them. Here goes…

Today was a busy day. We decided to have Thanksgiving dinner here at my home with Amie’s family. We didn’t eat until late so the day was spent in preparation of the meal and also of watching football (Cowboys beat the Bucs 38-10). As a side note the Cowboy’s have been coming on strong in the past weeks, their replacement QB has put up number’s equivalent to the league’s elite and it makes for a great time for the team to become hot as the end of the season draws near and the playoffs are close. Amie’s dad came over at about 3ish to watch the game. We started eating around six and that was when the house was filled with people; close to 25. Food was eaten, we cleaned up, people left and here I am, like I said, with indigestion. Why can’t I ever remember that overeating is LAME and not to be glorified!

I called the girls this morning to talk to them. It’s funny to me how Catherine will talk to me with greater ease than will Jane. I can hear in the background every time I call to talk to Jane that she is resistant to talk and throws a fit. I don’t ever really get to communicate with them and wonder if I am just calling to talk to them for me and not for them; that they could really care less. I had them over this past weekend and for the most part it was a great visit; everyone getting along and having a good family vibe. Having the girls around helps in my relationship with Dorian, I appreciate him more as I see the three of them together and how he genuinely cares about them. I remember not too many weeks ago taking him to get his hair cut and the barber asking if he had any brothers or sisters to which he replied that he had two younger sisters and he liked them a lot. There was no asterick, if you will that said they were step sisters or that they didn’t leave here all the time. He just said he did and he liked them. He also prays for them when we pray as a family. It seems that my concerns and love for them has been matched with the love and concern that Amie and Dorian have as well. I wish that I felt that the same regard was patterned in their home in Idaho; I am doubtful that it is.

Anyway, tomorrow Amie is dragging me out of bed early to go to the big “day after Thanksgiving” sales. It will be my first time being out and about before 7 a.m. for any sort of thing like that. (and to note, she was stunning today… such style and grace as a host…)

Very scattered entry… Tank is empty… in every way.

To A Screeching Halt...

2006-10-29T08:20:00.000-08:00

Today is an interesting Sabbath. It is the first day of Daylight Savings Time and so I have an extra hour this morning that I haven’t had since, well… last spring. I got up this morning and came into my office to study the scriptures and instead have spent the last while reading from my missionary journal; more specifically my journal from when I was in the M.T.C. in August and September of 1995. In reflection that time of my life was a great one; I was so young and inexperienced in the world and had such a limited understanding about life yet understood the simple things unpolluted by the changes that come from age. One of the themes that is throughout my journal is that I must remove my hard heart and seek for the Spirit at all times. Here are some quotes:

“Sept. 4, 1995: I am learning how important the Spirit is. I can’t teach without the Spirit and I need to live my ENTIRE live so that I am worthy of it. I pray that I will remember how the little things are important and it is the accumulation of those little things that add up to make the difference. Yesterday was an incredible day and I hope that I continue to obey that way I have today.”

Written a few weeks earlier:

“Aug. 8, 1995: The main thing I wanted to write about tonight is how I’m doing spiritually. I’ve hard a hard heart lately and had a hard time feeling the Spirit. I kept thinking about how I just assumed that when I came back here to the M.T.C. I would already have everything I need spiritually at my dispose. The whole night I have been melancholy in my thinking and decided to ask counsel from my Father in Heaven. I went outside and prayed. While I was outside I prayed for a lot of different things. I prayed for that firm testimony again. I prayed for that surety that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I prayed for the welfare of my family and friends and prayed for forgiveness. My prayer was wonderful but I know that it is only the beginning. Through experience I have learned that the cleansing power of the Holy Ghost doesn’t come right away. I’m still trying to humble myself enough to rid myself of this burden of pride. I know morally that I am worthy to be here, but I don’t know what could be keeping me from the Spirit.”

And last but not least…

“Aug. 20, 1995. Bryce, remember how you feel right now. You feel clean, forgiven, happy… There is that inner peace that can only be remembered by obtaining it. Hopefully you feel it right now as you reread this, but if you don’t… Get it back.”

It has been good for me to read these things. I feel like I am on a never ending highway where the destination is the feelings described above. The past two and a half years have been so taxing on me and my heart spiritually. I have faced up to my mistakes and sought to fix them the very best that I could and sometimes the only things that fill up my heart are sadness and regret; not forgiveness. I cannot tangibly remember what the Spirit feels like and I thank my Heavenly Father that I have journals that I can read that remind me at least of times when I felt it. I have such a strong motivation to be a better person; read my scriptures, show charity and love to my fellow man, pray… all those things but none whatsoever to attend church. Church to me at this point in my life is burdensome and boring. I cannot participate or share or take part in the ordinances that are the reason for going. I know that I need church I just feel so discouraged by how long I have been waiting to become a member of that church again that my attitude is “what for…” I need some fuel in my tank because as I see it, the fuel light has been on for years. Please pardon my candidness in writing; all these words really do is try to mask the way that I utterly miss the companionship of the Holy Ghost and being apart of the brotherhood of the priesthood….

True to the blog I will post this, but I will not continue on this rant.

Daily Reminders...

2006-10-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

"We live in a world where finding fault in others seems to be the favorite blood sport. It has long been the basis of political campaign strategy. It is the theme of much television programming across the world. It sells newspapers. Whenever we meet anyone, our first, almost unconscious reaction may be to look for imperfections."To keep ourselves grounded in the Lord's Church, we can and must train our eyes to recognize the power of the Lord in the service of those He has called. We must be worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. And we need to prayfor the Holy Ghost to help us know that men who lead us hold this power. For me, such prayers are most often answered when I am fully engaged in the Lord's service myself."(Henry B. Eyring, "Faith and Keys," Ensign, November 2004, 28.)

I'd say that this most aptly aplies to the way that we look at ourselves..

Carry on...

How Are You Going To Stop #81? Uhh... Sack His QB...

2006-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

This morning finds me in a peculiar place. I don’t usually write in the morning but I feel that doing so will allow me to write from a different perspective and draw from a different emotion inside of me. The weather this morning is beautiful; the only clouds that are visible are high in the sky and the air is cool and brisk. It seems that this winter is creeping slowly upon us in typical Utah fashion; the smell of winter is around me yet from the solidarity of behind a window it stills looks very much like summer. A befitting metaphor for a number of changes that happen in life in that from behind shelter things on the other side are somewhat misrepresented. I sit in my office here alone; the part of my family that lives with me are away and I have decided to write…

I have somewhat of a hangover right now. Not from any sort of alcohol (I don’t drink) but from Monday Night Football. I had written previously about how Monday night is a time for friends to gather in my home and enjoy the company of one another and watch football. That idea has become a full blown tradition and I enjoy it on every Monday night as my friends start to show up and we talk, play and watch football. Football has been something that has grown on me and I lament my disinterest in it when I was younger and regret that when my body was able to handle its abuse I never played. Being older and understanding the game the way I do now lets me realize how fascinating it is. To the layman it could be perceived as a barbaric display of unnecessary violence and I guess a portion of it is. There is so much scheme and intelligence needed to understand the many aspects of it and how so much happens all at once that I think that those who don’t like it really don’t understand it and haven’t given it a fair shake. It really is a modern day chess match. Last night was an entertaining game but I started to see that I am the kiss of death for a team on Monday night. This year every team that I have rooted for has lost the Monday night game; even the games I could have cared less about either team the one I chose to support lost. I guess the only way I can secure that my team wins on Monday night is to attend the game (GO FALCONS http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/8126/1845/1600/IMG_0441.0.jpg ) Regardless it is a fun time to watch. After thanksgiving the NFL Network will be broadcasting games on both Thursday and Saturday nights, making it so that Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday night NFL football will be available in HD in my home. WOW… I will need to stock up on chips and salsa! My hangover comes having been wrapped in the drama that is the game and left to a morning to think about it. It’s a good thing….

My body is so sore today as well. I have tried to take care of my body better in the past couple of years and I have done well at increasing my muscle density and lowering my body fat yet I haven’t been able to break through to that next level where I look completely fit and don’t have that extra layer of softness around my midsection. I have definition in my arms and chest that I have never had; I just can’t give up the sugars which deposit themselves on my gut and butt… There is a class at the gym I go to that is called Total Conditioning; it is 75 minutes of manipulating your heart rate above and below your anaerobic threshold. In order to get to the point where you can manipulate your heart rate like that you have to get worked to the point of muscle failure. I went to that class yesterday morning and it is a very exhilarating; BUT today I can feel every muscle in my body remind me what I just did to them. I need to go break a sweat again to get some blood into my muscles I just have no drive to do it. Aw, the beauty of growing old.

Things seem to be good. I write this feeling happy and excited for the weekend. I am going to get my girls this weekend and have them for the Halloween holiday. We have the costumes already for them; Jane will be Tinkerbelle and Catherine will be Raggedy Ann. Dorian will protect the bunch as Superman; very cute costumes. I miss them so much when they aren’t with me and when they are I cherish every moment that I have. I saw a movie once where a man was talking to his father-in-law to be and was telling him of the great love that he had for his daughter. The father-in-law said something to the fact that the feelings we feel for people don’t matter to anybody but ourselves and the only way people can know that we love them is to show them. In keeping to that theme I hope that the actions that I show my kids that I love them will be interpreted the way that they are meant to be. I don’t do anything for my children as an act of guilt for what has happened between their mother and I but as a desire that I have to be around them and take care of them. I don’t know how all of the details will play out but hopefully they will never second guess the love I have for them. I would love it they could live with me someday; there are too many complications to worry about right now to even entertain that thought for too long. For now I will cherish what time that they have here with me.

I need to start the day…

"...Push The Pedal Down, Watch The World Around Fly By Us..."

2006-10-18T00:21:00.000-07:00

Back to the blog… I am getting better at the times between postings and trying to write on a more regular basis. Since we have moved I have been swamped with the smallest and mundane things trying to get our home and office up and running. The aggregate effect has been days were I am been kept busy with a laundry list that is getting shorter as the days goes by. I am close to having things the way that I want and need them to be. Today was a good day, we basically have the home office set up, the network established and tomorrow I will learn how to use the main computer I have to act as a server for the other computers on the network. Yippee… exciting stuff…

I wanted to comment on the change I made to the appearance of the blog. I feel that the differences between the old template and the new one are symbolic of the outlook I have as I write and the tone that most of my entries take. The previous look of black background and white lettering was somewhat bleak. The new look of white background with grey writing lends itself to a more optimistic outlook. It is void of any real color so as not to be overly exciting and take away from what I might write, but nonetheless it is a good change. As I wrote previously I have felt that this new change and move has been somewhat of a rebirth for me and I wanted to convey that in my writing. I am sure that the some of the same tones will persist but I generally should be more hopeful in my pining.

Business has been interesting. I feel an excitement for the future and the time is split between dreaming of the riches that could be at my fingertips and the thought of ruin. I have a number of different “irons in the fire” that could be very fruitful. I have started more to understand the need that one has to surround himself with other people with similar goals and desires so that everyone can work together to reach their goals. This has helped to force out the negative thoughts and concentrate on having worthy motivations to what I am trying to accomplish. I have also started looking more at my own personal righteousness and how it plays such a role in the way that the Lord is willing to bless me. I have been given the chance to be apart of the lives of some very incredible people and I feel the Lord’s hand guiding me to empower them with some of the knowledge that I have that can bless their lives and the lives of their families. I can see how it is not always spiritual knowledge that the Lord wants His children to impart one to another and in so doing His love is shown just as if it were spiritual knowledge. I marvel at how blessed I have been throughout the past while that Amie and I have been married. Not to discount the absence that some of the most prized gospel blessing have had in my life, I still feel that the Lord has looked out for me.

On that front, I have no news to report about being rebaptized. Bishop Enger called me and said that Marla had sent him her letter and that he had all the necessary letters to get things submitted to the First Presidency. Unfortunately with us moving it puts everything in the hands of a new Bishop. I have been to church the past two weeks and have yet to meet our new bishop. Our new ward is monstrous, filling up half of the cultural hall as well as the chapel. This past Sunday I was able to get the number of the executive secretary so I should be able to get an appointment soon. Oh yeah, Stake Conference is this weekend as well which should add a nice delay. This has taken so long that I sometimes feel like giving up and just not dealing with it. I won’t go into it again about the trials associated with the type of lifestyle where you go to church as if you were an active member but aren’t. Not to mention last weeks lesson was about Agency and Consequences… sheesh, all right I GET IT…

Tomorrow I will be sending off the Marla the dates I am hoping to have the girls until the end of the year. I really hope that there isn’t any conflict with what I am hoping to do. I don’t think their should be but there is a pretty extended period in the month of December so I guess I will see.

It is very late and I am without words…Tchau..

No Title... Just Read.

2006-10-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to the blog. Holy almost a month! As a write this I sit in my new home reminiscing about the past little while and waiting for a client to show up for an appointment. Tomorrow I travel to Idaho to pick up my girls and bring them back here for there birthdays. I am very excited to see them, the last visit we had was too short.

The latest disagreement between their mother and I is over the amount of time that they spend here with me. When Marla first moved to Idaho it seemed like it was going to be a very easy evolution into when they would visit. As time permitted, and since they were not in school I would pick them up every third weekend for a long weekend; meaning picking them up Thursday and returning them Tuesday. Before the last visit Marla voiced to me her disapproval of that long of a visit and told me of the difficulty in their transition once they returned home. She originally suggested to me a one day exchange, meaning I travel to pick them up; they spend the next one day with me and are returned home the day after; two days of travel for one day here with me. I failed to see the reason for such a short visit and in our discussion our conversation turned much more accusatory that I will record here. Fortunately for that visit we were able to come to terms with a two day visit. That seems to be the limit that Marla wants to have them here; according to her that one or two extra days is such a huge obstacle in them being “normal” there in Idaho. As I am sitting here I am contemplating what ways there would be to overcome our inability to see the importance I have in there lives and how they need the time with me here in my home. I have been reading about the best ways for kids to handle the separation of their parents; it does them well to be here with me and for them to feel apart of this home as well as there place there. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me if Marla and I get this wrong, looking back I see the errors throughout in how things have transpired and how every step along the way has been masked as the right reason but has ultimately been wrong. Every time I pray I hope that in some way the effects of the drastic changes and distance to me that they have endured may be able to pass them by and be happy and healthy as they grow; void of some deeper issues only to surface later as confusion; trust issues or a distance to God. I also hope that I will stop allowing the dynamic between Marla to be as it is. We are co-parents of our children; she is not the sole parent with all the control over them. Knowing her; it will prove to be a very tough battle to wage in fighting for equality in the parenting and time spent with our children. I anticipate every step along the way her assertion that I chose this route and that in it’s self negates any say I might have in the direction of their lives. It’s so sad how this divorce has caused Marla and I to fight with each other using the most ugly and dark sides of our personalities. Hopefully time can give us a perspective that we don’t share at this moment. Regardless, tomorrow I get to see my sweet daughters… Great day ahead…

The past week has been very busy. My mom flew into town; we closed on the sale of the town home, packed up our house, lived out of a U-haul for a day and were finally able to move into our new place. We have spent the last days unpacking and making our house a home. Amie and I feel a great sense of peace about this home for it will be the first home that we two have shared only together. Our last two places have been scattered with past memories and hints of a life before. It has been a struggle to really let go of the regret of past mistakes and embrace the future for what it can be when every bedroom, scratch on a wall or stain on the carpet tells two separate stories of two separate lives. My memories of the past are so vivid sometimes that it is hard to believe how long ago they are. Our new home allows us to be able to have place that is not tainted with those feelings and enables us to find refuge in the resolution of the past and the dedication to today being a day looking forward. There is a certain amount of peace that comes when I think of building new memories.

I'll write more later, my client is here.

The Gnome Is Now Caged...

2006-09-10T09:01:00.000-07:00

This is new thing for me; I mean the time of day and my frame of mind for writing. It’s a Sunday morning and it has been such a very long time since I have written anything let alone had a posting here on the blog. I feel motivated to get back to old habits that once brought me to the page on a more regular basis. I have discounted what effect writing gives me to cope with the large and small challenges of life.

One of the things that happened to me and made it difficult to write was I have had some major computer difficulties. I needed more hard drive space so I took my computer to local store here to have another hard drive installed. It should have been an easy fix but for some reason I was given excuses with terminology like “incorrect jumper settings” and “unreconciled licensing issues.” After too much time, money and frustration I decided to take my computer to a more expensive, reputable computer company. After I told them of my issues they showed me exactly what the previous store had done and how they were going to fix it. They said that what I had been told previous was equivalent to being told that a gnome lives in my computer and that he was very angry so is holding my data hostage. BLASTED GNOME!!! In the end what I had to have done was to run a data recovery program to recover a bunch of data that ended up being inconsequential. It effected my work; was very stressful and now still don’t have the information that was on my old hard drive. I lost pictures of my family, old video journals I had made, letters to my girls… including the music that I lost from iTunes it was about 75 gigs of data.

As the blog will attest blessings follow hardship… I was so bugged about losing all that data and the possibility of losing all 35 gigs of my music that I became a man on a mission. My iPod still contained all the music that I had, but I knew that if I plugged it into my computer that iTunes would erase it all and I would truly have lost it all my data. I went to the Apple store here in Salt Lake and asked them what was available from them for this type of problem. The salesperson gave me the standard Apple answer… “Unfortunately, you blah blah blah….” Then he crouched his shoulders down, looked both ways slowly and whispered to me about a program that was available for download on the internet that would allow you to copy your music back to your computer from your iPod. His reaction made me think that he has telling me where to get some drugs or something… Funny… I found the program and have recovered back to my computer all the music I had. I told my neighbor about it and he offered me his iPod full of music for mine, so last night I added his library to mine with my nifty new program… all because of my hard drive issues…

Since my last posting we have closed on our new house. I don’t think I was very clear about it but our new home is currently a model home for a builder. We will be moving at the end of September, not October because the builder is leasing it back from us for this month. The home where we currently live in is also a short time away from closing; we are under contract and hope to have it wrapped up and finalized soon. Amie and I are so ready to move, when we closed on the house we thought it would be good to have this time to prepare, plus we get to use the lease payment from the builder to help with some of the expenses that arise when buying a home. Reality has set in that we are on the hook for our new home, it is all that we want, and we only get to look at it from afar until the end of the month. I recognize that these aren’t real problems, just inconveniences. Please excuse the whining.

Last week my girls were here from Wednesday night until Tuesday morning. Each visit gets better and better with them here. Jane and Catherine both were very happy and enjoyed being here. All the kids got along…. It was a good visit. One thing about my kids is that it doesn’t matter what time you put them to bed, they will wake at the crack of dawn; without fail (must be the Hassell side of them)… After they leave my internal alarm clock stays that way for a good week of rising with that feeling of needing to check on the kids. Catherine is talking more and more; she is just the sweetest little thing. Jane is a crack up with the things she is learning to say; her logic and ability to connect rational thought is increasing. She would catch me off guard with little things that she would say that made me laugh. She has been having issue with going to the bathroom in her pants; she doesn’t want to miss any of the action when kids are playing so we had to ask her all the time. She didn’t have any after the first day or so here. Amie and I have been quasi-planning a Disneyland trip for the kids and the bargaining tool we use with Jane is that if she is good and doesn’t have any accidents she gets to see Cinderella’s castle and meet her. After we told her that she would talk about it constantly; reminding us at the beginning of every Disney movie that we would watch that we were going to the castle on the screen if she didn’t have accidents. I can’t wait to give that to her as a memory. Even if she does have accidents we will take her, we just want her to try her hardest…

As far as the church is concerned I have no idea about the time frame for me to be able to be rebaptized. I am told one thing, then another… I am hopeful that today at church the Bishop will have some news for me. Two weeks ago he said he needed to talk to me; I waited for him at church and tried to speak to him but he seemed too busy. Last week we didn’t attend our ward, my cousin Jake and his wife Marissa blessed their baby at their ward in Eagle Mountain so I wasn’t able to speak to him. When I picked up the kids this last time Marla told me she was having a difficult time writing the letter she needed to which could be one of the delays. It seems the closer that the time gets for me to be a member again the more delay there is. To me completely honest, right now I am so exhausted of this fight that I don’t have much left to keep at it. Going to church as if you are a member and not being able to act upon anything is very taxing. The Lord has blessed me in other areas of my life to compensate for the blessings that I cannot receive in my current state, but nonetheless I need this to be over soon.

I will write more, maybe later today…

I Think The Word I Am Looking For is "Hiatus..."

2006-08-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

What a hypocrite I have become… I post an entry not too long ago touting my greatness at keeping the commandment of journal writing and POOF… a month passes by. In all fairness I have made journal entries just not any postings… I have an internal struggle any time I write down anything too personal thinking that it is not fit for the general public. That thinking hurts the integrity of this blog… please forgive me.

The past month has brought upon me and my family a number of changes. Spiritual changes, financial changes, emotional changes… all have occurred. Amie and I decided that after having reached a few key milestones that the time had become right to start looking for a new home to buy. We found one that we were excited about, made an offer and are currently about a week (maybe less) away from closing. We will not be moving yet; we will be leasing the home back to the builder for a month so we will officially be moving at the end of October. We are very excited about our new home, it will be big enough to allow for all the things that we have shown concern for; a home office, a play room, rooms for all my children and a BIG garage (that was key for me). We had decided to rent our current home, going through all the necessary tasks to secure someone to live here after we moved but in doing so found that the values of homes here in our area has skyrocketed. We put a “For Sale By Owner” sign in our front yard last Saturday and today accepted an earnest money check to precede an official contract tomorrow. It happened so quickly that it took us off guard. Needless to say these things will bless our lives tremendously.

This past week the girls have been here. I went up last Thursday and picked them up from Marla and returned them today. Things with Marla lately have been very cordial and I have been pleasantly surprised. I have missed the nice person that I know lives inside her and it seems that she and I are being able to have an open dialogue about things regarding our children and still remain respectful. This visit with the girls was great, the kids got along better, Catherine continued to escalate her celebrity status with everyone she met and Jane made me feel like a loving father. One concern popped up; Jane kept referring to Kevin as her Daddy and after questioning her she seemed a bit confused. She said that she had Daddy Bryce and Daddy Kevin. Very lovingly we discussed with her that she has only one Daddy; and that was me. I asked Marla about it and she said that she has recently started doing it, especially around Kevin’s children; trying to fit in. I asked Marla if she could help me to reinforce that although Kevin will offer a loving a positive influence in her live that I have the only one that deserves the name Daddy. I told her how when Catherine first started coming here that she would call Amie “mommy” and how we would correct her and how now she calls her Amie. Marla was receptive to my feelings; something for which I am grateful. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am not but I would be liar if I didn’t admit that one of the underlying emotions to this whole concern was jealousy. I need my kids to know who I am and I make all the effort that I currently can to be in their lives. I do not want to share the sacred name of Father with any one else… NEXT SUBJECT… We took the girls to the new house and showed Jane where her new room would be; she was very excited for things to happen. Having the girls here challenges Dorian in a very positive way… tonight Dorian was riding his bicycle more aggressively than he ever has and I have reason to think it had part to do with a bit of friendly competition between he and Jane. Albeit a blended family, I feel a unity and love within our home that is uplifting and healthy. I have to wait another two weeks to see the girls….

I have been meeting regularly with my Bishop in preparation for rebaptism. Two weeks ago he asked me to write a letter to the First Presidency stating my feelings about a number of different things, among them my feelings about the Savior and His gospel. I will post a copy of my letter at the end of this blog for I feel that my posterity should know the testimony I bare and how this experience has affected me. According to my Bishop both Marla and Amie need to write letters; Amie has already written hers and hopefully Marla will have hers to Bishop Enger soon. After than I meet with the Stake President and from there I am unaware of what will happen. I am hopeful that it will all be resolved in the next six weeks before we move. I am sure that it will…

So many memories come back when I ponder about being a member of the church again. My testimony in the reality of the atonement making whole all mistakes is definitely challenged. Some of the things that were effects of my decisions I cannot comprehend how the Lord could fix them. I know he can, I just can’t see it… I guess that I revert back to the first principle of the gospel for help with that one…

Life is good… Here is my letter:

“July 30, 2006

To the First Presidency:

Unfortunately, my story is not unlike many you may have already heard. I was excommunicated from the Church on August 22, 2004 for the sin of breaking my temple and baptismal covenants through adultery. I was married to a woman to whom we shared temple covenants, a beautiful daughter and were expecting another. I became involved in a sexual relationship with a woman to whom I have since married and through my decisions lost my membership in the church, my family and the confidence I had to choose the right. As I left the court it was whispered in my ear that what had just happened was a sign of our Father’s love… at the time I didn’t understand what that meant. As time has passed I have started to see the wisdom in that statement and have waited for the opportunity to express to the church my regret and sorrow.

I write this as an expression of my desire to be allowed back in to the fold. Through my experience of being excommunicated I have realized the many blessing I gave up in exchange for the decisions I made at that time of my life; blessings I sorely miss. The effect of my decisions will affect those I love for a time that I cannot foresee; and for that my heart weeps. During that dark period in my life I struggled with depression, thoughts of suicide and ruin on every level. I felt as though I was looking at the gospel from behind a glass wall. Through others I could see the blessings of the gospel; church service; members strengthened through their families, the gift of the Holy Ghost manifested and yet could only feel glimpses of those blessings as I surrounded myself with those people. In looking back I feel as if the imperfections of my testimony and misunderstanding of the gospel were being burned away from inside of me and being replaced with a true understanding of all that God requires of us and the abundance of His blessings as we obey. I would not wish my path upon any soul but thank my Heavenly Father for the understanding that has come as I seek for His trust again. The beauty of the atonement is in the things that we can’t see; the way that the Lord through the sacrifice of His son can make sense of our lives after we have done everything we can to mess them up. I have gained more of an appreciation of the Lord’s Church as I have been a spectator to it and what it does for His children. My prayers have become more sincere as my heart unequivocally knows how dependant I am on His grace and love to be redeemed.

In seeking rebaptism one of the thoughts that were most concerning to me was the conditions offered on the day of my court. I was challenged to abandon the relationship that I had outside of marriage and fully reconcile with my wife. Since that day I have turned away from the actions and attitude that led me to make the decisions I made but I was not able to abandon my relationship or reconcile with my former wife. I have offered many prayers and asked forgiveness from my former spouse and the Lord for the things that caused my marriage to end and wish that the contrary would have happened; but I have since put more effort into my marriage relationship. I seek for all the blessings that marriage can offer with my wife and feel a part of a warm and healthy relationship. I have abandoned all of the actions that led to my excommunication. Even though I now have a different spouse I have seen the fruition of a mere thought and have chosen to not entertain any such inappropriate seeds as the only outcome is not of the Lord.

As evidence of my desire to be rebaptized I offer the following report of my actions. I have maintained in my heart a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and His atonement. I know of the importance of church attendance and have remained as active as my circumstance allows. Although I have not been able to actively participate I have attended church as though I could. I have sought out the help and encouragement of my church leaders and have followed their council to the utmost compliance. I accepted President Hinckley’s challenge to read the Book of Mormon by the end of 2005 and have continued on in regular scripture study and daily prayer. My wife, stepson and I pray together as a family daily. Although I have not been able to pay tithing I give freely of my means and seek for the blessing of paying tithing. I am now current in all my legal child support obligations and every third week I travel to bring my children here to be with me to be apart of my family here. I seek for the full blessing the gospel offers and although I have not been privy to those blessings for the past while I live my life in a way that would allow for them. Whatever time table the Lord sees fit for me to return to his fold I am willing to wait.

I close my letter with an excerpt from my journal from after this part April’s General Conference. I have found joy in the keeping of a journal and add this to the list of things that I am doing that the Lord requires of me. My heart swells with emotion as I think about the waters of baptism washing away my sins…again.

“After the conference ended, I felt the impression to pray with my wife. I called her to me and told her of my desires and thoughts. We gathered in our room and prayed together, asking that the affects of the conference would continue to linger in our hearts and home as the days and months passed before the next. We prayed for our families, our children and each other. We offered thanks to a loving father for what he had just allowed us to feel and hear. My wife then went on her way and I stayed in the room feeling inclined to read from the scriptures. I picked them up, and begun reading in 2 Nephi 10. I seem to have trouble maintaining a happy heart considering some of the sorrows of my life, and a scripture that I read helped me to remember how to qualify myself to all that the Lord has promised. “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves- to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. 2 Nephi 10:23-24.” What a wonderful scripture! I had so much more say to my Heavenly Father, so I did; kneeling on my bed and offering another prayer to the heavens. I told Him that I was not praying in sorrow, but with joy in my heart; I expressed my gratitude for all that has been done in my life to bring me closer to Him. I thanked Him for my blessings and was very specific in describing what those blessings are. I asked that my children might be brought closer to me; I prayed for their mother to have love and the Spirit to guide her in the decisions that will affect them. I prayed for remembrance in the days to come of what I was feeling to guide my actions and increase my character. I prayed that the day would soon arrive that the Lord would trust me enough to allow me into His fold once again. I prayed to again be allowed to bare the priesthood of God and bless the lives of those around me. I asked for missionary experiences and recognized the opportunity around me to teach the gospel to those who unaware of the magnitude of its blessings. I prayed that my wife would grow in her understanding and love of the Savior. I offered thanks for the environment to which my children live and their access to things of the Spirit. Eyes wet, I concluded my prayer with a heart full and came straight away to this journal. It has been a good day.”

Sincerely,

Daniel Bryce Prescott"

It’s a long one…

Go Falcons…

"It's Hard For Many To Believe That Extraordinary Things Live Inside Themselves As Well As Others...I Hope You Can Keep An Open Mind..."

2006-07-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

It seems I have found myself watching a lot of movies lately involving superheroes. It could possibly be because of the time of year, summer seems to be the time to resurrect those comic book type stories, be it on the big screen or on the television. Take a second… think of any story line that you have heard, read or watched involving that sort of character; there is something special or peculiar about a person; they start to recognize their own differences between them and those around them; they act in a manner that is beneficial to those around them; sacrificing their own life, sometimes limb; their reward lies in the bringing about of the better good. This universal storyline is something that I have started to dissect. Bear with me as I draw a correlation between the actions of superheroes and those of us, the not-so-super uh, heroes.

Last night I watched one of these type stories. The main character was in a relationship where he had a wife and a son, and his marriage was in jeopardy. He wasn’t completely aware of the abilities he had inside him and something in his life seemed amiss. He couldn’t explain why, but it was. He met a gentleman that started to enlighten his mind to the idea that he could be “special.” He denied that it was true, but after time and trial he started to see what he had subconsciously believed all along. His counterpart that had opened his mind to these thoughts offered the idea that the reason for the unhappiness in his life and the melancholy he faced was because he refused to believe in what he actually was and act upon those gifts that he had been given. The story ends in typical Hollywood climax. The conflict is faced, resolved; add in a little twist and boom… great movie. Once he owned his uniqueness and realized that he was special; his action followed with the subsequent aiding to the rescue in the community of the world. One of the key elements to the story was the main character seeing the limitations his own weakness played in his ability to be who he was meant to be. At first he saw his weaknesses as the reason he wasn’t special. In the end he realized it was a similarity that all those in his position faced; defeat was always a possibility but by knowing your own weakness you may strengthen yourself again and conquer what you thought you could not conquer.

Today at church there was a lot of focus on the Holy Ghost; mainly how to nurture that relationship and the need that we all have to be strengthened through its influence. In priesthood we talked of how God’s children don’t choose the outcome of their decisions but they lose sight of what that the outcome is for their decisions and then they choose the things that are ultimately their downfall. We spoke of the great need to understand what temptations are thrown at us and why…Pardon the sports analogy, but when you understand the opposing offense you understand how to stop it. Same is said for the opposing defense, you can succeed by knowing its weaknesses and limitations. A thought came to my mind reminding me of a quote by President Monson that I had read that demonstrated what happens when we do not fortify ourselves from all sides of evil…

“I recall an experience of a few years ago. A group of friends were trail riding on strong Morgan horses when we came to a clearing which opened on a lush grass meadow with a small, clear stream meandering through it. No mule deer could wish for a better home. However, there was a danger lurking. The wily deer can detect the slightest movement in the surrounding bush; he can hear the crack of a twig and discern the scent of man. He is vulnerable from but one direction—overhead. In a mature tree, hunters had erected a platform high above the enticing spot. Though in many places this is illegal, the hunter takes his prey as it comes to eat and to drink. No twig would break, no movement disturb, no scent reveal the hunter’s whereabouts. Why? The magnificent buck deer, with its highly developed senses to warn of impending danger, does not have the capacity to look directly upward and thus detect the enemy. The deer finds himself in harm’s way. Man is not so restricted. His greatest safety is found in his ability and his desire to look upward—to “look to God and live.”

There is a point to all this… I have been made acutely aware of my weaknesses…I do not presume that I am a superhero in anyway (wink); but I appreciate the Lord in His willingness to share with me the ways that he has blessed me with imperfections. This having been said, I have a perfect uniqueness that as his son; I share a relationship with my Heavenly Father that is individual to any other relationship that I have. This makes me special, this makes me loved… this makes me Bryce. As my life continues to evolve I learn more about my need for the weaknesses that I have. I am reminded that my only true happiness can come through acting upon the knowledge that I have and blessing the lives of those around me. I thank my Heavenly Father for reminding me through my weaknesses of my need for redemption. I feel empowerment as I overcome my imperfections everyday and grow towards being a more perfect man. I feel closer to my Savior as I work toward fortifying myself and my family against the adversary.

These thoughts came about because of what I learned at church this day… It was a good day. I am off to bed to rest for another day of fighting crime… ok, not really (but seriously…)

I've Done Something Write...

2006-07-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

Along with this entry are some pictures… So much for them not cluttering the page, but I want to share them. The first is a picture of my father’s scar from his surgery. To add to the validity of what I have written I wanted to show what his chest looks like after a triple bypass. When we were in Arizona he has in good spirits and seemed to be healing well. This coming week he has another post-operative checkup and I’ll be sure to report once I know more. As of today, he is getting better at a phenomenal pace.

The other pics are of me and my kids. I got to talk briefly with them today on the phone and I can’t wait to see them again in a week and a half. Having them in Boise makes it so much easier to have them around. Having them around for that 10 days really helped me to heal a part of myself that had been dark for a long time. I saw a glimpse of a life where although they don’t live with me they are close to me and I to them; I saw us growing in the way that the Lord would have considering the circumstance. It feels good to heal…

Today in church I would have to say I didn’t feel a twinge of guilt. I felt like I was in the right place and felt that the things that I was doing in my life were the things that I needed to be doing. The lesson in priesthood today was about journal keeping and it was appalling to me how many of the people that were in that class actually keep a steady journal. It was discussed that you really have no idea what effect the record of your life will have on those that read from it later; I have to say that I pray that my efforts will bless my posterity. It seems that everything that we have from our ancestors is in one form or another a journal; everything from the actual journals, the scriptures, priesthood lesson manuals… they are all records from the past that testify of the blessings that come from a Christ centered life and the pitfalls that come when that way is neglected. I feel that if I wish to have any lasting influence on my family I need to keep the commandment to keep a journal with religious zeal. I want my influence and testimony live on, so I’ll record it. So to my loved ones that read these words, please learn from the mistakes that I have made and hold as true as possible to the way of the Lord. He loves you…

There are many other things I can write, but I will save them for the next entry. Toodles…

Dream Beneath A Desert Sky...

2006-06-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

I might as well use my time while I am here… It’s Sunday evening once again and I am in Surprise, Arizona visiting my family. On Friday I went to Boise to pick up my children; drove them to Salt Lake and then Saturday drove here with the rest of my family. I am feeling spent as it has been quite a bit a driving over the last few days. Add to that I personally feel that Arizona is hell’s waiting room; the temperature was 114 degrees today. I have vowed to never come to Arizona again unless after October 15th and before April 15th.

It has been a great couple of days so far. Having my children around is one of the most rewarding blessings of my life. I love each one of them with such a fondness… Jane is not only my daughter but my friend, I enjoy just being around her and watching her grow into a wonderful person. Throughout this trip her and Dorian would sing different kids songs together; Itsy Bitsy Spider, ABC’s, Take Me Out to the Ball Game etc. Today she just started singing I am a child of God, all by herself. Even though it may seem insignificant it made my heart swell… She is definitely a toddler, she has her fits and tantrums like the rest of them but I feel that fatherly connection with her and sense the same love towards me from her. I am lucky to be her dad… and Catherine; that little girl is such a riot. So full of energy and joy… always talking, never afraid to smile and loves everyone. I love the moments with her where she seems me a yells “Daddy!” I have always felt a fear that I would not be able to have the kind of relationship that she deserves because of the distance that she has living with her mother, but I have been reminded that she too knows that I am her father and wants my love and attention. She is just so loving…She has even been overly affectionate with my mother; which warms my heart. Jane was always somewhat reserved with my mom and I think that it might have hurt her feelings a bit. Not Catherine… loves Grandma and shows it….

On the drive down here we brought a book called “Just Like Daddy.” I don’t know who the author is, but it’s a children’s book that talks of things that children see and feel and how it’s just like daddy; hence the name of the book. Actually, every page ends with the phrase “just like daddy.” As we were driving here Amie was reading the book to the kids and Jane would freely repeat “just like daddy.” Amie then started adlibbing and saying things that I do while ending with “just like daddy.” Some of the things that we being said about me were very endearing and the kids agreed enthusiastically. It caused me to think about it thinking it was the first time that I can recall being celebrated as a father to my kids. This past Father’s Day I didn’t get to talk to my kids; for whatever reason they did not call. I know that at their age they don’t understand but nonetheless it left a bitterness that took me a few days to get over. I love my kids and despite what mistakes I have made in the past I am doing all possible to make it as right as I can so that they know of my love for them and my dedication to the Lord. Until they get to be the age where they understand what all this means I will continue with my efforts even if it goes unnoticed.

As we were driving here I noticed a very enlightening coincidence and decided this should be the place to record it. We drove to Arizona through Las Vegas and the last leg of this trip is traveled through the Joshua Forest. Although Joshua Tree National Park is most known for being in California part of it is in western Arizona, and we were fortunate enough to drive through it. U2 named their album after the trees in that forest (The Joshua Tree) and even photographed the album cover and liner notes in the Joshua forest. The tree itself is quite extraordinary, it doesn’t grow very tall and the climate to which it thrives is without much water and extreme heat; but it maintains a way to offer shade for itself on some of the bigger trees. I appreciated it’s perseverance as I correlated the way in which we are required to thrive through a loan and dreary world. Although I knew about the Joshua tree I was unaware that I would actually be driving though the forest. This was my first time driving to Arizona this route and my family told me that the last leg of the trip was the ugliest, but I will have to disagree. I was listening to the Vertigo Tour album in Chicago, to the song “Running to Stand Still” as we came upon the beauty I beheld. It was a wonderful alignment of time and space to come upon it as I did and realize where I was…

Running To Stand Still:

And so she woke up from where she was lying still;
Saying I got to do something about where were going…
Step on a steam train, step out of the driving rain
Maybe run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha la la la de day
Singing ha la la la de day

Sweet the sin, but the bitter taste in my mouth;
I see seven towers but I only see one way out.
You got to cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice,
you knowI took the poison from the poison stream
then I floated out of here…
Singing ha la la la de day
Singing ha la la la de day

She runs through the streets with her eyes painted red
under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway, she brings me
white gold and pearls stolen from the sea…
She is raging, she is raging and the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill,
She is running to stand still

So there we have it… two days of my trip so far…

Worse Than Taxes...

2006-06-17T00:38:00.000-07:00

Today has been a crazy day... With all of the stuff going on with my dad I also had to pay 80 bucks to have a boot removed from my car as it was parked right in front of me as I was washing my H2. I won't go into too many of the details, but it was UGLY. I haven't been that heated in an argument for years... Anyway, I just finished writing the following letter to the HOA in response to what happened. It's self explanatory...

To whom it may concern:

My wife and I are the owners the property with the address XXXXX S. Xxxx Xxxxx Xxx located in the Bluffs at Oquirrh Park Community. This letter is in reference to an incident that occurred approximately 8:30 p.m. Friday June 16, 2006. On said evening my vehicle was booted by Joey Towing Inc. out in front of my town home as I was in my driveway washing my other vehicle. I had parked my car on the street while I was beginning to wash my SUV, keeping my car in plain view the entire time. My car was not obstructing any through traffic, any limited common area space and was not on the street long enough to warrant a boot (See Section 5.2 of the RULES AND REGULATIONS: THE BLUFFS AT OQUIRRH PARK dated March 31, 2006). I was hosing off my SUV as the tow truck drove up, the operator seeing me in plain sight walked up to my car and put the boot on my car. I immediately went to intervene, but to no avail proceeded to have a very heated argument with the driver as he proceeded to tell me that he was only doing his job as per his agreement with the Home Owner’s Association President.

The discussion with the tow truck operator included:

-Threats by the tow truck operator to call the police for my “belligerent conduct.”
-Threats that he would just tow my car and I would have to pay for two days storage PLUS the boot fee since the tow company isn’t open on Saturdays.
-Declarations that I was being “done a favor” that all I had to pay for what the boot removal fee.
-No other options giving me to have the boot removed from my car other than to pay then 80 dollars in cash.
-Statements by the towing company that they don’t give warnings any more.

The purpose of this letter is two-fold:

1. Seeing that the tow company operated under edict from the Home Owner’s Association is becomes necessary for me to require of the Association that the money that I paid in having the boot removed be reimbursed to me (a copy of the receipt is included with this letter). As per Section 5.2; being that my car was in plain view the entire time, even if it was on the street for longer than 5 minutes it was a first offense; and as per Section 8.1.1. I received no warning for the infraction. If I had been asked to move my car, I would have; but I was not given that chance. Because of that, reimbursement is required for this breach of the association rules.

2.The agreement with the HOA and the towing company needs to reflect an overall sense of fairness for the owners in this community. It is for looking out for the property of the home owners and NOT to be used as a racketeering scheme by either the HOA or the towing company. It has become clear by this situation that there is a disconnect between what is fair for the home owners and what the Association allows by the third parties it contracts with. Because of its heated nature, the experience that I had with the tow truck operator was witnessed by many of the owners on Sage Flats Way. In speaking with many of them after the situation was over it was echoed by them that it was clearly unfair/unjust what had just happened and that the quality of the individual that worked for the towing company was one of little professionalism or hygiene. It becomes necessary to have the Association change the company that monitors our streets on our behalf to a more reputable company where the owners are not berated and verbally assaulted for merely trying to exercise their rights given to us by the Association.

I trust that these concerns will be addressed. It is acceptable to have the reimbursement for the boot removal to appear as a credit on our HOA invoice that we receive monthly. For any further information, please feel free to call XXX-XXX-XXXX or email bxxxx@exxxxxnlenxxng.com.

Regards,

Bryce Prescott

Wow...What a day...

Surgery Update 2.

2006-06-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

It’s the evening of the same day the previous entry was posted. I received many updates throughout the day from both my brother and my mother, the last one being that my mother had been able to see my father post surgery and that he was fine. Things went better than they had anticipated, throughout the whole surgery he has stable and as predicted they realized a triple bypass. As of writing this I haven’t heard if he has been spoken to after the surgery but the news as of now is that he is fine and things are well… I will write more later…

Surgery Update 1.

2006-06-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

So much for a pre-surgery update… Today is Friday, June 16, 2006 and as I write this my father is currently in surgery for the heart conditions I previously wrote about. After my last entry he had the pre-operative appointment I referenced and they scheduled his surgery for today, June 16. I write this with a nervous anxiety for the outcome of today and praying that the surgery will go well. I called my dad last night to talk with him and to express to him my love and appreciation for him and his influence in my life before he went in today for his operation. As he recounted to me the many different expressions that people have shown him of their love for him it seemed that he was relaxed and prepared for whatever outcome this surgery manifested. He has had such an outpouring of love from those people around him and his family that I am confident that if the worst scenario happens he would leave this world knowing of the profound effect he has had on so many people; most of all his family and friends.

On to the technical stuff… The doctors told him that he at least will have a triple by-pass. Because of the strain on his heart over the years his heart is actually enlarged; so there is a possibility of them removing a portion of his heart that would make it smaller. They will enter his chest through his sternum, opening his rib cage to expose his heart all the while he is sedated and being closely monitored by an anesthesiologist. The surgery will take about 5 hours, so as of right now (real time) he has been in surgery for about and hour. They will then drop the transmission, lube the chassis, change the oil (I believe it will be with 5-30w) and then fix the bad cylinder (Sorry, couldn’t help myself). I don’t know many more of the details after that.

I will post this and then update again later. I am hoping for the best… LOVE YOU DAD!!!

Remember The Other Entries, Bryce...

2006-06-07T00:39:00.000-07:00

This entry will be very brief. It's more to remind myself as I go back and read the entries that I have written that there are other things that I have written that have not been posted. Hang in there and things will find a way to work themselves out... God Speed...

Be Still My Beating Heart...(Okay, Not Really Funny)

2006-06-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

Pardon the language, but I suck at this writing thing…lately anyway. I have had so many things happen to me in my life lately; every time I think that I should sit down to write I end up being distracted and the opportunity AND the ideas pass me by. It is Sunday night and I don’t have any ideas brewing but I am forcing myself to add to this journal. The first thing that comes to mind is the family fast that we had today. Here are some details why we fasted…

I have written before about my father’s health issues and the condition of his heart. I don’t recall if I had given specific details, but at the beginning of May it was scheduled that he was to receive a combination defibulator/pacemaker in his chest to help restart his heart and keep it beating in case of another heart attack. At the end of April he had a follow up appointment with his cardiologist in preparation for that surgery and found some alarming issues that were not recognized before. He was then scheduled for an angiogram, which he had this last week, to see how things were inside his heart. They found out that his heart was worse off then they had anticipated and that had he gone through with the installation of the pacemaker that his heart is not strong enough to handle the stress; it would have taken his life. The surgery that will take place to rectify his problem is a multiple bypass open heart surgery. He has a pre-operative appointment this coming Wednesday after which they will schedule the procedure. According to my father, the amount of time between Wednesday’s appointment and the surgery will be minimal; a few weeks at the latest.

My family decided that this is a good enough reason to have a family fast. There aren’t many things I have been able to participate in since “black Sunday” but fasting is one that I have been able to take part in and still feel somewhat a part of the fold. Amie and I have fasted on numerous occasions, so even with her somewhat limited understanding of the gospel and it’s blessings she sees its importance as well. It was a good fast…as I closed I cannot say that I felt an overwhelming feeling of relief that my father would be stayed from further heath issues; but I did feel that he would be fine, as would my mother and that the Lord’s will would be carried out. I don’t know what that means but it brought me peace knowing that my small offering to the Lord in behalf of my father was listened to and considered.

This experience has reminded me of how I am somewhat sheltered from death. I have never lost anyone that really mattered to me in my life to physical death. I have experienced loss in my life (this blog should bare witness to that) but never in the form of someone close to me passing on to the next world. Seems like a selfish irony that the possibility of my first experience of death would be my own father; it would abruptly introduce me to the sorrow that is associated with that end. Also it would solidify to me the reality of the eternal relationship that I have with him and bring a somber peace as well. Dad, you are a great man and I am thankful for the example you have set to me of Christ-like love and charity. Stick around as long as you can…

Speaking of father’s and eternal relationships…a week or so ago I was speaking with my uncle Scott. He is the stake president in the area where they live and I called him to ask some questions in regards to the relationship that I have with my own children and how that will all work out in the eternities. These thoughts have weighed heavy on my mind lately and I needed some resolution to my heartache. Jane was born in the covenant, meaning that her mother and I were married and sealed in the temple and were worthy of the covenants we had made. When Catherine was born I had already been excommunicated two months prior and so she is not technically sealed to me because of my disobedience to covenants I had made with the Lord. I have spoken with Marla in the months past and she has expressed to me the desire that she has to have the girls sealed to her new husband; from what I understand she has already petitioned for a cancellation of sealing (that means she wants nullified the sealing we had in the temple and her marriage to me). The overall tone in our conversation was that I really don’t have a say and I need to do what’s best for the girls and left them be sealed to him. I have a big problem allowing that to happen; partly from the standpoint of any declaration for “what’s best for the girls” that doesn’t involve me seems biased and partly from the way that I feel the timing is not right for that decision to be made considering the relative newness of our split and the eternality of a sealing. I explained to Scott my concerns and heartache to which he listened and gave council. He encouraged me to use foresight in my association with Marla and not to dwell on the anger that I may feel. He outlined to me the details of my eternal relationship with my girls and told me to believe what the Savior teaches about forgiveness and restoration. He reminded me that things would be restored; council that I much needed to hear. He admonished me to look past those who say that I am not worthy to receive such restoration and to pray A LOT. Before we ended our conversation he gave me the most comforting piece of council. “Sealings, temple marriages, family, covenants, sin, repentance ALL of these things will get worked out after we are through on this earth. All of us are here as a test, you, Marla, even your children will grow up and be tested. Everyone has to be faithful for an eternal family to be complete. Make sure that you are ready for that day by fixing things every time you mess up. If you can’t totally fix it; do what you can…it will work itself out.” So that’s what I’ll do… all that I can.

I love my children and miss then badly as I write this. I feel so sorry that I put our family in a place where this is even a concern. I place in the Lord’s hands the desire I have to have them for eternity and hope that things can work themselves out. I trust that God knows more than I do and loves me, my kids and their mother enough to help all this to be sorted out. The Spirit tells me He can and will…

Anyway, it has felt good to write. I will do better about writing and update no later than Thursday to share when my father’s surgery will be. Off to bed…

I Have A Blog? I Had Forgotten...

2006-05-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

Writers block, be gone! I think that I might finally have something come out of my fingers on to the page that might be worthwhile. As you can tell it has been a while since I have posted an entry. To both of you that actually follow this blog, sincere apologies… to my posterity that read this in the future it won’t make that big of a difference. Anyhow…

Things have been good, for the most part. As I write this I am in my office at my house winding down from a few items of import that I just completed for work. Things with work have started to show improvement again and I am confident that the lull that I had a few months back has at least been stayed off for another month. I try not to dwell too much on those things and focus on the important things in my life but I find that in order to have my kids near me, be current in my support obligations, remain relatively out of debt, etc. that I have to make money. My job has allowed me the ability to surmount large financial obstacles without having to stress too much over long periods of time. Being that I am a salesman when something comes up instead of having to plan and budget meticulously for months or years I just have to “get more deals.” Currently, I am working on building a team of loan officers to work with me similar to the way that I started my career with Alex. He had a great thing going with the team he built; he just didn’t have the communication skills to teach us to want to be loyal to him. The first team member of “The Prescott Group” is Nate Nelson, a twenty-something B.Y.U. graduate that is almost engaged to be married. He started doing loans with Wells Fargo Financial and became so disgusted at the manner in which they conducted business that he came to Envision Lending. An acquaintance of his told him to seek out Amie to process his loans, (she’s the best) and that’s how we met. He has been a great friend and associate and I am hopeful for a fruitful working relationship over the years. Unfortunately for Alex, I learned in working with him that being a good leader and mentor has nothing to do with the money; it has to do with the value of the relationship and maintaining that fragile relationship as the trainee learns more of the business and becomes more independent in his abilities. Nate has a good head on his shoulders and we both recognize we have a better chance to succeed working together. As things get stronger with Nate I will add more team members; hopefully to the end that my Niche Funding project will start to show some fruit. Such is business…

Amie and I spent the Mother’s Day/Anniversary weekend in Las Vegas. When we got married a year ago we stayed at the newly opened Wynn Hotel on the strip. The Wynn sends me emails periodically and a few weeks ago I received one for incredibly cheap rooms for the weekend and half price show tickets. It was a very nice weekend, just the two of us reminiscing about what the last year has been for us and where the next one will go. Being that I had never been and the tickets were half price we went to the show “Le Reve” at the hotel. It was incredible. The theater was designed especially for the show; it was a giant “theater in the round” with the stage being water with different floating stages that appeared and disappeared for the different parts the show. “Le Reve” means “the dream” in French and the show was seven different representations of dreams one might have. There was high flying wire work, diving from incredible heights, dancing and even a bit of comedy. I would google “Le Reve” to see some clips from the show; it was almost magical.
Life is starting to settle down a bit but still has significant trials. I still miss my kids every day and can’t wait for them to be closer to me; which should be within the next month or so. My relationship with my step-son is rocky at best; this week seems to be a new low for us. I have expressed to Amie the struggles I have with him and why I feel such a short fuse with everything that he does. The reasons I feel these feelings is that I don’t feel that I have any say in what goes on with his life. To him, I mean nothing; matter of fact the times he is the happiest are the times when I am away. Amie feels that I am too hard on him and never show him any sort of friendship and so that is her reason for feeling the need to “protect” him from me. Amie has admitted that her endearment to me is tied to my relationship with him, adding to the loneliness of the situation. I look at him as one of the costs of my kids being far away and he has no respect or gratitude for the positive things I have brought into the life of his mother; only that I am the guy that takes away attention from his mother. This week I have pulled back completely in the situation having Amie handle everything with Dorian; I don’t think I have really even spoken directly to him for the last few days. He has subsequently been bubbly and happy making my world seem even larger and my influence even smaller in it. How is it possible that a four and a half year old can already wield this much power to his surroundings? What is the right thing for me to do? I feel so much confusion in this area and know that if it continues unchecked that it will deteriorate even more to the point where it affects Amie and I more than it does now. It is devastating to feel that as a possibility; I cannot live in such a way.

On a lighter note, we are attempting to sell our H2. We have tried in the past but this time we are really putting the effort out to get rid of it. I will be posting it on eBay here in the next day or so after I finish getting the info that I need to post it effectively. It has a lot of goodies in it so it should be able to go reasonably fast. I will add a picture of it with this entry as a remembrance.

Welcome back to the blog…

I Think I Know What You've Been Asking Me; I Think You Know What I've Been Trying To Say...

2006-05-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

As promised, I must update my blog. Today is the third day after my return trip back to Boise with my children. I have been trying not to focus on how they are now not with me again to the point that I feel that is the reason for the delay in my writing. I picked them up last Friday, brought them back here and had a great couple of days with them. We spend the entire time together doing “family” stuff. We took them to an aquarium, the zoo, shopping, to visit my Aunt Lynn and Uncle Scott, church, games at the house, etc. There was not one awkward moment with either one of my daughters, they were comfortable here in my home and were disappointed and sad when it was time to leave. I can’t wait until these visits can be a normal, scheduled occurrence. I don’t know when that will be; Marla remains ambiguous with me about her plans that will have her in Boise indefinitely. I have said it before, but I will repeat myself; my children are amazing little people. I feel such overwhelming feelings of love for them. I am so taken by them and their personalities; they are happy, kind, cheerful kids with a desire for good things for all around them. I sure miss and love them.

Words aren’t really flowing from me today; I will just post some pictures from the weekend. Enjoy…

Say Goodbye To The Old Street That Never Cared Too Much For You Anyway...

2006-04-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is going to be a great day. Amie and I are traveling to Boise to pickup my children and bring them back here to Utah for the weekend. I am so utterly excited to see my children that sleep is a far cry this evening. I will update this blog later to report on what happened and how the weekend went. As for now, I leave this update with the following entry that I wrote last Saturday in the late hours of the night. I did not originally post it in an effort to let the ideas I had written down cultivate for a few days to show whether or not this entry deserved posting. I think that my feelings deserve to be posted. Here they are:

"Funny thing happened at about midnight tonight… I found the family blog that I referenced in my previous entry for my former in-laws. It’s kind of ironic to me that after having just written an ode to them and the way that I appreciated them that I found myself reading epithets about me that would make it hard to conjure up those same feelings I had just written about. In one post I am referred to as “the donor,” called a schmuck, indirectly mocked for my shaving habits, not having a skill with tools or woodworking and having more than one ski suit to wear. My taste for expensive things was also indirectly addressed as a downfall. In one of the comments Kevin (Marla’s new husband) says that I am afraid of him, knows I have seen his new Glock and that he would like any excuse to kick my “trash.” Her brother says it’s good that Kevin packs heat because then he “at least he can shoot Bryce.” Another thing that I learned is that Marla is already in Boise; something very upsetting to me considering how ambiguous she has been about when she would be arriving there after I have expressed a desire to see my children as soon as possible.

I write this sitting here numb. I never expected my former in-laws to throw a parade in my honor but I also never expected it to come to this. I can handle the abuse, but what is the most disturbing to me is the climate to which I am referenced around my children. It’s one thing to think things are a certain way, another to know they are. I don’t know how to handle all this…

A few days ago I called Marla to talk with her about some details surrounding the home we used to own together and a trip to Arizona with my kids. I described to her the details surrounding my father’s impending heart surgery and asked if I could arrange a time toward the beginning of May to come to Boise, pick up my girls and take them to Arizona to see my father at the time of his surgery. Her first reaction was one of disgust and awe that I would actually think that she would allow such a trip, and after I delicately reminded her of the visitation rights I have now that Catherine is over 18 months old her story evolved to “it would be too hard on Catherine, she doesn’t even know you.” I have struggled with feeling that she doesn’t want me to have a presence in the life of my children; I have even spoken to her about my feelings only to have her give me her reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. I have looked at her as a woman of a higher moral code but the harder I try to see her that way I keep having evidence to show otherwise. I struggle every day with the decisions that I made that have affected my children and just once I would want to hear from their mother that she has played a part in the events that have affected them since we split. I have yet to have Marla admit that she contributed to the demise of our marriage; and she bases her decisions in dealing with me off of the premise that it was me, 100% that caused our problems. Our inability to validate the others perspective has obviously callused our association with each other. We have gone rounds about her “need” to go to Oregon; and how that was the worst thing that could have happened for us and ultimately sealed our doom. She disagrees; says I forced her hand and God confirmed her decision. I have probed the deepest parts of my heart and soul to try to understand why leaving with my children to go 800 miles away would have been an option that the Lord would endorse and have only come up with one conclusion… Regardless, I feel somewhat hopeless for a civil, respectful relationship with her and her new husband.

My thoughts are very scattered and clouded as I write. As a form of defense I must state that I have used this blog as a means of sharing what goes on in my life and to show to my friends and family a side of me that isn’t visible. Contrary to what people may think, not being a member of the church is not a free license for sin and I have not used it as such. One of the things I have learned since “Black Sunday” is that excommunication doesn’t remove from you the need to keep the covenants you have made with the Lord; it removes the blessings for keeping those covenants. It is only through reproving worthiness and re-earning trust of the Lord are the blessings restored. I am doing all that is in my power to restore what can be restored; right as much as I can what has been wronged and be a better man than I have ever been. I have concluded that much of my actions and intentions will be misunderstood by individuals that may choose to look at my situation with discolored lenses. I vow to keep this journal honest; and part of that is refusing to pollute it as an outlet for my anger and hurt with similar degrading monikers towards those who see it fit to use me to ridicule. My memories will not change because of what I have read; but my candor is describing them in the future will be dimmed. It is very late and I am very tired… Hopefully this week I can see my kids…"

I was right, this week I will see my kids…

And Even I'm Getting Tired Of Useless Desires...

2006-04-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

My blog calls again. It has been a number of weeks since I have posted an entry. I have written since then but the entries were so bleak that I didn’t feel the need to have them here for public display. I have felt uninspired lately and today those feelings have added upon themselves so that I feel somewhat lost. I have been happy, for the most part these past weeks and think that maybe the public nature of this blog has stunted my desire to share. I have felt things that are extremely personal lately and I am unsure what the effect would be if I verbalized them to the page and posted them. I will write them anyway.

My ex-wife is soon to be remarried. There are many good things to come about because of this; there is hope that she will move closer so that my children will be closer to me, she will no longer have to be alone which could only help in her personal quest for happiness, and a few other reasons not worth mentioning. I read an entry from a blog that one of her sisters keeps which referenced how funny her family is and quoted her fiancé and his reaction to their “uber-secret” family blog. After reading that I started to feel things that I didn’t think I still had inside; I felt jealous of that family relationship and incredibly sad that one of the effects of our divorce and separation was that I no longer had access to that. Even though I still harbor hurt feelings for the way that things transpired when Marla left I have many fun and lasting memories of a time when the world seemed smaller than it does now. This is probably magnified because the relationship that I have with my current in-laws is very different. My father and mother-in-law are not people to which a mutual draw is felt. Amie’s sisters provide her with a group of friends but each one of their spouses are so different that there is not a general sense of unity outside of the blood lines of their family. I miss feeling apart of an in-law family where there is much in common to draw people together.

This week I met with my bishop again. It was a good interview but I left it feeling more hopeless than when I arrived. I know that he didn’t intentionally wish to have it be that way but sometimes things just happen. As quickly as the decisions come that can take away your membership in the Lord’s church He sure makes you wade through miles of mud to get it back. My bishop told me that his father was in a similar situation when my bishop was a child and he is glad that he is a in the calling he is because it has changed the way he looks at people who fall. He told me that before he was called to be a bishop that he felt little tolerance or acceptance for people in my situation and encouraged me to be forgiving of others if that is the way I am received (Why do I go to this church again? Oh right.. It’s true…). The real purpose for his interview was to talk to me about things with Amie and her testimony. He expressed to me the concern that he has about me teaching her the gospel since I don’t have the capacity to teach with the Spirit and that if she and I don’t have the same goals spiritually that it will affect our relationship. He asked me if I would have any objection if he started meeting with her one-on-one to help her have access to things of the Spirit. I welcomed his invitation and hope that things grow with her and her relationship with Heavenly Father. She is a very kind woman; charitable and loving. I don’t know why there has been such difficulty for her in cultivating a stronger testimony of the gospel. Whatever the reason I am hopeful that one can develop. Like I told her, “I already know the sky is blue, I am just trying to get you to look up and see for yourself.” I hope for that brighter day…

Well, it seems the melancholy of the moment has passed… Thanks for sharing…

"...Bringing Glad Tidings To The World..."

2006-04-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

As I promised in my last entry, I am writing about the thoughts and intents of my heart from the past two days. The 176th Annual General Conference of the church adjourned shortly ago and I feel a need to express to my family and friends my testimony. The Spirit is here with me as I write, and I express my thanks to Him for allowing me to feel truth this day. He has been present in my home as I have listened to each of the sessions and felt the will of the Lord manifest through His servants. I have appreciated the theme of encouragement and invitation from this conference and commit to a more thorough understanding of the atonement of Jesus Christ. My testimony has been strengthened in the reality of the risen Lord and His gospel; the reality of a prophet and divine revelation and the reality of the atonement. I was reminded that the Lord knows how to succor His people. What a blessing to know such glorious things.

Today we were supposed to attend the afternoon session but as fate would have it we did not get in. Traffic coupled with a late arrival made it so we were turned away at the door. Regardless, we listened as we drove home and I was able to finish the conference in the confines of my own home. The experience I had after the closing hymn made me think that as in so many instances in life, that disappointment was a precursor to a greater blessing. As much as I enjoy being there, the window of the television allows the rays of the gospel in just as easy as being there. The Spirit handles satellite transmission very well…

After the conference ended, I felt the impression to pray with my wife. I called her to me and told her of my desires and thoughts. We gathered in our room and prayed together, asking that the affects of the conference would continue to linger in our hearts and home as the days and months passed before the next. We prayed for our families, our children and each other. We offered thanks to a loving father for what he had just allowed us to feel and hear. My wife then went on her way and I stayed in the room feeling inclined to read from the scriptures. I picked them up, and begun reading in 2 Nephi 10. I seem to have trouble maintaining a happy heart considering some of the sorrows of my life, and a scripture that I read helped me to remember how to qualify myself to all that the Lord has promised. “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves- to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. 2 Nephi 10:23-24.” What a wonderful scripture! I had so much more say to my Heavenly Father, so I did; kneeling on my bed and offering another prayer to the heavens. I told Him that I was not praying in sorrow, but with joy in my heart; I expressed my gratitude for all that has been done in my life to bring me closer to Him. I thanked Him for my blessings and was very specific in describing what those blessings are. I asked that my children might be brought closer to me; I prayed for their mother to have love and the Spirit to guide her in the decisions that will affect them. I prayed for remembrance in the days to come of what I was feeling to guide my actions and increase my character. I prayed that the day would soon arrive that the Lord would trust me enough to allow me into His fold once again. I prayed to again be allowed to bare the priesthood of God and bless the lives of those around me. I asked for missionary experiences and recognized the opportunity around me to teach the gospel to those who unaware of the magnitude of its blessings. I prayed that my wife would grow in her understanding and love of the Savior. I offered thanks for the environment to which my children live and their access to things of the Spirit. Eyes wet, I concluded my prayer with a heart full and came straight away to this journal. It has been a good day.

“And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophecy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins (2 Nephi 25:26).” That is the purpose of this blog, and this day. Until then…

Old Doors Are Closed But He's Always Open...

2006-04-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. I am hopeful that I won’t overlook anything as I recount the happenings of the last little spell in life. Some very wonderful spiritual things have happened, celebrated Amie’s 25th birthday, saw a great concert of one of my favorite artists and am writing this as this dawn will bring the general conference of the church. As fate would have it I will recount what’s happened as chronicled above.

This past Wednesday Amie and I met with out new bishop. Last Sunday we went to what we thought was the right chapel/ward only to find out that it wasn’t. We were given the number of the executive secretary of the ward that we were told was ours only once again to find that it wasn’t. I finally hunted down the right number to call and set up an interview for us; our stake had recently been split so naturally there was a bit of confusion as to where we would attend. I should have trusted the church website… I looked up where we should go and didn’t trust it because the building is miles away and this is Utah. We pass four church buildings to get to ours. Our bishop’s name is Bishop Enger and he is only a shade older than I am. He also served his mission in the Porto Alegre north mission and left as I was arriving in the south mission which made for some interesting conversation. In our interview Amie and I told him of our intentions in the ward and committed to him our activity and devotion to the gospel. I was very emotional talking to him. My daughters, my situation, my standing in the church were all subjects we discussed and was relieved as he listened with love and concern for me and my family. I felt truly uplifted as I left his office. He asked Amie to bare him her testimony, and the experience that followed is one that I will cherish for a lifetime. I had never seen or heard her speak of such things and she bore a very sweet, humble testimony of times she had recognized the Spirit. He told us that he loves to see people grow and that his emphasis as a bishop has been to have his ward take upon themselves the admonition of Alma; mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. He assured us that we would be welcomed with open arms. It was such a relief to feel that way… being in the last ward had stripped me somewhat in the faith that I have that members of the church can be accepting without some sort of agenda attached to duty. I know the bishop loves and cares for us; even thought we haven’t attended a meeting yet I also have faith that the ward echoes his sentiments. I used this phrase before, but I felt a portion of my shame disappear and become hope. Much is in store…

The day before all this happened was Amie’s birthday. We thought that we would take the day and go skiing together, so that’s what we did. I called my friend Todd at Deer Valley and with his help with lift passes we skied, ate great food and enjoyed the day together. Amie is getting so good at skiing it surprises me, she is almost to the point where I can take her anywhere on the mountain and she isn’t intimidated. She even took a jump in the terrain park, a feat to which I was thoroughly impressed. I kept showing off with my newly acquired 540 trick, and she fed my ego in a manner befitting a wife. It was a fun day. I can’t wait for the times when I can take all the members of my family skiing. I have always felt that Jane would be a great skier; she is fearless and has no issue with the cold (something key to skiing). I don’t know how Catherine will fair but seeing that my blood runs in her veins there is definitely hope she will follow suit. We finished off the night seeing a very entertaining movie. As we recapped the day we recognized that it was a very good day. I hope that she enjoyed her birthday as much as I did.

On to the musical part of the program… a few months ago my friend Doug learned about James Blunt coming to town. He is a musician with quite an interesting past, he used to be in the English military, his father was also a lifer in the military, he didn’t grow up with any music played around him yet one day picked up a guitar, starting learning to play and attached some of his poetry to song and poof… Rock Star… I bought tickets to this show months ago when they first went on sale and thought they could tie in nicely with Amie’s birthday. Last night was the show; it was a bit deceptive because on the ticket it said that the show started at 8 pm but when we got there a bit before eight we learned that James didn’t hit the stage until 10:30. We sat through two lame bands before we finally got to see the name on the stub. The wait was definitely worth it, he was a vibrant, entertaining performer. I am always curious to see how a live performance will pan out, especially somebody like him for his music is very passionate and heart felt. It can be hard to translate such music to the stage. The most poignant part of the show was when he played a song called “No Bravery.” Before he started playing he said that would be showing some footage on the screen to accompany his performance; footage that he took in 1999 when he was in the military and serving in Kosovo. The footage was riveting, so much destruction, hints of death, overall sorrow were displayed. Imagine those images to these lyrics, coupled with a haunting track of only piano and voice:

"No Bravery" By James Blunt

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
Tears drying on their face.
He has been here.
Brothers lie in shallow graves.
Fathers lost without a trace.
A nation blind to their disgrace,
Since he's been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

Houses burnt beyond repair.
The smell of death is in the air.
A woman weeping in despair says,
He has been here.
Tracer lighting up the sky.
It's another families' turn to die.
A child afraid to even cry out says,
He has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness.

There are children standing here,
Arms outstretched into the sky,
But no one asks the question why,
He has been here.
Old men kneel to accept their fate.
Wives and daughters cut and raped.
A generation drenched in hate.
Says, he has been here.

And I see no bravery,
No bravery in your eyes anymore.
Only sadness

His performance came across literally tied to his experience in Kosovo, yet I felt a deeper, less literal connection to the destruction that happens between people when we hurt each other. After our emotional battles ensue, after “he has been here” we can at times be left feeling so wounded that there is no bravery for our cause left in us, only sadness. I became quite stirred during that performance as I connected the dots between what is real and what is perceived; my mind attached personal experience to each one of the descriptions of destruction and made the feelings tangible and real. Great song… He was equally as impressive with his other songs; second most notably the song “Goodbye My Lover” to which he asked the crowd’s silence as the song was a “quite song.” Check out his album, “Back to Bedlam,” it is a good one.

Today is the start of the 176th Annual General Conference of the church. I welcome this time of year and the promise of renewal in my life. My home is filled with feelings of love and the Spirit as we watch the prophets and apostles speak of the Savior. This day is no exception. I will be sure to write about the impressions I have as I watch the speakers and tomorrow as I attend the afternoon session. I am excited for this day and what will transpire…

Until next time…

Songwriting With Training Wheels...

2006-03-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

I have finally written a song that I am proud of. I did it half way cheating, I took the music and stanza construction for a song that already existed and wrote my own lyric. I figure that it was a good start into the world of songwriting to get comfortable with attaching words to a melody. I wrote this to my precious daughters...

“My Little Child”

Music taken from the song, “Jerusalem” by Peter Brienholt.

Words by Bryce Prescott:

And so we lay here to rest
And so we lay here in a place we’re called a guest
Your broken words among us are what’s said, my little child

You and me, we are the same
In you I see a spark and know you’re life will see much fame
You spoke to me before you had a name, my little child

I’ve never felt love quite as dearly
As I do when you are with me, my little child

Our time has passed, the sky is dark
The spotted lights above me guide me home with empty heart
Our journey home won’t always be apart, my little child

Let the heavens open to you as I pray
And let you see the man I am as I am far way
And grant you all the love you need this day, my little child

And now we lay here to rest
And now the sorrow’s gone, the sun begins to crest
And spread it’s light abroad, no hint of jest, my little child.

I Bid Adieu, Good Freinds...

2006-03-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

It’s official. We have finally moved. Last week, in a whirlwind, we decided that the time had come and that we needed to leave. We finished the painting we had to do and within three days were packed, moved and sleeping back here at our town home, the location to which I am writing this entry. It has only been recently that the storm has begun to die down and I have started to feel a chapter of my life close. I have written of how reluctant I was to let go of that home and all that it represented to me and my life. I still don’t think that I am ready to let go, I most likely will find myself driving by in lonely moments reminiscing about a time of my life when things weren’t so complicated. I have had so much of my life transpire there; My faith was tested and proven, I brought two children home from the hospital, it was the first home that I had ever purchased and yet lost it all in the same small space of square footage. I know that it is not the Lord’s way to dwell on the past, but I have learned that the pain associated with longing is a vital step in the journey back to our Heavenly Father. I would like to leave a quote from a book that I am reading that struck me as profound.

“The most anguishing kind of pain often comes self-inflicted, by way of major transgression of the Lord’s commandments. It is a pain felt when we recognize the gulf that exists between what the Lord has commanded us to do and what we are actually doing. This kind of heavy-duty pain- weighing upon our spirits like lead, piercing us to the soul with self-doubt and self-loathing- is there not just to make is feel remorseful about what we have done. It also serves an important function in the process of repentance.” Pain Is Inevitable Misery Is Optional; Hyrum W. Smith; p.48.

I think it appropriate to individually address my appreciation for some of the people that affected me whilst I lived in that home. I have found that in my desire to be a better man that one important trait I would like to exude is one of gratitude. I feel the need to express my gratitude to certain people. Here goes…

Grant Eggertsen: One thing that I have learned from Grant is that Mormon’s do not have a monopoly on God’s love. I have never felt anything but genuine love and concern from him throughout the time that we have been friends. I remember “coming clean” in my office to him about the darkness of my situation and having nothing change in his behavior towards me. His spouse openly accepted my wife, and befriended her without any sign of judgment. This past Sunday he came to me as a worthy priesthood holder and dedicate my home as a refuge from the world and a place where to gospel could be taught freely. I love that man. In jest, he claims that he doesn’t really care much about people, but I have a different perspective. He is charitable and kind. I hope he knows of my appreciation for him.

Tim Brooks: Tim and I have traveled quite a road as friends. We have disagreed bitterly about things, and shared similar interests and personality traits that have fueled a likely friendship. He was my home teacher for as long as I can remember and I look to him and his friendship in a similar way that I do the home I lived in; he has been there throughout the valleys and the peaks of my life the past few years and along the way I have never felt judgment from him. I hope that our friendship will continue throughout our lives updating each other of the wonderful milestones that will occur along the way. I pray for him in his struggles to feel the worth that he has as a son of God; and hope that he can learn to pray to see things as God does. He will then see what a great man he is and how his influence spans farther than he could ever imagine. Often times as I watch him with his two daughters I feel a twinge of jealousy, for I see in him a father’s love that is abundant and encompassing. He expresses freely his love for his children, a privilege that I wish we shared.

Bishop Nipko: My most memorable “snapshot” of Bishop Nipko happened August 22, 2004. In the events that transpired that day, he came with me as my advocate. After we adjourned I was very emotional and feeling alone. With tears in his eyes he embraced me and reminded me that what had just happened was not a punishment, but a sign that God loved me and needed me to learn His way more fully. Since that time he has served diligently as my leader giving council and love when I needed it. He listened to my heartache and concerns, and sympathized with me. He was without guile. He represented the Savior well as my Bishop. I hope that his life continues to be blessed in the way that it has and that others can get to know him and appreciate who he is.

There are more things I could write about each one of those men, but I choose to leave my words as they are. I feel excitement for the future and what the Lord has in store. As I write I feel a portion of my shame fall away and become hope. To quote Edward R. Murrow, “Good night, and good luck.”

Another Rambling... Isn't This Horse Already Dead?

2006-03-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

I am feeling compelled to write today. It falls outside of the norm of when I write but something is drawing me to the page. Yesterday was a great day and today has brought some feelings to my heart that I would like to express.

Yesterday I went skiing with my cousin, Jake. Jake and I have always been friends; ever since the time when I first moved to Utah I had always felt a certain kinship with him. We went to Powder Mountain; a resort that is up in Ogden Canyon and is about an hour’s drive away. There were very few people there and the snow and weather were gorgeous; adding to an already great day because of the company. He is six years younger than I am yet we share almost all of the same interests; we appreciate the same thrills for recreation, I guess I would say. We have worked together on two different occasions; the first at Deer Valley as a mountain bike instructor and second as a rental technician when I managed the rental shop at Snowbird. I think that is where we really started to build a friendship that extends further than the blood lines that tie us together.

One of the reasons I reference Jake is that I have really appreciated his influence in my life lately. We spoke briefly yesterday about the dynamic that has evolved in the extended family that I have here in Utah since the breakup of my marriage a few years ago. At one time I was on very familiar relations with all of my aunts, uncles and cousins that live here locally. Things have changed since then, and even the close relationship that I had with his parents has changed significantly. I thanked him for the constant love that I have felt from him and his wife despite a very easy road they could have chosen to remove me from their daily lives. There were many things that I didn’t say to Jake yesterday about how real my appreciation is for him and what his acceptance means to me. Someday he might have the chance to read this, and I hope that however his life has transpired that he would know of my great love for him.

Today a thought crossed my mind. What if I knew when I would leave this earth and how would that change my behavior today…how would I be? In thinking that way I briefly examined the relationships that I have in my life and felt an instilled desire to express my love to those who I care for. The first people that came to my mind were my children, then my family, relatives, friends… I would leave this world a sad man if the intents of my heart weren’t made known to those whom have affected me in an uplifting way.

I watched a movie recently about a man who was dying who went to a certain type of doctor for help in prolonging his life. The doctor upon examining him told him that he had a lot of anger inside and it was a poison to his body. He needed to forgive those who had offended him. He said, “the last second of your life is the most important. The seed for your next life is all that exists in that one last second. All the hurt and anger will follow you. Up until that last second it’s not too late to change what you bring with you and forgive.” Not all of that statement is true, as far as God sees things, but it does lend itself to probing thought. I carry with me a lot of anger, and a lot of hurt. I know that I have hurt people and destroyed some very sacred agreements yet I still feel that it is me who needs to forgive in my heart. I think about some of the things that have happened to me and do not feel that the punishment fits the crime. Maybe that is the proof I need to know that I do not truly understand to what magnitude I fell, but I have crossed the bridge knowing the manner to which I handled things was truly and ultimately wrong. Regardless, I take from this a sense of who really loves me and cares about me and an urgency to get past these feelings. Twisting my statement above, I would leave this world a sad man if the intents of my heart were made known to those whom have affected me. I believe that these feelings can be fleeting and I can move on.

In concluding this entry today I do not offer any resolution. I only make the step of recognizing these feelings as real. I remind myself that I am surrounded by people who do care for me and my welfare. I remind myself that time heals a number of wounds and that my children will have a chance to be around me in their lives. I remind myself that God loves me, and I am a good man. The atonement is real for everyone, especially me.

Therefore, I Would That Ye Should Be Perfect, Even As I Or Your Father In Heaven Is Perfect... 3 Nephi 12:48

2006-03-12T20:55:00.000-08:00

The entry preceding this one was actually written on Friday morning, two days ago. I posted it today because it was one of the times where I had felt so unsettled in what I had written that before I posted it I let it marinate for a few days. I then went back and read what I wrote, changed it and then found it to be blog worthy.

I have been thinking this week about a number of different things. Today in sacrament meeting a former gospel doctrine teacher in our ward spoke about the principle and doctrine of perfection. In the scriptures we are commanded to be perfect, and it is only in understanding what that means are we able to accomplish that invitation. Today as I have thought about the details of my life and how the future may unfold I have felt a need to understand how to be perfect. I do not believe that it is merely the realizing of a checklist of commandments to which the Savior references. Brigham Young spoke of how “the Father is only as perfect as He has capacity to be, and that [Brigham Young] is only as perfect as [he] has capacity to be.” I understand this to mean that whatever knowledge and understanding we possess currently we are held to and that is the bar to which we are judged. This in no way removes the responsibility to obey the Lord’s commandments, for even if we are not aware of them we still have a need to follow them. What is does mean is that we must, at all times, act in the way that we should act. It changes everyday because of our decisions; being perfect today will directly affect my ability and choice to be perfect tomorrow. I have struggled being in the state that I am not having some of the same opportunities I as once had to try to be more that I can be. I received a bit of hope knowing that there is a reason that our lives are as long as they are. There are so many chances to change the course of action our lives take and move toward a better way. I don’t know if that made any sense, but having heard what I did today has motivated me to be better; a sure sign that it is a true principle in that it has changed my behavior.

One of the other challenges that I have been facing is maintaining a spiritual atmosphere in my home, especially on Sundays. The combination of the way I used to handle Sundays and the way my wife used to has sort of blended into a Sabbath where at the end I long for more peace. I am not insinuating that it is because of her in the least, but I do feel that my own commitment to keeping the Sabbath must be more perfect. I feel the Spirit as I keep the commandment to write in this journal and speak of things of the Lord so I know that it is a matter of decision to make it happen. I feel a lot of pressure (whether it is warranted or not, I don’t know yet) to try and undo 3.5 years of spiritual indifference in the life of my stepson so that he can have a testimony early on but lately have felt like I am not in control of that anymore. I don’t know if I have written about this or not, but Dorian’s father has moved back into town and has started taking him for a majority of the weekends. He spends Sundays watching cartoons, shopping and playing with his dad. I know that out of all the people that are close to Dorian I am one of the few people that has an interest in his spiritual well-being to the point of action, so I feel torn and once again hand-cuffed in that relationship/responsibility. Things have gotten better with me and him so I will never give up hope that what’s right can happen. Maybe this is one of the times where I cannot be more perfect than I am; meaning that as long as I make things of the Spirit a priority in our home what’s best will happen.

Following the perfection theme, I have been struggling with the relationship I have with one of my friends. I have written specifically in entry’s past about Doug and what a great friend he has been and how grateful I am for him. I do not retract those feelings, matter of fact I add that I miss those times when I felt that way. Doug is a great person. He is very charismatic, has a very tender heart and has a true desire to act as the Spirit would have him. Doug and I have shared many experiences that have reminded me of the love of the Savior for me by blessing me with good friends. Since he has moved out things have been strained at best; I have been reminded that he is selfish, arrogant and an opportunist in its’ purest form. I sometimes lament that I allowed him to live here with me under terms that I did, he was able to be blessed by my family and home with little return given on his part. Sometimes I wonder if the way I handled things then permanently changed something in both of us. I guess I expected more in return for what had been given, and I tempted a rooted flaw in Doug to take advantage of another’s graces. Since he has moved out we hardly speak; when he was here he was never more than 5 feet away from him phone and now I can’t get a call or text message answered, even in the hours which he is away from work. Things have culminated this past week as I was disgusted watching him unabashedly benefit himself over me by manipulating a situation to which I was the reason he was even in the place he was. He has always stated that he is just the way he is and that his friends have always looked past his flaws, but I am at the point where a reconciliation needs to be made or I need to just take a few months off from being around him. He has a brother named Mike that I was friends with before I even met Doug who is in town this weekend; I am torn in wanting to see Mike yet having to face this issue or pretend it doesn’t exist for the time being. I am sure that this is just a fleeting issue between two friends, but for now it is real. I am hopeful that once again what’s right is what happens.

A blog entry wouldn’t be complete without relaying to my beautiful daughters how much I love and miss them. I have started to see a light at the end of the tunnel and have been praying that I could have them closer to me. Catherine had a surgery since the last time I had written and had her birthmark removed from her face. I am grateful that it went smooth and that she was able to have it removed before she knew what it was. Kids can be so cruel. Anyway, I have made some difficult decisions that will hopefully bring them closer, an end that would be so wonderful for everyone involved. Janie Bear and Baby C, I LOVE YOU….

Anyway…life goes on.

I Don't Even Own A Wheel Barrow...

2006-03-12T16:02:00.000-08:00

This entry is barely just started and already scattered. I don’t know what to write about. I am sitting here not having written in 12 days, one of the longer spells for me in this journal. It is ironic to me that it feels both as if nothing has happened and that I have missed documenting so much. BLANK…that’s what’s on my mind.

I guess I can resort to my old standby and write about music and how it affects me. I have come across a new band that has me completely enthralled by their music and lyrics. Their name is “The Decemberists” and they hail from Portland, OR. I became aware of them through a website called www.pandora.com that is a part of a project called the “music genome project.” This site analyzes songs and gives them their own DNA, so to speak. You can logon to this site, input a song that you enjoy and it will stream music that has similar musical DNA. I put in a song by another band that I enjoy called "The Shins" and they played “The Decemberists.” I thoroughly enjoy folksy music, not so much old quasi-John Denver-ish folk but story-telling acoustic sounding music. Here is the lyrics to my most favorite song of theirs, entitled “Eli, the Barrow Boy.”

Eli, the barrow boy
Of the old town
Sells coal and marigolds
And he cries out
All down the day

Below the tamaracks
He is crying:
“Corn cobs and candle wax for the buying”
All down the day

“Would I could afford to buy my love a fine robe
Made of gold and silk Arabian thread
She is dead and gone and lying in a pine grove
And I must push my barrow all the day
And I must push my barrow all the day”

Eli, the barrow boy
When they found him
Dressed all in corduroy
He had drowned in
The river down the way

They laid his body down in a church yard
But still when the moon is out
With his push cart
He calls down the day

“Would I could afford to buy my love a fine gown
Made of gold and silk Arabian thread
But, I am dead and gone and lying in a church ground
And still I push my barrow all the day
Still I push my barrow all the day”

Sometimes I don’t fully understand why I enjoy this type of music, but I do. After reading interpretations of the meaning of this song by others on the internet and putting my own spin on it, I more appreciate the depth and layers of a song that I had not seen before. A meager peddler in a time past is going about his life in order to distract himself from the haunting of a tormented love to which he is currently estranged. He takes his own life to be with the love for which he aches only to find that the same haunting exists after his death and he is not with the love to which he laments. What incredible imagery! I love the theme of the song about the necessity that all of us have to treasure what we have and hold on to our precious “loves” to avoid needless torment of our own souls. It is funny to me how easy is can be to recognize a theme as such and appreciate it yet in the same breathe make decisions that go against allowing us to keep with the message of the theme. Humanity is so bi-polar.

Today is Friday, in the morning. I have had a good week at work and have felt very productive. Here at home I have been working together with my wife and stepson to try to have a more cohesive environment. We will be putting the finishing touches on our painting project this weekend making it so that we will be ready to begin moving our belongings. Even though at this time I do not fully recognize what a profound change this move will have on me and my life, I exercise my faith that it will bring a renewed desire to be a part of a loving ward. This move will symbolize the closing of one chapter and the opening of another in my eventful life.

Good Day…

Cheer Up Mopey Pants...

2006-02-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

Sunday… Blog day… So I write. The morning after my last blog entry I had left the house to go the gym and upon my return found my wife sitting at my computer with my blog pulled up. I sat down to her and asked her how she was, she was still feeling sick so I don’t know whether to attribute the emotions of the hour to that or that something in her finally broke down. A conversation ensued about things between us, our lives together, our goals. She told me that judging alone on the title of my last entry that she knew that it was going to be a difficult entry to read because I exclusively use this as a means of telling of my sadness and how much I miss my kids. In tears she gave me a tender embrace and told me that we need to fix things so that I can be happy and reminded me that despite what I may feel about myself that happiness is something that I deserve… I really love that woman.

She touched on a good point though. I have tried to make my entries as true to life as possible so that history is documented of my life. I don’t care so much about each nit picky detail, but the feelings that surround them. Also, I never wanted to be guilty of glossing over what my life is really about. The past years of my life have altered me, and to quote a recent movie that I saw, I wanted to “soak in the beautiful melancholy of what’s happened to [me].” I needs be told that the the person that I really am deep inside of me isn’t a man who is overcome with despair. Those who have known me well would say that I am witty and quick to try to make you laugh. I am easy to be around. I love serving others. I enjoy the company of those I love. To this point this blog has failed in relaying that side of me.

Life goes on. Our eventual move draws closer. We have started the process of going through all of our junk and getting rid of what we don’t need. We sold the big screen HDTV that was in our bedroom to the bishop. I joked with my friend Grant today that the claimed absence of our bishop today wasn’t because he had a baby blessing to go to, but he couldn’t draw himself away from the TV. HD will get ‘cha… While moving the TV yesterday his neighbor bought my trampoline off of me. I am hoping the trend continues and I sell a lot of junk so that it means less to move. We will see…

I will write more soon…

I've Had Some Time To Thing About You On The Long Ride Home...

2006-02-22T23:28:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written for a while. Life is cluttered at best and it is difficult to make the time to gather my thoughts in this manner. I am okay with that, I have found in writing a new confidence about my ability to gather the seeds of my thoughts and plant them with the words that connect on the page. Tonight, the words will mean one thing and in days and years to come they will grow into something entirely different. That confidence removes my guilt about the frequency of my writing knowing that whenever I do write it will be something meaningful. Sometimes the recounting of things doesn’t tell the story. It’s not what’s written, but what isn’t. Ambiguity is what allows my experiences on the page to be able to connect with yours, the reader. The similarities are the framework, and the spaces that I leave are filled in with the reality of your experiences. It is quite beautiful if you really think about it, it draws us together.

I consider myself a very emotional man. I am not afraid of tears; sometimes I welcome the release that comes from a good cry. I do not know the reason, but recently I have become quite hardened. I feel that I have inside of me a lot of emotional tension that tears would release. Recently the only things that bring my emotions close to the surface are things related to children. Songs, colors, smells… As I think about it I guess I feel not so much that it is childish things I connect with but what they represent: Life in its most simple form. As my life has grown more and more complex I yearn for the return of that simplicity. I more appreciate the commandment to be like the children and to make life simpler. God is always easy to feel close when we aren’t so distracted.

My wife has been very ill lately. She was diagnosed with a bronchial infection and it has caused her to be very weak, uncomfortable and lethargic. The medicine that she has been taking hasn’t been working but I hope that she can return to full health soon and that this burden can be removed from her. Last night in Dorian’s prayer he asked Heavenly Father that his mother get better. It was very sweet especially considering it was the first time I can recall him deviating from his set prayer he says whenever he prays. When we were in Boise one of the nights Jane wanted to pray for us at bed time. Come to think of it, that was the last time I wept was after she thanked Heavenly Father for her Daddy, Amie, Catherine and Dorian. From her perspective life is simple. She is surrounded by people that love her and she thanks Heavenly Father for it. In my perspective life sometimes seems so sad being apart from my children. I guess that the simpler perspective more easily yields an answered prayer. I am seeking answered prayers to have me feel healthy and whole again. Today as I was in my office I stopped for a moment to pour out my heart in the quiet of that setting. I know He heard me. I just hope that I can recognize His answers…

I will return soon to writing here. My hands have become heavy as I write so I retire. (I love you Jane and Catherine… Good night…)

1st 540 Ever...A 720 Is Right Around The Corner...Literally

2006-02-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

First things first… there is a lack of continuity between my last two entries. I reference a trip to Boise as “aforementioned” when in the reading of the entries there is no trip mentioned. I had an entry posted that I have since removed that was very unfavorable towards certain parties to which I deal with on a regular basis. I decided that although that part of my life and its struggles are real that I need not pollute the past with its story as the future reads from this journal.
This past weekend was the Boise trip. Saturday we arrived in Boise, got our room and them I went and picked up both my daughters from their mother. We then went shopping from some necessities, went to eat and then spent the remainder of the evening at the hotel room. It was so great to be around my kids… they have a sweetness about them that is contagious. I love the man that I am when I am around them, I seem less quick to anger and feel love abundantly. The next day we went shopping, got a family picture taken (above) and then in the evening I had to meet up with their mother to return my youngest. I was disappointed that I didn’t have more time with her, but her mother has clung with an iron grip to the state child visitation schedule and felt generous in even letting me have her the night before (at her age, the non-custodial parent is only allowed 8 hour spans with the children). So, I was grateful to have the time that I did… Again, great time was had by all.

That evening we took Jane to see the new Curious George movie. Now for the purpose of my associations with her that movie and its music is a trigger to my time this past weekend. The playful, innocent nature of that little monkey is reminiscent of the personalities of my children. Catherine seemed to be into everything, always smiling and quick to laugh. She took to Amie very easily and I felt a hope for the future. Marla was there in Boise with her new beau and I felt better about things as Jane said that he was nice. I know that they are easy kids to love so I hope that whatever happens with him and Marla that the girls are loved. My only concern is that there might be pressure from Marla for him to try to be more than a step-father to them because of the person she feels that I am. I am hopeful that the disconnect between the real me and the one in Marla’s head is bridged soon so that she can allow the natural evolution to happen between my girls, their step-dad and me… After this weekend my resolve to be as close to them as possible was strengthened. When we dropped Jane off on Monday night she was very emotional, crying that she wanted to go to Utah with us and didn’t want to go back with mom. It broke my heart… I want so bad to have her live with us. I have felt in quiet moments that she would someday, but want her hurt to be as little as possible all things considered.

Last night my wife and I met with the Bishop. He wanted us to report on how things are going and talk to us about our eventual move. He discussed with me about my situation and his intentions to speak with the Stake President. He expressed to me the urgency he feels considering his personal involvement with me and how things would take longer if we leave the ward with the situation unresolved. I don’t know how I feel about everything. I have a testimony of the inspired nature of callings and feel that same testimony for President Smith. I am concerned with the distance that he has shown since this has all of this has happened. Why has there been no involvement from the Stake throughout all of this? Bishop said he was going to recommend that something happen before we move, but I do not feel much hope that it will. The lack of involvement from the Stake brings back so many hurt feelings from when everything initially happened; Marla told President Smith a story of a man that I used to play softball with that had been through a similar ordeal that had no feelings of remorse and was better off in his new relationship. I have never felt such a disregard of things that way, but President Smith referred to it as his perspective in the one interview I had with him post “Black Sunday.” There has been an overall tone with the leaders I have dealt with that under all circumstances I should have made things work with my ex-wife. It bothers me that it is overlooked that there might have been actual real problems both of us were responsible for instead of only dwelling on my improprieties. Anyhow, I just hope that whatever happens the truth about my efforts is represented and my testimony of men called of God to lead the church locally is strengthened.

I skied yesterday…it was a breakthrough day for I landed my first 540. It is a jump and rotation in which one and a half turns are spun, landing backwards on my skis… It was very gratifying to finally stick a 540…even at 30 years old…

Idaho Awaits...

2006-02-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

Last entry was almost a week ago… I don’t want that tone to persist too long in my writing here. I am more angry than I have ever been in my life but for the most part I don’t consider that to be a part of who I am, more of a consequence of who I might become if I let it. Regardless, new day, new attitude.
I am making the aforementioned trip to Boise this weekend. My wife will be going with me as will my stepson. I am excited to have them finally meet my children and start the journey of having a mutually respective step-family relationship (say that 5x fast!). I have written about the time Jane and Dorian have spent together and hope that this time is friendlier and less territorial considering it is a neutral location. We have decided to rent a suite with a kitchen and extra space so that the five of us will be comfortable and have our own space, somewhat. I will be sure to report on how it goes.
This past Sunday was very difficult for me. I woke up with no desire at all to go to church and felt like I never wanted to return to my ward again. I started to really question the reason I have even tried to be a part of that ward considering the very limited acceptance that I feel from the members there (for those who have shown me support, thanks be to all 3 of you). My hurt and resentment even stretches to the Stake President and how I don’t feel any concern or care for my spiritual wellbeing, seeing as in the past 18 months since “Black Sunday” that I have met once with him, an interview to which I sought out. The Bishop is a caring and loving man and one of the three referenced above, but even he has other things to worry about then helping me to fight a battle to which he isn’t fully aware. Anyway for a couple of more reasons not stated, my spiritual tank was/is very low. I haven’t seen many signs that I will ever be able to be successful at being a father to my kids and even less signs that I will ever be a good step dad…it breaks my heart in the most real way to admit it. I wish I could discern between truth and error; I haven’t been able to lately.
We have been doing home improvements to the house where Amie lived before we were married so that we can move into it by March 1, 2006. Once I move and start over there in a new ward with new surroundings it seems that the connection that this house bridged from a me that was a worthy, priesthood holding father to who I am now will be gone. My old life will be only a memory and the grasp that I have to that world will be through new staggered memories made with my children and a partial restoration of what I have lost. I am starting to understand that the time frame for those blessings to come back to me is longer then I ever imagined. I wonder how many other people in their lives don’t fully understand the magnitude of their blessings and how long it would take to get them back if they were to stumble. How foolish we can be.
To wrap this entry up, the Super Bowl was a MESS… So much hoopla in the media about how horrible the officiating was and how the Steelers didn’t deserve to win it. Anyway, next year will be the Falcons…LOL…Next time…

Tired Is A Special Kind Of Truth Potion...

2006-01-26T00:02:00.000-08:00

I keep being haunted by incredible music lately. The most recent “encounter” has been with music from Ben Folds; hopefully whoever reads this is aware of his music. He has a song on his latest album called “Late” that he wrote for a musician aquaintance. Ben Folds had toured with Elliot Smith and related in an interview that I read about the experience he had wathcing and learning from him as they shared the stage. Elliot Smith killed himself not long ago and the song “Late” tells of the appreication Ben Folds has for him and the unfortunate circumstance of why it is now too late to share it.
I wrote in an entry a few months back about my father and his condition. It has been nice to have felt the rewards of making an effort to have a more active relationship with him. There are many other people in my life that I want to have the same chance with so that “too late” is never something that I have to deal with. That concept of “too late” is very scary, especially considering the state surrounding some of the most important people in my life, my children. I have missed them so much lately, and examining my feelings leads me to think that it’s not that I found this particular song to which I am referencing out of the blue, but that it was always there and the thoughts and intents of my heart found words to which attach themselves.
The funny thing (or sad, depending on your level of satire) is that the situation with my children is the one situation to which I feel the most muzzled. With the other relationships in my life it is basically simple to avoid “too late”; extend a hand in friendship, offer service, sincerley apologize if I have offended, show genuine love and concern with no thought of reciprocation; all things to which I am allowed to communicate my feelings and move toward reconcilliation. My kids are different. Their ages coupled with the distance (figuratively and literaly) that I have to them makes it seem that I am not allowed to have an open dialogue with them. It seems the only way to remove the muzzle is to actually be there with and for them. I go through periods where I emotionally feel close to tears because of small things that trigger the void in my life because of their distance. I have tried to cheat the system in a way by keeping this journal and by writing them periodically as I do (I have written letters that have not been sent that I will give to them at a later day that are much more direct and personal than this journal) but I would be a liar if I said anything other than the underlying motivating factor in writing in this blog is to give them a detailed glimpse into the life I have led. I want to account to them and show them through the telling of my life’s story that their father was a good person that loved them dearly.
It’s very late right now. I have been having trouble sleeping lately for a number different reasons so maybe this writing seems polluted by fatigue, maybe it doesn’t. I am hopefully that I can come to this journal at the next sitting with a cleared head and less of a heavy heart. Good night…

My Playlist...Enjoy...

2006-01-22T21:40:00.000-08:00

Today has been a good day. I felt the Spirit at church, had a home teaching visit that was friendly and warm and watched some good football. After the game I was surfing iTunes and came up with an idea for this entry. One of the features of iTunes is a list of songs from individual celebrities with songs that they either really enjoy or that have meaning to them for one reason or another. I am not insinuating that I am a celebrity by any means or that my opinion about any of the songs that I will write about matters but I did feel that it would be a good window into the music that moves me and the manner to which I am moved. It’s a little long, but each song is a great song for one reason or another. Feel free to look them up on iTunes if you are unfamiliar with them (they are labeled song title, artist, album and my afterthoughts).
·Thin Line: Indigo Girls, 1200 Curfews. As you see from the list that ensues I love simple acoustic songs with great lyrics. This song starts off the list. “When I try to make it more, it was always less. There is a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else.”
·One: U2, Achtung Baby. I have a few (ok, a LOT) of songs on this list from U2. This is top 5 of their songs for sure. I love the imagery of the story, I love how versatile of a song it is in that any number of situations you can apply the lyrics and find personal connection. A song of reconciliation, despite difference. Great song…
·Still Fighting It: Ben Folds, Ben Folds Live. A story of a parent sympathizing with a child about the struggle of growing up in a harsh world and how all of us fight similar fights. As I have grown older and made different mistakes than those of my family I have noticed that a similar strand of emotion strings us all together as members of the human family. “Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, and everybody does…”
·Love’s Divine: Seal, Seal IV. “Then the rainstorm came over me and I felt my spirit break. I had lost all of my belief you see… and realized my mistake. But time threw a prayer to me and all around me became still. I need love, love’s divine. Please forgive me now that I’ve been blind. Give me love; love is what is need to know my name.” That is the first verse of that song. The song is more of a prayer than a song to me. It represents what life brought me August 22, 2004 and the journey since then.
·Change: Blind Melon, Blind Melon. Another great acoustic song by another fallen songwriter. The journey of the mental battle overcoming despair. Always easier to say than to do, especially when you are in the middle of it. Love this song…
·Come Away With Me: Norah Jones, Come Away With Me. A lovely and romantic song that both my wife and I enjoy. So soothing and comforting, similar to what a loving relationship should feel like. In the test of life people should get away more, even it is as small as sharing a moment while driving together…
·Mad World: Michael Andrews, Donnie Darko OST. Such a haunting, sorrowful song that pulls from the deepest of the emotional puddle. It tends to quite the noises around you when you listen to it. Very moving…
·Heavy Rotation: Dilated Peoples, Expansion Team. I ski a lot. When I ski I enjoy smooth flowing songs, hip hop, rock…motivating music. I love how this song helps me pick my lines more aggressively when I ski. It is such a smooth song.
·Backdrifts: Radiohead, Hail To the Thief. Speaking of skiing… I first listened to this song on a trip to Jackson Hole a few summers ago. I have still never skied there, but this song takes me on a mental trip and lets me. Maybe this winter, maybe not…
·Daughters: John Mayer, Heavier Things. I love my daughters. I really love them…really. “Fathers, be good to your daughters…daughter’s will love like you do.” I really love my daughters…and miss them too.
·Original of the Species: U2, How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. “I’ll give you everything you want, except the thing that you want. You are the first one of your kind…” Another versatile U2 song, it could be to a lover, a child, parent… to me? Yes…
·Alibi: David Gray, Life in Slow Motion. David Gray has an amazing ability to write songs that tell such beautiful stories. This one is no exception. “Where’d it all go wrong? Tonight I am running wild…”
·Cherish the Day: Sade, Love Deluxe. This song is song fluid, the bass line is tied so tightly to the drum line that you think they are they same. “I cherish the day, I won’t go astray, I won’t be afraid, you won’t catch me running, you’re ruling the way that I move. You take my air. You show me how deep love can be…” Wow, sensual songs excite a beautiful emotion…
·I’m So Happy I Can’t Stop Cryin’: Sting, Mercury Falling. First of all, this isn’t a country song. This is a sad song… I don’t like to dwell in sadness, but just as in a delicious and sweet recipe you need salt, there are many different ingredients in the recipe that makes up who we are and the opposites are worthy of acknowledging sometimes. This song is about a man who was left by his wife and she took the kids. The most remarkable part about this song is the way the music changes keys in such a subtle manner… This same manner is the way that people move on and love again in their lives, and how the freedom that comes allows you to actually love more the people that albeit hurt you, gave you experiences that gave you wisdom. I love the verse that says, “I took a walk alone last night, I looked up at the stars to try to find an answer in my life… I chose a star for me, I chose a star for him, I chose two stars for my kids and one star for my wife… it seemed to make me smile, something seemed to ease the pain, something about the universe and how it’s all connected…” Rings close to home…
·Destiny: Zero 7, Simple Things. I just barely found out about this band. Every time I would eat at a particular sushi restaurant I would always comment on the music that was played as we ate; so I looked it up. Mellow, fluid, very relaxing and quite melodic. If you like this song, I have a list of artists to check out.
·Black: Pearl Jam, Ten. Great band, great album, great song. Listen to it…
·An Honest Mistake: The Bravery. Recently there have been slough of bands that have come out that have this 80’s rock sound to them. Funny thing happened after I first heard this song, I listened to the album “Boy” by U2 and found that twenty years later that sound is coming back around. I welcome it. It was only because I have so many other U2 songs that I put this one here instead of "Stories for Boys."
·How to Be Righteous: Lori McKenna, The Kitchen Tapes. “Don't judge me, I will judge myself. I will lie in my bed at night wide awake or a sleep. I will feel pain when I know I have given it. Everything I put out to the world I know comes back to me. But when angels hear the devils' call and my visions unclear, I got no sense at all I'm just hoping I will obey my conscience. I want to learn how to be righteous.” This song is an anthem for the desires of my heart.
·There Goes My Life: Kenny Chesney, There Goes My Life. Country songs tell such great stories. No other genre of music has found such simplicity for telling rich and emotionally moving tales. This song is about a young man who in the first verse finds out that his girlfriend is with child. In the second verse he tells of how much he loves his young daughter and the feelings he feels as she tell him she loves him and goes off to bed. The final verse is about his emotions as she leaves home for the first time and how he’ll miss her. The chorus doesn’t change but the meaning of the worlds do as they apply to the verse. “There goes my life; there goes my future, my everything…” It reminds me of how much I really miss my girls…
·Bad: U2, The Unforgettable Fire. Last but not least, this is my favorite U2 song from their entire catalog. I see this as a song of redemption and willingness to accept the plight of another to save them from themselves. A very spiritually moving song for me; there have been times I wish to make the consequences of my mistakes go away… The delivery of this song is always incredible. I have see this song played live and I felt it, really felt it. Some times to overcome we must surrender ourselves. "I'm wide awake, I'm not sleeping..."

So there it is…my “celebrity” (LOL) play list. There are many more songs that are apart of the framework of my music architecture but this list will suffice for now. Music is a huge part of my life; I love the release that comes from listening to someone else’s take on life and applying it my own. Unfortunately, I do not have the gift of songwriting so I appreciate it immensely when others share theirs. If I am ever able to aquire that gift, I’ll share it here.

We're One, But We're Not The Same...

2006-01-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

My U2 kick has continued since the concert. A friend of mine has a program on his computer that allows him to take the audio track from any DVD and make it an .mp3 format. A few weeks ago I bought the DVD of the U2 concert that took place in Chicago, IL of this last year and recently gave the DVD to my friend to make into an audio CD. I am actually listening to that music as I write this. One of the more memorable parts of the concert was before the song “One” in which Bono reminds the crowd of the responsibility this generation has to fuse the disconnect between the mighty resources some members of the world community have to fill the need of others. Issues such as hunger, poverty, aids, need for medicine, oppression… all important struggles in the fight good has over evil. Bono plead for us to take action with our voice and join the ONE campaign.
I have never been one to get involved in anything political. I remember having a conversation with a friend years ago about how I had never really felt any conviction strong enough that would lead me to take drastic action. I remember the first time I ever felt a conviction strong enough to drive my will to take action. Those emotions were new to me and yet I felt a part of something that needed my effort. As I grow older I see more of the issues that people face on a personal level and how those small struggles make up the tapestry of what the world in its entirety faces. So many people, myself included, sometimes have the attitude that their actions won’t hurt anyone; that the life that we live is only ours. This is simply not true.
Recently I was exiting the freeway near my home. I was about ten cars back and was waiting for the lights to change so that traffic would resume in the direction I was heading. The light turned green, traffic proceeded and it seemed that the flow was as it should be. A car ahead of me didn’t realize that the light had turned so he sat there until the light turned yellow and then hurried through the intersection leaving me as the first in line. Time passed, the light turned green again and I proceed to the next turn that I needed to make. At that next turn I approached a car accident that had just happened; the people involved hadn’t even left their cars yet. The car that was in front of me had tried to make a turn without enough time and subsequently became involved in this crash. It didn’t look serious, I am certain that none were physically hurt but this instance illustrated to my mind the dilemma to which I am referring. Both your good decisions and your bad decisions affect everyone around you. There is no escaping that what we do in our personal lives has its presence in the world around us. I have realized this too late for some of the mistakes in my life but just in time for others. Learning this I have grieved over my own personal indiscretions that I know have changed the lives of my children. I know that because of my actions I have placed others in a position to choose to judge me and therefore put them in an unfavorable position to reconcile that judgment or be condemned themselves to judgment. There is always away to be made whole when errors occur, but effects of those errors are a longer time fixing. I know plainly that my actions are not my own, but that I have a duty to my God and the community to which I live to be better than I am.
I am not one to endorse any sort of political agenda. I am one to endorse personal improvement through application of truth in your life. Check out www.one.org site. Read about it. Realize that your money isn’t near as important as your voice. As shown in countless places, we can be one, yet not the same…and work toward a great cause.

Six Names Later, We Decided On Pheobe...

2006-01-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

Another postponed blog entry…I guess my own journal efforts wouldn’t be complete without some sort of documented lamentation that I should write more. I will save us all from any more of that. So… we got a dog. My wife and I started our marriage with three animals: two cats and a min-pinscher. It was quite the adjustment for me. I have never been an “indoor animals” person and it was really tough for me to get used to the overall lack of respect that indoor animals have for personal space. The dog we had was named “Zeus” and was too smart as a family dog. He was so needy that he had emotional issues, separation anxiety… he needed too much attention for what we had time to give. He is no longer with us. Of the two cats, the one that we got rid of was going crazy. She was named “the white cat” (stop laughing) and was clawing out her back fur so we took her to the pound. We still have “Percy” which is quite an entertaining animal, yet very skittish and is a true scared cat. She isn’t a bother, she runs away anytime I get near her.
My wife LOVES animals. She has told me that she would run an animal shelter if she could. This new puppy seems to have won me over but I am the first to say that she is the exception, not the rule. Something about animals is hard for me to handle. They are cute and cuddly but I am just not hip to their smells. We have named our dog Phoebe, and she is a cocker spaniel, black with the typical cocker brown markings. At first she smelled like the store we bought her from, but after Amie gave her a bath she stopped being smelly. I am a tough shell to crack, but I have to say, she is ADORABLE.
I can’t wait to have Jane and Catherine see her. I heard stories of when Jane was first in Oregon after she moved that she was an animal stalker. She was so intrigued by cats that she would follow them around, and then crouch down with her head in between her legs, looking forward to spy on them. Very cute. I am hopeful that I can bring her here on the spring break holiday time, right around Easter and she can take right to Phoebe.
Today was Sunday, but today was a much more gratifying Sabbath. The lesson in Elder’s Quorum was good and the Spirit was felt. Amie had some funny stories to tell about Relief Society after we came home. The dog only peed on the floor a few times so far today. Without going into the details of it, last night I had a very scary dream. Being that it is fast Sunday I must once again add my testimony that God is real, the Savior died for us and that Joseph Smith is a true prophet. These are all things that I know. See you next entry.

"Am I Buggin' Ya? Don't Mean To Bug Ya..."

2005-12-25T14:02:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day… it’s that time of year. I haven’t written in my blog for a spell, I believe that it’s going on two weeks. That is not really the time table I would like to keep especially considering the pace in which my life seems to keep. In the past two weeks a lot has happened; my business has taken a turn for the better in a big way, I was able to go see the greatest band EVER perform as they passed through town, (U2, for any that might have questioned) I have felt closer to the Savior this time of year and generally have an outlook for the future that seems to be more healthy than times passed. All those things are blessing to my life and I wish to document them.
As today is the time when we celebrate the birth of the Savior I wanted to share a very strange epiphany that I had recently. Hopefully it won’t come off sacrilegious, because it isn’t meant that way. A few things have happened that have lead up to these thoughts. Here goes…
I have been on a U2 kick ever since the concert. If you have never been to a live show, GO. They are literally the best band in the world and their show is second to none. Songs that have spanned their entire career were played and they were as crisp and interesting as the first time I heard them. They really are a sum greater than the whole of its parts. Anyway, I have been listening to their entire anthology recently and have rediscovered some of the great songs that I hadn’t heard in a while. I have been gaining an even deeper appreciation for the lyrics they write; the perspective, the stories, the imagery…all of it. Songs that I originally thought were strictly love songs have taken on new meanings, songs to parents, songs to children, songs to people I love. There isn’t really anything negative that I can say about that experience. PART ONE…
Back in August the President of the Church encouraged the members to read the Book of Mormon in its entirety by the end of the year. I took that challenge seriously and had been reading on a pretty regular basis keeping up with a pace that would allow me to have it finished by next week. In October the talks at General Conference continued with this encouragement and bore testimony to the rewards promised by keeping this commandment. In my prayers I promised my Heavenly Father that I would do what He has asked and read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. I am not done yet; two days ago I finished the book of Ether, meaning that all that’s left is the book of Moroni for me to read. (10 pages or so…) I sat on my couch feeling a love of that book and a confidence grow in myself that I was capable of keeping the Lord’s commandments. I felt such a relief come over me in that confidence. It is true that the Lord provides ways for His children to do what they should. It just takes faith. My faith is growing. PART TWO…

Lyrics to the song “Until the End of the World:”

Haven't seen you in quite a while
I was down the hold, just passing time.
Last time we met it was a low-lit room
We were as close together as a bride and groom.
We ate the food, we drank the wine
Everybody having a good time except you.
You were talking about the end of the world.

I took the money, I spiked your drink
You miss too much these days if you stop to think.
You led me on with those innocent eyes
And you know I love the element of surprise.
In the garden I was playing the tart
I kissed your lips and broke your heart.
You, you were acting like it was the end of the world.

In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows they'd learned to swim
Surrounding me, going down on me
Spilling over the brim
Waves of regret and waves of joy.
I reached out for the one I tried to destroy.
You, you said you'd wait till the end of the world.

Years ago when I first heard that song I understood the lyrics as somewhat of a sorrowful love song where in a selfish lover scorned another. I understood the lyric “in the garden I was playing the tart” to be “playing guitar” and other small misquotes that added up to have me look at the whole of the song as meaning something entirely different. (read the words again, you’ll see what I mean…) A few days ago I was watching a documentary on one of the U2 DVD’s that I have and it spoke of how when that song was written Bono intended the lyrics to be from the point of view of Judas Iscariot, the apostle that betrayed the Savior. I found that extremely interesting but it was only until I had actually heard the song again after that description was it that it took shape. If you listen to that song, or even read the lyrics you see that it can have that perspective if you let it. By removing the sometimes sexual connotation of “tart” and see the word meaning “one of ethical looseness” you can almost see Judas kissing the Savior as the sign that He was the one. The final verse of that song is the one that sums all of this together, Judas being overcome by his sorrows reaches out to whom he knew all along was the one who could redeem him; and the notion that “[He’d] wait till the end of the world” is a reminded of the depths of the willingness that Jesus has to forgive even the most vile of betrayers. PART THREE…
To wrap it up, the thread that weaves all these experiences together is that it is possible to see the evidence of a loving God in every place you look. This is not “philosophies of men, mingled with scripture.” It is not meant to be even an example of how we are allowed to stoop to the level that Judas did and expect forgiveness. My epiphany is that you are able to draw off of any number of good things in our lives to bring you closer to God. I have drawn real life experiences, some secular, and some spiritual to be reminded of these simple truths: Jesus Christ is real. He was born, He lived and He died for us. He is the Son of God. He atoned for our sins. He is the one to which we must seek redemption in our lives, and He is the one who will grant it. I didn’t learn these things in the classroom of the world, but see the hints of truth there as I look. The example of Jesus is one that we should look toward, especially this day.
I end this blog entry with an invitation. I encourage any who may read my words to seek out the Judas of their lives, and forgive. I know that freedom will come as will peace of mind. Merry Christmas…

Check The Pic... 18 Feet Above The Knuckle

2005-12-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

This is a week of firsts for me. I skied for the first time this winter on Wednesday, a day that was not your typical first ski day. A friend of mine, Jason Jones and I went to Alta on the day after a magnificent storm that left both the valley and the mountains covered in snow. The morning snow report totaled 24 inches of snow over night, a total which didn’t reflect how much snow was actually there being that the storm was a five day storm that started the Saturday before. I haven’t started a season with that much snow since the winter a few years back where Snowbird got 100 inches in 100 hours. Incredible snow, fresh lines with no tracks and BLUE skies made for a day that has made me want to get back into that lifestyle in a very real way. My cousin Jake works at Brighton and told me that we can exploit one of the perks that he has and I can ski with him every Wednesday for free. I am gearing up for this coming Wednesday, so that I can break out a pair of skis that I haven’t skied yet, the Gun Lab from Salomon. I have a connection with the rep from Salomon Skis here in the Salt Lake area that I have had since my days at Deer Valley in the mid 90’s. I was able to get my hands on a very exclusive pair of skis and they are ripe for the picking. I haven’t been this excited about skiing for a few years.
Another first from this week is an effect of that day of skiing. I lost my first toe nail ever this week. The day I went skiing was 4 degrees F at the base of the mountain, an even colder underneath the fresh snow that had fallen. I have had issues with my feet for a number of years stemming from my masochistic desire to wear ski boots that are so tight that insulation is at a minimum. With it being such a cold day coupled with my boots my big toes on each foot was numb for hours after I pulled my boots off. At first I thought that I had serious frost bite on my left foot because of how black it was but later realized that I had just jammed my feet into the boots without the conditioning of a few days of normal skiing before going into a more jarring skiing of powder and deep snow. After the black wouldn’t go away I pricked a hole in the top of my toe nail and released all the pressure from the fluid and a day later my toe nail was off. It was pretty gross, but extremely interesting in the same light.
Today is Sunday again, and it was another good Sabbath. I wasn’t feeling it at church, but I felt a gust of encouragement come my way as the bishop called me out of gospel doctrine class to talk to me about my situation and give me a chance to report. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that the Lord specifically use His Spirit to prompt someone in my behalf and the person acted upon it to give me encouragement. I really appreciate when the Lord sees fit to do that, it reminds me of how mindful he is of me and how He really does want me to be happy. Plus, it made the church services worthwhile; elder’s quorum was ridiculous today. Personal opinion mingled with quotes from the manual make for a day when no real doctrine was taught. One comment made the day for me, one of the teachers asked a question that solicited answers from opposite ends of the spectrum and made for a discussion with no resolve when out of the blue Tim Brooks says, “What does the manual say…?” Classic… Days like today make me glad that I am not allowed to participate, there is no pressure to try to steer the train wreck. “Those who have the capacity to take action must take action…” Not today…lol. After church I took a very long nap and got the rest I have needed to have all week. I watched a movie with my wife, read my scriptures and now am updating my blog. Good day.
I will soon write more. Today’s entry is kind of like me, a bit too in depth on topics that have no real relevance and scattered. See you soon…

'Tis the Season...

2005-12-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the First Presidency Christmas Devotional. I love it whenever I can fill me home with hymns of the Savior and words of the prophets. It has been a good Sabbath day, and these are the feelings that are probing my thoughts into words. Every Christmas season is such a great opportunity to practice the Spirit of Christmas and look to others to give. I love this time of year…especially the reminders that I have given to me to look past the commercial meaning of this holiday and look toward the very reason we celebrate. I have been made acutely aware of the great need that I have for my Savior in my life and I feel the need to express it to Him in this entry. I am grateful for Jesus Christ.
I know that this will not be the last time I write about Christmas in my blog. The Spirit of Christmas seems to manifest itself to me in a very real and personal way sometimes catching me off guard. The music of the season, the manner in which forgiveness is granted, the increased sensitivity to the Spirit is all things I love about this time of year. My mind is called up to reflection upon the blessings to which I have been blessed and the way the Lord is mindful of me. I am unsure of what this season will bring to me but I know that I will be reminded of the love that my Savior and Heavenly Father have for me.
I am hopeful to see my children this Christmas season. It has deteriorated to the point that I have only the time allotted to me legally to be with my children and I make full intent to use it. My wife and I are making efforts to travel to be with them at least for the days preceding the 25th. Even though it has only been a week now that my oldest has been back in Oregon I miss her dearly. Last year at this time I had her here with me for almost 9 days and it was a blessing to be with her. I want to add my youngest to that and spend as much time as possible with them. I have prayed earnestly that this may happen and I hope that my prayers will be answered. My two girls are a piece of heaven and I love them dearly.
A few entries back I wrote of a priesthood blessing that I received and council that accompanied it. One of the items that I was encouraged to do was to read from the talk “Beware of Pride” by President Ezra Taft Benson and to rid my life of pride. The other night my wife and I read those words before we went to bed. I love that talk… My understanding of pride has increased, and even though I have read that talk before at various times in my life I learned something new. The root of pride is enmity, or a form of competition, if you will. Pitting my will, desires, accomplishments, deeds, love, etc. against another’s is where the sin takes hold of my heart. More than ever in my life I feel that my Heavenly Father has put me in a position to seek only for His approval, and none else. It has been a challenging experience at best being reminded that it is ultimately only the Lord that needs to approve of my actions, service, repentance, charity etc. I have felt somewhat personally devastated from what I have felt is unfair judgments from others; especially in the association that I have with my ex-wife and her blatant disregard of anything decent about me. At times I have felt alone and without encouragement. My feelings were unwarranted, and ultimately wrong seeing that I measured my position in the eyes of God solely on the impression and opinion of others. I have made grave mistakes in my life and I know that the effect of those mistakes I will deal with for the remainder of my life, but I have repented for those mistakes and the reconciliation I have made with the Lord is undeniable and real. It still saddens me when I am faced with opposition from others who see me as a manifestation of my mistakes, instead of seeing the efforts I make to right what I am empowered to make right. As I wrote before, I have no need to dwell on those assumptions as long as I doing whatever I can to make sure that I am aligning my will with that of the Lord’s. I have already fallen, and so I make no pretense that I am not aware what can happen when the distraction of the world enters into your life. At this time of year I feel more the redeeming love of an atoning Savior. I feel more holiness in my life and blessing come from following the word’s of the prophet. I feel more close to the Savior.
The emotions of this day are tender and close to the heart. I hope that my love for my family and Savior has been passed on this day.

You Think Nevada Is UGLY?... Try It For 18 Hours...

2005-11-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog was befitting of the morning of November 26, 2005. It was the day that I was supposed to take Jane back to Oregon, and the forecast was precisely 28 degrees and a chance of snow. Actually, it snowed profusely that day. My father and I started our trip that morning at about 4 a.m. and made it 50 miles out of town only to turn around only to travel another day. It was an incredible blizzard. My ex-wife of course had issues with the change in plans and threatened to sick the police on me for being outside of my visitation rights since I decided to delay the trip a day, but Sunday proved a better day for traveling and so that’s what we did. Sunday we left later, at about 8 a.m. and drove to Lakeview, OR, dropped off Jane to her mother and grandfather, turned around and came back. We arrived home about 1:30 a.m. almost 18 hours later and tired as can be.
The trip back to Oregon is always bitter sweet. I have a heavy heart every time I return Jane to her mother, basking in the wonderful time we spent together but not knowing when I will see my girls next. I hate taking Jane back to her mother. The exchange that I had with my ex-wife reminded me of the environment to which she lives and the contempt that she has for me. Jane had a great time while she was here; she bonded with her step-mom, saw her grandparents and spend some quality time with me, DAD. She is so curious and sweet, she just warms my heart. On top of that, there wasn’t a moment where that little girl didn’t feel special and loved while she was here. It just gets under my skin the way that my contribution to the lives of my children is discounted by my ex-wife and the anger and attitude that she displays. I must just remain focused on what is best for the children that I have and not let her try to intimidate me into submission. I get so thrown off by what Marla and her family expect from me. The latest beef is over money; which is funny because there will be a time when I am caught up on my support and I am curious what will be the objection then. Regardless of the eternal ramifications of our divorce, my girls need me in their lives; I am their father and NO one will ever replace me. I get so frustrated with the tone that I have no place in their lives...
Anyway, today I am battling a cold that I think was the aggregate effect of days of little sleep, 18 hours of driving and the emotions of the week. Thank heavens for a nice, comfortable bed. I am working today out of my home office, something which has made me realize that I can live anywhere that I want and still work as long as I have high speed internet, my cell phone and computer. I will need to move within the next few months, and where we end up moving is up in the air as I become more productive at home. For now, this will do.
I really miss my girls today… the wait until I see them again has started…

2005-11-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

It’s the Friday after thanksgiving… and the day before my return drive back to Oregon with my oldest daughter. This time Doug won’t be with me, it will be my father. Also, it won’t be a two day trip; it will be a one day whammy. We are meeting my ex-wife at the ¾ way point, so my dad and I will leave early tomorrow morning and meet the ex, drop off Jane and drive back all in the same day. My dad has done this trip with me before, they were here at Christmas time last year and it was the same trip. Last years trip was a lot more dramatic than this years will be, but it is still a very emotionally draining experience. This week has been a great week, the first couple days before my wife returned home made it so it was just me and Jane, and I really cherished that time. Once my wife, stepson and parents arrived we had a full house and it was good to see things start to be able to really blend with our families. Dorian and Jane did fine together, both of them are the oldest children in their families and so both are very headstrong and territorial about their space. At first I think that it was new for Jane to have another child in the home that she once lived in, but she did fine as I expected. I felt somewhat sorry for Dorian, as the week wore on he became more and more aggressive about his space and attention from his mother, showing signs that he was feeling neglected. He wasn’t being neglected, I actually think that he received more attention than he normally does this week with all the people around, he just wasn’t the only child in the house and he struggled with it. He and Jane have very different personalities, Jane wears her feelings on her sleeve and is quick to voice her opinion. She tells you want she wants, she doesn’t bottle things up, she is a happy kid. Dorian has a very hard time communicating; he is very shy and doesn’t take to correction well. He has a very sweet disposition for the most part, but becomes withdrawn and introverted when he is in situations he may not like. I think he has been put off by Jane’s personality since she isn’t intimidated by him. The challenge that my wife will have is helping him to feel comfortable with himself and not have fear of failure. We have noticed in teaching him his letters, and counting that he would rather be giggly and act like he doesn’t know the answer then to try and not be right. The ironic part is he is most always right when he tries. I am sure as time goes by that the two of them will at least respect each other and enjoy the time they have together. I am hopeful that the next time that my kids come to town we will have a house were the kids won’t have to share a room. I think that will be a big help in the transition.
This week has given me a lot of strength. I have seen my wife start in the building of a relationship with my daughter. I have seen a different perspective and course of action for my relationship with Dorian. I have felt close to my daughter, needed by her and reminded that she will always love me as I love her. I have felt hope for a time when my youngest daughter will join me here with Jane on special holidays. My love grew for my wife, my daughters, my stepson, my parents, my friends. I feel happy. I will write again once I have returned home from my trip…

One Lambeau Leap Short of a Win...

2005-11-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

Monday Night Football… I have an open invitation to the friends I have telling them that any Monday night my door is open to them to enjoy with me a great game of football. This season has had some great games; there was the Indianapolis vs. New England game, the Pittsburg vs. San Diego game and my personal favorite, the Monday Night Football opener, the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Atlanta Falcons. (See Picture)
Football has been something that I have grown to love. I never played any sort of organized football in my youth, and even until a number of years ago thought that the game was boring and lacked the capacity to sustain interest. I have changed those thoughts, seeing that the reason for them was I didn’t understand the game. It is an extremely complicated game, full of strategy, scheme, team work, and individual achievement and politic. What helped to change my opinion and sparked my first real interest was the first time I ever saw Michael Vick play. He was coming back from a broken leg injury and rushed as the quarterback for a record setting 160+ yards against the Carolina Panthers (for the football illiterate, that means he ran the ball himself, not passed the football, not handed it off to a running back. A 160 yard game is stellar for a running back, out of this world for a quarterback). He is so inhumanly fast and has approached the quarterback position with such a different skill set that he has changed the game and forced defense to scheme something new to defend him. Not to mention, it is DARN entertaining to watch. I am a huge Atlanta Falcons fan, starting from that game on. I have no connection to Georgia, but I have visited and enjoy the way of life so I have decided to join the Falcon Nation. I have even started following the Auburn Tigers college football team (they are actually in Alabama, but close enough) so the south might draw me closer someday.
Today was the first day of Jane being here with me at home. My wife and stepson haven’t been here so it has been just the two of us. It has been so nice to be with her, I hope that she enjoys these days and times as much as I do. I cherish the memories that are made and they tide me over during the times until we are together again. I love with my whole heart and more the children that I have. Time is helping to heal us all and it will be so great to have my youngest daughter here when the time comes.
Another day of rambling is over. Tomorrow my Babe returns… I’m off to bed…

Did I Really Reference a Country Song?

2005-11-21T09:49:00.000-08:00

Ahh, yes… my blog… I am writing this as I drive back from the aforementioned Oregon trip to pick up my oldest daughter, Jane. These past two days have been a milkshake of emotion. Seeing my kids, dealing with my ex-wife, learning to communicate with my wife, and then the exhaustion of travel all have their effects on me. Doug is with me, we left Salt Lake yesterday morning at 3:30 a.m. and traveled the 750+miles to Ashland, OR arriving to check into our hotel at 2:00 p.m. PST. The trip is geographically divided in half, one half all interstate and the other windy, two-lane roads through the back desert and mountains of Nevada and southern Oregon. The half that is two-lane road is very taxing; you must stay alert and can’t really speed, so it seems to take forever. Rural driving STINKS.
I have thought a lot about this blog. I started it with the intention to use it as a way to put to "paper" the harsh realities and feelings I have. I have found that as I introduce it to others that may be familiar with those for whom I write about I must be very careful what I say, for some things have no need to be recorded. I must practice discretion without compromising my own desire to share what I really feel. It forces me to be a better writer and place hints that trigger my own memory but not reveal more than is necessary. Having said that, when I arrived in Ashland yesterday it was great to immediately see my children; their mother brought them right to me. Of course, conflict ensued and I was again accused of things that are neither true nor warranted. I have gotten past the point where I even feel the need to justify myself or my life to anyone, especially her. Regardless, my kids see the goodness in me so it is always a wonderful thing to see them. I must admit, it was refreshing to have my friend witness first hand the craziness to which really must be seen to be believed.
After the transfer we took the kids to the store, got some necessities, went to the park, then the mall, then swimming back at the hotel. One of the traits that I love in my children is their blatant lack of fear for new experiences. They seem so comfortable in their own skin. Neither Jane nor Catherine can really swim, but they both are crazy for the water. Catherine would just walk to the edge of the pool, and jump right into the abyss. As I raised her from being totally submerged she would laugh at herself. Mind you, she is barely a year old, it was adorable. Jane has been taking swimming lessons, so she has learned some of the poolside etiquette but is still excited as can be to get wet. I love spending time with the girls…
As I have been away, my wife has also been traveling. Her ex-husband called earlier this week and offered to use buddy passes from a relative to get his son to Arizona for the weekend, and since he is only four my wife had to travel with him (her son, not the ex-husband). She has been staying with my parents while she has been there. Last night we were talking about how opposite our situations are with our kids. Her ex-husband moved away after their divorce saying that he had nothing in Utah to keep him there (I guess a son doesn’t count). He hasn’t paid any child support, rarely calls and when he wants to see his son his mind thinks that he must come to him. I, on the other hand have an ex-wife that moved away, mostly to get away from me, travel at great expense to see my kids, pay a TON of child support and go to my children. Irony is a befitting word for this situation. Throughout these past days, I have really missed my wife. Last night we had a roller coaster of a talk, laughed together, cried together and learned more about how to communicate with each other. I am reminded of what a great blessing she is to me with how patient she is in my shortcomings. I think that I am a good husband to her, and I know that I demand a lot, but she is such a wonderful woman and wife. I truly love and cherish her. My relationship with her is the one thing in my life where I will not allow myself to fail. I know that she is crucial to my spiritual happiness and well-being and I to hers. I read somewhere that a great reward takes an equal about of hard work. I have seen the truth of that.
Along those same lines, as I have had time to think these past few days I have wanted to be better in general. I was listening to a song on the other day that spoke of a man who was close to dying early in his life and that the perspective that experience gave him changed his actions. He lived life more fully, was quicker to forgive and was a better man. I feel the desire to do the same. I have made my mistakes, but as I am rounding the half way point of my thirtieth year I see it is up me to make my life what I want. I want to leave a legacy to my children and loved ones of a father/parent/husband whose actions proved his love of the Savior.
I have never really talked about this with anyone but my dad has had complications with his diabetes for a number of years. My parents visited my wife and I on the 4th of July weekend this past summer and that weekend the effect of those complications manifested themselves. Very early Sunday morning my dad woke to a horrible shortness of breath. He literally could not breathe. It was quite alarming, so I immediately took him to the local hospital. After about 12 hours of testing the doctors concluded that he had suffered a mild heart attack and diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. It was quite a stunning diagnosis, considering that since he acquired diabetes he has had issues with his feet (major discomfort, swelling etc.), significant weight gain, retinopathy (loss of eye sight) and now congestive heart failure. My family has always joked that it would be my mother that would pass on first considering her acute attention to any small discomfort she may have in her body, but for now it looks like it will be my dad that passes first (looks like God really does have a sense of humor...wink). I really love my dad, and top of that I really like my dad. He is a funny guy and shows a sharp wit. Not to mention he has a very kind heart… How I had not seen this coming is beyond me, and I guess that in my life I am still in the stage where I feel like a really old teenager; I haven’t accepted that death can play a factor in my life experiences, since I have never lost anybody close to me. I don’t know what will happen to my dad, but it likely that he will not live a full life. It has been estimated anywhere from five to twenty years, but regardless it is an inevitability that his heart condition will change his life, be it the quality of, or the duration.
This experience is a catalyst for my recent epiphanies. I have thought that I want to cherish more the time that I am able to spend with him. I have also looked at the situation differently in that I want to cherish all my life experiences with an increased appreciation. It is unfortunate that loss seems to always trigger a new perspective, but that’s life. I feel the timing of the coming holiday is appropriate for my thoughts. It will so wonderful to be surrounded by the people I love.

May the Heavens Be Thanked...

2005-11-15T00:27:00.000-08:00

By the time this entry is posted, it will be after midnight, in the early morning of Tuesday, November 15, 2005. To me though, it’s still Monday. I started this day off to a not so good start, and to recap it really started Sunday evening. Let me explain…
I have a 4 and almost a half year old step son. For the most part, he is a very tender-hearted sweet little boy. He has been around a number of people in his life that have tremendous influence over him, and none of them are male. He has not had a real fatherly influence in his life, and has trouble with any sort of male authority figure, especially one that gets attention from his mother. I have always been a believer that it takes a man to raise a man, so my attempts to develop a relationship with him have been difficult considering that the only authority figures he has known in his life have been female. Reasons could be partly because he isn’t accustomed to me backing up his mother and enforcing boundaries, and partly because I have such an inclination to resent him based on that my own children live with their mother 800 miles away. It’s challenging at best. Last night was a peculiar night; he was in a rambunctious mood, and wanting to play. I indulged him, which I try to do as much as I can handle, and once again our play ended with him crying from too rough of horseplay. It needs to be said, I do not intentionally play rough with him. Small pillow fights, tickle fights or simple child’s play ends with tears, and I still don’t know where I went wrong in the many instances that have lead to the same end. It always makes me feel like a jerk, because I am always hopeful it will bring us closer together and I should now be able to tell when enough is enough and stop it appropriately. But I can’t, and Sunday night was no exception.
Whenever I am around my own children, I feel like a great dad. They can’t get enough of me, and we understand when enough is enough and how to play together. I am not to confident in my abilities as a step dad, and on top of that whenever there are issues between me and my stepson it lends me to feeling distanced from my wife. Last night after once again playing too rough with my step son I missed my own kids, felt like a bad step dad, and felt lonely. I really don’t like the feeling of loneliness. My wife, bless her heart, is as supportive as can be and reassures me that I am the one creating those feelings and that she doesn’t feel anything other than love for me when those things happen. But regardless, it is loneliness that I feel.
This morning I awoke with the residue of that experience still around me. I needed to have a good day. I have struggled in the last months in my career and know that in the sales field a good day is a state of mind and that I can literally will business to come to me. Instead of good start to the day, I got a call from my ex-wife in the morning hours and the end result of that call was me being called a liar, crazy, and a man that doesn’t care about his kids. This is on the week’s eve of me driving to Oregon to pick up my oldest daughter for a week with me and my family here for Thanksgiving. I want nothing more that to have a civil relationship with my ex-wife, but it doesn’t seem to be happening any time in the near future.
The details of our split are very ugly, and maybe one day I will feel the need to record them in my journal. The truth of the matter is that our split doesn’t break itself down to once particular instance, or day. My ex-wife would disagree, and from the experience I have since our split, she feels completely justified to be unrelenting in her associations with me and negates 9 years of relationship over a few months of indifference. I on the other hand, cannot get myself to hate her. Matter of fact, I keep subjecting myself to her anger by trying to be somewhat of a friend. Regardless of all these points of argument, our disputes are over money. I am behind in my $2000 a month support payment and she feels I am simply choosing not to pay her, when in reality I have not produced a significant income for a number of months; the reason I am behind. Anyway, our split was a long time coming, both of us making promises to each only to be broken. It could have been avoided, but it wasn’t and so we are left to pick up the pieces. I have spent the last year and a half trying to overcome the devastating effects of that break up, including the betrayal that I felt from plans her family made behind my back and her overall indifference that has surrounded my desires to be in the lives of my children. Today’s phone call left me wounded, hurt, and angry.
Thank heavens for friends. My wife was a true blessing to me today, as was a dear friend named Doug. That phone call left me reeling, and after talking things out and seeing the difference between accusation and reality, I asked Doug to give me a priesthood blessing. I have felt as if I have been doing everything that I can to be loyal to my Heavenly Father, so I needed some additional help, a parting of the clouds, if you will. I have always had great faith in the power of the priesthood, knowing that if the Lord had anything that I needed to hear, this was a powerful medium. The council I received was wonderful council. I was encouraged to continue reading my scriptures, praying and attending my meetings faithfully despite any resistance I might feel. I was reminded that the Lord loves me, dearly, and regardless of the mistakes I have made in the past that I am His son, and promised me that if I continue with the way that I have been living that I will have all that I have lost restored to me. It was made clear that I understand the way the Lord loves me without condition in similitude to the way I look at and love my children. I was reminded the real definition of faith. I was encouraged to keep a journal, to act as a gift for the times when I need to look part and see what I have been through and to bless my children in their later years so that they can see what I went through as we were apart. I was told my children are special children, prepared for what they would have to deal with before they came to this world. I was reminded that my children and I share a spiritual connection all of us will recognize as we look back together in our latter years. I was commanded to be charitable, loving and to study the words of Ezra Taft Benson to understand pride, and to rid myself of it. I was ultimately commanded to write down what I am thankful for daily.
This little history of today was merely a preface to that final commandment. Despite bad days, I have been blessed in my life. I am grateful that through my experiences I have gained a wisdom that I did not have before. I have learned the reality of the atonement of Jesus Christ and the depths of His willingness to forgive. Being a father has allowed me to understand unconditional love, which was something I didn’t understand before. I am grateful for my wonderful children, and the people that they are. I am grateful for truth, be it true friends, true doctrine, true love or true happiness. I am grateful for my family and their support. I am grateful for my loving wife and her example of strength to me and her ability to unconditionally love me in return. I know of the power of the scriptures and the effect for good that they can have in your life, and the strength that comes from following the council of a prophet. I have so much for which to be grateful.
Herein concludes today’s post. I feel relieved and blessed having shared these feelings to the page. I’ll write more tomorrow.

How could the Falcons Lose??

2005-11-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

Today I have not been into to it. If I were to write down on paper what I have done today it would seem like a run of the mill Sunday and that I did things that were for my benefit, but as I said, I have not been into it. I did things today out of duty, and it feels like I might as well have not done any of them. I woke up late and went to church alone; my stepson and my wife are somewhat of a package deal when it comes to church, so when she doesn’t go with me, I go alone. I could probably change that but I don’t feel the need to subject myself to that kind of rejection this early in my step parental relationship as my stepson is very clingy to his mother. The talks at church were on things that are difficult for me to hear, especially alone. My current ward is one where my former spouse attended with me so there are people I see every Sunday that were apart of the separation that occurred and know entirely too much dirt on me. Plus, for reasons I don’t feel at liberty to go into I am not able to really participate much. SO…days like today are not much fun. Worst of all… The Atlanta Falcons lost to the 1-7 Green Bay Packers…FOR THE LOVE??!!! Now it is the evening and I am bored out of my mind. So, today’s entry isn’t that important but I wanted to write. Anyway, my rant is over.
The next few weeks should be good weeks. I have business that is keeping me occupied and should give me the resources I need for the coming holiday season. Next weekend I leave to go to Oregon to see my kids and pick up my oldest daughter to bring her back here to my home for the Thanksgiving holiday. My parents are also coming to town for that holiday, so it will be a full house. It will be hard to not have my youngest daughter with me, but over time she will join her sister in the visits to Dad’s house. I really have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.
I am sure that as time goes on I will become more candid in my writings in my blog. I have a lot of things in my head I don’t think I am ready to spill yet. The life that I have lived has a plethora of things to which I could write about, and I am sure that I will. But for now, this will do.

Lee Greenwood Rules...

2005-11-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

I missed yesterday for writing. Oh well, it was Veteran’s Day and I can pretend that I was spending time honoring veterans. I wasn’t, in my line of work I deal with banks, lenders, title companies and ultimately clients. Three of those four weren’t available so I spent the day working out and running errands with my wife. Being that yesterday was a federal holiday to celebrate the men and woman who died for the freedom of this country it might be worthwhile to comment on that subject.
My dad was in the military when I was very young. I was actually born in the city where he was stationed with his particular branch of the armed forces. While he was in basic training he received a reward that singled him out for extraordinary achievement within his particular group of men, about 1000 people. I know that it was an achieve that helped him to see that he had ability to rise above mediocrity and be successful. More importantly, for that time in his life he felt successful.
I have seen other men in similar situations use the armed forces as a stepping stone to become more than they would have made of themselves otherwise. My heritage has a history of men that have dedicated a great portion of their lives to that cause. I never saw that route as one for me, but I respect what the sacrifice that endeavor represents.
Our country has been in somewhat of a confusing time recently. It is not surprising that with all of the different opinions on the Presidential Administration and the handling of conflict after September 11 that some might over look the role that the individual plays in upholding the ideals for which our country stands. Behind each soldier is a story. All have families, all are children, some are parents…brothers, sisters, and friends. Past or present, each has a very personal dedication to freedom and wishes a safe return home after justice has been restored. Whatever personal agenda might have lead each soldier to join, it cannot be overlooked the sacrifice that each has to our county; a sacrifice that could ultimately end in death. I repeat that despite the personal opinion that we have on why they are fighting, the individual is what makes it possible to defend freedom. I hope that each of us will examine our own dedication to freedom and see where we might contribute more fully. Whether it be being more tolerant to those who don’t think like we do, holding true to what we know is right, or extending ourselves to others, I implore that we might be more like the men and woman that defend our country.

I Did It, the Most Powerful Tool in Singing Technology Since Yodeling

2005-11-10T15:22:00.000-08:00

What should today’s entry be about? I have been teetering in what exactly I should use this blog for, should it be a journal, a discussion board, or a place for me just to tell stories and allow whomever wants to comment run amuck? I guess that I could just spill on the screen and see what comes of it. I think that’s I will do.
My name is Bryce Prescott; I am a 30 year old mortgage broker that lives in Salt Lake City, UT. I am a twice married, once divorced, father of two daughters, step dad to one son. I am a follower of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and served a full-time mission in the country of Brazil for two years. My formal education consists of a few semesters of Spokane Falls Community College and likewise at Brigham Young University. I have gone to school formally, but my education in business and such has come from a variety of different ventures that I have been a part of. As a mortgage broker I have been originating loans for a number of years and have seen the literal play out in my life of either feast or famine. Before that I was a pawn in the ski industry, taking jobs in various rental shops as a diversion to feed an addition that I have of snow and the winter season. Skied A LOT…it was fun. Truth be told, I would love a return to that industry...I kept gambling that I could make it into the inner circle of people that can actually make a career of working at a resort. Either it wasn’t in the cards or I wasn’t patient enough to wait my turn. Either way, life happened in the mix of it and here I am. Once I started my career as a mortgage broker I have ran a company, been apart of the starting of a real estate brokerage, cut out of that same deal, and now built my own business to try to make this work the way that I am hoping.
As I recount these happenings in my life, what I see is that all this really has nothing to do with who I am. This past year I have dealt with life changes and circumstances that have really forced me to take a hard look at who I am and what I want out of life. The thing about mistakes is that once you make them you have absolute knowledge of the outcome, and if you allow it, that knowledge can guide you to never take the first step that lead to the mistake in the first place. Absence does make the heart grow fonder… The past is the past, and although the consequence of the past will always be there the outcome of the future is still up for grabs. I firmly believe that.
I consider myself fairly opinionated, yet I am always interested in why people feel the way they do just as much as what they think. I am also a somewhat sensitive creature, which I believe is a trait that stems from my desire to be thorough. Looking at all possible interpretations, hoping that those around me will do the same to me…Being thorough has helped me to succeed in the different projects to which I have been a part. Also, my ability to adapt and adapt quickly to what is around me has helped me rise to the top. What has lead to my failure in my various projects is my own selfishness and lack of patience to the desired result that I want. I get very shortsighted at times and it has gotten the best of me and the most inopportune times. I can go into more detail of that later.
Anyway, as time goes on so will my ramblings. I love life and love the release of that writing gives me. Day three… OUT.

Day Two... Cerebreal Vomit

2005-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Here's day two... and the only thing that i can think about is Terrell Owens. I guess that's not true, there are my other issues i think about, but the T.O. issue has the most juice. For those not in the know, T.O. is (was?) a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles and was most recently suspended for "conduct detrimental to the team." He has had a history of being a loud mouth and calling out his teammates and organization for actions that he didn't agree with. Whatever the issues that the Eagles had with him, the media has ripped him up and down as a selfish guy with no ulterior motives other than money and attention. Last night as I lay in bed watching SportsCenter a new development transpired in this drama of a story. T.O.'s agent, Drew Rosenhaus organized a press conference at T.O.'s house in New Jersey with Terrell reading what seemed a heart felt apology and the his agent answering questions. The funniest question that was asked to Drew Rosenhaus was "Besides getting Terrell kicked off the team, what else as an agent have you done for him?" Then in the background you see T.O. smirk and then cover his mouth as he almost gives an out loud laugh. It was great. I guess the beef that I have with this whole story is how T.O. has been thrown under the bus. I saw a new angle to this story last night... T.O. isn't as selfish as everyone thinks. Sure, he does have somewhat of the prima donna thing going on around him, but it is undeniable that he is an elite player that requires the same level of commitment from those around him. This latest controversy stems from his comments about his quarterback, Donavan McNabb and how D.M hasn't been playing well. What is being forgotten is that he is accurate in his gripes with his team. They have played horrible and politically correct or not D. McNabb stunk up the Super Bowl last year and hasn't played well this year at all. So, follow me on my new take on this situation... Let's look at what T.O. has done in his career. He is 3rd in NFL career receptions and 1st in touchdown catches for active receivers yet is paid as if he were in the mid 20's. He will turn 32 years old on December 7 and is in top physical condition. (I mean TOP, not a physical flaw) He plays angry, runs angry, wins angry. He has an intense focus for winning, and except for last year's Eagles team he hasn't been with any organization that has really won much of anything. Last year, in the Super Bowl he came back early from an injury to his ankle, against doctor's orders to play and help his team. He had a great game in the loss to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Last summer in attempts to renegotiate his contract to make things more fair financially for him and pay him the way that a receiver of his caliber should be paid the Eagles organization do not even consider a new contract meanwhile T.O. still shows up to training camp ready to practice and play. With the taste of being close to having a Super Bowl ring on his hand, the Eagles get hounded in the season opener this year in Atlanta and all of a sudden you see the evidence that this same Eagles team is relying on reputation, not reality for the way that the media perceives them as a team. Through all this, T.O. still produced elite caliber numbers. What I see in T.O. is not a selfish prick, but a winner that will not accept anything less from himself than he would from his team. The Eagles will lose a great player when this is all said and done. I didn't realize that the NFL owners could require such sweat and determination from their players, and then act like a beaten stepchild on Dr. Phil when their players require the same from them.

What a bleak way to start...

2005-11-08T15:03:00.000-08:00

I always seem to have so much bottled up inside of me. Especially lately as the time continues to pass and the consequence of my actions more present itself in my life. My emotions are so close to the surface, and the calls to heaven for reprieve of this heart ache are scattered in their answers. Every now and then I will find my eyes welling with tears and overflowing as thoughts come to my heart of the children to which I am far away. My beautiful daughters in their infancy are not close to the man that helped bring them into the world. Tragedy is not even a word that comes close to describing how devastating it can be. How my life can move on in such a way is beyond me and my understanding. I am prayerful that this can change and we undo was has been done.
My oldest daughter is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I say this not to single out my youngest daughter, or to discount the possibility that God has in sending more beloved children my way, but as a strict reality. Recently I spent some time together with her, and the two of us were able to have some much needed daddy-daughter time. Her kind and gentle nature is reminiscent of her mother back when things were good and true. I feel a special bond with her, and I am certain that as I pray and request that the Lord touch her soul and communicate to her the deep love I have for her my prayer is answered. I am excited to see her grow old, and hope that the mistakes that I have made that caused her mother and I to no longer love each other be made better through years of care and that she can see through our mistakes and feel deeply the love that we have for her. I have felt impressions that in the later years of her life that she would live with me and be able to make up for the time lost. Maybe it will happen that way, maybe my heart searches for something to make the hurt worth it. Who knows…?
I am starting this blog with this entry. As it unfolds, I will bare more of my soul and the situation that I have of a life to the world. I will share my opinions on a variety of sorts, and all for the sake of exposing myself (metaphorically speaking) to the world. It is a love letter of sorts, albeit at times a sorrowful one, to the people that I miss dearly and the world to which I am not a part of. It is also to those that make up the world in which I now live and an epistle to my loved ones. Welcome to my life, you can call me Bryce…